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Deeply in need of some support and peptalk.

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I recently wrote a post about this, but it was way to detailed, and it was to brutal for me to have lying around on the internet, so i had it deleted. I will now try to write a good post that i dont have to delete, becuase i actually need some peptalk about this. I know very well that this is ocd, even dough part of me wants me to believe its not, and that i actually have done something wrong. But this is not about that. I need to write a post to explain in words why this is so diffucult for me, and what the anxiety really is about. I need this to sort it out. I need this to sort out my feelings and anxiety the right way. Because this is not only about the topic, its about much more. 

So: i had a bit difficult childhood. My father had a speciall way to try to..... well, he tried to do the right thing by teaching us right from wrong, but he did it in a way that was not good for me or my brother. I wont go into details, because i wont have this on the internet, but thats the background of this. 

I had a healthy way of looking at this for many years, and got help, and talked about it the way it was when i talked about it. No guilt, no shame, nothing like that. 

These last 4 years, whenever i talked about him, i always added: but he is a good guy, he never ment to........ and so one and so forth. 

We have now a good relationship, and i really like him, besides the fact that he sometimes talk to me or others the same way he did when i was  a child, and its uncomfortable for me and anybody else who hear it, but i just ignore it. I dont have to listen to it. 

Anyways: the fact that i started to do this compulsion (talk about him in a good way right after stating facts about him or my childhood) i made it almost imposible for me to talk about it without extreme anxiety and disscomfort/feeling guilty, and i get these images about him being sad and hurt, and like, it cuts me to the cord. Really, its like a knife in my chest. 

Its not that i have to talk about my childhood all the time, but sometimes its just good to talk about it. I also have two much younger sisters who still lives with him, and sometimes the topic comes up. Im not gonna go more into details, but this is what i currently struggle with/this is my situation now: 

-I think that i finally had some braketroughs regarding me not wanting to "exuse him", or do this compulsion anymore. I actually want to talk about my childhood freely, i want to be able to state facts without taking it back. 

-I get these extreme panic attakcs where i get images where he is hurt, i feel like ive stabbed him with a knife, i feel ive hurt him by talking about him like this

-I fear the guilt in itself. Im one of those people who handle guilt very badly, but this is when ive actually done something wrong. Lets say, i once cheated on somebody, and that was real guilt. this is not. This is FEAR OF THE GUILT. Not guilt itself. 

-I get these thougts there are typical ocd: if i could remove these bad feelings, my life would be perfect. Like: "it was a bad time to make these (good) changes, because these feelings make it diffucult for me, and i dont want it to be difficult."

-Stupid me, why did i do this now, i dident have to make any changes, it was good the way it was. 

-I should call everybody i talked to, and take it back, or say somehting good about him. 


SO: i need a peptalk. i need somebody else to give me some good peptalk, not reassurance about me not doing something wrong, i could call my former child therapist i had back then if i wanted that. She would tell me, like they always do: this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong, ect. ect. but i know that would not change this for the good. Thats why i know this is ocd. This is about my amygdala, it thinks that i need to fix this, and its shocked, my amygdala is shocked at the moment, becuase i usually feed it some good compulsion. I did not this time. 

Ive been talking about my childhood these last days, and i went trough it in my head (its a bit healty for me once in a good while to relive it, so i remember what actually went down. This was part of my life from the age 2 till 13, and it has affected my life a great part. Its important to remember it, without it being consuming, and its not. This issue is not about me going trough my childhood and its making problems for me, this issue is ONLY about my 1: fear of hurting my father/images about him being hurt 2: fear of guilt itself, that means: fear of the fear. Looking for perfection. looking for a life without bad feelings. 

Sorry for a long post, and i will really try not to delete this. I might, but ill try. 



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Just to add, also a reminder to myself: it had been great if we had a bad relationship now. If he was an *******, or treated me badly now. He does not. Thats one of the problems. We have a great relationship. He is funny, cool, we talk about music, about this and that, and he supports me, and you know, he is a great father (telling this here is not a comulsion, this is a fact) and this make it so much more difficult for me. He sent me a funny picture after me talking about him in a "bad way", and i just broke down. 

It feels like i cut his chest open, and ripping his heart out. But i know that what he did to me when i was a child was not good. I know that. I have to keep on this right track. I have to be able to keep this two things seperate: the person he was to me when i was a child, and the person he is to me know. The one does not remove the other. That goes for him to: his good qualities does not take away the part where he did me wrong, and vise versa.  

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