Cherry00

Yeah, thanks. But I'm just really scared now about it.

That's the whole thing. I couldn't choose, it became a compulsion.

Please before reading this I'm warning that some very distressing topics are being discussed so do not read if you will become impacted. Hi, I'm really scared guys. I've just had one of my worst ever OCD episode and I literally feel so hopeless. I'm going to say everything. Every little detail, I need to get it off my chest and need help. In the last two weeks I had a serious episode of OCD. Most of the themes were about harming people. It was in whatever environment I was in. If I was outside it would be to random people or if I was at home, with people at home. The themes would range from hurting, murder to sexual abuse. Now, usually when I had OCD in the past I would do compulsions. For example if I had an intrusive thought about sexually harming someone, I would stay away from them or do things to get away from the situation. This would give me relief. Well one day, I accidentally went towards the intrusive thoughts and in a way this became my compulsion. It may be tricky to understand now but I will explain. Lets say I had a thought of throwing boiling kettle water over someone. Usually I'd stay away from the kitchen or run past the kettle. But this time my thoughts would say "test it out and go and touch the kettle." So to this thought I would keep saying no in my head to but the moment I didn't say "no" convincingly enough or slightly agreed with touching the kettle, I had to touch the kettle. I couldn't reverse the decision. So I end up touching the kettle. A few moments could pass and then my thought would come up and say, "oh you touched the kettle, what about walking with it for 2 steps" then the same thing would happen. I'd keep saying no but when I slightly said yes I end up doing it and because I have held it before it became more compulsive to walk with it. Now this would happen with all my intrusive thoughts. Now this is for the worst of them all which I am sickened by and have no idea what to do. Im honestly so scared. I had an intrusive thought to sexually abuse someone. So I was sitting in the living room and then my head was saying if you twitch a certain amount of times you have to do the next step. I kept saying no and no but then for a second I couldn't agree if I said no properly so had to do the twitch. This same process repeated and repeated till I went to an enclosed room and my thought said "pull down Ur trousers down then up straight away to see if you would commit this certain abuse (the intrusive thought)." I kept saying no but because I agreed mentally slightly because if I didn't do it I would think "oh no if I did it, I could end up abusing someone, so I had to check and make sure." So I ended up pulling my trousers down then up instantly. I ran to my room. Then the same thought came again, it was this time to actually abuse this person. I kept saying no and no but then in my head I started repeating the sentence that I would do it. Then I kept saying it and my mind was like you need to fully agree with it to see if you would do it. I don't know if I fully agreed to do it. But I kept saying to myself I'm going to do it to see if I actually would. I was going to go to this person's room and see if I would do it but I'm unsure if I was actually going to do it because I kept agreeing with the statement in my head. There were a lot of distractions in the hallway so I couldn't even test it out and had to end up going elsewhere. Now I'm scared, if there were no distractions would I have ended up committing an awful act. I can never know now can I? I'm disgusted in myself. Now that my episode has calmed down I can easily stop compulsions much better and I'm full of regret that I did listen to the compulsions. I just am so hopeless right now.

Thank you so much for you're kind words and I pray for you too. Thank you so much. I want to share my experience but I feel like it would trigger a lot of people? Like it's about harming others and I don't want to make other people have their conditions worsen because of what I say. I have no idea who else to talk to this about, I'm looking for therapists right now but until then it's very scary.

Hi everyone, I have suffered OCD for many years now and have experienced many themes. I won't get into them now but just onto something that has basically made my life hell. As everyone probably knows people with OCD tend to do compulsions. Some of these compulsions come in the form of avoidance or doing something to distant yourself from the intrusive thought or whatever it is telling you. However, over the last 2 weeks I've had compulsions that have asked me to go TOWARDS the intrusive thoughts. And this is not good at all, because it would make me want to go closer and closer till I can't even tell if I am this bad person or not. It may be a little tricky to understand here as I find it difficult to express it across words but it has ruined my life right now. Everything I do, I'm filled with this horrific sense of guilt and shame. I'm looking into some private therapy but I'm genuinely scared that they may be coming across a case that has never seen before. Having OCD means you are generally misunderstood and lonely as many people would not be able to comprehend the pain we go through but now I feel lonely even within the OCD community. I could go into detail of the specific intrusive thoughts and compulsions that have been going on but I feel like it could trigger some people but I am willing to go into it, if needed here. But I am looking to talk to someone so I could perhaps explain what has been going on...It does feel so lonely and hurts so much. Thank you.