No idea what to put as a title??

[pottypotter]

Don't really know where to start?? I don't usually post about my own problems, so this feels kinda strange. Also a fear no one will reply.

My OCD is probably at its worst now than ever in my life - I can't remember a time where I didn't have OCD & I am now 30.

Today I finished CAT therapy. The therapist was really nice. But she didn't get me, not at all. This has happened all my life. Social workers, CBT therapists, CAT therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists - I have been under mental health care since 13 in quite a few different areas, so lots of different therapists.

Cut a long story short, today while in my last session I tried to explain something, I thought I had simplified what I was saying, I felt I made perfect sense. My therapist looked at me and said "Danielle, I have to admit I have no idea what you mean." She was very kind, not rude at all. Her words broke my heart. It was as if the penny dropped - it isn't the therapists who can't help, I simply don't make sense. I feel terrified right now that what I am typing won't make any sense.

My OCD is that bad I can't even do rituals anymore, I simply don't have the energy to redo them, as I already know whatever I do won't help.

Don't really know what I am expecting from writing this, probably just helps to type it out.

I went away from therapy today feeling sorry for the therapist & guilty, as she seemed upset with herself that she couldn't help me.

I really did try to make the therapy work. I feel I am backed into a corner now & just have to accept that this is how I am, and that is that.

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this.

Sorry I am not my usual "High on Life" potty-self.

Hope everyone is well xx

[Purplepiper7]

Hi pottypotter, I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. I can't remember a time in my life without OCD either, but I'm only 14 so it hasn't been quite so long. I'm sorry to hear that you're the same, it's not very pleasant.

What you're saying makes perfect sense. Sometimes I have absolutely no energy, and am afraid of not doing rituals so I just lay there counting, tapping, and sometimes crying until I fall asleep. That's what happened last night actually, I didn't have the energy to anything. It does help sometimes to type it out, and to tell someone that understands.

Please don't feel guilty potty, there's no need. You tried your very best, as did your therapist. That's all anyone can ever ask of you. You don't have to accept that this is how you will be forever because that's not true. You will get better potty, you can overcome this. I know you can. Recovery is a long journey that seems to take forever, but we'll all be there to congratulate once you reach the end of the road (of recovery of course). Remember that there are better days ahead, I hope the world treats you well tomorrow.

~Purple :hug:

[dksea]

Maybe you can share what you were trying to explain with us and see if we can bring some different perspective to it?

[pottypotter]

dksea, I honestly can't remember what it was, it was something very simple, I think that's why it upset me so much, I was just talking normal (for me) & she got lost. It was just heart breaking, this woman really did not understand what I was saying. Frightens me, scared I am constantly going around thinking I am making sense when really people may just think I am confusing.

Thank you Purplepiper7 for your sweet words, hard to believe you are only 14, what a wise head you have on your shoulders already, a very good attribute to have.

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you potty :blushing: How are things with you today? I don't think it's that you, yourself, are confusing so to speak. Quite the contrary actually. However, I do think that she may have just not understood that specific thing. You see, it doesn't make you confusing as a person, more so that one statement. When you talked to her, did she get lost often? If so, the two of you just may not have clicked, had a good understanding of each other. In the case that her getting lost is rare, you are taking a small amount of events and using them to judge yourself. In essence, saying something that someone else finds confusing doesn't necessarily make you, potty, a confusing person.

~Purple :hug:

[pottypotter]

Thank you Purple.

Overall, she kind of understood me. I think it just felt upsetting when I thought I had made perfect sense but hadn't.

Feeling better since typing it out.

Thank you for your replies :balloon: