RedPanda249

Thank you- I've spiralled further this evening on my normal theme because of my anxiety around my reaction. I hate this illness, I hate the doubt and the fear. I just wish I were better.

Long story short - I'm currently pregnant, my sister announced her pregnancy last week and I said to my husband something along the lines of 'oh, I have to share this again'. Essentially I have trauma around neglected and feeling less than my siblings so was happy when I was pregnant alone and jealous when my sister announced as it took the spotlight from me. Childish I know. She has unfortunately miscarried today and after an initial tearful response at how sad she must be feeling, my brain has said I wanted this to happen and may have caused it somehow. I haven't seen my sister in several weeks so know I couldn't have actually caused it but I'm feeling so guilty for the thoughts I had. It's now gone one step further and said you thought something, it came true, your other thoughts will come true and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

If I'm having a bad time of it like I am at thr moment, I have to have some form of noise on but it's an avoidance strategy so in theory I should just lay there and accept what happens.

I have a mixed relationship with drinking, I enjoy it because I like the taste of certain drinks and because I want to partake in an adult activity without OCD ruining it. But I also know, I drink to avoid my thoughts and drink to help me sleep. Neither of which are healthy so I seriously cut down a few months ago and only allowed myself a couple of drinks on the weekend. I'm currently pregnant so am as sober as they get and the hormones mess with the OCD so it's bad regardless. But I do know when I've done dry January etc, I've felt so much better for it. I'm in the UK too and know quite a few people who don't drink now, it's becoming more and more common plus there is much more choice out there with alcohol free so you don't feel like you're missing out. I just desperately want a drink to escape my head for a few hours, but I know that's not healthy and I'm working on that by facing my fears, hard as it is!

I'm currently undergoing EMDR for PTSD as they a lot of my OCD is linked to childhood trauma but naturally, things are getting worse before they get better and my harm OCD is at an all time high. So I did what I knew I shouldn't which was check online symptoms of harm OCD to make sure it is that and not something else and started to read an article on ERP, I've always done mini exposures by saying things like I don't care, may I will, maybe I won't or ok thank you for that thought let's move on now. But after reading some of the exposures therapists have done in the past like saying yes I will do this, or yes they are harming your daughter (I have fears around harm coming to her too) makes me feel so panicky. I guess that's the point but my god, just the thought of accepting them scares me as to what that they may mean how on earth do you get to the point where you can accept them as thoughts without fear? In awe of those that can and hoping I get there some day but even assuming that any of my intrusive thoughts could be remotely true makes me feel sick. I just don't know where to go with things at the moment, my thoughts used to be either harm ocd focused on my husband or pocd focused on my daughter, it then switched to my husband harming my daughter and thoughts of harming him to keep her safe. I feel like I can't win because I don't win in either scenario and OCD has the two people I love most in the world against each other. I either believe I'm capable of harming my husband but that's a good thing because OCD tells me he is abusing our daughter, or I believe I'm not capable of harming him in which case I'm allowing him to continue abusing our daughter. Rationally I know he isn't doing anything and I've talked it through with the therapist and I feel I'm on high alert for any red flags I just don't feel like I can relax because OCD says well something has to be true and neither thought is a good one. I feel paralysed with fear.

For me, 'my' brain is not very imaginative, I wouldn't describe myself as creative, I would describe myself as factual and logical. OCD on the other hand, incredibly creative in how it finds its way in and throws things at me.

Thank you - it's just so difficult isn't it, the threat feels so real that I don't even trust my base instinct. I'm so tired of this illness at this point. I have some medication here but I'm not taking it yet as meeting with perinatal tomorrow to hopefully get some quick fixes for when I have attacks rather than something long term.

Had OCD for 12 years diagnosed now and it comes and goes, but currently pregnant with my second child and it's the worst it's ever been. For the last 12 weeks I've jumped from POCD for myself, suicide OCD, meta OCD, harm OCD and this current theme which is fear and paranoia that everyone is trying to harm my toddler. It's not helped by the fact I'm undergoing EMDR therapy for childhood trauma but I'm not able to catch a break and I'm finding risk everywhere. I've now accused my husband of being a paedophile as I heard him go into our daughters room in the night. Or rather he was letting the cat out who had got stuck behind the door of our daughters room. Problem is I didn't see the cat so my mind is racing. I have questioned my husband as to what he was doing, and I've said I didn't hear the cat but I did have headphones in as was trying to get back to sleep. He has then proceeded to have a go at me and say I need to get a hold of the OCD because I'm now accusing him of something so vile but I just can't let the doubt go. How do I know the cat was stuck? I'm just trying to keep our daughter safe and ensure no one harms her. Deep down I know he wouldn't harm her but this doubt is so difficult, it's making me physically sick. The worry just goes round and round in my head, everything I see is a risk, if he hugs her or doesn't hug her it's like a red flag. I feel like I don't trust him and I don't know why.

Context, I have POCD as my main theme and it has recently moved to fear other people are harming my child and I'm allowing it. I'm also pregnant and this morning laying in bed our toddler was playing with my belly talking to their sibling and then said I've got a baby in my belly. My husband just went, oh we'd be in trouble if you had a baby in there and I just looked at him as my mind immediately went why would someone say such a thing and it made me feel really uncomfortable. I then went that's really triggering for my OCD and he just chuckled and went oh sorry, it was just a joke. I now can't stop playing the event over in my mind, why would someone say that? Is he saying it because he's harming our daughter or knows someone is? I've since asked him about it and he's denied harming our daughter and said that it was just an inappropriate comment that he shouldn't have made but didn't think anything of it, but I can't get it out of my head. How do I know if this is a red flag or was just a flippant comment? I can't risk my daughters safety.

I've looked it up and it's quite a common theme in perinatal OCD, so a theme associated with pregnancy and postpartum. I have medication in the house but haven't started it yet as the research isn't too solid on anti-depressants in pregnancy. I just seem to be triggered by everything and I'm flipping between me being a paedophile and being anxious about myself to my husband being one and being concerned about that - it's so tiring I don't know what to do anymore.

Yes ordinarily my OCD gets worse throughout my cycle but as I'm pregnant it's constant. It's well researched that OCD can worsen during pregnancy due to the hormonal and stress factor and I expected it to, it just seems to be constant. The thoughts are constant and just as I'm learning to get over one, another comes in and tests me. I'm so tired of it and I still have 4 months left of my pregnancy! Wish I could just skip to the end of this year.

Thank you - avoidance has been my most obvious trait but I definitely check online the most and ruminate a lot. I think I'm struggling as whilst POCD I have extensive experience of, in this pregnancy the OCD is definitely twisting into different themes and changing very quickly. It's got very dark and even today I had an intrusive thought regarding some medication I'm considering starting. It just gets me down so much and when I'm like this I struggle to remember that all feelings and thoughts are temporary and I dread each day, I'm trying to find anything that gets me out of the house as I spend so much time alone here and it's such a triggering place for me which I don't feel like I can escape from. I know the pregnancy is making everything harder but the fact I still have several months to go is so demoralising.

Hello, I was diagnosed with OCD 12 years ago with particular themes around harm and paedophilia. I have a 2 year old and am now pregnant for a second time so have as expected, had seen an increase in my intrusive thoughts due to the stress. I have had some new thoughts this week and I'm struggling to use my usual tactics to dissipate the fears. Essentially, I'm worried my husband is harming my daughter, I've been feeling sick, not wanting to leave them alone and overanslysing everything he does. Thinking back over all of the interactions looking for good behaviour or bad behaviour. I'm also having fears I'll kill him to keep my daughter safe. I know it's the OCD twisting but I'm really struggling with it because I can't control what my husband does and I'm finding I can't avoid any triggers or fearful situations. I'm in a constant state of anxiety fearful of what may happen, that my daughter may be harmed or I'll lose control. I am on the waiting list for therapy and have decided to start medication but it's the getting through to getting the medication and therapy starting that's killing me. Anyone got any ideas on how to tackle it? Not seeking reassurance but rather ideas! I can't carry on like this, I'm scared to be in my own.