Starlight

Hello. The title pretty much says it all. Where do you draw the line in current times? But I will give you some background information below. It must be getting on for about 10 years since I last frequented these forums. Back then I was a teen struggling with OCD, mainly focused on checking. I had CBT and over time OCD wasn't a big part of my life anymore. Through other aspects of my life too, I got quite good at being out of my comfort zone, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I'm still a naturally anxious person and I've come to accept that is just me, but I'm fairly good at ignoring that anxiety and not letting it control my life. Over the years I have on occasion out of the blue found myself suddenly doing an old compulsion. But I would notice my behaviour, think 'come on, what are you doing', recognise my worries are unfounded and walk away and feel the fear briefly. I would nip it in the bud, aware of not wanting to let old habits take hold again. For example, if I get in the car and worry if I've locked the door properly or not I just drive off. Someone without OCD might be able to get out and check the door is locked once and be done with it. I know if I allow myself to listen to the worry that once can become 3 times which becomes 10 times and suddenly we've spiralled. So I can't afford to give OCD that inch because it will try to take a mile so it's easier to just deal with it from the off. So although most the time these days I don't really consider myself having OCD, I aslo recognise it is there in the background and that I have to be mindful of my thoughts and behaviour to keep not letting it take hold again. I'd like it to stay in the background! Which brings me on to the pandemic. I struggle to know where to draw the line between what is necessary and should be done, and what is slowly starting to become that unhealthy behaviour and I am mindful if I let it go to far I could fall back into those unhealthy habits and thought patterns with my OCD focus changing more towards contamination. It is natural to be anxious and worry about getting ill and family in a pandemic. But I struggle to know what is 'normal' behaviour when you have the mix of those who think the government is changing things to fast, to those who no longer follow the rules and no longer social distance and seem to act as if the pandemic is over. I find myself not wanting to touch things other people could have like gates for example when I'm out walking, and if I start on cleaning things that come in from outside we can get into a never ending spiral. At the moment it is not having too much of an affect on my life. I am living with others who do the food shopping on the way home from work. I don't have friends close by to go and see. I go out only if I need to except for exercise, and I try to time all of that to minimise my contact with people. Which partly feels like a responsible thing to do in a pandemic but partly feels like unhealthy behaviour avoiding the outside world. I've self diagnosed social anxiety which probably makes this worse, as social situations can cause me anxiety and now there is a whole new way of interacting with people people to learn so I'm quite happy living in my little bubble. I have still been to the shops a couple of times though and not avoided it completely. My work cannot open yet, but I am concerned how it will be when I have to go back. It will be stressful and I don't want to slip into additional unhealthy behaviour. Just before lockdown I took a promotion and just started my new job. It is a job with a lot of responsibility, and honestly I am not being over dramatic when I say it is a job where if I make a mistake I could kill someone. So when I return I will have the stress of a new job I was already worried about doing, on top of learning to live in the pandemic world. I will be responsible for carrying out any new guidance but struggle to know what is responsible, and what could be OCD overkill. At home I generally just handwash normally and don't go into the cleaning spiral. I've seen the guidance produced by another similar company and it has lots about disinfecting stuff between people swapping over and not sharing equipment as much as possible, toilets must be cleaned from top to bottom after every use to try to avoid using them, cleaning everything that has been touched etc etc. Some aspects of the job does have people in very close proximity and so higher risks which is why we still are not allowed to open. Being the person responsible, being someone who likes to do the 'right' thing and particularly having to follow guidance like that could be a challenge. I think my interpretation of cleaning everything that has been touched or cleaning top to bottom could be very different to other's, with me being extremely thorough and it being literally everything. So where and how do you draw the line? Sorry this ended up being an essay, I really didn't mean to! Many thanks

Thanks for your reply There's been a few occasions where I tell people because they ought to know, and some because I trust them, and some because of both! Most recently I told the skipper of the boat I sail on, and like others she asked what can she do to help and is there anything she should do if it does happen. Which is understandable considering we're at sea (it has never happened yet at sea though thank god!) But I didn't really know how to reply and answer her question. She's really good and understanding though. What you say about and OCD "attack" makes sense - even if there are not many places to go hide on a boat it should work! Anyone else got any advice? How to explain? What should I tell someone to do if I have a panic attack, or ocd "attack"? Or should i tell them there's nothing for them to do? Starlight

A lot of the time when I tell people such as teachers, instructors, just people who i feel should be aware, that I struggle with OCD and panic attacks, the question I get is what can they do to help, and I never know how to reply to that. I dont know. So I wondered if any of you have any idea how to reply to that. I'd like to know what to tell other people to do if I have a panic attack, because that is what they often ask me and I never know what to say. Just if any of you have any tips on explaining it to people. Many thanks, Starlight

Thanks for the reply I think it does have a fair bit to do with insecurity. Im am pretty insecure at the moment in most aspects of my life. And Im not used to having to cope with OCD away from home at all, either way whether i give into it or not, im just not used to having OCD to think about at all when im away. And its out of my comfort zone because its only in the past year that ive started doing a lot of outdoor activities that require me to spend a night away from home. I write an online diary, but i like your idea. I think I might take a notebook with me next time as I have always found writing how i feel easier than saying it. The problem is next time we go, I will be carrying everything I'm taking on my back for about 12km, so I cant afford to take much extra in terms of distraction and stuff because of the extra weight, and I need to keep my bag as light as possible as i really struggle otherwise and therefore my team struggle as I'm the weakest out of us, and i hate pulling everyone down to my level. The other kids do do fun stuff, like we all take junk food to eat. But at the moment I feel like such an outsider in my own group of friends which doesnt help. I thought it was all in my head, that i was just being over sensitive but it turns out im not. Other people have noticed outside my group of friends have mentioned it to me. Im just kind of an after thought to them. They'd rather choose to be around other people in my friendship group than me. And it really gets to me, stupid actions just get me down. And so I feel alone. Which makes it harder to just hold myself together (So far I havent managed one of these nights away without crying at some point). And I still just blame me for it being this way and for us not being so close anymore. They dont understand but I cant blame them for that, I dont understand my self half the time. But then they get angry for me falling apart and crying, when I cant help it, I try so long just to hold it in but there becomes a point where I can't anymore and I just break and cry uncontrollably. Everyone finds the physical part tough, but with feeling alone, being at the back with everyone far ahead infront of you so you really are alone, having no-one to distract you, wanting to give up because its so hard and because you are pulling you're team down so they would be better of without you... and then factor in OCD its just gets so so hard. Oh and I've found out not the next time we go, but the time after that it will be three days long, which is an extra day of hard physical activity and night I will have to try to cope with. That may be quite interesting :S two days and one night is hard enough! Sorry I started rambling :/ Feels good to let it out though Starlight xx PS. Despite the sound of this, I'm not giving up on the outdoor stuff, not after getting this far. I like the feeling of making it to the end each time because it shows me Im stronger than I think I am. And right now I could do with that proof to believe in myself when it just feels like Im walking on eggshells. And despite the sound of it, I do enjoy it, I just have hard times at the same time so I love it and hate it at the same time! I do have good times I've just written about the not so good times above.

Thanks again for the reply And thanks for the ideas. I now have some ideas which I can tailor to suit myself, so thanks Starlight xx

Thanks for the reply The problem is I am pretty much in the middle of nowhere and therefore do not have a signal to contact anyone. (And mobile phones are supposed to be banned on these trips!) So its pretty much down to me and whoever is there with me. I like the idea of the emergency plan. But i don't know what to put on it. Any suggestions? I don't really know what would help me through the panic and OCD. :/ Starlight xx

Earlier this week I was on a trip with college where I spent one night away from home. I informed the adults there that I have OCD before I went. But that one night my OCD went haywire and I just didn't know how to react. I was awake at one oclock in the morning crying my eyes out and having a panic attack. And this is while sharing a room with some people who have no clue about my OCD. At that time I was so close to going and waking the adults up, but 1. I felt bad as they would have been fast asleep and 2. What could they have done for me? If I gave in to the OCD then I would have been really self conscious and embarrassed infront of all the people in our dorm, the majority of which have no idea about my OCD. But by leaving it it lead to me having a hard time overnight. And this was when I was essential I got plenty of sleep because we were doing outdoor adventure activities and I've done it on no sleep before and it equalled me being a complete emotional/mental wreck the next day and i cried for three hours straight which lets my team down and doesnt exactly make it a fun experience. I am the weakest in my team so i need as much sleep as possible to have as much energy as possible. The next day I contemplated speaking with the adults but at the moment I have no confidence, so I never dared ask to speak infront of the other people. They were never on their own, there was always someone else just casually chatting with them. And the problem is I know for certain there is going to be at least 3 other occasions this year where I am in the same situation. How do you cope when you are not in the comfort of your own home? If I had woken up the adults, is there anything they could have done? Is there anything next time I can tell the adults so they are able to help me? What can people around me while Im there do to help? I just dont know how to cope and deal with it in that situation. What do you advise I do? What if I do give in then have to face everyone in my dorm basically watching me loose it? Either way I cant win :/ Sorry its getting late. Im sure there'll be something I forgot to say, but its a start Thanks, Starlight xx PS. My ocd mainly consists of checking. Happens with lights locks etc but then checking bags, like if i have everything which is very likely when I have to pack a bag for a night away, and then repack it the next day when I come home, I end up checking the bag and where I was staying a lot for the fear of leaving something behind.

Wow i write lots of lists too! i started off writing them on my hand, but then it got out of hand so i basically constantly had a hand covered in ink! Now i just have my daily to do list (half of which never gets done and has been on my to do list for months ) I also list lots of things in my mind, remebering certain things and sometimes like having a mini to do list of say 5 things i need to do before i go to bed. It can be very annoying but now ive realised i have an excellent memory, i just wish i would trust it sometimes! Starlight x

Hey I'm feeling a lot better actually thank you . I've had it bottled up for so long because the people i usually talk to about stuff like this are the ones it is about so i kept quiet; its just a relief to not have it just stuck in my head anymore. And Cat - thanks for your reply. I do have other people eg. friends my own age but sometimes for some reason they are not right and so often i talk two these two people instead. These people have just helped me to see myself, see when im being too harsh on myself, see what im really like and see that i am actually stronger than i think i am. And i understand what you're saying about depending on yourself but for me i wouldnt have even started recovery if they hadnt been there, so i just have to balance it. And yes the people are older than me, im 15 and i would reckon they are over double my age (late 30s? early 40s?). And thats the reason i worry about what other people would think about the situation. Thanks for your concern but for me its looks like theres nothing wrong, just me worrying to much and over analysing as usual. Starlight x

Thank you both of you :-) You've both helped me. And weirdly ellie you sound just like me! Im 15 too and one of the adults is a teacher from my old school and the other is part of the school im in currently, but i dont quite know what her job actually is And i know i look up to both of them a lot, cos i do hope i will be as caring, helpful and supportive to other people when i'm older. One does so much for me when she doesnt have to do anything and i wounldn't mind being like that. Anyway thank you Starlight x

I find this quite hard to explain so please bear with me I dont know if it has anything to do with my ocd or not. I think i could possibly be obsessed with a couple of people. There are 2 adults who are of no relation to me who know about my ocd (i barely tell anyone). One has been amazing to me helping me through it as shes been there herself so she understands. I cannot ever thank her enough for it. The other has only just been told and is very supportive too. Its kinda hard to describe my feelings towards them, i sort of love them but not it a romantic way, more as a cross between the way you love a mother and the way you love a friend. When i get emails of them, it just brightens my day and makes me smile, sort of like because it shows me someone cares about me and i am not alone. When im feeling down or cannot sleep sometimes i have reread over their messages and it makes me feel better. I look forward to getting their replies. I think about them abit, but i generally think about most things way to much. But then i worry about this not being normal, if other people knew they wouldnt see it the same way as me. I worry that my feelings could be more and that i am actually a lesbian. I worry that other people might see it as they are grooming me, when its nothing like that i swear (and now im worrying you will see it that way so i would get them into trouble when they have done nothing wrong). I worry that im a pervert, stalker as i am friends with one of them on facebook so i check her profile etc sometimes so i often know whats going on, eg. when she is ill. Sometimes i worry that i crave their attention (which could quite possibly be true) and email them to much (its me who starts of the conversation usually looking for help advice and support when im down). I dont really know why ive written this. I suppose ive had it bottled up for ages so it would be nice to get it off my chest. What do you think about all this? I would appreciate your opinion. Have you been in the same situation? Has my ocd latched onto this? Or is it normal? Starlight x

The things you said about sitting in the same place, i can really relate to that and its such a relief as ive never read about someone similar until now. I HAVE to sit in the same seat at school. In each classroom i have a seat that is like 'my seat' and i cant stand it if i dont sit there. This can get very tricky and awkward as i have some teachers that like to keep changing the seating plans (none of them know about my ocd), or worse still rearrange the furniture so my seat no long exists! And im the same at dinner times. I always sit in the same place. My friends are used to it now to don't care but it can be awkward when im around people who dont understand. I just usually end up digging my nails into the palm of my hand to distract me... Anyway, as for advice, i would advise you to seek professional help. Go and see you're GP about it if you can and possibly show him this post to show him what going on. I wrote everything down and showed it to my GP and its the best thing ive done so far. It was just such a relief and liberating after bottling it all up for so long. I would also talk to someone you trust, parents, teachers, friends, just anyone so you don't have to go through this alone. It best to try and sort this as soon as possible as usually the longer you leave it the worse it gets. Starlight x

Well it been a while since I've been on here and things are now changing since i first sought help 6 months ago. Its doesnt feel like im getting anyway but reading things from back then shows me how much ive improved, even little fairy steps are getting me somewhere in the end. Though i've still got a fair way to go. I'm finally beginning to accept the ocd. Still not there totally but its getting better. I still have days where i doubt it is actually ocd, that im just one of those who dont understand it and mistakingly claim they do. I just wish i could be more open about it. I wish i had the confidence to talk about it freely and how it affects me without caring what people will think. Still barely anyone knows about me and i would love to change that, but when it comes down to it just something inside is stopping me. There is only one person i can be completely honest with and thats cos she suffered too so she understand me more, everyone else is pretty clueless. My complusions are getting better and dont take over my life so much. I still hate not doing them but its something i need to do if i ever want to be free from this. But now its just leaving the thoughts behind. I find them pretty tough as its just a constant buzz in my head. But just one step at a time... I still struggle from day to day but luckily I'm having a good spell at the moment. I still get angry and frustrated with myself so often. I still beat myself up over things i do, when i slip up, i just find it hard to let things go but i'm gonna have to get over that eventually. Im scared of what the futures holds, sort of having ocd over having ocd in the future (if that makes any sense whatsoever) like 'what if [insert form of ocd] happens when i move to uni?'. I hate responsibilty but i have just got to learn to live with it. I cant go my who life avoiding it. It still all scares me but if i just keep at it taking it one step at a time i'll get there in the end, even if its just little fairy steps i'll make it eventually, it just may take longer than i first thought it would. Starlight

I wrote this but its still a work in progress, doesnt have a title, and is about more that just ocd but i wanted to show someone and this is one of the only places i can. The mist is drawing closer A haze cast over me Clogging up my mind Hiding the person i used to be The wind is picking up Blowing me far away Making me so alone I can hardly face the day The sun is going down Darkness capturing me Lost and all alone I'm wishing to be free The stars are coming out Lighting up the night If they can beat the darkness Then i wont give up the fight. Starlight xx

I saw you on the lunchtime news today. Well done! It was short and sweet but i wouldnt have had the courage to do that so congrats Starlight xx