Very scared, my thought is back and I'm at breaking point

[Mitsuyoshi 38]

Hello, everybody, it's been a very long time since I last posted on these boards. I was doing quite well, but I slipped and now I'm back to being depressed, crying, just wanting this OCD to leave me alone.

Basically, I'm 16 and my fear is that of paedophillia and being a paedophile. On top of a few other thoughts, I have battled with it for many months and I have always beaten it and gone through a week or so when I've felt good, then slipped a bit, beaten it again and so on. But a while back one of my friends was talking to me about something, and I my OCD instantly turned what he said into an obsessive thought. I've gotten this far by just ignoring it, but now I'm back to being the OCD me again, constantly reassurance seeking and crying all day long.

I hope this doesn't upset anybody, but my friend was bragging about his sex life. At this point, my OCD was very focused on sex and I was going through the whole "Please don't get aroused, please don't think those thoughts" stages. Being very inexperienced and naive on the topic of sex, I know very little and it's quite a frightening thing to think about when mixed with OCD. Anyway, at one point he said something along the line of "The tighter the girl, the better" (yeah, gross, I know". Instantly, my OCD homed in, focused on the thought for just a second and then the thought came up "What if children are tighter than adults?" Yeah, I know it's very sick, I'm really sorry, I hate even thinking about it. But I don't even know what to do, I'm constantly reassurance seeking on the internet, back to crying and feeling depressed. It bothers me, because I don't care and I never have cared about this kind of thing, but no matter how much I try to reassure myself, it's never enough (The nature of the disorder).
Well, that's basically it. I'm stuck... again. And, as I said, I'm pretty much at breaking point again. I don't even really know what to do I was wondering if somebody could just offer some comforting advice? Not reassurance, but something to just give me a point in the right direction. I'm having CBT but haven't seen her for months because I was doing so well. I'm far too frightened to even tell her what my thought is because it disgusts me, makes me feel guilty and has depressed me very much. I just want this to stop, I've had enough

Thank you for reading and sorry for being so gross. But trust me, I'm as disgusted as you are at myself. Sometimes I feel like I don't even deserve to get better because my thoughts are so twisted. But, looking at the positive side, if I beat this one thought, I believe I can beat this whole disorder. I'm not giving up just yet. Sure feels that way, though :'(

[Mipsie]

Another post where I really want to reply and don't know what to say.

As someone without this particular obsession I can read your post and just see how clear it is that you're just afraid, you're not actually a paedophile.

I could think the same things and not see it as anything bad. The reason why they are cropping up so often in your mind is because you're basically thinking, 'where is that thought I'm scared of, so I can watch it?' Then you see the thought and think you meant it. You didn't mean it any more than you mean these words I'm writing because you are hearing them in your head.

IF a thought like that came up in my head it would be of no interest to me, it's just like 'thought junk'. Isn't it funny how I can so easily dismiss the subject you're so scared about, yet I have the same issues with a different subject? If only I could have this reaction to my own intrusive thoughts.

[Mitsuyoshi 38]

Thank you for the reply, and for being so understanding.
I know I'm being stupid, it's just very frustrating for me because this thought means so little to me, yet I treat it like the most important thing in the world. I have had up days and down days with it, but it's the only thought I have encountered so far that has caused this much distress/anxiety/obsessiveness. I keep researching, researching, researching, for reasons why it may/may not be true, I constantly try to find holes in the logic. It's absolutely crushing, every time I find something reassuring, my OCD will always take it away. I understand that this is the nature of the disorder, but I'm at a point where I just want it to go away now. I've done my time with it, 10 months now, and I'm just fed up. I can't believe I'm letting it ruin my life so badly... but I can't help it, I just have no clue what to do. I feel disgusted enough just having the though tin the first place, but my god, after ruminating and ruminating I feel like I'll never be the same and I'll never view sex and relationships the same I'm worried that I've thought about it so much that it's changed my perception of it, and that is scaring the **** out of me.

As you say, you can dismiss it because, in reality, it doesn't even matter. That's why you aren't currently obsessing, asking yourself the same question. Like I said, I'll never give up, but I just wish I was at that place where I can look back and say "Man, what an idiot I was to worry about such trivial nonsense". My parents are worried about me and told me that it's very unhealthy for a 16 year old to be so resentful of life at such a young age, and I agree, but that just makes me feel worse.