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Alyssa

Bulletin Board User
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About Alyssa

  • Birthday 01/03/1977

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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Female

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  1. I am very isolated with my ME, and having a friend for love and support, meant that I was able to cope. I really thought we would be friends forever, we had a really special connection. (We were internet friends). Because of my ME, I need to take breaks from the internet from time to time, and sadly I have been away a lot of the time, but I always come back, and he has been so nice and supportive and understanding. So also when I came back after a longer break last year. But right after i wrote that mail, I was going away somewhere without internet and I couldn`t stay in touch with him while I was there. I informed him about this before I left. That lasted for a month, and when I got home, I was exhausted, got a migraine and couldn`t be on the internet for another while. Then more things happened to make my life unbearable, and although I really needed a friend, I was not able to reach out. This has a lot to do with my OCD, if not all. The fact that I suffered in silence, felt completely alone in the world, and it got worse and worse, and I was too scared to talk to my friend ... Because of OCD. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that I would soon speak to him again. When I finally got back into my email, several months later, there was an email from him from months back, where he begged me to come back, he said he needed me more than ever, as he was really not in a good place. Of course I was crushed to see that he was having such a bad time and I failed to be there for him yet again. And for such stupid reasons, that I should have overcome a long time ago, so mad at myself for giving in to the OCD. I just never imagined it would mean losing my friend. I wanted to be there for him more than anything, I love him so much, and he means the world to me. I was just so stuck and paralysed with anxiety, and I had no idea he needed me. Thing is, he also said he wouldn`t wait for me forever, he has never said anything like that before. And I have written him several emails, where I have apologised prefusely, and tried to explain. I never imagined he would give up on me, we have talked about that before, and he has assured me, and things have just always been so good between us, it was unthinkable to me to lose that connection, and I thought he felt the same way. But the worst part is that I really worry about his well-being. That is I am almost certain he is not well at all. After that mail, and finding his social media accounts gone, especially the one he used every day to keep in touch with people, I really worry he is not alive. I`m so crushed I can`t even describe it in words. And to think I could have been there and made a difference, made him feel less alone, and prevented the worst from happening. I don`t know how to keep living without him and I don`t know how to live with myself knowing it`s all my fault.
  2. Thank you both. I have been really determined to get out of this for a long time now, but when it comes down to it, I get too scared. Not that I haven't tried, and I have done stuff, I challenge myself almost every day or just go do something without feeling secure at all about it, but it seems so small and way too little. Because I haven't really managed to get further. At least not in the "socializing" area. And that is what is causing me the most anxiety right now, and has been for a long time. PolarBear: I know what you mean about the rules. That it's just my head throwing all these things at me, and makes it all seem so important. It's quite incredible how a thought you have never had before, just can come in and take control like that. I'm trying to see it for what it is, but it feels so important, so I'm having a hard time just dismissing it. I know this is how it is though, and that it's not easy for anyone. I have been thinking about it, and made a list as you suggested, and I am definitely going to work on things. The anxiety to go back to socializing like I used to a year ago, is really high, even without the rules, but the reasons why I'm so scared, is uncertainty, fear that it will impact other things in my life in a bad way, fear of ruining things and stuff. Pretty much OCD reasons I would think. Connecting everything with each other, if I do that, then this other thing may get ruined and so on. I'm also not completely sure what I should do, because talking to people on the internet (which would be my way of socializing because I don't get out much due to bad physical health), isn't something that is required of me, so it's kind of easy for me to avoid it. And it causes so much stress for me, that it often seems tempting to just keep avoiding it. And I'm scared of the consequences if I don't. If I go back and start talking again. But again, that's probably just OCD fears. And I have learned that avoiding is a compulsion, so that would tell me that I need to stop avoiding and doing the things I'm scared of even if I don't know if it's the right thing to do. Thinking out loud here, correct me if I'm wrong Thanks again, your advice is highly appreciated.
  3. Everything in life is stressing me out, and I have been avoiding a lot of things for a long time. But I think and worry a lot, and I think maybe avoiding isn’t the best strategy. I just don’t know how to get back into things. I’m so scared, and I have all these thoughts that things have to be right and I have to do things in the right order. It’s just that having all these restrictions and limitations makes me so nervous and scared to do things the wrong way, and I get paralyzed and end up not doing anything at all. The main thing I have been avoiding the last year, is communication with others. I have been very isolated and not talking to anyone for many years, but two years ago, I joined a forum and got to know some people, whom I talked to on a regular basis. I never got to the point where I could talk to people without being nervous though, and that combined with a physical illness I have, which makes life very hard, the anxiety and exhaustion got too much last year, and I had to take a break from things. Which meant I stopped talking to people. And getting back out there proved to be way more difficult than I thought. When I don’t do things for a while, I always get scared of doing it again. All these anxieties shows up, and I get more and more scared, and now a year after, I’m still stuck. I feel scared and nervous most of the time, so scared of going back to talking to people, but at the same time thinking it might be just what I need. Maybe especially because I am so nervous about it. But then there's the order of things … That I have to do this first, and then I can go there, then I can talk to this person, then that person and so on. A set of rules that make me so scared and nervous. I did intend to do all of this stuff last year, but I guess because of these rules, I was too scared, and didn’t get anywhere. I’m just as scared now, but I want this anxiety to go away, and I think the only way to get out of it, might be to do all the things I’m scared of. I have a brain that tries to convince me that I am supposed to go through things alone and not talk to people, and I have lived that way most of my life, so it’s hard to convince myself otherwise. And I don’t really trust myself either. I don’t know how much sense I am making, I just feel like I need to do something, and I thought posting here might be a step in the right direction.
  4. Hi Jowsec1, Welcome to the forum! What a great post, not great that you're suffering, but you write really well, and you come across as a smart, insightful and kind person. I wish you the very best, and I really hope hypnotherapy works for you. I do understand your fears, the unknown is always scary, but you will still be you, just a freer, more relaxed version of yourself. I wish you the best of luck and a Happy New Year :original: Alyssa xxx
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