Mipsie

I’ve had pure O (harm ocd) since i was about 19. It’s on and off, seems to come on on stressful situations, and then disappears for so long I think I’m cured, then comes back with a vengeance. I have never sought treatment as I hate medication (always seem to get bad reactions) and don’t trust my doctor to actually understand or help. I’m now in my mid 30s. I have avoided starting a family as I am scared the harm OCD will latch onto a new baby and I couldn’t bear it if so. But I really want to start a family. So I need to sort this out once and for all. What are the next steps? If I have to go to a GP, how do I explain without running the risk they just think I’m crazy or violent? And how do I refuse medication and get the other treatments such as CBT/ERP? Any self help tricks I can do in the meantime whenever harm OCD crops up? It hit me last night after watching a scary tv show and I forgot just how terrifying it can be. I want to understand how to cope without getting into a panic attack. Any advice would be great!

Just cling onto the hope of a better future. Take the CBT when you can, and one step at a time.

To be honest I have no idea. They just seemed to fade, think I got bored with them. Some of them I Googled and convinced myself I wouldn't get them because they were more likely to target (for instance) smokers, or those who were overweight. But all that did was force the OCD to morph into something else I could worry about. Cancer has never really been a sticky topic for me because in the back of my mind I think it can be cured. So other illnesses which are more mysterious are the ones that completely freak me out to the point where I can't read/write/Google the name of one that scares me right now. I'm not seeing a therapist partly because a) I feel like that would be an admittance of failure to 'get over' this on my part, I like to be seen as strong-minded and full of common-sense so OCD really hurts my pride b) the bigger reason- I can't name my fears out loud, so can't talk about them to anyone. Not taking medication because I can't swallow pills of any size, have had bad reactions to almost every medication I've ever taken, and am now just paranoid of whatever the doctor gives me. My religion helps me through a LOT, without it I'd be in such a state I'd have no choice but to see a therapist, but obviously I want to side-step that incase it's not relevant for you, and I've no interest in converting anyone How I personally cope when I'm having a spike over a health issue: - Pray. Just simple, like, 'help me'. - Try to get in touch with the calm part of me. It feels as if my OCD is from the actual head, and the calm part of me is from the stomach area. I've no idea if this makes sense, but the calm part of me is untouched by OCD's nonsense and if I listen to it, it helps. I think of it like the ocean, with waves and a storm crashing wildly on the surface, but the sea-bed untouched and peaceful. Hope this doesn't sound crazy! One time I had such a bad panic attack I completely fell down, and still, I felt as if the calm part of me was just watching, and was okay, seeing it for the temporary, safe episode it was. - I come on here or look at the Pure O pdf file on the OCD UK website to remind myself that it is OCD, not a real catastrophe, that I'm a normal person with a relatively normal and common mental hiccup, and I can get better like many others before me. - I try the Four Steps. - By sheer will, if possible, I 'force' myself to refuse worry. This isn't always possible. - I throw myself into work, chat to someone, exercise, etc. That's all I can think of!

Hm. See, one side of me wants to say to you 'just take the CBT. You may have to go outside but it will be gradual and only a little bit at a time, and it's worth it if it gets rid of your OCD and enables you to live a normal, happy life.' But then I look at myself, too scared to talk to anyone about my own OCD because I couldn't cope with CBT or exposure therapy, and I feel like a hypocrite. So I guess all I can say is 'I know how you feel'

i'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Have you tried any therapy/CBT or anything specifically for your POCD, or had any success with the Four Steps?

Definitely. Sometimes I am feeling great and it's like my mind says, 'ooh, you're feeling good! Now let's see if that old thought still bothers you,' and it crashes in again.

My story is here, but it's LONG! If you're in the mood for a biography.. http://www.ocdforums.org/index.php?showtopic=53786#entry445915 The support on this board is invaluable. I'm going through a 'spike' right now after a great day, and once I turn here I feel better. It reminds me it's OCD, not some weird one-off scary problem that's confined to me.

I have had various cancer fears, and am now dealing with a 2 year long obsession over another illness. Health OCD is my big monster.

100%. I feel like if I'm not worrying I'm endangering myself, as if worrying and OCD protects me. Sometimes I get a little worried (ha) that if I ever was to live a OCD-free life I might 'miss' something in my happy, normal state of mind and put my safety at risk in some way. I try to choose not to worry each day, to 'refuse' the fear, but it'd be a lot easier if I didn't feel it protected me, like an alarm bell.

For me, your story resonates a lot with mine. I'm only 27 too. This in particular almost brought tears to my eyes: 'the least likely scenarios in my mind become the most possible'. YES. I believe we can make it through this. Others have lived OCD-free lives. Why can't we? Hold on and one step forward at a time..

I was made redundant twice last year by two different companies and my self-esteem is SO low with employment now! I was given a trial shift today and absolutely love the place, and they seem happy with me and have asked me to come back, but I always wonder if I'll ever really feel secure. I feel like any moment I can lose my job and not know why I'm a great employee and have done nothing wrong, so it's even worse- I don't know what to change! But it sounds like this is just OCD for you as you don't seem in any danger of losing your job.

I'm in my twenties now but I suffered with BDD, depression and then OCD as a teenager, and I'm now an artist It doesn't need to hold you back.

Thanks for your input, we all know what we have to do to get rid of OCD's power over us but it can help to have a reminder of it, and how simple it really is. My personal issue is that I'm not always sure what my OCD wants me to do, as I have Pure O, mostly about 'what if' health worries (at the moment, at least). Last week my OCD tried to transform a little by telling me if I did something (in this case, click on a normal website) something bad would happen. It took me hours, but I knew what I had to do and eventually I plucked up the courage to click on the website. I knew that if I didn't, I'd start a whole new world of OCD that I hadn't been a slave to yet. The whole day after I was in panic that I had endangered myself, but now I see it for the nonsense it was and am not bothered in the slightest. Little things help you to see behind the mirage, however real it might be in that moment. But when your OCD is literally just a cycle of instrusive thoughts, dread and worry, it can be harder to see what you're being bullied into doing and to refuse it in the same way. I can make the difficult decision to not entertain the worries, to not reassure myself etc., but that doesn't stop the emotions rushing around and the old thoughts jumping up. I do have a big suspicion my OCD is due to hormones, however (it spirals out of control when I'm on the PIll, which I will never take again for that reason, and also flares up when I'm on period). So maybe mine needs dealing with on a biological level first. I'm trying to find out natural ways of regulating hormones, but they're hard to find. I get terrified I'll be a complete nutter if I become pregant one day, but hopefully I'll have it all cured by then!

I thought no one would read all of that, haha! Thank you so much for taking the time If I can't beat the OCD on my own I'll find a professional who can help, if I can. The idea of speaking my fears out loud and doing any kind of exposure therapy terrifies me, but it scares me more to have a life with OCD. One big thing that also deters me from seeking professional help is the doctors in my area. I've actually been to them in the past over depression, anxiety and panic attacks (seperately) and they have told me there's nothing I can do except take beta-blockers (I can't do pills- not only do I have quite a fear of medication but I literally can't swallow pills)! They said they can't refer me to anyone. So it's a dead-end. I REALLY want to try and get myself out of this with the help of OCD UK, my own personal beliefs (prayer etc.), and sheer determination, if at all possible.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. At my very worst times I often tried to do the tiniest things that made me feel even just a 0.1% of happiness. This can be anything. For me it could be a bubble bath, or a slightly more expensive kind of herbal tea, or some nice chocolate, or 'allowing' myself to just go to bed early with a good book. It might sound silly but I only have my own experience to go on. Most of us, especially those in hard times, go throughout the day without any sort of indulgences, and they can mean a lot. It's almost as if you're giving yourself the love and hug and time you are craving from another, telling yourself you're worth this extra effort. The smallest of nice moments you can slip into your day can gradually help to chip away at bad emotions. Do what makes you, personally, feel better. Think of your own interests and hobbies. How would you love to spend a whole hour? Give yourself an hour off and spend time learning about something you find fascinating, or just looking out the window and feeling the sunbeams on your face (or listening to the rain), or playing some songs you like, or doing a craft or hobby that you enjoy. Or think of small things that just last 5 minutes and sprinkle them throughout your day to help lift the mood a bit. I hope it helps as it's helped me in the past.

This is one obsession that I feel is often close to latching onto me. I've managed to keep it at bay so far, but I think that if I engaged with it and read about schizophrenia it would turn into a full-blown obsession. It's scary, isn't it, the thought of losing so much control and being kind of 'taken over', which is how people often see schizophrenia. It's terrifying. Sometimes that's all I say to myself- yes, this is scary. It scares me. It is a horrible thing anyone would be scared of. It's ok to feel fear about it. But then let the fear go, if you can. You don't need to hold onto it and let it turn into an obsession boomerang. I know that's easier said than done.

Another post where I really want to reply and don't know what to say. As someone without this particular obsession I can read your post and just see how clear it is that you're just afraid, you're not actually a paedophile. I could think the same things and not see it as anything bad. The reason why they are cropping up so often in your mind is because you're basically thinking, 'where is that thought I'm scared of, so I can watch it?' Then you see the thought and think you meant it. You didn't mean it any more than you mean these words I'm writing because you are hearing them in your head. IF a thought like that came up in my head it would be of no interest to me, it's just like 'thought junk'. Isn't it funny how I can so easily dismiss the subject you're so scared about, yet I have the same issues with a different subject? If only I could have this reaction to my own intrusive thoughts.

I don't know what to say but wanted to reply. This kind of thing was my first full-blown OCD episode, and I had no idea it was OCD back then, I just thought I was a complete nutter. It's now 8 years on from that moment and I'm fine regarding this particular obsession. Unfortunately I don't know why. I think it was a combination of time, forgiving myself, understanding that this is a fairly common form of 'harm OCD' and the very reason it had bothered me at all was because I found it so abhorrent, and because I was completely opposite to that kind of person. I'm sorry you're going through this. Just know that, no matter how you feel, you're not alone in this form of OCD and it's amazing how honest you are about it. Personally I'd say stay away from horrible stories of this type. Not to avoid triggers, just because it's depressing and anxiety-causing material. I no longer read tabloid newspapers because when I do read the regularly I find I see the world as such a horrible, dark place. You need balance- try to seek out some good stories too. When things get too much for me and I don't know where to go to cheer myself up I just end up looking at funny pictures on Cheezburger or something. It's just about balance and not allowing yourself to get too sucked down into the rare, but awful, stories. And maybe see if you can forgive yourself from the heart. That might help a little.

As a heterosexual without HOCD, if I thought I might be gay, I'd just think, 'oh well'. It would be 'me'. I'd be fine with it, as I'm fine with the fact I prefer lattes to black coffee. I know it might sound silly, but I'm trying to say that if you were gay or bisexual without OCD you wouldn't have this reaction. You might find it hard to tell people, you might wish you were straight so life would be easier, but you wouldn't obsess about it like this. I love my boyfriend to bits and so am glad I'm straight, but if I woke up a lesbian tomorrow, it'd be incredibly annoying and disappointing as I am so happy in my relationship, but it wouldn't PANIC me. The feelings and thoughts you're having about this are due to OCD picking a subject to discharge on, and not the subject itself. Not sure if that helps x

I think a lot of people have OCD that overlaps with something else. Often I think OCD and GAD come holding hands It sounds like you might have a touch of 'social anxiety' in particular.

Hi, I would like to give a 'better' answer but I'll be as honest as I can and in my personal experience it faded when I felt like I got to know God more. I know this can be difficult, even impossible, when you have this type of OCD and I don't know what to say about that- I had to wait sometimes until the anxiety faded a bit and then jump on those moments to pray. I also prayed out loud when it was really bad, as I had more control over the words that came out of my mouth than the ones in my head. Sometimes I had to tell God beforehand, 'the prayer I say out loud is the real one!' That's probably a compulsion though A couple of times when it got bad I also asked God to 'think for me' or even 'hug me' especially when I was in bed trying to sleep (my worst time as there was no distraction from the thoughts). I often felt calmer after such words, whether He actively did anything I don't know, but I felt comforted personally. I still sometimes ask Him to 'think for me' when I am having intrusive thoughts before sleep, it makes me feel like I can 'let go' a bit. These are only personal stories though and not magic words of course, this might not help you, or maybe something else will that wouldn't work for me. I also tried to connect to God through my own personality. I love nature and I feel happier and closer to God when I am looking at a beautiful natural scene, the sun is shining, I'm remembering the beach, or spotted a wild animal, for instance. As a Christian I also like The Message version of the Bible, which is written in modern language. I feel further away from God when I read the King James Version, when I go to imposing churches, etc. So I started listening to myself more and what God meant to me. I started making up my own mind- do I really, personally, think God is someone I should be terrified of, who wouldn't understand my OCD? No, not when I am in a sound state of mind, He is meant to be 'love' itself, the perfect adoring parent. There are lots of quotes I could use to back this up if you are a Christian, I'm not too familiar with other holy books, and in case you're not I won't quote from the Bible here! Sometimes I considered how I felt towards those I loved and used that as a guideline for how I thought God would treat me, or imagined a child of my own suffering with the same problem, and as if I could hear and answer their prayers. Of course I'd not only understand what's going on, but I'd want them to get better almost more than they themselves do, I'd never hurt them! I'd want to say, 'I know you're scared, but it's okay, I'm on your side.' I think God would feel this amount of love at the bare minimum. It might also help to just remember how many times you've prayed 'bad prayers' and none came true. There are plenty of amazing people throughout history who suffered with religious OCD as well, unfortunately I'm not great at remembering names but there's a lot of famous ones out there (I'm going to take a guess at John Bunyan and Martin Luther, perhaps). Hope this helps a little. I think, in a nutshell- try to ignore religion itself, all its rules and regulations, and try to discover God on your own terms. That's what worked for me, anyway In my experience I feel like I get in touch with God from a different place than the OCD- I feel as if the OCD is in my actual head whereas the connection to God is more around the belly button area, haha. This might be nonsense, I'm just saying how I feel. When you're really in a bad state they can feel overlapped, but otherwise you can seperate them. The stomach area thoughts I think of as the 'real me', without OCD, the part of me that almost feels like common sense, that can watch my panic as if from a distance. I think of it a bit like the ocean- on the top there can be a storm, waves crashing, wind howling, but on the bottom of the sea bed it's calm and completely untouched. The sea bed is the 'healthy mind' version of you. I personally think God gave me this image when I had the worst panic attack of my life and I've clung onto it ever since. I hope it helps someone else and I'm not just rambling!

Hi all. I have (quite literally) been lurking these forums for 2 years now. Tonight I finally made an account. I am incredibly grateful for all of you here. Though you never knew, looking through the messages left here has helped me beyond words. At times when I felt I was going to fall into some mental abyss, I just went straight for this forum and read the words of sufferers here who described exactly what I was thinking and feeling, allowing me to understand that this 'isn't me, it's OCD'. I honestly don't know what I would have done without this forum. I feel as if, now I'm here, I should spill almost everything... I grew up in a house with domestic violence (father to mother). My OCD began when I was about 9, looking back. I became obsessed with predicting my father's outbursts and somehow being able to stop them before they arose. I was convinced I could 'crack the code'. His personality changes came out of the blue, like an earthquake, shattering everything and making me in fear of mine and my mother's life, regularly. I used to worry I'd come home from school and find them both dead. When I heard him raise his voice I had to put on my trainers and go by the window incase I needed to make a quick escape (incase my mother got killed). I was too young to defend her. I thought the numbers 6, 9 and 12 were key, somehow, in the dates and times of the outbursts. I now think he is bipolar. I love and forgive him, and apart from the outbursts he is a lovely person, but the violence was extreme and it had an effect on me. About this time I also became obsessed with vampires and ghosts after finding a book on Dracula. In my child's mind I saw a factual book with the authority of a newspaper saying 'Dracula has returned'. I found the exact same book again 2 years ago, and it's a hilariously awful 80's cartoon thing, I can't believe how seriously I took it. But I used to think about vampires and ghosts coming to get me every night and doing rituals to keep them away. I had to sleep in a certain way for years! My OCD calmed down and depression took its place between the years of 15 to 19. The depression was so severe I am surprised I surivived it. I also had very bad BDD during this time and couldn't go out the house because I felt so ugly. I feel a lot of regret spending my teenage years like this and wish I could go back and have fun, but it's done now OCD reared up like nothing I've experienced before when I was 19. I have never, ever told a soul what I'm about to say. I had been reading bad stories on the internet, 'true crime' type things, after seeing some awful newspaper headlines. I can't even remember what stories triggered it all, but I ended up getting in a massive state of anxiety and distrust, scared that absolutely everyone was a potential nutter. Things escalated into the most horrible mental experience I could have imagined- extreme harm OCD against the boyfriend I adored, out of nowhere on a beautiful summer day. I was terrified. Was I going to turn into a monster like the people I'd been reading about and get locked up? Was I going to hurt someone I cared about? I had many severe panic attacks in this time, unable to reach out for help or advice and unable to tell anyone what on earth was going on, feeling so alone and afraid of myself. It messed up my life for almost 2 years. I had no idea that OCD was anything other than extreme tidiness so didn't know I was suffering from a diagnosed problem, I just thought I was in this battle for my soul. Eventually harm OCD morphed into health anxiety/OCD. Obsessions came and went like tsunamis. At one point I was literally at the doctor's every two days. I was at university by now, again struggling in silence. I ended up failing my entire degree on the last module because I had a breakdown with the stress of it all. After that, things quitened down a bit, not sure how or why. I still had OCD but it wasn't the monster it had been before. I couldn't listen to my heart beating or my pulse (scared that I could make it stop somehow by doing so) and washed my hands a bit too much, and had various short-lived health obsessions, but I was coping fairly okay. Somehow, I ended up getting more into my religion. I was actually quite happy. I ended up getting better and better. I found something that made me feel protected and safe. I ended up finding online preaching files by a man in America. He is quite famous. He believes that people have quite a lot of control over their lives, and essentially have authority over everything by their thoughts and emotions. In essence, it's 'The Secret' with Jesus attached. You can probably see where this is going. I didn't, at the time. I was flying high and lapping up every single word he said. One day he told a story of a girl he once knew who had been ill and eventually died, despite his attempts at faith healing. (I feel bad writing this as if I'm talking against him, but I know it's just OCD, and I mean no harm anyway). He said that God never causes illnesses and just because she wasn't healed doesn't mean it was God's fault. Fine and dandy, that sounds like a nice message. But then he said he had since 'learnt', not sure how, that the girl had become ill because she had prayed for it. (Anxiety hitting now, really high.) She had thought she could lead more people to God that way. He said again, God would never make anyone ill. But she had made herself ill. OCD rushed over me so fast I felt like I was drowning. I was terrified that I could accidentally make 'bad prayers'. Instantly intrustive thoughts came up in my mind, saying the exact words I feared most. I was beyond scared that I'd get ill too. I couldn't cope. I could hardly bear to go for a coffee. As usual I tried to hide everything and carry on, but one day I covinced myself I was going mad and, on another beautiful summer day with my boyfriend, I broke down in tears and shaking, telling him how I'd been feeling, kind of hoping he'd get me sent away and sorted out. He was really calm and said it could be the contraceptive Pill as his sister went the same with the Pill. I realised that all of my worst bouts of OCD had been whilst I'd been on the Pill (I kept trying it and going off it, as I didn't like it anyway but felt the doctors were forcing it on me). I stopped taking the Pill that day after reading reviews online from other girls who had taken the Pill and described exactly how I felt. Without the Pill in my system things didn't reach quite the cresendo they had before, but my mind had picked up habits now, and the obsessions still lurked. I was so tired of being obsessed about the illness the girl had I tried to change it, by force of will, into an obsession of another illness I wasn't scared of (as it was much rarer). I successed. I no longer cared about the illness the girl had, I could read the name without caring, but now I was beyond terrified of this new one, which I hadn't seen as a threat before. The 'bad prayers' had used the new one, and I was in despair that I had put myself in danger. I was in such a state I literally couldn't walk home from work without playing Sudoku on my phone every step of the way. I couldn't sleep without reading until I was exhausted. I could NOT be alone with my thoughts. One day I managed, via Google, to find out that I had OCD! I read the Pure OCD pdf file on this site and burst out crying with relief that I was a normal person with a normal (if unpleasant) problem. THANK YOU. This helped beyond words. Now, almost two years have passed. The obsession has waxed and waned. At times I believed I was OCD free. Right now it's very clear I'm not. I'm still on the same obsession, but I've made my peace with God and realise no amount of 'bad prayers' will hurt me, and I'm glad of that because my beliefs do help me when they're not polluted by OCD. My panic now is just over one illness in particular (the same one I convinced myself to get worried about instead)- I can't read it, hear it, see anyone who may look like they have it. It's my grown-up version of the vampire book. I have a wonderful event happening in late June that I'm looking forward to and want to be OCD free by then, or at least unbothered by it. I have started the Four Steps. I don't want to approach a doctor as I can't describe the details of my OCD let alone consider exposure therapy, but the Four Steps do help. I'm really hoping with the Four Steps and God on my side I can overcome this. Thank you all so much for helping me these last two years, although you didn't know. x

I feel like there is a part of me I can always tap into that doesn't care in the slightest about my obsessions. I call this the 'real me.' Sometimes it's like imagining a cross-section of the ocean. On top, the waves are crashing, there can be a storm. But the sea bed isn't bothered, it's calm and completely untouched. The surface of the sea is the part of me that's tossed and turned by OCD. The sea bed is this 'real me'. Sometimes when I am desperate or go into a proper panic attack I can feel the 'real me' sitting there quietly, watching, as if it's waiting for me to get back to normal, seeing it for the nonsense that it is, as if I'm temporarily ill (with a mental 'cold'). A couple of times a new obsession lurched inside my mind and I had this prompting from the 'real me' as if I was saying, 'would the real me care about this?' And that part wouldn't. Almost as if that's the area left of me with common sense. However it's not all that easy. I can't live in this 'real me' all the time because deep down I'm worried that if I'm not on high-alert, I'll fail to protect myself or miss something. I don't know if anyone can relate.

After lurking these forums regularly for two years now, I was just spurred to create an account so I could reply to your thread. My OCD flare up began with these exact thoughts. Somehow along the way I understood that this is exactly what is meant by 'intrusive thoughts' and they don't bother me at all now. I can literally think exactly what you wrote and not care in the slightest or feel at all threatened. I hope that might help. My OCD is still here and very strong, but on another topic. However I wanted to reach out and let you know these particular 'bad prayers' are incredibly common in OCD. As a Christian they stopped me going to Mass for a very long time and completely disrupted my relationship with God. Thankfully now I realise how much nonsense these thoughts are. I hope I can realise that for all my obsessions.