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Ryukil

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Male
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    New York

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768 profile views
  1. So, my thing right now is that intrusive thoughts "contaminate" what I'm doing, like reading a book or whatever. I also have physical contamination. So, if I feel my keyboard and mouse are "contaminated," my intrusive sexual thoughts will spike and my groinal responses will get even worse. This is terrible. It's like my OCD is holding me hostage by making my groinal responses even worse and more intense. I don't want to do this anymore. For instance, I made a doctor's appointment that is "contaminated." I want to get on a certain medication before I travel to Germany a week from tomorrow, so this is probably my last opportunity. However, since the appointment is contaminated, the prescription will also be contaminated and then me being on this drug will be contaminated. Which means potentially I could be anxious about it for years because I will be on this drug for years (the drug is finasteride for male pattern hair loss). All of this because I had a very bad intrusive thought last night, and felt like I might have been genuinely aroused by it. I know what groinal responses "feel like" and this felt more like actual arousal. This is a new thing since I was in therapy...if something is contaminated my intrusive thoughts get worse and worse, and the groinal responses seemingly more intense, until I de-contaminate that thing. There's the anxiety about it being contaminated, and then there's the anxiety about my intrusive sexual thoughts spiking because that thing is contaminated.
  2. I don't know. I guess some of you thought it would be a good idea for me to go, especially considering what happened last time I went to therapy (the endless obsessing?). Anyway, while I'm there I would definitely not come to OCD sites looking for reassurance. If I started to, I should probably just alert my team that that's a major compulsion that needs to stop. You're right though, Caramoole, this is all obsessing. I should probably just make a decision (either go or don't) and just stick with it. At this moment, I'm leaning towards go. I have a lot of time to ruminate though, because right now my former therapist is on vacation and I need him to fill out some forms. He said he would be willing to, but he's on vacation at the moment. How do I think outside of my obsessing, though? Like...it's a big decision. I probably want to put some thought into it? Basically, I've got a couple options: forget about McLean and focus on pushing myself to do exposures (possible, but difficult); go back to Dr. P after I return from Germany; go to McLean and hopefully be in an environment that is conducive to doing exposures because I'm surrounded by a bunch of other people doing exposures. Also, hopefully be able to find a helpful medication combination. Bleh. Sorry, I'll chill out. I'm sure you all would be obsessing about this too! It's kind of a big deal.
  3. So, I found out my insurance will cover it 100 %. Which is great. So maybe I should just take the opportunity to do this. At the very least, I can get put on some medication that will help me (I don't mean I'm not going to do the exposures they assign, I just mean at the very least maybe I'll finally find a medication combination that works for me). Anyway, I don't really know if I want to. Well, I don't WANT to, that much (although hanging out with other OCD sufferers does sound kind of fun to me). But...maybe it's really a good option. It's free anyway, might as well take it. I doubt it can do any harm. My dad was like "do you really want this on your record?" I mean...I don't think it works that way, does it? Also, it's pretty annoying that people will view me trying to get help for my problem in a negative light. All part of the stigma, I guess. But the next step is to drop off some papers at my therapist's office (he says he still thinks I can do it outpatient, but to tell you the truth I don't really want to go back to him). He's on vacation, so I'll try to drop them off before he returns.
  4. Yep, you're correct. It's all tied up in my OCD. Truth is I'm not sure what to do. I guess my plan is to have made up my mind by the time I get back from Germany. But I have to be very careful to not let this become the new obsession (it's already starting to). Anyway, tomorrow I will call insurance company and find out how all this will work. Until then, time to give my mind a little rest. I might find this video helpful, lol: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUFvvlnCvSg
  5. Really? :/ I mean, did you follow my older posts while I was still in therapy, Lynz? I don't really want to go to residential treatment. Well, I mean, I have mixed feelings about it. But I guess I should just chill. No need to decide anything right now. First I just need to find out how things work with my insurance.
  6. Just wanted to say, yes, this is true. My OCD demands a decision be made now...I feel anxious if I'm not trying to figure it out or don't have certainty about which path I'm going to take. Anyway, this whole thing got wayyyy out of hand. Obsessing about what is exactly the proper treatment is stupid. I should just do something, as you're all suggesting. But yeah, if I wait until after Germany I probably won't be able to get into the hospital until September or October (because I get back at the end of June). I guess if I apply now, I could get in in July or August. Don't know. But I feel like I need some more time to really consider it because I don't want to make an impulsive decision. Where's the balance? How does a person with OCD who obsesses about decisions give something proper consideration without it becoming obsessive? I was going to say proper and objective consideration, but it's near impossible to be objective about something when it's an obsession. -__- You would all agree I should consider my options here, but...how do I do that without it spiraling out of control and taking up months of my time? What about...I'll make a decision by x date and stick with it no matter what?
  7. Thanks. Yeah. Flooding sucks...but I just want to make sure I'm not "copping out" by being hesitant to do the things he says. I still don't know if it's totally necessary to take it so far. Maybe I really should just try to push myself for a couple months, in my own way, then re-evaluate where I'm at. Just gotta make sure I'm doing things in that time so I don't feel like I've wasted it. Anyway, I should probably stop posting here anyway. Because it just becomes totally obsessive. But I just wanted the honest opinion of other OCD sufferers about such a big decision when it comes to OCD treatment. I'm sure most of you would not want to just impulsively decide to go to a hospital for one, two, or three months.
  8. So, there is a legitimate reason to make a decision pretty soon, and that's that it will probably take 2-3 months to get in...there's a waiting list. I haven't confirmed anything but I think that's the average. Yeah, I like what gingerbread pointed out...I'm kind of just running from one thing to the next, maybe looking for the magic cure. I'm not sure why I should do residential...I could just do normal outpatient therapy. However, as you all saw, that didn't work out either. So maybe I actually am a good candidate for residential. It's just a month or two of my life...might be a decent investment.
  9. Yeah, that is probably a good idea. I contacted them and they say there is usually a wait time (2-3 months), so I just want to make sure I get things done in time. And, by in time, I mean before I lose health insurance coverage on March 29, 2019. Anyway, in this case, this post wasn't really obsessive. It was just me honestly asking, one OCD sufferer to another, if I should seriously consider something like this. I'm sure it could easily BECOME obsessive, but it hasn't really so far. I mean, if I told you guys I would go there and do the work, and I went there and did the work, there's nothing to lose, right? But I guess the question would be "why not just do the work with a local specialist?" Well, my history has definitely shown I have trouble following the advice of therapists. I think if I'm in an environment with other OCD sufferers doing exposures, surrounded by experts who are pressuring me to do exposures...it's such a big step, to go to a residential treatment place, that I think I would take advantage of it. Especially since this would be my last opportunity before I lose insurance (I mean, I know I can get it again, but yeah). I don't really *want* to. But I want to get better, and most of the people I've seen online say residential treatment was a major turning point in their battles with OCD.
  10. Yeah. Well, I don't think I would go back and forth about this one (I mean, I might regret it after having decided to, but once I decide I'm going there I think I just have to do it - this is a much bigger deal than an appointment with a therapist). The worst that could happen is I go for two months and get nothing out of it. But I think being in that environment I would be pretty motivated.
  11. My thing is more worrying that I think x,y, or z will be a magical solution. Like, I push off doing exposures on my own until I go back to therapy or until I go to residential treatment. Ya know? I don't know. I might do it. I want to get over this problem. I already sent them an e-mail for more info, but yeah. I'll think carefully about it before I just impulsively do it. I'm not sure if I want to go back to that therapist, honestly.
  12. I didn't want it to come to this. But maybe I have to. I'm thinking of going to the McLean Institute in Boston. What do you all think? My issue right now is intrusive sexual thoughts and contamination (and I put that together because they are kind of one thing). It's pretty bad, I guess - it keeps me from living my life and doing things I want to do. I guess I could just go to a normal, qualified therapist, or push myself to contaminate things on my own. Anyway. This isn't really something that I WANT to do. But if it could help me, why not? Plus, I have just one more year on my parents' insurance, so. Anyone have any experience with McLean? If so, feel free to post here or PM me about it... I guess this isn't some magical thing...but I do have trouble doing exposures on my own, a lot, and I think it's possible that if I'm in an environment that is 100 % focused on doing targeted exposures, that I would do them. It's either this, go back to therapy, or try to push myself to do exposures, I guess. I have to do something. I am going away for about a month, but after that, I need to really challenge my OCD - I want to take my life back. The cost in anxiety and effort shouldn't matter...it's worth it.
  13. Ryukil

    Update

    I sort of think there are different effective therapies for OCD. They all involve ERP, though. However, I don't have time to think about this really anymore. I just need to try something, whether that's setting up exposures for myself or going back to that therapist, or going to a different therapist. I used to think it was alright to waste so much time on obsessions. Well, not alright, but when you're younger you think you have all the time in the world. It's finally starting to wear off, so that's good, I guess.
  14. Ryukil

    Update

    Hope so. I may just have to go back to this doctor and tell myself that I want to molest children, and all that stuff. I'm pretty close to "bottoming out," I guess (well, maybe not, I'm lucky to have a supportive family - otherwise I might be homeless or something). It's more like I'm just so tired of this eating up months and years of my life...I just want to be able to function normally. This sucks.
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