robbiec87

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot.

It's a supported living setting so it's quite relaxed. Staff and residents go on their phones alike but I understand where you're coming from. This is the thing, I don't think the resident knew what I was looking at. I was catastrophising. He's ok. And to be honest, I don't want to talk about it as I don't want to trigger him. I still feel rotten though about it all. It's going to take a lot of time to get over this. I'm 37 now and I'm sick of relapsing. I've put so much work into myself recently. This year will make it three years I haven't drank alcohol. I've been regularly going the gym alongside my football. I eat better. I enjoy my job. But I'm back to square one. Ever since this 'break up' of sorts in October I have really struggled and this relapse has taken it out of me. It's like I'm back to square one again. I'm tired of it. I must tell myself this is the card I've been dealt with. I have no other way of getting over it other than to ride the storm. But it's just so hard. Sorry for ranting. Battling this illness is lonely.

I've had a tough few months processing a 'break up' of sorts. The other day I was basically comparing myself to said person and then looking at my life from start to now. I hit a wall and thought 'what have I done with my life?' I felt an sudden rush of guilt. I haven't eat properly for the past three days. I broke down in front of my Mum etc. I work in a care setting (ironically) and yesterday I was on my phone looking at ways to kill myself. A resident opposite me was looking at me whilst this was happening. I have no idea if he looked at what I was looking at. I don't think he did but what if he did? I deserve to be sacked over this. If I can't look after myself then how can I look after other people? What if he hurts himself because of me? I'm finished.

Actually bought that book the other week. I think I need to start reading it don't I But yeah, struggling today. Just staying in bed. The constant guilt is off the scale. I can't talk to anyone about it in real life so I'm glad I have this forum to vent. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't feel like this.

Well I got 'reassured' that me and this said woman are not a couple yet. Thing is now I have to somehow deal with the thoughts as I'm still having them. First batch of thoughts when I started seeing her before this were HOCD then I was struggling because of lack of communication and now this. I think I've fallen pretty hard for her but at the same time it shouldn't feel like this. I should be happy. I've lost eight pounds in weight over the past month. I somehow need to get myself sorted and put myself first.

How? It's unbearable.

Possibly yeah. I'm with her now . I haven't even done anything physical with anyone else since last year but yeah. It's rubbish living like this. I may up the dose of my medication, it might help. Basically last month I liked a random womens pictures and replied to another persons story saying it was 'cheeky.' I didn't even think anything of it until a couple weeks after. I unsent the message as it's consumed me ever since. Said person didn't even read it. But yeah I feel bad. And this woman I'm dating isn't even 'exclusive' to me yet. Why do I feel like this? I'm such an idiot. I've ruined something potentially special.

Nah I haven't to be fair as we're at the early stages of seeing other. She doesn't know I have OCD. I'm kinda scared to put something that heavy on her to be honest. I'm not sure what to do really as she is lovely and it would feel like a missed opportunity if I screwed this up.

I'm going to have to let OCD win. Unfortunately the intrusive thoughts that I done something bad are too much. I'm not eating properly, I've lost weight. It's a shame as I really like her and would like a relationship but living like this is too much. I'm 37 in a couple months, think I'm destined to be alone lol.

A month.

So I'm dating and I really like this person. Problem is I'm not 'exclusive' yet. I have been a bit flirtatious elsewhere though. Nothing physical. But it already feels like I've 'betrayed' this date despite me not being with her. Should I just get rid of this date? Am I just an idiot?

So I still feel bad about this. I've tried everything, I've got a new job, I keep active etc but still I just don't feel 'normal' anymore and haven't for years now because of this. I don't think I will ever experience joy again really, I don't have any feelings anymore. I'm just on autopilot, I have no idea how this will be fixed. I think I deserve it too.

I still struggle with this. I did actually talk to someone about it in March, it made me feel a bit more human but I soon went back to feeling bad. I don't feel any joy or anything anymore. When I try to be my old self I get jolts in my head, as if something is telling me that I deserve this pain. It's a hard slog tbh. I see no way out.

Does anyone get angry at their OCD? Angry at how it's destroyed their lives? Angry at how numb they feel? Angry at how you can't be who you used to be? Angry at what life could've been without this stupid disorder? Well I do, all the time. I want my past back, I want my feelings back. I want to feel alive again. This disorder is horrible.

Well I hope you're right as the last 3 years have particularly numbed me to the point where I don't feel human sometimes.

No idea tbh, it might've sounded like a joke to them (I don't work with them anymore) I actually seen one of the lads on a random encounter the other week and he was fine with me. I can get sensitive yeah but wouldn't anyone if people said that about you? Joking or not.

Nah I've kinda just come to the point where I deserve to be punished and I'm never go be at peace with what could've happened.

I don't think I even have compulsions anymore tbf. My head is literally just numb at this point.

About 3 years ago I was out with people from my old work. I got drunk as usual. And got into an argument with a couple women in a bar. Nothing happened I thought, moved on the next day. I went away for a week after that night out and arrived back at work. I received a few jokes about me being a 'rapist' to my face. I didn't know what that meant but I was puzzled, quite concerned by it so I spoke to a guy who I could trust about why I'm being called that. Apparently when I was out, a woman rejected my advances so I tried to hit her. Which was the gossip work were saying behind my back. I was shocked by this. I remember arguing with a woman but there were no recollections of me trying to hit someone, nevermind a woman. There were no bruises on my fists or anything to suggest I hit someone. So I went to the bar and asked were there any criminal incidents reported that night I was there. Nothing. People at work were fine, it might've been just 'banter' to them (they might've fabricated the incident to wind me up) but those remarks have haunted me to this day and will probably do for the rest of my life. On top of my crippling HOCD and that incident, my life is basically a void of nothingless. I don't feel anything anymore and haven't for the past 3 years. I probably don't deserve to live really and if you agree with that line of thought then I won't blame you. I even went to a Catholic Priest and confessed, lol. Sad but I wanted to rid myself of any guilt and pain. But yeah, thanks for reading. Think the best thing would be for me to do a penance of some sort. No idea how I can move on from here tbh.

I lost a necklace on Wednesday, it's gone for good now. But for some reason I'm feeling really down over it. It keeps on ticking in my head. I guess it's because I've had it for a few years before my OCD went absolutely crazy in 2017. A reminder of when I was more 'normal' has disappeared. Any idea how I can feel better? Sorry, I sound pathetic tbh.

When I self harmed it was summer 2017. I guess this is kinda a diary of how things have been since my relapse. One good thing that has happened since my last recent post is that my old job have decided to take me on again. I started this week. Updates to follow.

So it's been just over 2 and a half years since I posted this topic. Nothing really much has changed. I just don't feel anything anymore. I haven't for a long time. It basically feels like I'm a zombie without being undead if that makes sense. A terrible state to live under. This isn't living. I have lost my identity, my sexuality, my emotions and most importantly recently, I've lost my faith in God. I don't think that would happen to me ever but it has. Think a lot of things have come to a head. I'm 32, just came out of employment again. (Although tbf that was a seasonal job) Single, living with my Mum through constant mental torture. There isn't much of a way out. I'm blessed to have a good friends but none of them know how bad I feel. Where could I start really? The best thing to do is to plod along because if I opened up to any of them, my mental health suddenly won't change. I've tried therapy before but unfortunately that doesn't offer a time machine. For now I'm going to look for a new job. I'm also considering moving away from here completely, up Scotland or somewhere. I have some savings, maybe a change of scenery could do me good. Anything to feel 'normal' again. Don't know what I'm saying here, just rambling. One thing that I do enjoy is playing football. It helps keep my thoughts away. But yeah, these last 2 and a half years have been tough and I've already buckled up for more struggling. I've got to be realistic. I would just like some hope, that really is all I want. A chance of being who I used to be.

I wouldn't mind avoiding the thoughts usually but when POCD is involved it's really hard not to. I haven't eat properly since NYE tbf. I feel like I don't deserve to. My fault though.

Struggling atm. I’m going through the worst feeling ever and it’s all my fault. I went to a party on New Years Eve and got too drunk. Blacked out. The usual. I got home ok, no signs of any wrong doing but I’ve got it into my head that I touched one of the kids who were at the party. No one has said anything to me. But I’ve convinced myself I’ve done it. How do I get over this?

Well I guess how I feel is summed up in the title. I edge towards the religious side of things, I’m not a devout Church goer but I do believe in God. But at the same time I’m going through a bad OCD episode, I’m questioning why God would ‘plague’ me with this mental illness. These past near enough 20 months have been awful and I see no way out. I was supposed to be playing football tonight but have chosen to stay hidden in my room. Going back to God, I’m asking alsorts of questions. The thought of telling him to ‘go away’ is making me feel better, that shouldn’t feel right surely? I don’t know. I’m lost, I just want peace in my own head.