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Oceanblue

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  1. Oceanblue

    What Should I Do?

    I can see some of your logic here but surely to forgive myself means accepting that these intrusive thoughts are true instead of treating it as OCD?
  2. Oceanblue

    What Should I Do?

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart Polar Bear and njb,your replies mean a lot to me. Polar Bear when you say that I am setting myself up for failure by saying that some things are unforgivable it scares me cause it’s making me think I have to accept the thoughts or the idea that they may be true and I just could never be comfortable with this. The intrusive thoughts started out as probably about a 3 on a scale of 1-10 going by how extreme and now they’re def a 10 or above. Nothing is now too extreme for my mind to accuse me of so accepting them as even remotely true would be mind shattering for me. Ironically its only the most horrifying thoughts that sicken me and I think are most terrible that stick. To talk myself into thinking these things are not unforgivable to me alludes to a sign of guilt which I think wil have a negative effect. Because as I said due to the extremities of the thoughts I could never be humanly comfortable with this as I’m sure any decent human wouldn’t. I agree that if I wasn’t so horrified by certain thoughts I wouldn’t have a problem but I could never be content with thinking they may be true,forgiving myself and moving on. It would just be totally out of the question. Plus when I tried to do this with less extreme thoughts in the past and succeeded they were just replaced by the more extreme ones. It’s just like the ocd is never satisfied unless my mind is in a state of panic or fear and will up the ante until I get to this stage.
  3. Oceanblue

    What Should I Do?

    Anyone?
  4. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    Thank you so much Polar Bear when you put it like this your advice makes so much sense but whilst I was trying to figure it all out I couldn’t see it. But as you correctly pointed out this was a compulsion. The mental dialogue has become more scary in recent days and just really feels like only what I can describe as an unrelenting bully that won’t loosen its grip on me. (See new thread) But I guess this is just OCD getting stronger because I have been feeling it exactly what it wants ‘fear,time and rumination’? Thnak you again so much Polar Bear. I am always so grateful for your words of wisdom.
  5. Oceanblue

    What Should I Do?

    To clarify,it also happens when my partner touches my stomach as well. @PolarBear do you think you could help me with this, does the last advice you gave me from in last post still apply. I’m so worried and afraid of this new mental dialogue.
  6. Oceanblue

    What Should I Do?

    I’m sorry @helen10937,I’m not quite sure what you mean?
  7. Hi everyone, I’ve been doing really well over the past 6 weeks after a really severe time with OCD false memory and intrusive thoughts. This has come about by myself not taking these scary ‘what if?’ thoughts so seriously and realising that it all really is just my mind misfiring/OCD. However,recently the negative mental dialogue has switched format and it’s now stating horrible statements that I really don’t want it to state if that makes sense. Also if I’m having a bad day stress wise and am worrying about the OCD coming back it seems to ironically trigger it . For example if I even touch my stomach absent -mindedly the negative,sinister mental dialogue will start by saying ‘I bet you wish it was ‘x’ touching your stomach like that time from years ago (insert subject of recent diabolical false memory which would be completely heinous and unforgivable if true) when you did x,y and z (x,y and z being the worst possible acts/crimes my mind can possibly think of) As a result of the mental dialogue switching format as if recent intrusive thought is fact and is the past tense it has really unnerved me and made it much more difficult for me to shake off. I’ve read that if you succeed in resisting your usual OCD mental pattern the mind may up the ante in order to get you to react cause it’s become so used to the high levels of anxiety so the rational side of me is reasoning that this is OCD switching tactics to get me to react however it really has made me feel sick to my stomach and ridiculously panicky that maybe it’s my mind telling me there’s some truth to these intrusive thoughts despite how extreme they may be. For example this particular intrusive thought would have meant I would have had to have been in a different country years ago in order for it to have been true even though i would have had no passport or even driving licence at the time. However anyone who has had OCD will know that it always find loopholes to make what would seem impossible to many possible. I am so terrified this latest theme is going to undo my recovery and set me back to square one again but at the moment all I have is fear of my own mental dialogue. What should I do? Does this sound familiar to anyone? Please help!
  8. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    Hi everyone,haven’t been on here in a while because I’ve been focusing on my recovery and getting my old self back again without asking for constant reassurance. I have been doing well and feeling more and more like my old self again. However if I’m tired or my defences are down the old negative mental dialogue can start to take hold again. It’s changed from how it used to be and morphed into only what I can describe as like a form of touerette’s only it’s all in my mind. Meaning my mental dialogue will start stating things I really don’t want it to. For example if I hear a song that brings me back to when I was younger the anxiety will rise and the mental dialogue will state ‘This reminds you of when you were younger and when you did x,y and z (insert terrible crimes which have become intrusive thoughts/false memories over the past 2 years) I’m figuring that this is then OCD manifesting itself in a new format as I’m no longer paying attention to its usual tricks? When this negative mental dialogue first started it scared the daylights out of me as I feared it meant something but it occurs more frequently on days when I’m stressed. It has however become more frequent and bothersome and it still has the power to knock me off my feet and make me afraid.
  9. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    Thank you so much Polar Bear. You have been an absolute beacon of light for me throughout this!
  10. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    So..it’s just OCD trying to get me to react to it by throwing in new manifestations and I need to stop reacting with fear and resorting to compulsions! Have I got it right Polar Bear?
  11. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    I didn’t ruminate on trying to figure out if the thought is true or not via memory checking etc because I know that this gets me nowhere but I did panic massively because this mental dialogue is new and menacing to me. I just need to know that this disorder has the potential to play mind tricks on an anxious mind in this way and it doesn’t mean thought is true so that I can label it as OCD just upping the ante and continue on my path of recovery. However if this does not sound like a symptom of OCD I need to know this too as all my life I’ve just wanted to be a good person and I have done these terrible things then i truly don’t deserve any happiness.
  12. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    Do you definitely think that’s what it was Polar? That I was being tripped up by OCD again? I know this is me asking for reassurance but if I know this is definitely OCD I can label it as such and work on my recovery.
  13. Oceanblue

    I Can’t Get Free From This

    Thanks Isthisreality. That advice helped me a lot and I thought i had been doing reasonably well and was even getting on top of it until I heard a song on the radio this morning that had some sexual lyrics. Just then my mind began to feel anxious and I knew it was going to throw an intrusive thought my way but I was begging it not to but of course this just made things worse. It was as if there was a taunting voice in my mind saying ‘I bet this is reminding you of that time you did x,y and z (insert terrible things) to x (subject of a recent intrusive/false memory thought) This scares me as I haven’t really experienced this kind of mental dialogue whereby I get sinister thoughts taunting me and making statements in my mind as if intrusive thought is a fact and has already happened. Thai is scaring me as the intrusive thoughts are totally abominable and not in line with me or who I would ever want to be. Is this just OCD manifesting itself in my mind in another guise as I’m now not paying attention to its usual manifestations? Or should I be taking this seriously? Please help ?
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