robbiec87

Well I guess how I feel is summed up in the title. I edge towards the religious side of things, I’m not a devout Church goer but I do believe in God. But at the same time I’m going through a bad OCD episode, I’m questioning why God would ‘plague’ me with this mental illness. These past near enough 20 months have been awful and I see no way out. I was supposed to be playing football tonight but have chosen to stay hidden in my room. Going back to God, I’m asking alsorts of questions. The thought of telling him to ‘go away’ is making me feel better, that shouldn’t feel right surely? I don’t know. I’m lost, I just want peace in my own head.

What did you do?

Right I’ve come the conclusion that I’m destined to be a single, emotionalless, numbful dolt and just embrace the void for the next few years. Obviously I’m due more suffering and I’m going to have to suck it up and enjoy it. The only way I have out of this, take what’s coming and see what comes out of it.

And what do you have? Marriage? Kids?

I’m sick of suffering. I know in life you’re expected to suffer at times and you come out of it as a better person but this is constant. How long am I expected to last like this for? It could be years and I’m not prepared to slug it out for years again just to feel ‘normal’. The numbness has just turned to apathy. The point is in my 20s, I had time. I recovered (kinda) Now though, I don’t have time, by the time things get better (and that’s not a guarantee) I could be any age. All my mates settled down and there is me, the mess up of the group. It’s terrifying. I don’t know if I can muster up the will to fight this again as I’m so numb to it all now.

I'd like to congratulate OCD for ruining my life. I have lost the battle. The past few months I've lost my job, my identity, my sex drive and my will to live. Going through my latest 'theme' of OCD has finished me off. I've mentioned before in other topics about how this came about so I don't want to go over old ground. But I've gone through this before and it took me years to get over it and feel 'normal' again. This time though I'm 30 years old and I haven't got time to fix myself. I'm numb, I get headaches when I try to think 'normally' and I've just had enough. I sleep to get away from my thoughts. I'd love to feel back to my old self again. I've tried it all. Therapy/CBT, different medication. None of it works. I have nowhere else to go. Everyone is having getting married, having families whilst I can't even get aroused by the opposite sex anymore yet only a year or so ago a simple touch from my ex girlfriend would spark me into life. That seems so far away now. I just wanted to rant. You don't have to reply but I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations.

Think I'd bring the mood down if I was honest about how I view my future. Well done to those who are optimistic though.

I’m proper relapsing over this. I don’t need reassurance, just advise on how to cope.

Know how you feel. Honestly have no idea what my identity is anymore.

I did give it meaning yeah. This incident happened in August 2016 and I asked her about it in December 2016. Weird how it’s come back to ‘haunt’ me so to speak.

How do I become at peace with a previous incident in life? I've finally attending CBT sessions now. I sometimes have trouble thinking about a previous sexual encounter from a while back. Basically I was drunk and went round a woman's house. I was wasted, she wasn't. Didn't even have full sexual intercourse. Some oral the morning after but that was that. I think about it every now and then and think I raped her because I was drunk. I even messaged said woman and she said "don't be daft." She even sent me a message on New Year wishing me a happy new year lol. I've even talked to my therapist about this and she said don't worry about it. But why am I worrying? How can I move forward and accept nothing wrong happened?

Easier than it sounds tbf. This shouldn’t have lasted this long.

I’m seriously contemplating suicide atm. This isn’t going to go away.

Know how you feel. 7 months and counting.

I had a meltdown this weekend. I have been off work sick for 9 weeks. I've been full of self loathing and came to a point where I left a voice message to my ex explaining what happened. All my thoughts about texting the ex ex and triggering my OCD. Nothing, we have not been together for four months now so she has probably moved on. At least she (might) know why I pushed her away. She was the only one who 'understood' my OCD until tonight though. I have never told anyone else how severe my OCD is until I told my Mum before, I burst out crying and told her everything. She knew I had OCD but never understood it. I think she was quite stunned what thoughts I think about when I told her. I shown her articles on it etc. I felt a bit better doing it. She said she would help me get through this. I don't know if I will ever get over last year, I don't know if I have the strength to get over this. Everything should be different now. I should be looking after a family with the woman I love/loved. But now I'm single, childless and have the worst bout of HOCD I've ever experienced. It's all my fault as well. I don't know if I can fight anymore. I guess I will just have to ring therapy up tomorrow, I'm due a CBT session soon. I don't know if telling my Mum will help as I've kept this bottled up for 7 months but we will see.