robbiec87

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

It's a supported living setting so it's quite relaxed. Staff and residents go on their phones alike but I understand where you're coming from. This is the thing, I don't think the resident knew what I was looking at. I was catastrophising. He's ok. And to be honest, I don't want to talk about it as I don't want to trigger him. I still feel rotten though about it all. It's going to take a lot of time to get over this. I'm 37 now and I'm sick of relapsing. I've put so much work into myself recently. This year will make it three years I haven't drank alcohol. I've been regularly going the gym alongside my football. I eat better. I enjoy my job. But I'm back to square one. Ever since this 'break up' of sorts in October I have really struggled and this relapse has taken it out of me. It's like I'm back to square one again. I'm tired of it. I must tell myself this is the card I've been dealt with. I have no other way of getting over it other than to ride the storm. But it's just so hard. Sorry for ranting. Battling this illness is lonely.

I've had a tough few months processing a 'break up' of sorts. The other day I was basically comparing myself to said person and then looking at my life from start to now. I hit a wall and thought 'what have I done with my life?' I felt an sudden rush of guilt. I haven't eat properly for the past three days. I broke down in front of my Mum etc. I work in a care setting (ironically) and yesterday I was on my phone looking at ways to kill myself. A resident opposite me was looking at me whilst this was happening. I have no idea if he looked at what I was looking at. I don't think he did but what if he did? I deserve to be sacked over this. If I can't look after myself then how can I look after other people? What if he hurts himself because of me? I'm finished.

Actually bought that book the other week. I think I need to start reading it don't I But yeah, struggling today. Just staying in bed. The constant guilt is off the scale. I can't talk to anyone about it in real life so I'm glad I have this forum to vent. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't feel like this.

Well I got 'reassured' that me and this said woman are not a couple yet. Thing is now I have to somehow deal with the thoughts as I'm still having them. First batch of thoughts when I started seeing her before this were HOCD then I was struggling because of lack of communication and now this. I think I've fallen pretty hard for her but at the same time it shouldn't feel like this. I should be happy. I've lost eight pounds in weight over the past month. I somehow need to get myself sorted and put myself first.

How? It's unbearable.

Possibly yeah. I'm with her now . I haven't even done anything physical with anyone else since last year but yeah. It's rubbish living like this. I may up the dose of my medication, it might help. Basically last month I liked a random womens pictures and replied to another persons story saying it was 'cheeky.' I didn't even think anything of it until a couple weeks after. I unsent the message as it's consumed me ever since. Said person didn't even read it. But yeah I feel bad. And this woman I'm dating isn't even 'exclusive' to me yet. Why do I feel like this? I'm such an idiot. I've ruined something potentially special.

Nah I haven't to be fair as we're at the early stages of seeing other. She doesn't know I have OCD. I'm kinda scared to put something that heavy on her to be honest. I'm not sure what to do really as she is lovely and it would feel like a missed opportunity if I screwed this up.

I'm going to have to let OCD win. Unfortunately the intrusive thoughts that I done something bad are too much. I'm not eating properly, I've lost weight. It's a shame as I really like her and would like a relationship but living like this is too much. I'm 37 in a couple months, think I'm destined to be alone lol.

A month.

So I'm dating and I really like this person. Problem is I'm not 'exclusive' yet. I have been a bit flirtatious elsewhere though. Nothing physical. But it already feels like I've 'betrayed' this date despite me not being with her. Should I just get rid of this date? Am I just an idiot?

So I still feel bad about this. I've tried everything, I've got a new job, I keep active etc but still I just don't feel 'normal' anymore and haven't for years now because of this. I don't think I will ever experience joy again really, I don't have any feelings anymore. I'm just on autopilot, I have no idea how this will be fixed. I think I deserve it too.

I still struggle with this. I did actually talk to someone about it in March, it made me feel a bit more human but I soon went back to feeling bad. I don't feel any joy or anything anymore. When I try to be my old self I get jolts in my head, as if something is telling me that I deserve this pain. It's a hard slog tbh. I see no way out.

Does anyone get angry at their OCD? Angry at how it's destroyed their lives? Angry at how numb they feel? Angry at how you can't be who you used to be? Angry at what life could've been without this stupid disorder? Well I do, all the time. I want my past back, I want my feelings back. I want to feel alive again. This disorder is horrible.

Well I hope you're right as the last 3 years have particularly numbed me to the point where I don't feel human sometimes.