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Ryukil

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  1. Ryukil

    Groinal response

    Is it okay to say to myself that it's not real arousal if that helps me ignore the contamination compulsion? I get it's a weird area. Something's contaminated right now and it saying to myself it's not real arousal isn't even relieving that much anxiety because I'm still unsure, so. I guess I can say "that's just the OCD groinal response", or "maybe that's real arousal", "it probably was real arousal" or "it definitely was real arousal." I honestly am not sure it matters. I just need to ignore the urge to decontaminate things.
  2. So, my whole thing is mental contamination. I'll get a weird sexual thought about my mom, or dad, or sister, feel like maybe I enjoyed it, and then have to "undo" it by rethinking it and not feeling like I could be aroused. If I don't do this, and then start reading a book after that, or writing notes, or whatever, they are contaminated and I will feel the need to throw out the notebook or re-read that part of the book. If I don't, I feel very anxious but I also have like a constant groinal response. It's very freaky. I guess I just need to ignore it and realize that it's another part of my OCD, right? The anxiety isn't enough so OCD is throwing constant groinal response at me to freak me out, basically. I don't think I can actually get over this phase of my OCD without facing and habituating to the groinal response, not caring that it's there, so I'm doing the right thing to ignore it, right?
  3. Yes, I agree completely. Thanks. I wrote to myself that I'm better off reading about Star Trek than OCD at this point (I love Star Trek, lol). Like, that's more productive than just thinking endlessly about my "perfect plan" for overcoming OCD.
  4. Thanks guys. Need to envision myself posting here in a few months saying I'm much improved and try to make that a reality.
  5. What if I just totally gave up on recovery for a few weeks? No reading about OCD, not trying exposures, just letting go completely? What I was thinking is I come up with a plan for dealing with the contamination exposures and just execute it, without reevaluating whether what I'm doing is right, but you're saying I should deal with the recovery obsession first? Can I attempt dealing with both at the same time by coming up with a plan and executing it?
  6. How do I get over the obsession with recovery? Stop reading about OCD? I just tried to do that and it feels awkward, ungainly. But I guess of course it's going to feel that way. Maybe I should make a commitment to not read about OCD at all for like 1 week or something like that. But what's happening is first the obsession with structured vs. unstructured self-directed (which I'm not sure is that much of a distinction), and then obsessing about whether or not I should agree with the thoughts or remind myself that the urges to do compulsions are "just OCD." So I'll start reading about Brain Lock and looking for people who got better from it, then take notes and save them on my computer. Obviously I need to stop that.
  7. I feel like I can't work with a self-help book due to the nature of my obsession, that I just need to get started. I guess if I just used one book and only that book, and swore off reading anythign else about OCD, it would be okay? Or should I just continue ERP in the way I was doing it in the hospital without using a book? I would use Freedom from OCD by Jonathan Grayson. Would have to order a copy and get it delivered though and I'm tired of waiting to get started.
  8. You mean the labeling? Like realizing a compulsive thought or urge is OCD and thereby ignoring it?
  9. I can't really go to a therapist right now for insurance reasons. But I'm going to stop obsessing and start working on obsessions. It'll actually be a massive relief to stop reading and watching so much about OCD. Need to realize I'm getting stuck in the same patterns I've been in for years and make a conscious decision to stop.
  10. http://www.ocdspecialists.com/stacey-kuhl-wochner-lcsw-on-the-solving-ritual-in-ocd/ This article describes what I'm doing.
  11. So I'm trying to figure out what to do about my OCD. Whether to try self-help, go to a certain therapist, go to another therapist, how exactly to execute self-help if I do it, etc. But I realize trying to decide something and stick with it is part of my OCD - I'm getting caught up in loops about what the "right" decision could be. However, I do need to decide something and commit to it, correct? I can't just do nothing about my OCD. Whatever I choose, I will doubt it and have to keep myself from falling back into "figuring out" mode. Here's a note I just wrote to myself. "You've gotten trapped in this thing where you think you need to solve problem x before you can do anything else. So, you won't pick up the Greek textbook or look at French because problem x is much more important, it needs to be solved. But the problem with OCD is that you can get stuck in eternally trying to solve something, because OCD won't be satisfied with research, notes, thinking, etc. - there will always be doubts, worry that you're making the wrong choice. Perhaps, in some cases, the whole choice thing is an illusion and there isn't really a choice to be made. But you're wasting your life. You have to move forward in some direction. Now when I say "you have to move forward in some direction," does that mean I have to make a choice about whether or not go to [therapist], or do self-help, or do self-help in a structured or unstructured way? It may mean that I should just abandon the idea of making a choice. You're tying yourself up in knots." Is there an option besides making a choice and sticking to it? What would that be? I think that I probably need to commit to stopping reading about OCD and treatment methods, because I'm just watching the same YouTube videos over and over, reading the same stuff. I just need to make a leap of faith and take action instead of permitting myself to get bogged down. I have an obsession with recovery itself, and so the ERP for that (I guess?) would be to give up on recovery, but that seems like a bad idea. I sort of can't go to therapy right now as I have to sort out insurance stuff, so my plan was to do ERP on my own for some time. I guess I can do that, and hopefully the insurance thing will get sorted out so that in a few months I can go to therapy if I find I can't get anywhere. Just wanted to know if anyone has analysis of this kind of OCD pattern, where it feels like thinking about it over and over is productive and you're going to finally make a decision about what to do and get started tomorrow, but every day it resets itself. I think I have decent insight into what's going on here, I just need to put that insight to use and step out of the pattern, in ANY direction (just doing that would be a big step for me and my OCD)...make a leap of faith. "Hug uncertainty," as Mark Freeman says. This video describes very well the pattern I'm locked in:
  12. Okay. Yeah, this is now an obsession. Time to nip it in the bud and just take action before I get bogged down. Someone on Reddit answered my question with: "a better question is, is it better to take action or to be certain that you are going to take action correctly and perfectly?"
  13. So, for example, my whole thing is that the notes or actions I take can be "contaminated" by my thoughts. The cognitive distortion here would be magical thinking, I believe - like, thoughts can't actually contaminate things. However, if I say to myself that thoughts can't contaminate things, isn't that reassurance?
  14. I do think I can do okay on my own. I just got out of a hospital, so I know how to do exposures. The reason I didn't make progress with a trained therapist was because I wasn't consistent in doing exposures because I was obsessing about the therapy. I'm going to try to not let that happen now.
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