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Sarahb

OCD-UK Member
  • Content Count

    499
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About Sarahb

  • Birthday August 1

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    checking, social anxiety, GAD, depression

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Kent
  • Interests
    reading, card making, scrap booking, gardening, music, writing poetry. My poetry is published at the above website address.
  1. Thank you Polar Bear. Great advice ? Hi Ashley I think the most amazing thing is that I can actually see I have achieved something and have to admit to it. I’m very good at saying I can’t do this and that as I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My work partner said only today that we should be proud of ourselves from making our business work, from just an idea we had over lunch. I usually do win with the OCD. It depend how tired or stressed I am. I don’t remember how poorly I was before, in the years when I was a regular on the forum. I somehow have blocked it out. My husband sometimes reminds me, as he never got over it. I never want to go down that road again. I find the school work very stressful, as I am way out of my comfort zone. In truth willing my contract to end. That’s when I know I have a long way to go anxiety wise. Onwards and upwards I hope ?
  2. A lot has happened since I last posted. The OCD has been there in the background, catching me when I’m tired. I even thought I may have borderline personality disorder, but that is another story. Last year I felt quite low, as my youngest would be starting school in September. I didn’t want her to. She was my baby and I wasn’t ready to lose both my children to school’s clutches. I saw the doctor for my medication review and he strongly advised me to apply for some counselling. Eventually I did through Mind. It was free, but because of this there was no flexibility on dates. Therefore due to short notice and other commitments I only had 3 of the 6 sessions. I wasn’t optimistic either about the outcome, but did go to three sessions and was grateful for them. We talked about having small goals to start with. Take each day as it comes and enjoy the time left before my youngest started school. I discussed with the counsellor about feeling that people would want me to work as soon as my daughter started school and this filled me with extremely strong anxiety. So I felt very low and anxious. I did however have a goal to run my own pre-school classes with my best friend for 3-5 year olds. I never thought it would happen.? Amazingly I am now jointly running a pre-school preparation class with my best friend and it is going well. I love planning the sessions, but haven’t built up the confidence to teach yet. We have even grown from one session a week to two. Also in a January I made myself apply for a 1:1 afternoon teaching assistant and I got the job. So I now work two mornings a week and every afternoon (Mon-Fri). Unfortunately my OCD has become a bit stronger at the school and I find myself checking things again as before. Not as much as I used to in my office job years back, when I had to quit, but could this just be the start? I have forgotten how to deal with this monster ?
  3. Hi Caramoole I have two now. My eldest is 6 in May. My youngest has just turned 3. How time flies! I feel so guilty when I talk about them, as I am not a great Mum. Due to my anxiety I get so stressed and irritable. I'm so proud of them, that they shine even with having me as a Mum. They are having t put up with a very anxious Mum with low self esteem and low mood. I don't feel people understand me and am feeling lonely. I therefore thought I would drop a line on here to say hi. It feels like coming back home
  4. Hi there It has been a while since I posted on here. Partly because I thought my OCD had become quite mild and didn't affect me the way it used to. I still had moments, but I had OCD more or unless under control. I have checking OCD. Today I was doing the party bags for my daughter's birthday and I really struggled to do them. I couldn't remember what I had already out in the bag or I doubted myself about what I had put in and had to start all over again many times. If one of my children interrupted me in my task it was even worse. I got hot and stressed. Although my OCD has been more or less under control, my general anxiety is still a huge part of my life that it is almost chocking me and I have been so, so stressed about the party for weeks. It has made me feel really anxious and really low. This party bag thing distressed me, as it showed me that the OCD is there and could get me at any moment ?
  5. Thanks for your message Fobic Fairy :original: I had been doing so well and the OCD has been okay. Like you say having a child takes up so much of my time. It seems that it is general anxiety that is affecting me more now. I suppose that is why I haven't come onto the forum to talk about it. I still check things, but nowhere near how much I used to. I have been doing a lot of thinking and what worries me about going back to therapy is that I become so reliant on therapists. I haven't ruled it out though. I really don't want to go back on meds. I hope I can get through this blip without needing help. I think I know what triggered the low mood. I stopped going to a choir I joined last year. I liked being part of a group and I love singing. It was the social anxiety that made it impossible in the end. I then got really down about my anxiety and the way it stops me from doing things. Also this real worry about the way the anxiety is affecting my daughter. I'll work it out :original: Sarah xx
  6. Hi there Caramoole Just found an old message from you from 2008 when I had finished therapy and I was feeling positive about the future. I have been going down memory lane a bit, because I have been feeling pretty low, irritable and anxious recently and wanted to remind myself how far I had come. It has made me realise that I shouldn't try and get therapy or meds this time round, because I rely on them to strongly. I need to beat it on my own this time. This is linked to my topic, because I am worried about how my frame of mind at the moment is affecting my daughter at the moment. I know she notices my worry because she says, 'Don't worry Mummy'. This breaks my heart. She is only 2. She worries sometimes too and needs reassurance to stop her worrying. There has been progress though. We do painting and sticking at home and I try not to get irritable about the mess. I sometimes spoil it by getting upset and cross, but I am trying. My OCD is a lot better, but believe this is partly because I am at home most of the time and don't go out for long if I go anywhere, so my need to check is a lot less than when I was working and out all day. My problem now is the anxiety - overall (I worry all the time) and my social anxiety. I am also always tired and irritable most of the time. I don't think I should go down the therapy or meds route, but I am struggling. It is work in progress at the moment :original: Well that's what is happening so far. Sarah
  7. Sarahb

    Not coping

    Not really OCD related, but going through a hard time at the moment. It is OCD related in the fact that the OCD helps to make me feel useless and has made me feel little and useless in the past, which in turn effects who I am now. Feeling really low. I have a journal that I write in everyday, as a way to work through the days issues and thoughts. I have always been honest in them (part of my OCD seems to be the need to tell the truth in as much detail as needed). Now I have a daughter I don't feel able to say what I am honestly thinking in my journal in case she reads it in the future and gets the wrong impression and hurt by what I have written. It's not that I don't love her, but I don't want her to know how low I have felt at times since having her. I want her to be able to read them and know the great times we had. I am feeling so lonely being a stay at home Mum. I don't feel I am very good at it. I don't seem to have much patience and I am a bit of a perfectionist. My Dad says I am too hard on my daughter who isn't even 2 yet. I sometimes raise my voice and then regret it afterwards. I doubt myself and whether I am doing things right by her. I want to be a perfect mum and feel I am way short of that. I sometimes think I would prefer to be back at work, but don't think I would be any good at that either. I think I am good for nothing and what is the point anymore? There is nowhere to run or hide.
  8. Thanks Carol. It will be difficult for me, but I will give it a go. Good exposure for both of us
  9. Hi all. Sorry I haven't been around for ages. Didn't realise how tiring having a toddler would be! I have had checking/ responsibility OCD for about 13 years. My 16 month old daughter is developing wonderfully. She is a happy, contented child. She constantly chats and has a good understanding of what people are saying to her. But, she is starting to get very worried if she gets food on her hands or drops food in her bib or on the table. She won't eat until I have cleaned it up. I know when she was a lot younger I would clean up spills and dirty hands pretty quickly, because I didn't want her to get food in her hair or on her clothes. I don't like food or dirt on my own hands and have to wash them pretty quickly if I get them dirty. I am worried that I have made my daughter like this and it is the start of something bigger like OCD. Also my OCD flairs up when I am tired and I check whether I have switched off lights or that things are clean before putting them down. When I do this I count and click my fingers etc. I know I need to stop it and I do try and do things in my head instead. She worries if she knocks books off the shelf too (not such a serious problem). I don't want to cause my daughter to have OCD. I don't know whether anyone has experienced anything like this and has any advice? Thanks Sarah xx
  10. Sarahb

    Update

    Feeling brighter, but still struggling with OCD. Having a cold water steriliser has made a huge difference, but I still have to check the steriliser, flask and formula a few times each time I make a feed. Time consuming and tiring. Emily is five and a half months now and is at the stage where she is constantly exploring and is aware of everything around her. She amazes me every day by the things she does. It must be amazing to be a baby and experience new things all the time. Shame we don't remember being babies. I have managed to go to a baby group with her twice now on my own. A big thing with my social anxiety. I try to do things I don't like if it benefits Emily. Maybe this will be the making of me. I find that I am a little bit scared of Emily - I don't like her crying. I know it is what baby's do and their way of communicating, but I worry she won't stop when she has started or I won't be able to comfort her. I worry she will get bored and I won't know what to do with her next. I am not sleeping too well either. Emily sleeps through the night generally (touch wood). I just don't seem to switch off and wake up thinking Emily needs me (thinking it is the middle of the day, when it is the middle of the night). Mum has been off this week from work and I have seen her a bit more than usual. It has taken some of my anxiety away and I have really enjoyed being with Emily when I am more relaxed. I think she has sensed that I am more relaxed, which has made her more relaxed and happy. Emily is generally a very contented child anyway. I am not going to let the OCD or anxiety win and I am going to enjoy my time with my daughter. I am going to try and do things that will benefit her, even if I am scared. It is in writing!!
  11. Thank you very much for your replies I have thought about changing the steriliser again, but like Mummywithocd said, it would be giving in to the OCD. What you said about the time your steriliser took (3-5 minutes) and about the lid has really helped. This must be right then. I know I wash the bottles thoroughly too, which is also important. I was sorry to hear that you can barely remember your son's first 7 months :hug: I keep a journal and take a photo every day to help me remember. I haven't missed a day yet photo wise. Thank you again to all. I am trying really hard to beat this and am thinking of all my fellow sufferers. Sorry I am not on here very often to be able to offer support. It is a bit hectic at the moment with baby teething, but hopefully soon I can be of more help.
  12. Thank you for your replies. I have tried really hard these last couple of days to ignore the OCD and get on with things. It worked with not checking the flask was shut properly too many times, but the steriliser is still a problem. It took me nearly half an hour to make up a feed and set up/keep an eye on the steriliser. Half an hour of my baby's life. She wanted me to play with her and I was too busy checking the steriliser The steriliser keeps playing up though and doesn't seem to run long enough even though it is new. Saying that it doesn't give a time in the manual. The argos catalogue says it should take 5 mins or up to 5 mins (I can't remember) and the lid keeps lifting up. Most of the time not enough to leave a gap for air to get in. Most of the time just a little bit each side, which doesn't leave a gaping gap. This morning the lid came off at the front so there was a gap. I therefore had to resterilise. I just don't trust it to leave it alone to do it's thing. I suppose as they don't give a time in the manual and just says it will switch off when finished I should trust that it is doing it right, whatever the duration. I just don't want to do anything to harm my baby. But I am doing that letting the OCD win I spoke to someone earlier and she said that she changed her steriliser 4 times, because she wasn't sure they were working properly. She doesn't have OCD. Maybe I am just being a conciensious Mum? If I can't beat this myself I will go to the GP and get some meds or try and get a top up of therapy. I just know this can't go on
  13. Last week my OCD and anxiety came back big time. My baby girl is 4 months old now and I had been coping reasonably well. From 3 months she has been moving alot in her sleep at night. She is in our room still and the noise keeps me awake, meaning I keep losing out on sleep. I am absolutely exhausted. Then last week our steam steriliser stopped working and this (I think) set off the OCD big time. We have bought a new steam steriliser, but I don't trust it and have to keep checking it. I worry constantly it is not doing it's job properly and that I am going to make my baby very ill from bottles not sterilised properly. I am worrying about it constantly. I just can't switch off. This has got me checking everything else all the time too - taps, formula lids, etc, etc. I don't want to go back on meds, because these will make me more tired. I don't know if I can see a therapist, because I don't know who will look after my baby, while I go and getting bottles etc ready for the person looking after her would make me more anxious. Also I went private before, because of long waiting list, but don't think we can afford to this time. I really want to enjoy this time with my baby, but at the moment the OCD is overshadowing it. I think I may even be depressed due to it. I am constantly crying and see no solution to all this. I need to stop all this OCD/anxiety, before it gets too bad. Can anyone help? Thanks Sarah
  14. Sarahb

    Hanging in there!

    Emily is 10 weeks old now, although she seems much older. She already has her own personality. She is generally a happy child and her smile is gorgeous I am on maternity leave from my job as a teaching assistant and it was the children's last day in my class yesterday. I felt sad to not be a part of it, because it is usually such an exciting and happy day. Some days I wish I was back there. I thought working was challenging for me due to the ocd and anxiety, but it seems easy in comparison to looking after a baby 24 hours a day. She is quite an easy child to look after in a way, because she is usually quite content. She also sleeps through the night (most nights) already - 10:30pm - 5am, so I get some sleep. My problem is I predict bad things are going to happen all the time and I am constantly on edge. Will she wake up and cry in a minute? Will she be sick again for the hundreth time (she is a sicky baby)? Will she choke? What will the neighbours think of all the crying? Have I tightened the flask enough? Is the formula as sterile as it can be? Did I put the steriliser on correctly? What should I dress her in? Is she too hot? etc etc. Goodness knows what my blood pressure is like. The ocd has come back and is causing me to take longer to do everything, but it is not as bad as it was a few years ago. I have also had bouts of low mood (maybe depression) since Emily has been born. Nothing I can't cope with, if I stay strong and determind. Yesterday Emily was really upset and unsettled. I sang to her and she looked up at me and smiled. As long as I sang she was happy and her face was full of smiles. That makes it all worthwhile!
  15. Sarahb

    New baby - OCD back

    Thank you for replying to my blog. Your replies have really helped. I have a tendancy to be too hard on myself, but the OCD isn't helping matters. I am sure I will be able to beat it or at least hope I can.
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