Ryukil

Have a great Christmas everyone.

And then eventually, as I expose myself to these kind of things more and more without giving into the compulsion, they won't bother me as much and I will be able to concentrate better, as the strength of the obsessions reduces. Until eventually, hopefully, these types of obsessions (they're physical contamination obsessions - tough to focus on my work when I'm worried about something being "dirty") go away (or just greatly lessen in intensity).

While ignoring a compulsion, I can find it really difficult to concentrate on whatever it is I'm doing. To focus, I mean. If I'm reading something I may have to re-read many times to understand what I'm reading. Or I can't concentrate on my work. I think you guys know what I mean. So, I often give into the compulsion because I'm afraid I won't be able to get anything done / waste time. Any tips for this? I guess I just have to try and focus the best I can? Do the best I can? Accept that maybe I won't be working at 100%?

I feel like it's just part of my personality. Being inflexible, wanting to do things "RIGHT," and all that. For example, when studying languages, writing down every word I don't know. When writing for work, wanting to make sure I understand everything related to the topic, reading every line of articles about the topic. I suppose the answer is to just...probably purposely do things less "perfect."

I just wonder how much of this is down to a desire for flexibility being part of my personality.

If I commit to doing German every Wednesday, then abandon the plan because I feel intense anxiety...that's definitely an OCD compulsion, right?

By the way, are you invoking ACT with the values thing? Just curious. I don't know a lot about ACT but I like what I've seen. The main thing is ERP for me, but I feel like ACT can be helpful to remind someone WHY they're doing ERP (to live a better life in accordance with their values, etc.).

Yeah. Well what happened is on Thursday I said "I'm going to make tomorrow a writing day, Saturday a YouTube channel day, and Sunday a German day." But then it caused me a lot of anxiety to have this schedule / be committed to it, I had trouble concentrating and getting things done, so I threw it out to relieve the anxiety. Definitely a compulsion, right? If I'm doing something to get rid of anxiety. Forgetting about OCD, yeah, doesn't seem at all a bad idea to me to say "I'm going to study German intensely once a week, on Wednesday." But it would cause me anxiety to be committed to that. I don't know why, exactly. A person without OCD (or without this theme) should be able to set a schedule like that no problem. So, to me it would be an exposure to commit to and then stick with the once a week German thing. To not "cancel" it in order to relieve anxiety. I may try committing to that for a couple weeks or a month, or commit to setting a day or two to things like I did on Thursday night but then canceled because of anxiety. Or, I may put the idea on the shelf until I talk to therapist. But I don't have a lot of money right now, and this seems like such a stupid obsession to spend money working on, to be honest. It's so nonsensical/illogical.

For example, if I said "I'll study German every Wednesday" it would really freak me out, spike my anxiety. I would feel the need to get rid of that commitment. I'd rather just study German when I feel like it / have the time. But having a schedule like that isn't really a bad idea, is it? It might help me stay disciplined and improve my German faster. Should I commit to making every Wednesday a "German day" specifically because my OCD doesn't like it?

Yeah, I know what you mean. Thanks. It's just one of my obsessions that doesn't make too much sense. I'm not really going to engage with it or try to figure it out anymore. Just letting it go.

But if I were to say now "tomorrow I will focus on German, Monday on writing, and Tuesday on YouTube channel," and commit to that, it would cause tremendous anxiety. Then, the compulsion would be to throw out that plan, not commit to it. So committing to that schedule/plan would be an exposure.

Anyway I'm just not really engaging with it right now because I realize it's nonsense. Maybe at some point I will "set" a day or two for specific tasks like that and then ride out the anxiety (do an exposure) but for the minute I'm just letting it go. Cause it's a pain in the ass and I'm doing the stuff I want to do anyway. It really makes no sense. Anyway going to drop it here rather than spinning around with it in this thread or in my head. Probably a week from now I will be worried about something else, and I should probably resist posting a thread about it, because that's always been a compulsion for me, an attempt to "work it all out" but it rarely gets anywhere.

Probably I feared it was cause me anxiety, so it did. Something like that. Not sure if that makes sense but...there's something to it. I could see this idea causing no problems at some other point in my life, I would have been obsessing about something else. But I had the idea to do it, started worrying it would cause me anxiety, whatever, then it became an obsession and did. OCD is weird.

Do I HAVE to devote to something if my OCD doesn't want me to? I mean. If I commit to doing tomorrow, y Sunday, and z Monday, it makes my OCD freak out. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I just need to talk to my therapist about this and stop ruminating on it / trying to work it out all online. Or attempt to expose myself to the OCD if that's what I want to do (the committing to a schedule thing). But yeah I've wasted enough time on it (the whole day). But I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and the temptation will be there for me to work it all out with a "fresh" perspective.

Actually I don't like it. Maybe I just need a couple days' break, maybe I'm pushing myself too hard with trying to accomplish everything.

Yeah, this one really makes no sense at all. I think it's fine to "set days" like this. It makes sense, setting aside a day for say studying German, since that can entail a lot and I want to make sure I really get into it, not get bored and go off to some other task. It's just that right now, for whatever reason, my OCD doesn't like this. I'm going to set aside the next few days just to spite it. Maybe I'll discover I work better doing multiple things in a day, in which case...alright, just a few days where I wasn't working "optimally." That's always the fear, wasting time.

What do you guys think?

So...I work from home. I have a lot of free time, and a lot of hobbies and things I want to accomplish. For example, reading certain books, studying languages, creating a YouTube channel. Usually what I'd do is set a schedule for the next day, a list of things I want to get done. But I feel like, because I want to do so much, I can lose focus. For example, I might go weeks without studying German or French much, where really I want to keep those things fresh in my mind. You know, so I can learn and retain the information better. So, last night I figured I'd set today as a writing day, Saturday as a YouTube channel research day, Sunday as a German day. Seems fine. Not a bad idea to set certain days like this, where I prioritize certain things. But for some reason setting days like that causes me immense anxiety, to the point I can't concentrate. I really like to be "flexible," like maybe on the German day I won't want to do just German, I might want to do something else. So if I say, today is a writing day, tomorrow a YouTube day, and Sunday a German day, I feel anxiety and want to throw that plan out. The question is whether it's just my personality to not want a schedule like that, or this is OCD. All my obsessions come back to the fear of not being able to concentrate and not being able to get anything done. So when I have the plan "set," I have anxiety and difficulty concentrating and feel like I need to throw it out. Maybe I don't need to set out days far in advance, like I can just set for tomorrow rather than setting like, a whole week or something. Just setting tomorrow wouldn't cause me anxiety. And yeah, writing this out and thinking about it all I realize it's one of the stupidest obsessions I've ever had. Doesn't make too much sense. And if I need to I can talk to therapist about it at some point.

But which one should I do? Probably the expose myself aggressively one, right? But right now I'm not even worried about the glasses being straight or not, just which approach I should take, lol. I mean there's no case where doing exposures is wrong, I think. But I'm just way overcomplicating this and overthinking it. I probably shouldn't be posting here about it because it's all just ruminating/trying to figure it out.

I think I'm just making something out of nothing. It's I like I forgot the original point...that I was obsessing about the glasses...and am now obsessing about how to deal with it. Think I'm just going to sort of drop it and focus on other things.

Guess I just need to pick one of these and assume maybe it's the wrong option. Since that's the fear, that I'll pick the "wrong" thing. It usually always comes back to a fear of being unable to concentrate and get things done.

The third option would be to not make a choice. Not commit to specific exposures and not commit to...not doing specific exposures. Since deciding between the two has become an obsession.

So I've become fixated on the center piece of my glasses...the bridge between the two lenses that sits on your nose. I feel like it's crooked, and this is causing me to have a hard time concentrating. I can't really adjust it much though...it's hard to move since it's metal. Of course I realize this is an obsession. So I figured I should just say to myself..."Yes it isn't perfectly straight, oh well," stop looking at it to reassure myself it's straight, stop attempting to adjust it. But then I realized that might just bring more attention to it, and sometimes obsessions are more likely to go away for me if I just...yeah maybe I'll look at it and try to adjust it here and there but eventually I'll probably forget about it. It really depends. Does that make any sense? Like if I actively focus on it by actively exposing myself to it it'll make it stay longer, rather than if I just sort of let it go and adjust it here and there, I might forget about it. Basically the way to deal with this obsession has become an obsession.

Yes it can absolutely get better. My OCD is so much better than it was a few years ago, because I did exposure and response prevention. Exposure and response prevention can be very difficult, but you eventually get to the point where you say "screw this, I don't want to deal with this anymore" and you just do it. Trust me. Fred Penzel had a patient who said something like "I'm suffering anyway, might as well suffer with a purpose." When you face the OCD, you're suffering for a purpose - to eventually move past the obsession, or reduce it to the point where it's not bothering you much anymore. I'm guessing from your name and post you're new to OCD? I have tons of experience with it and others here will you tell you the same, ERP is the way to go.

It is a great video, PolarBear was the first to alert me to this problem of ruminating. Though I'm sure I still do it sometimes, it's definitely true that with OCD a lot of times weighing the pros and cons of something, constantly trying to "figure it out" won't get you anywhere. Better to just do your best to drop it, disengage, etc.