Ryukil

Have a great Christmas everyone.

And then eventually, as I expose myself to these kind of things more and more without giving into the compulsion, they won't bother me as much and I will be able to concentrate better, as the strength of the obsessions reduces. Until eventually, hopefully, these types of obsessions (they're physical contamination obsessions - tough to focus on my work when I'm worried about something being "dirty") go away (or just greatly lessen in intensity).

While ignoring a compulsion, I can find it really difficult to concentrate on whatever it is I'm doing. To focus, I mean. If I'm reading something I may have to re-read many times to understand what I'm reading. Or I can't concentrate on my work. I think you guys know what I mean. So, I often give into the compulsion because I'm afraid I won't be able to get anything done / waste time. Any tips for this? I guess I just have to try and focus the best I can? Do the best I can? Accept that maybe I won't be working at 100%?

I feel like it's just part of my personality. Being inflexible, wanting to do things "RIGHT," and all that. For example, when studying languages, writing down every word I don't know. When writing for work, wanting to make sure I understand everything related to the topic, reading every line of articles about the topic. I suppose the answer is to just...probably purposely do things less "perfect."

I just wonder how much of this is down to a desire for flexibility being part of my personality.

If I commit to doing German every Wednesday, then abandon the plan because I feel intense anxiety...that's definitely an OCD compulsion, right?

By the way, are you invoking ACT with the values thing? Just curious. I don't know a lot about ACT but I like what I've seen. The main thing is ERP for me, but I feel like ACT can be helpful to remind someone WHY they're doing ERP (to live a better life in accordance with their values, etc.).

Yeah. Well what happened is on Thursday I said "I'm going to make tomorrow a writing day, Saturday a YouTube channel day, and Sunday a German day." But then it caused me a lot of anxiety to have this schedule / be committed to it, I had trouble concentrating and getting things done, so I threw it out to relieve the anxiety. Definitely a compulsion, right? If I'm doing something to get rid of anxiety. Forgetting about OCD, yeah, doesn't seem at all a bad idea to me to say "I'm going to study German intensely once a week, on Wednesday." But it would cause me anxiety to be committed to that. I don't know why, exactly. A person without OCD (or without this theme) should be able to set a schedule like that no problem. So, to me it would be an exposure to commit to and then stick with the once a week German thing. To not "cancel" it in order to relieve anxiety. I may try committing to that for a couple weeks or a month, or commit to setting a day or two to things like I did on Thursday night but then canceled because of anxiety. Or, I may put the idea on the shelf until I talk to therapist. But I don't have a lot of money right now, and this seems like such a stupid obsession to spend money working on, to be honest. It's so nonsensical/illogical.

For example, if I said "I'll study German every Wednesday" it would really freak me out, spike my anxiety. I would feel the need to get rid of that commitment. I'd rather just study German when I feel like it / have the time. But having a schedule like that isn't really a bad idea, is it? It might help me stay disciplined and improve my German faster. Should I commit to making every Wednesday a "German day" specifically because my OCD doesn't like it?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Thanks. It's just one of my obsessions that doesn't make too much sense. I'm not really going to engage with it or try to figure it out anymore. Just letting it go.

But if I were to say now "tomorrow I will focus on German, Monday on writing, and Tuesday on YouTube channel," and commit to that, it would cause tremendous anxiety. Then, the compulsion would be to throw out that plan, not commit to it. So committing to that schedule/plan would be an exposure.

Anyway I'm just not really engaging with it right now because I realize it's nonsense. Maybe at some point I will "set" a day or two for specific tasks like that and then ride out the anxiety (do an exposure) but for the minute I'm just letting it go. Cause it's a pain in the ass and I'm doing the stuff I want to do anyway. It really makes no sense. Anyway going to drop it here rather than spinning around with it in this thread or in my head. Probably a week from now I will be worried about something else, and I should probably resist posting a thread about it, because that's always been a compulsion for me, an attempt to "work it all out" but it rarely gets anywhere.

Probably I feared it was cause me anxiety, so it did. Something like that. Not sure if that makes sense but...there's something to it. I could see this idea causing no problems at some other point in my life, I would have been obsessing about something else. But I had the idea to do it, started worrying it would cause me anxiety, whatever, then it became an obsession and did. OCD is weird.

Do I HAVE to devote to something if my OCD doesn't want me to? I mean. If I commit to doing tomorrow, y Sunday, and z Monday, it makes my OCD freak out. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I just need to talk to my therapist about this and stop ruminating on it / trying to work it out all online. Or attempt to expose myself to the OCD if that's what I want to do (the committing to a schedule thing). But yeah I've wasted enough time on it (the whole day). But I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and the temptation will be there for me to work it all out with a "fresh" perspective.

Actually I don't like it. Maybe I just need a couple days' break, maybe I'm pushing myself too hard with trying to accomplish everything.