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Sarahb

OCD-UK Member
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Everything posted by Sarahb

  1. On Friday the head teacher came to see me and offered me another new job. To be the Learning Support Assistant for the new Year 2 class. Our school is expanding and we are slowly getting 2 classes for each year. A new teacher is going to run the class. I am going to accept :original: I can't believe she chose me. I am sure that there are people that are a lot better than me and who will cope better. I am really worried, because my OCD does play up at school, but it is a too good an opportunity to turn it down. I start in September. Sarah xx
  2. Maybe I should make an appointment with my psychiatrist in the summer holidays, if he is not taking the whole of the school holidays as holiday. I just can't think of another job that I would be any good at. Most things I touch go wrong. :blushing: Sarah xx
  3. Thanks Caramoole :original: I really appreciate it. Sarah xx
  4. I am looking at working on my checking rituals. I have shortlisted them to these 5 most important ones; Avoiding using light switches Checking constantly that things aren't touching Checking the taps many times in groups of 4 Checking the doors 12 x counts of 4 Checking surfaces and objects are clean before putting things down. I haven't yet changed them into goals. I can't bring myself to go any further. I also need a helper, but I'm not sure my husband is the right person for the job. He is so tired when he gets home (he is away from the house for 12 hours mon-fri) and our relationship probably couldn't take the stress.
  5. Hi all, I have been doing paid work for just over a month now. I am a learning support assistant (LSA) at a local school where I was working voluntarily in my mother-in-law's class. I work part time at the moment, which is just as well, because the stress of it means I sleep almost every afternoon. I just don't feel I am coping very well. My OCD is causing me problems where I have to check my tray constantly. That things are not ruined - screwed up or dirty. I am sure that the teacher and other LSA will notice soon and think I am mad. Only the headteacher and my mother-in-law know about my OCD. Also I have lots of training sessions that scare me. For example using computers. My OCD makes me believe I will leave something running and therefore break it or waste electricity. I would like to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, but I don't feel I can miss work to see him (I am trying to take no days sick) and also he is private, so it will cost me £100 pounds to see him for about 15 minutes. I can't afford it and I don't want to ask my parents for the money. He only sees me on Monday mornings when I am working. I have just read Getting Control, by Lee Baer and have found it really interesting. I am just not sure I can cope doing the suggested exercises as well as cope with work and everything else. I don't know what to do. Sarah xx
  6. Hi Hayley, Well done for making it into your bed for four hours on the first night. That is a brilliant achievement :clapping: I am sorry that you haven't been able to do it since. Please try and stay positive and maybe you can try again soon. I am thinking of you hunny :hug: Sarah xx
  7. Thanks Shar and Catherine :original: I really want to change the way I am and be able to be proud of myself and believe in myself. I don't know how to go about it. I keep a positive book, where I put all my achievements, but my husband has to prompt me to write in it and tell my that what I have done is an achievement. I just don't seem to be able to see it myself. Is there something wrong with me? Sarah xx
  8. Frustration A new feeling is coming over me One of a need to cope and succeed To strive to be the best I can be To beat my anxiety and OCD I have come such a long way As the month has gone by I should be proud of myself But all I want to do is cry I know it will take time One step at a time But I want to succeed now And believe in myself somehow I thought I would share a poem about how I am feeling to help me with this post. It is hard to put it in to words. I enjoy my newish job and a lot of it is great. There are a few things that are worrying and upsetting me that have really got me down. I am doing an awful lot of checking at work and I am worried that my colleagues could be thinking I am a bit mad or something. They don't know about my OCD and I don't really want to tell them. The head teacher knows. I got my official contract this week and it is only a temporary contract until March 08. I am worried because I don't know what will happen when this contract ends. I have has to come off benefits, because I earn a bit too much to get it. I have lost that safety net. Also the pay grade starting point I am on on the official contract is different by one number to the number on the schools premilary contract. The schools one was higher than the council's one. And I don't think I am very good at the job. I am not very confident and it shows. Everone else seems so much more confident than me. I find controlling the kids hard a lot of the time. I am just feeling really low. Sarah xx
  9. Thank you Holly and Sweetie :original: I am not sure if it is the OCD telling me things. The OCD is making my life hell at the moment, with the need to constantly check everything. But I think the fact that I am not good at the job is a fact. It is as if I am just waiting for them to tell me I am no good and sack me. I just wish I had more confidence in myself and believed in myself more. I am so quiet and that doesn't look good. I find it hard to talk to other members of staff - iniating conversations or getting involved in them. Sometimes I am so quiet the children don't hear me and have to ask me to repeat myself or don't listen to me full stop. I am so unsure of myself, that I come across as unsure to the children. It is such a mess. Sarah xx
  10. Welcome to the boards loobyloo :original: I am glad that you have already found some comfort from reading other people's posts. Like Adam said, if you go to the doctor and they diagnose you with OCD, they can then help you, with medication and CBT. Take care, Sarah
  11. Hi Sally Welcome to the boards :original: I hope you find them helpful and a comfort to you. It is good that you are working with your doctor on your OCD. Take care, Sarah
  12. I have been feeling constantly low all weekend. Worrying about work tomorrow and whether I can cope. I have slept most of today, because I wanted to forget it was Sunday and that tomorrow I will be back at work. I just don't think I am good enough at the job. I am not confident or strong enough to help discipline the children or keep them under control. My OCD means that I have to check everything I do that takes a lot of time, when I have things I am meant to be doing. Maybe Learning Support Assistant is just too hard for me. Maybe I am not cut out for anything. I have been trying to think of a job I would be good at, but nothing comes to mind. Office work is definetely out too, due to the panic attack I had doing that and not being able to forget about the work piling up at the weekends or my holidays. I have informed the benefits people I am working, so I can't really go back on benefits. I had my letter from the benefits people just before I started this work, saying that they had calculated that I was too ill to work from the form I had sent them to renew my claim. Quite ironic I think. Everyone thinks I am doing so well and is pleased with me. I can't let them down. I suppose I will just have to be unhappy and anxious and continue with this job. I feel so trapped. Sarah xx
  13. Thanks Legend. I will try my best not to ask for reassurance, but it seems the only way that I can cope with doing the job. The dishwasher and cassette player are at school. I get worked up, because they are not mine and I dont want to ruin them. I am managing to check the house in 15 minutes before I leave, which is not too bad I suppose. Sarah xx
  14. I am sorry Ace that you are going through such a hard time :hug: I have got to the end of my second week and I am still surviving. My main problem at the moment is I need reassurance from my mother-in-law that certain things that I have done are okay. Last week I asked her to check the dishwasher to make sure I had put a cup in okay. She text me once she had checked to say it was okay. Today I asked her to check the plug socket and switch that I had used earlier in the day. Again she text me to reassure me that it was all okay. I know reassurance is wrong, but it seems the only way I can cope with the job. Sarah xx
  15. Thanks for sharing your experiences with me Ace. It helps to know that others feel the same as me and I am not alone. Not that I would wish these feelings on anyone and I am sorry that you have had the same sort of thoughts as me. I must admit my parents never said that I was a nobody or anything. I always knew my brother was cleverer than me and that used to make me feel inadequate. I know it was not his fault, but I always wanted to be as clever as him. I am not really sure where these thoughts came from. Due to my shyness I was emotionally bullied at school and that has made it hard for me to believe people like me and that I am accepted. Yes I know what you mean about the free ticket thing. The trouble is it comes to a point when you want to stop trying and give up. The stage I have been feeling a lot lately. Sarah xx
  16. Thanks Ace :original: . It helps when people understand what you are going through. I know I would still like to be an LSA and preferably at the school I am at the moment when my contract finishes. I like the ethos of the school. It is very well run I think and the staff are really nice. They don't have their own chairs or cups or anything, that I have found in other schools when doing placements for my degree. I have been trying to train my brain to think positive thoughts about myself and accept compliments and try to believe them. My therapist has asked my husband to help with this and emphasise positive things about me and help me to see my success for what they are. It will be a long process, because I have been thinking negatively about myself for 26 years. When my therapist complimented me yesterday I started crying, I find it very emotional when people compliment me and say I am doing well. Maybe because I don't believe them and I really want to be able to. Thanks Caramoole. I will try my best to keep going, so that this can go on my CV when I write one (I don't have one at the moment, because I am having trouble writing it) and on future application forms, instead of off sick for two years. Sarah xx
  17. Thanks Ace. I will try and forget that bad experiences in the past as much as I can. The only problem being that the last job caused a lot of hurt and unhappiness in my life due to my anxiety and the fact that I was only ever temporary (for over two years). This job is only fixed until Next March and I am already worrying about what I will do after that. I had the letter today telling me my pay scale etc and the date my contract terminates. The reason I took this job, was because of the fear of interviews. I don't know how I can sell myself to others, when I don't like myself and think I am not capable of much. I didn't need an interview for this job or to sell myself. The Head Teacher knew I did voluntary work at the school and has heard good results from my mother-in-law. But was my mother-in-law pushing the head teacher for me to get a job at the school and therefore said anything she could to get me a job there? I don't think I will ever know what happened behind the scenes. Sarah xx
  18. Thanks Caramoole :original: I think I may get that book to help motivate me to try and work on the rituals. There is so many of them I don't really know where to start and it seems that as soon as I solve one problem another compulsion materialises. I can't keep up. I am quite proud of myself that I have left my folder in my tray at school for nearly a week, even though I had a fear that I may have written things I shouldn't have done about the children or something (something I would never do of course, but it is the ocd telling me that I have). Also that if I haven't got my folder and the things inside it with me to check all the time, then something might get ruined. So I suppose something I have the motivation. Sarah xx
  19. Hi Holly, I am so sorry that you are feeling low at the moment :hug: I didn't have exams for my degree it was all course work, but I still had that 'oh it is all over' feeling afterwards. It is quite strange, because we spend our childhood at school and then if you want to do a degree you carry on into your adulthood and it becomes a natural way of life. Studying is one of the main things in your life and when it has finished it feels wrong. I think the best thing to do is to set yourself little goals each day. Something you can do to get out of bed for and if possible something that you enjoy. You will feel better knowing you achieved something that day, however small it is. With regards to therapy I can relate to the confusion feeling after a session. This has happened many times to me and I have felt upset afterwards. Unfortunately only you know the real answer to these questions, because only you experience your specific thoughts. There are many people with the same type of ocd, but everyone of us has a slight difference in our thoughts surrounding them. I know it is frustrating, because I can relate to what you are saying and feel the same type of frustrations as you. I am a fine one to talk, but it is usually easier to give advice than take your own advice and act on it:blushing: Also your therapist isn't there to judge you by what you tell them. You need to feel that you can tell them everything and feel comfortable doing this for them to be able to help you in the best way can. I hope you feel better soon hunny and I hope I have helped a little bit. Sarah xx
  20. Thanks Mark :original: . I know I should tell people, but I think there gets a point where close family and friends get fed up hearing your problems and want to believe that you are okay. I am scared they will turn away from me if I keep moaning about my problems to them. I love helping the children and am hoping that in time the positives will outway the negatives. It is great doing something worthwhile. I saw my couple therapist today (I don't have an individual therapist anymore) and we talked a bit about my job and my ocd. She said that the ocd should calm down a bit when I have got used to the job. She also said that I need to fight the ocd. Unfortunately this is the hardest thing to do. I don't feel that I am strong enough to fight it and today just gave up and let it win and take over me. The music was too loud in my room and I refused to turn it down, because to do so I would have to put it on an even number. I don't like odd numbers. I just didn't have the energy or will power to either ignore the ocd and put it on any number or fiddle around and keep checking that it was on an even number. In the end my husband got fed up with it being so loud that he turned it down. The ocd worries and rituals are really getting me down and I am so near to tears. Sarah xx
  21. I have only just seen this thread :blushing: . I think all the ideas are excellent :clapping: and I could really do with some of the items right now!! My main OCD is checking and having to check things repeatedly, so certain items reminding me that is just an OCD thought and not that I haven't checked something would be beneficial. I have trouble switching my light off in the bathroom and for it to feel right so a specially designed light pull, reminding me it is my OCD is a great idea. Sarah xx
  22. Hi Sweetie, I think the bandana. The wig sounds like a lot of money to spend when you hair will grow back quite quickly. I myself like bandanas and would go for that. I hope I have helped. Sarah xx
  23. Hi Jade, Sorry you are having a tough time. It is amazing and annoying how OCD can play games like this with us. Rant away. Sometimes it helps just to tell someone how we are feeling and what worries us. We are all here for you Jade :original: Sarah xx
  24. Thanks Lawrie :original: I will give it a try as best I can. I have just been talking to my Mum about it and she got quite upset. She hadn't realised that I was struggling, because I had been trying to act happy about the job. She was particulary upset that I am still self harming when I get really unhappy and stressed. It just slipped up and I didn't mean to tell her :blushing: I hope she is okay. My big mouth. The trouble is I think I know what I need to do, but can't do it. It was like this with exposure work too. I never could manage that either. For such a determind person it seems strange I suppose. Sarah xx
  25. I have been working in my new job for nearly a week now and I am enjoying it. The only thing is that I keep worrying and getting myself in to a state over silly things. I am worried that if I keep getting worked up about things I will be forced to give the job up and go back on benefits. I don't want to tell my family this, because they think I am doing so well and I don't want to let them down. I was taken off work sick 2 years ago for a breakdown at work and I am scared the same thing is going to happen again. I know it has only been a week and I am a very determind person and don't give up easy, but I can't go through the worry I went through before. The Head Teacher knows about my mental health, but the teacher I work with doesn't and I don't want her to know. The trouble is I keep doing what must seem like strange things in front of the teacher and LSA, like checking my folder is okay lots of times before putting it away. Sarah xx
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