robbiec87

So I still feel bad about this. I've tried everything, I've got a new job, I keep active etc but still I just don't feel 'normal' anymore and haven't for years now because of this. I don't think I will ever experience joy again really, I don't have any feelings anymore. I'm just on autopilot, I have no idea how this will be fixed. I think I deserve it too.

I still struggle with this. I did actually talk to someone about it in March, it made me feel a bit more human but I soon went back to feeling bad. I don't feel any joy or anything anymore. When I try to be my old self I get jolts in my head, as if something is telling me that I deserve this pain. It's a hard slog tbh. I see no way out.

Does anyone get angry at their OCD? Angry at how it's destroyed their lives? Angry at how numb they feel? Angry at how you can't be who you used to be? Angry at what life could've been without this stupid disorder? Well I do, all the time. I want my past back, I want my feelings back. I want to feel alive again. This disorder is horrible.

Well I hope you're right as the last 3 years have particularly numbed me to the point where I don't feel human sometimes.

No idea tbh, it might've sounded like a joke to them (I don't work with them anymore) I actually seen one of the lads on a random encounter the other week and he was fine with me. I can get sensitive yeah but wouldn't anyone if people said that about you? Joking or not.

Nah I've kinda just come to the point where I deserve to be punished and I'm never go be at peace with what could've happened.

I don't think I even have compulsions anymore tbf. My head is literally just numb at this point.

About 3 years ago I was out with people from my old work. I got drunk as usual. And got into an argument with a couple women in a bar. Nothing happened I thought, moved on the next day. I went away for a week after that night out and arrived back at work. I received a few jokes about me being a 'rapist' to my face. I didn't know what that meant but I was puzzled, quite concerned by it so I spoke to a guy who I could trust about why I'm being called that. Apparently when I was out, a woman rejected my advances so I tried to hit her. Which was the gossip work were saying behind my back. I was shocked by this. I remember arguing with a woman but there were no recollections of me trying to hit someone, nevermind a woman. There were no bruises on my fists or anything to suggest I hit someone. So I went to the bar and asked were there any criminal incidents reported that night I was there. Nothing. People at work were fine, it might've been just 'banter' to them (they might've fabricated the incident to wind me up) but those remarks have haunted me to this day and will probably do for the rest of my life. On top of my crippling HOCD and that incident, my life is basically a void of nothingless. I don't feel anything anymore and haven't for the past 3 years. I probably don't deserve to live really and if you agree with that line of thought then I won't blame you. I even went to a Catholic Priest and confessed, lol. Sad but I wanted to rid myself of any guilt and pain. But yeah, thanks for reading. Think the best thing would be for me to do a penance of some sort. No idea how I can move on from here tbh.

I lost a necklace on Wednesday, it's gone for good now. But for some reason I'm feeling really down over it. It keeps on ticking in my head. I guess it's because I've had it for a few years before my OCD went absolutely crazy in 2017. A reminder of when I was more 'normal' has disappeared. Any idea how I can feel better? Sorry, I sound pathetic tbh.

When I self harmed it was summer 2017. I guess this is kinda a diary of how things have been since my relapse. One good thing that has happened since my last recent post is that my old job have decided to take me on again. I started this week. Updates to follow.

So it's been just over 2 and a half years since I posted this topic. Nothing really much has changed. I just don't feel anything anymore. I haven't for a long time. It basically feels like I'm a zombie without being undead if that makes sense. A terrible state to live under. This isn't living. I have lost my identity, my sexuality, my emotions and most importantly recently, I've lost my faith in God. I don't think that would happen to me ever but it has. Think a lot of things have come to a head. I'm 32, just came out of employment again. (Although tbf that was a seasonal job) Single, living with my Mum through constant mental torture. There isn't much of a way out. I'm blessed to have a good friends but none of them know how bad I feel. Where could I start really? The best thing to do is to plod along because if I opened up to any of them, my mental health suddenly won't change. I've tried therapy before but unfortunately that doesn't offer a time machine. For now I'm going to look for a new job. I'm also considering moving away from here completely, up Scotland or somewhere. I have some savings, maybe a change of scenery could do me good. Anything to feel 'normal' again. Don't know what I'm saying here, just rambling. One thing that I do enjoy is playing football. It helps keep my thoughts away. But yeah, these last 2 and a half years have been tough and I've already buckled up for more struggling. I've got to be realistic. I would just like some hope, that really is all I want. A chance of being who I used to be.

I wouldn't mind avoiding the thoughts usually but when POCD is involved it's really hard not to. I haven't eat properly since NYE tbf. I feel like I don't deserve to. My fault though.

Struggling atm. I’m going through the worst feeling ever and it’s all my fault. I went to a party on New Years Eve and got too drunk. Blacked out. The usual. I got home ok, no signs of any wrong doing but I’ve got it into my head that I touched one of the kids who were at the party. No one has said anything to me. But I’ve convinced myself I’ve done it. How do I get over this?

Well I guess how I feel is summed up in the title. I edge towards the religious side of things, I’m not a devout Church goer but I do believe in God. But at the same time I’m going through a bad OCD episode, I’m questioning why God would ‘plague’ me with this mental illness. These past near enough 20 months have been awful and I see no way out. I was supposed to be playing football tonight but have chosen to stay hidden in my room. Going back to God, I’m asking alsorts of questions. The thought of telling him to ‘go away’ is making me feel better, that shouldn’t feel right surely? I don’t know. I’m lost, I just want peace in my own head.

What did you do?

Right I’ve come the conclusion that I’m destined to be a single, emotionalless, numbful dolt and just embrace the void for the next few years. Obviously I’m due more suffering and I’m going to have to suck it up and enjoy it. The only way I have out of this, take what’s coming and see what comes out of it.

And what do you have? Marriage? Kids?

I’m sick of suffering. I know in life you’re expected to suffer at times and you come out of it as a better person but this is constant. How long am I expected to last like this for? It could be years and I’m not prepared to slug it out for years again just to feel ‘normal’. The numbness has just turned to apathy. The point is in my 20s, I had time. I recovered (kinda) Now though, I don’t have time, by the time things get better (and that’s not a guarantee) I could be any age. All my mates settled down and there is me, the mess up of the group. It’s terrifying. I don’t know if I can muster up the will to fight this again as I’m so numb to it all now.

I'd like to congratulate OCD for ruining my life. I have lost the battle. The past few months I've lost my job, my identity, my sex drive and my will to live. Going through my latest 'theme' of OCD has finished me off. I've mentioned before in other topics about how this came about so I don't want to go over old ground. But I've gone through this before and it took me years to get over it and feel 'normal' again. This time though I'm 30 years old and I haven't got time to fix myself. I'm numb, I get headaches when I try to think 'normally' and I've just had enough. I sleep to get away from my thoughts. I'd love to feel back to my old self again. I've tried it all. Therapy/CBT, different medication. None of it works. I have nowhere else to go. Everyone is having getting married, having families whilst I can't even get aroused by the opposite sex anymore yet only a year or so ago a simple touch from my ex girlfriend would spark me into life. That seems so far away now. I just wanted to rant. You don't have to reply but I needed an outlet to vent my frustrations.

Think I'd bring the mood down if I was honest about how I view my future. Well done to those who are optimistic though.

I’m proper relapsing over this. I don’t need reassurance, just advise on how to cope.

Know how you feel. Honestly have no idea what my identity is anymore.

I did give it meaning yeah. This incident happened in August 2016 and I asked her about it in December 2016. Weird how it’s come back to ‘haunt’ me so to speak.

How do I become at peace with a previous incident in life? I've finally attending CBT sessions now. I sometimes have trouble thinking about a previous sexual encounter from a while back. Basically I was drunk and went round a woman's house. I was wasted, she wasn't. Didn't even have full sexual intercourse. Some oral the morning after but that was that. I think about it every now and then and think I raped her because I was drunk. I even messaged said woman and she said "don't be daft." She even sent me a message on New Year wishing me a happy new year lol. I've even talked to my therapist about this and she said don't worry about it. But why am I worrying? How can I move forward and accept nothing wrong happened?

Easier than it sounds tbf. This shouldn’t have lasted this long.