thistooshallpass1996

@mithrandir Thank you. I live close to home now and I did nearly go back there. I haven’t even showered since the move. My anxiety has been awful. upset stomach, feeling sick, etc I don’t know what the next step is. I feel like I can’t do it on my own but feel like I also need to try and do it on my own.

@McW ah thank you. I feel like I’m level headed most of the time but when I’m in an ocd state of anxiety I just can’t rationalise anything. but it’s like you said, contamination ocd is hard because there is some ‘risk’ and doubt about what’s the right way to do things. but the end goal is just to live my life as normally as possible. I know I have to use cleaners in my home to keep it hygienic. so it’s just dealing with my anxiety around that. Which is a daily battle at the moment.

@Kcbell92 if you read my posts recently I’ve struggled a lot with this. Ocd wants certainty more than anything else in the world. But you can’t have that. And you need to learn to be okay with it. things happen in life. But you can start small. Start by going to the shop by yourself. Then a walk by yourself. Then extend the time. Then go on a small trip by yourself. you don’t have to push yourself too far, any progress is good progress

@Clicketyclack Thank you! I was working today so keeping myself busy again. It hasn’t been a bad day, I’d go as far as to say another good day. I hope yours is also going well! feel free to message me if you ever want to talk.

@Clicketyclack thank you! I love the idea of that. I’m going to try and do it every day. I did A and C, but maybe E can be the fact that I felt accomplished after coming back home and I could sit watching something I enjoy, knowing I have nothing else to do until tomorrow. Fresh laundry has to be the best smell in the world. Nothing better than showering and getting into bed with nice clean sheets. I did put some washing on yesterday but I left it in the washing machine because I didn’t want to deal with it. Past me was feeling motivated but present me wasn’t.

@Clicketyclack Sometimes the situation just calls for it I’m doing better today though thank you. I spoke to my friends/family to make sure I stay connected to the world. I went somewhere by myself today and spoke up for myself. I’m doing it a lot as exposure. it’s terrifying for me but I’m hoping it gets easier with time.

Thank you @Clicketyclack That’s true! it does make it a lot easier and takes a lot less effort to just grab a packet of cooked chicken and put it on a tortilla wrap. easy and healthy. I’m trying to give my body what it needs. it’s better than eating a chocolate bar for dinner. Which I think everyone has done before at one point in their lives.

@Angst Glad I’m not alone

I know, thank you. @Handy my ocd is loving every second of this. I’ve gained my appetite back a bit so I did an online shop last night. I ordered some good things, like chicken breast, fruit, granola, etc. I don’t have the energy to cook or food prep so I just bought chicken that was already cooked and fruit that was already washed and packed. it’s not ideal but it’s a start.

@Clicketyclack Thank you. this means a lot. today is a new day

@malina thank you so much. I think my ocd just makes me feel like I could’ve done more. I could’ve said more. we all know how ocd has its own ways of making us feel 100x worse than we would without it. but I’m settling down for the night. I’m going to get myself ready for bed and go to sleep. Overthinking in itself is exhausting.

@daja That has never bothered me. Which is so ironic when I have so many other issues with contamination. I’ll happily lay on my bed in clothes I’ve worn all day but I’ll wash my hands immediately if I think I’ve touched a contaminated door handle. Weird how the mind works. It’s always interesting to hear other people’s ocd themes and compulsions because they’re all so different. my hair yeah that’s an issue I have to deal with in time. But maybe not right now. I think I’ve been catostrophising (if that’s the word?) again. ‘And being alone can be good - you have to like your own company. Being lonely is different.’ i fully agree. Being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. But I do feel lonely at the moment. I’m hoping it’ll get better with time and I’ll see it the same way as you as I get more used to my own company.

@snowbear thank you again. I think this may have been a genuine risk which obviously enforced my ocd to think ‘this is bad, need to be even more cautious’. The back story with my hair is that I would dye it/bleach it myself when I was younger. One day I took it too far and I couldn’t reverse the damage. I had to let my hair repair itself and it was never the same. So I knew how fragile my hair was and so I do feel responsible for what happened. but a lot of time has passed so I would’ve thought my hair would’ve repaired itself by now. So I try and live normally (I’ll still avoid certain things like swimming pools, sea etc) but I thought going to the dentist is a normal thing. How can treatment for teeth = hair loss? I tried to weigh up the likeliness. But now I know how going to the dentist is going to affect me, I’m too anxious to go back. But they’ve told me I need to go get some fillings. I spoke to the dentist after it happened and she said they won’t treat me anymore until I’ve been to a dermatologist. maybe if I’m that worried I could wear a hat or something next time I go? I know it sounds drastic but I can’t never go to the dentist again. but you’re right I need to let it go now. I can’t let a bad experience define me but I just need to make sure I learn from it this time. ‘Yay Focus on the positives and keep taking these small steps in the right direction’ thank you I’ve also got my dog this weekend (sharing with my ex) so she’s good exposure. I’m going to walk her tomorrow morning.

@malina i just keep telling myself what’s done is done. I went there, I did it to myself again. I can’t lose my hair at 28, it’ll tip me over the edge. I’m not in a good place and I just wouldn’t be able to handle that on top of everything else. Thank you for taking the time to write this and read through my previous posts this week though. - break up - potential hair loss - have to move out my home - alone - ocd Honestly I don’t know how I’m still here. but I did fill out a form. I even put sensitive skin on it. I was worried about my teeth and when I’m going through something traumatic I try to fix everything. I rang the dentist back after and she told me it was just tooth paste and water. But I’ve had previous damage to my hair so it’s really fragile. when I showered after I had the treatment done and looked at myself in the mirror I was nearly physically sick. I felt my hair and it felt thinner. I just thought why the hell would I let them do that to me when this has already happened twice? It was a different treatment so I thought it would be fine. I’m scared to do anything else in case it makes my hair fall out more. And I’m not saying I’m bald or noticeably thinning to anyone else but I notice it myself. And that’s enough. I just feel like if I shave it off and wear a wig I’ll be better off because I’ll have nothing to worry about anymore. But then I don’t want to struggle when dating etc when I’m ready to meet someone new. but then I need to remember my value isn’t based on men. I just want to leave my job and spend the next couple of months getting better. But I can’t financially afford to.

Thank you for this @welshgirl dry shampoo is a life saver but I have really sensitive skin. I’ve damaged my hair in the past because of impulsive decisions and so I’m paying for it now. i did manage to put a wash on and the dishwasher so small steps. @Clicketyclack I think that’s the issue. My brain is in survival mode and my anxiety is high so I’m just trying to do anything and everything to feel better. And I made the wrong choice for myself the other day when I went to the dentist by myself which I’m still angry at myself for. I had an allergic reaction and I didn’t say anything. I didn’t realise it was happening until I got home and my hair looked thinner. But I know that could’ve also been caused by stress. I haven’t left the house all day but I did get dressed and do my makeup. Then washed some towels to put in the drier ready for tonight so I can shower. I need to stop trying to do every thing at once before I ruin my life even more.

This is mostly for me to read back later because I’m going to an appointment later by myself. After what happened at the dentist a few days ago and the reaction/anxiety I felt, I’ve thought about how I can learn from it. if I’m not comfortable with something, I can just tell them to stop. I can tell them if I have any concerns or allergies. Or they should be asking me. I don’t have to put myself in an unsafe situation. I need to be okay with the fact something may go wrong or it also may not. I can’t always be certain. wish me luck

Does anyone have any self care tips? Personal hygiene when it’s too difficult to shower, how to do the weekly food shop when you’re too tired to go into an actual store, just things that help in every day life. also does anyone else struggle with speaking up for themselves in social situations? I feel like I can’t look after myself. And I’ve got to learn how to before I put myself in a bad situation because I didn’t speak up or protect myself.

@Marko2020 i hope you don’t mind but I actually tried to message you directly. it wouldn’t let me send you a message.

you have no idea how much that means

I just wanted to ask if anyone would be willing to talk to me if I’m really struggling. I really need a support system. I know there’s Samaritans but sometimes I think it helps having someone who understands because they’ve been through or are going through similar. Please feel free to drop me a message directly and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.

@Marko2020 your replies along with everyone else’s are getting me through everything so thank you. i think I might have body dysmorphia. I constantly check my hair for any changes. I get told I have nice hair but it’s one of my insecurities. I damaged it a lot when I was younger. I wish I could go back in time but what’s done is done. now I’m even more scared of being by myself because I clearly do make the wrong decisions. I think my brain has reached its capacity for stress. I’m convinced I’d be much better off if I wasn’t here. but I have to keep trying. It’s just so hard.

@Garfield No you’re right, I’ve stopped talking to him or anyone else. I’ve come off the dating app. I’m just not in a good enough place. It helps knowing that you’ve been through similar experiences because I felt awful. I still do but the anxiety is slowly going back down. I’m going to distract myself in better ways. Like @Marko2020 has said. I can come here and speak to everyone on here. It’s the only safe space I have in my life at the moment. I actually cry when I read your responses because they’re just so kind. Thank you for listening to me. @deValentin @Marko2020 @Garfield

I just feel like I can’t do this anymore. Things are just getting worse. if you’ve seen my last post you know how bad it is for me. Things keep happening one after another. I don’t know how to get through it. I went to the dentist earlier by myself (I would usually have my partner) and last time I went I had a reaction to something they were using. turns out it was sodium bicarbonate. My skin didn’t agree, it was spraying everywhere. I’m pretty sure it even thinned my hair out a bit. I was terrifying of going again let alone by myself So I went again and filled out a form to say I have an allergy to it. I went again today for a check / regular clean and told them how nervous I was. The dentist said it’s fine and I can stop whenever. They started spraying something in my mouth but they told me it was water. I could taste it and it tasted like it had something else in it. It was spraying everywhere again like the time before. I tried not to over react because a lot of people get their teeth cleaned and so I let them finish the procedure. It was over in like 5 minutes but after I thought I should’ve said something. Why didn’t I say something when it was spraying everywhere. What if it was the same thing. Why didn’t I learn from the last time. Maybe if I had said something they could’ve protected my skin/hair. i got home 10 minutes later and got in the shower to wash anything off me. it must’ve got in my hair because my head is stinging. But then I don’t know if that’s the ocd or worrying. when I got back, my hair looked thinner. I could’ve avoided it and I didn’t. I just let it happen to me. Again. I can’t even protect myself. I’ve had enough. going through a break up and then might be losing my hair over something I could’ve avoided. I can’t even look in a mirror. there’s only so much I can take.

I’m sorry for posting again. I don’t really know how anyone can help me. I think I just need to process my emotions. I feel like I’m drowning. This next chapter is so scary. Everything that was familiar is gone. it’s been a month since my 4 year relationship ended. I have good days and bad days today is a bad day. when I feel isolated or alone, I look for other connections. I’ll speak to other guys to make myself feel better but it’s only a temporary fix. basically I won’t go into too much detail but I was speaking to a guy last night and it started getting s*xual. At the time I felt okay about it. I’m not doing it to get over the break up, I was doing it because I felt alone. And I just thought well I’m single, I can do what I want. But I’ve realised that’s probably the worst reason. And just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should. now I still feel alone but now I also feel worthless. On top of that the guy I was doing this with seemed like a nice person. We would’ve got along if I was in a better place but now there’s probably no chance of that in the future because I’ve shown him I have no self respect. I feel like I let a complete stranger use me. I’m trying to tell myself I’m only human trying to get through a really hard time in my life. Probably the hardest time of my life. but I’m self sabotaging again. I don’t like meaningless relationships. I’m the type of person that if we did sleep together or the conversation went that way, that I’d be in a safe committed relationship with that person first. I feel guilty and disgusting. I know a lot of men and women sleep with other people after a break up to help themselves get over it but that has always made my anxiety so much worse. And my ocd is playing a part in that. how do I be happy by myself? I don’t like going out drinking. I have a small family who currently live 40 minutes away. I feel so isolated. All I have is work and I’m working from home because my social anxiety is so bad I can’t face anyone in my office. I know everyone says ‘be happy by yourself first’. How do I do that if I don’t like who I currently am? I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I just want to feel better.

@snowbear thank you I distracted myself and my anxiety did eventually go down. Hopefully the next time I clean it’ll be easier.