Oceanblue

I can see some of your logic here but surely to forgive myself means accepting that these intrusive thoughts are true instead of treating it as OCD?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Polar Bear and njb,your replies mean a lot to me. Polar Bear when you say that I am setting myself up for failure by saying that some things are unforgivable it scares me cause it’s making me think I have to accept the thoughts or the idea that they may be true and I just could never be comfortable with this. The intrusive thoughts started out as probably about a 3 on a scale of 1-10 going by how extreme and now they’re def a 10 or above. Nothing is now too extreme for my mind to accuse me of so accepting them as even remotely true would be mind shattering for me. Ironically its only the most horrifying thoughts that sicken me and I think are most terrible that stick. To talk myself into thinking these things are not unforgivable to me alludes to a sign of guilt which I think wil have a negative effect. Because as I said due to the extremities of the thoughts I could never be humanly comfortable with this as I’m sure any decent human wouldn’t. I agree that if I wasn’t so horrified by certain thoughts I wouldn’t have a problem but I could never be content with thinking they may be true,forgiving myself and moving on. It would just be totally out of the question. Plus when I tried to do this with less extreme thoughts in the past and succeeded they were just replaced by the more extreme ones. It’s just like the ocd is never satisfied unless my mind is in a state of panic or fear and will up the ante until I get to this stage.

Anyone?

Thank you so much Polar Bear when you put it like this your advice makes so much sense but whilst I was trying to figure it all out I couldn’t see it. But as you correctly pointed out this was a compulsion. The mental dialogue has become more scary in recent days and just really feels like only what I can describe as an unrelenting bully that won’t loosen its grip on me. (See new thread) But I guess this is just OCD getting stronger because I have been feeling it exactly what it wants ‘fear,time and rumination’? Thnak you again so much Polar Bear. I am always so grateful for your words of wisdom.

To clarify,it also happens when my partner touches my stomach as well. @PolarBear do you think you could help me with this, does the last advice you gave me from in last post still apply. I’m so worried and afraid of this new mental dialogue.

I’m sorry @helen10937,I’m not quite sure what you mean?

Hi everyone, I’ve been doing really well over the past 6 weeks after a really severe time with OCD false memory and intrusive thoughts. This has come about by myself not taking these scary ‘what if?’ thoughts so seriously and realising that it all really is just my mind misfiring/OCD. However,recently the negative mental dialogue has switched format and it’s now stating horrible statements that I really don’t want it to state if that makes sense. Also if I’m having a bad day stress wise and am worrying about the OCD coming back it seems to ironically trigger it . For example if I even touch my stomach absent -mindedly the negative,sinister mental dialogue will start by saying ‘I bet you wish it was ‘x’ touching your stomach like that time from years ago (insert subject of recent diabolical false memory which would be completely heinous and unforgivable if true) when you did x,y and z (x,y and z being the worst possible acts/crimes my mind can possibly think of) As a result of the mental dialogue switching format as if recent intrusive thought is fact and is the past tense it has really unnerved me and made it much more difficult for me to shake off. I’ve read that if you succeed in resisting your usual OCD mental pattern the mind may up the ante in order to get you to react cause it’s become so used to the high levels of anxiety so the rational side of me is reasoning that this is OCD switching tactics to get me to react however it really has made me feel sick to my stomach and ridiculously panicky that maybe it’s my mind telling me there’s some truth to these intrusive thoughts despite how extreme they may be. For example this particular intrusive thought would have meant I would have had to have been in a different country years ago in order for it to have been true even though i would have had no passport or even driving licence at the time. However anyone who has had OCD will know that it always find loopholes to make what would seem impossible to many possible. I am so terrified this latest theme is going to undo my recovery and set me back to square one again but at the moment all I have is fear of my own mental dialogue. What should I do? Does this sound familiar to anyone? Please help!

Anyone? ?

Hi everyone,haven’t been on here in a while because I’ve been focusing on my recovery and getting my old self back again without asking for constant reassurance. I have been doing well and feeling more and more like my old self again. However if I’m tired or my defences are down the old negative mental dialogue can start to take hold again. It’s changed from how it used to be and morphed into only what I can describe as like a form of touerette’s only it’s all in my mind. Meaning my mental dialogue will start stating things I really don’t want it to. For example if I hear a song that brings me back to when I was younger the anxiety will rise and the mental dialogue will state ‘This reminds you of when you were younger and when you did x,y and z (insert terrible crimes which have become intrusive thoughts/false memories over the past 2 years) I’m figuring that this is then OCD manifesting itself in a new format as I’m no longer paying attention to its usual tricks? When this negative mental dialogue first started it scared the daylights out of me as I feared it meant something but it occurs more frequently on days when I’m stressed. It has however become more frequent and bothersome and it still has the power to knock me off my feet and make me afraid.

Thank you so much Polar Bear. You have been an absolute beacon of light for me throughout this!

So..it’s just OCD trying to get me to react to it by throwing in new manifestations and I need to stop reacting with fear and resorting to compulsions! Have I got it right Polar Bear?

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I didn’t ruminate on trying to figure out if the thought is true or not via memory checking etc because I know that this gets me nowhere but I did panic massively because this mental dialogue is new and menacing to me. I just need to know that this disorder has the potential to play mind tricks on an anxious mind in this way and it doesn’t mean thought is true so that I can label it as OCD just upping the ante and continue on my path of recovery. However if this does not sound like a symptom of OCD I need to know this too as all my life I’ve just wanted to be a good person and I have done these terrible things then i truly don’t deserve any happiness.

Do you definitely think that’s what it was Polar? That I was being tripped up by OCD again? I know this is me asking for reassurance but if I know this is definitely OCD I can label it as such and work on my recovery.

Thanks Isthisreality. That advice helped me a lot and I thought i had been doing reasonably well and was even getting on top of it until I heard a song on the radio this morning that had some sexual lyrics. Just then my mind began to feel anxious and I knew it was going to throw an intrusive thought my way but I was begging it not to but of course this just made things worse. It was as if there was a taunting voice in my mind saying ‘I bet this is reminding you of that time you did x,y and z (insert terrible things) to x (subject of a recent intrusive/false memory thought) This scares me as I haven’t really experienced this kind of mental dialogue whereby I get sinister thoughts taunting me and making statements in my mind as if intrusive thought is a fact and has already happened. Thai is scaring me as the intrusive thoughts are totally abominable and not in line with me or who I would ever want to be. Is this just OCD manifesting itself in my mind in another guise as I’m now not paying attention to its usual manifestations? Or should I be taking this seriously? Please help ?

I’m sorry for the ramble guys but I just felt like I needed to vent to people who know the nature of OCD. It’s basically like every time I think I’m starting to make progress my mind will send new conspiracy theories and question everything to make it seem like I’ve done these terrible things and I get so panicked and confused trying to satisfy the doubts.

I know it’s my own fault for buying into it but my mind is just so scary to me since this monster of a disorder started taking hold. It’s developed and worsened so much from that initial starting point. Its like I can literally attach myself as being the culprit to everything and anything no matter how sinister or extreme . When I think about it more and how I could possibly have done these things I imagine myself doing whatever terrible thing it is and then details are added and I can see it happening in my head,cementing the believability in my mind. It’s like a wave of dread and panic washes over me. Just now I said to my mind ‘ok so can you imagine doing that and I try to think of the worst case scenario in the hope my mind will deem it as totally false’ but when I get the disgusting images in my head,I can see it and it actually traumatises me. Then when this happens I struggle between knowing what’s a memory and what’s my imagaination and my mind playing tricks on me. My therapist said that whenever I initially get a thought like ‘omg what if I did that’ it is vital that I recognise it as OCD from the offset and don’t give it any air time. The problem is whenever I’ve already missed this stage and am now having horrible fear thoughts as a result. Do I go to Police and tell them my fear thoughts? The thoughts chop and change like crazy regarding crime stories atm from local news crime to world news crime. Even if an unresolved crime or disapprearance happened years ago in another country before I could even drive or had a passport,I’ll wonder if I got the boat and don’t remember etc and imagine doing x,y and z and traumatise myself between the terrorising fear that I have some kind of psychotic disorder or maybe deep down I have an evil side and it’s possibly a memory trying to get through?

I apologise Polar,I know I must sound contrary but that’s how it feels as the thoughts are just so awful and make me feel so terrible about myself. But I appreciate what you are saying. I guess it’s just the nature of OCD to do this to us?

I know you’re right but it feels as if my mind is literally turning against me and trying to confirm that I am this terrible person. Recently a child came into our workplace and my anxiety increased and I got these horrible thoughts and one particularly bad one which stated something which only a sicko would ever think and has repulsed me since. It’s as if I have Tourette’s of the mind sometimes and my mind says things that I don’t agree with but the more fear I feel that I’m going to think some of these horrible things or have a disgusting mental dialogue then the more likely it is to happen and it’s crippling me every time. I feel so broken by this. I feel like if I read somewhere that it’s ok to have horrible thoughts as they don’t mean anything and are just a symptom of OCD or if my therapist tells me that it’s ok and doesn’t mean I am a bad person I’ll still feel bad because I’ll think that if they really knew what my exact thought was they’d be as repulsed by myself as I am. The more I try to not think terrible thoughts the worse they get. It’s a vicious circle. But when I tell myself not to pay attention to the thoughts I feel like a bad person with no morality which I never want to be but then the more I think about the horrible thoughts the more anxious and disgusted with myself I get. I just feel so stuck.

Thank you so much Polar Bear,I appreciate your informed advice so,so much. Unfortunately I woke up in a bit of a state this morning as when I was in the process of waking up I think I had this thought or internal voice that said ‘report some fake incidents first’. To clarify,last night before I went to sleep I thought about what would happen if I reported my fear thoughts to the police and that maybe this was the only way to be 100% sure that there’s no truth to them and it’s just all OCD. So therefore I think that this mental thought whilst I was not fully awake was as a result of the internal debate I had the night before. So basically I’m now thinking that the thought was to report fake incidents before confessing my current fear thought. However it terrifies me as I think it would be a disgrace for anyone to knowingly report fake incidents and also only someone who had something to hide would deliberately do this. Or maybe my mind sent me this thought to do this to be sure that the police would know I have OCD. However the thing that scares me the most is that this possibly indicates another sign of guilt and that fear thought is true. Albeit I was not fully awake at the time but what am I supposed to do when my mind keeps sending me these nasty thoughts Polar Beatlr? Is it still ok to dismiss them as junk? Is it normal for the mind to send such thoughts as if a fear is true during a severe OCD episode? Sorry for all the questions

Thanks Polar Bear. I think leaving things alone is key for me as every time my anxiety is triggered I feel like I have to reason with myself as to why and try to make sense of it. Problem with that is that whenever I’m going through a bad episode like now,the smallest thing causes my anxiety to soar. For example,earlier whilst looking up the TV guide I seen that a reality show about a cop bodycam squad was coming on and my anxiety started to rise. I wondered why and figured it was because my current theme is linking myself to crime stories so that was why. But then there’s that tormenting voice in my head that says maybe it’s a sign of guilt. It’s just so hard when i’m feeling so wrecked with anxiety as my mind seems to acknowledge everything as a source of anxiety to support my intrusive fear thoughts and keep them going. How do I ignore these feelings and thoughts when they are so frequent and strong?

Sorry efes I am just noticing your question and yes some episodes can be definitely a week long or longer. I’ve had some that have lasted months. Hope you feel better soon.

Also i just thought about the sore finger again and my mental dialogue was ‘What if the night I did that terrible thing I came home with a pain in my finger like this’ Then I freaked out cause ‘the night I did..’ sounds like I definitely did it but then I remembered that it started with ‘What if’ but then I worry if in that split second moment my mental dialogue definitely did say ‘What if’ at the beginning? It’s just so tiring and I know I’m being frustrating and annoying with this but I just badly need some advice right now.

I know. My mind’s just a mess at the moment. For example I’m even starting to link up the most innane of things. For example if I have a sore finger..I’ll get anxiety and think does this seem familiar from years ago. Maybe I had a sore finger after doing that terrible thing that I’m currently obsessing over and my anxiety levels will start soaring. It’s almost as if anything and everything has the potential to trigger me at the moment or be a link back to my fear thoughts.

Yes I think I can relate to this as the more I think about something and try to reason with myself as to how it couldn’t be true,it gives the whole thing more energy. I guess this was giving it mental energy and therefore ruminating?