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Ryukil

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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    Male
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    New York

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  1. Yeah...he's kind of dismissed, he says we're still coming into contact with the feared things and contaminating, so it shouldn't matter. I can tell you, though, that if I weren't in therapy this would be causing me much more anxiety, while with therapy it's like a muted form of anxiety and more like tiredness than the anxiety I'm used to feeling when doing exposures.
  2. Still not really feeling much anxiety, it's odd. I'm still in therapy though. I was thinking of going to the end of the year. I have been doing stuff I haven't been doing in a while, but somehow I don't actually feel like I'm making progress. I feel like as soon as I'm done with therapy all the contamination will suddenly become "real" and I'll be inundated with crippling anxiety. I guess all I can do is make sure I don't backslide.
  3. For a long time I've wanted to make YouTube videos about evolution. I'm in therapy now so can try to do it as ERP work, but suddenly I have a new obsession. I'm afraid if I start talking about human evolution I will lose control, essentially become more animalistic and attack people. Stupid I know, but it's really bothering me. I just want to make a video examining Neanderthal skeletons hahaha Maybe I could start with a different topic and move onto that? There are a lot of things I want to make videos about, evolution is one of my passions though.
  4. Why don't I feel anxious though? I'm contaminating everything, but I just feel really "bleh" and disinterested instead of anxious as I normally would when doing exposures. It's weird.
  5. Hello all. So I started therapy with a guy in NYC. He is less harsh than my previous therapist, and is alright with saying "maybe" to the thoughts being true and all this, instead of always agreeing with them, though he says eventually I should agree with them. Anyway, I'll worry about that when/if it comes up. My whole thing, as it's been for a couple years, is mental contamination. Basically, I'll get a bad thought, like about incest, feel like I was turned on by it, then have to rethink the thought and undo that feeling if arousal. If I don't do this, "contamination" from being turned on by the thought spreads to what I'm doing, for instance, making a forum post or writing in a notebook, so that I will have to delete that forum post or throw out the notebook. He told me to just start doing everything I wanted to do, basically. Just start contaminating everything. Which is exactly what I have done. Strangely, though, I don't feel that much anxiety. I just feel tired. It's strange. I can't tell if the medication I'm on is helping, OR if, somehow, being in therapy makes the exposures not as "real" as they would be if I were on my own. Do you know what I mean? I'm worried that being in therapy is basically creating a safe blanket for me where I'm not as "responsible" for the things being contaminated. I will bring this up with him, but if the exposures aren't creating much anxiety then I'm not going to move forward and I shouldn't be giving out $250 per session. This isn't a typical therapy obsession for me, it kind of makes sense. I know I've read about this sort of thing before.
  6. I'm going to go on Tuesday, but why do I have this idea in my mind that therapy is "wrong"? It's unusual. Many just go to therapy and do what the person says.
  7. Supposed to go to him on Tuesday. I'm so anxious. I do not understand why I have this obsession with therapy itself. I have this very entrenched idea that I can do it better on my own, it's just a matter of starting and staying consistent. However, I only "started" once in the past year and eventually caved to compulsions, probably after 4 or 5 days (or even less) and since then have been trying to start but always some really bad obsession was stopping me. This is the main reason I wanted to go to therapy, because I have trouble even getting started ignoring compulsions on my own - I'm always pushing it off until later. Yet somehow I act as if I decided not to go on Tuesday I would get started on my own. I don't know what the deal is - I feel so anxious right now about going to him because it feels "wrong." I guess I have to understand this whole thing with therapy vs. self-help is just another obsession and I need to treat it that way. I don't have anything to lose by going to this guy for a few months and just doing what he says.
  8. I am of course very anxious about it and am telling myself that I can always cancel when he actually gives me an appointment, but yeah. I really wonder why I have such anxiety about going to a therapist. It's not necessarily fear of what they want me to do, it's more that it feels "wrong" or out of place, kind of like this little OCD phase I went through where if the pencils on my computer desk were not straight I couldn't concentrate on the computer game I was playing. Isn't there a term for this? Like "right feeling" OCD? It's that. Anyway, his article about "doubting the doubting disease" I linked above is part of why I want to go to him because the obsessions related to therapy itself are, for some reason, a big obstacle for me, and it's nice to have someone who understands that.
  9. I emailed him to get on the waiting list, which is 6-8 weeks. I guess I can always change my mind later, but I just think if I don't go to anyone I'll sit around and do nothing, nothing will change.
  10. So, my OCD is pretty bad. I have this belief that I can work through it on my own by doing active exposures, but I have been trying to get myself started since January and basically have stopped and started. I keep telling myself that I'll start "on Monday," but basically Monday never comes either because I just don't feel like making myself anxious or because some new intrusive thought that will "contaminate" my actions pops up (that's my whole thing, my intrusive sexual thoughts contaminate what I'm doing, like reading a book, writing, taking notes, playing games, so I just avoid doing these things - my life's become constricted). However, I'd rather work on my own than go to a therapist. I just don't like going to therapists. I've been looking at some guy who's $250/session, that's a lot of money. I feel like it's not totally impossible that I work on my own, it's just unlikely. However, it's not guaranteed that going to a therapist would work either. I want to be free, but my OCD is so confusing and leads me down all these weird pathways, like now I'm obsessing about whether or not to go to a therapist! I'm telling myself that I'd try on my own until January, and THEN go to a therapist if I don't get anywhere, but why waste these months when I could start therapy and be better by January? sigh How do I get out of this kind of convoluted thinking and just take action? Even a post like this is so typical of my OCD. Throughout my post history are posts exactly like this, going back years. I have this kind of "problem-solver" mentality, so, the problem is "do I go to therapy now, or try self-help and then if that doesn't work go to therapy?" So I'll tell myself that I will sit down and try to work it all out, but because I have OCD it's hard to actually get anywhere. I think objectively the right decision would be to try therapy, subjectively, however, my experience with therapy has been negative because I have some kind of strange obsession with therapy itself. Actually, the guy I'm considering has written an article about this: https://www.drjordanlevy.com/newjersey-ocd-doubting-article For me, it's all that but also being in therapy feels "wrong" and I should do it on my own. I feel hopeless. Like, if I continue on this way, instead of taking action, there's no reason I won't be in the same place on August 20, 2020. My contamination OCD was just as bad on August 20, 2018, and all that's happened between then and now is I went to a residential treatment program. I didn't get any better as I was not consistent with the exposures they wanted me to do and I actually lied about my compliance.
  11. Lol, your profile picture is appropriate for this thread.
  12. I want to be done with my OCD. I will be 26 1/2 in September, I live at home with parents, don't have an income, college degree, not even a driver's license. All of this can be attributed to OCD and anxiety. I've realized living like this is not a choice anymore - if I want to have a real life, I have to have a plan of action (like, going to a therapist) and then execute that plan, remain dedicated to it, accept the possibility that it won't work, that the therapist is the wrong one, that I'm wasting time, and all that (because last time these kinds of obsessions hijacked the therapy). I always push things off until tomorrow. I need to start TODAY. I need to take steps to change my life TODAY. I feel like I always get motivated, ready to go, but then I will just crack under the weight of anxiety when not giving into compulsions. In my mind though this really is a life and death struggle. Anyway, as for my post title, I have this obsession from maybe a month and a half ago...warning, it's a bit gross and involves bodily fluids. Basically, I masturbated one night into underwear, and switched into shorts without underwear. Probably some semen leaked through to the front of these shorts. A few days later, I went out quick with the family and didn't have any clean shorts to switch into (the laundry piles up when I'm always wrapped up in OCD), so I put those on. While getting out of the car, the metal part of the seatbelt touched the front of these pants. I had meant to go out during the week and clean that part, but I never did, and eventually my mom sat in that seat (like 1 week later). She's sat in that seat multiple times now and I never cleaned it. Basically, I feel the need to confess because I feel like I've essentially had sexual contact and it's like assault because she doesn't know about it and it's non-consensual. I don't really want to say anything because it's awkward and gross but I just can't let it go. She knows I have OCD and I've confessed things like this before, so she'd probably be unfazed, but I just don't want to say anything. However, if I don't, it's possible I could still be worried about this months down the line.
  13. Probably what will happen if I confess is I'll feel a need to explain it more thoroughly and perfectly before I begin. This is what happened when I confessed about the other things. Alright, I think I'm going to give it a shot because I don't really have a choice at this point, I have to stop letting my OCD rule my life.
  14. So, in a little more than 4 weeks I'm going to another US state for a vacation, but I want to really use the time before this to do self-directed ERP. My issue is basically "mental contamination," where I'll get a sick thought, worry I enjoyed it, and then have to rethink the thought without any feelings of enjoyment to wipe away that dirtiness. If I don't do this and then read a chapter of a book, that chapter will be contaminated and I'll have to re-read it after going back and undoing the thought. So, my way forward is clear - I need to contaminate things and sit with the anxiety without undoing the contamination. A couple weeks ago, I put on pants that may have had some dried semen on the front, and when I was in the passenger seat of the car the metal part of the seatbelt brushed over my crotch, so I was worried semen got on it. I was going to clean it, but I never did, and a week later my mom sat in that seat. So I'm worried the metal part touched her skin or clothes, and essentially I had sexual contact with her. I feel the need to confess before I can start reading my book, because otherwise the book will be contaminated. Basically, I feel like if I start ERP without confessing to her first, it will be overwhelming and in order to not set myself up for failure I should first confess and then commence with ERP. Does that make sense? I'm worried that if I start ERP without confessing (which is a compulsion to "undo" in a sense) then the anxiety will be overwhelming and I will just cave into compulsions after a day or two. I don't really want to say anything about it though because it's ******* weird. However, I'm tired of wasting my life and just want to start and get 4 good weeks of contaminating stuff and sitting with the anxiety - I feel I have nothing to lose by doing this and everything to gain. But because this obsession involves "sexual contact" with my mother, if I forge ahead without confessing I will get horrible groinal response and what feel like "urges" to have sex with her, so for example will worry about standing in close proximity to her. I don't want to waste another day, so either I will confess or not today. Is it ever a good idea to give into a compulsion, especially when starting out?
  15. Is it really though? It seems like a legit concern.
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