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Everything posted by Chelsie

  1. I always worry about this too and this is what makes my handwashing take so long. I'm working hard to stop thinking about it.
  2. I will do it - no more compulsions. Out for dinner and I will enjoy myself (and not drive anyone mad with my irrational behaviour!)
  3. I've resisted pretty well after the initial cleaning of phone, charger and radiator! Have to go out in the car in a mo - so that the real test. Keep telling myself that I've touched everything so there's no point avoiding just a few things.
  4. Yes Polar Bear, you're right. The fact that there are so many things I could clean is helping - if I can't do everything, somehow it's easier to do nothing.
  5. I've had a similar therapist in the past but maybe this time you'll get someone better. If you don't get on with the health visitor, why not try phoning the midwife - she might be willing to help and,in my experience,they are excellent. There should also be someone on call 24/7 too, so if you're feeling desperate they may be the best people to call.
  6. How old is your daughter? Are you still under the midwife? She might be more sympathetic than the gp. They are meant to be alert to signs of pnd
  7. Very true - I need to hold on to this
  8. First aid training involves telling you to wear gloves and make sure blood spills are cleared up appropriately etc. I'm a bit of a rule follower, I guess. I take instructions to heart! I realise that I catastrophise, though. Once you've done it, it's so hard to undo! Another worry I have is about blood on door handles - especially if someone comes into or leaves a room to go and get first aid (so there is s real chance they have blood on their hands). I have a real problem with this and want to go round wiping all door handles with anti bac - find myself trying to hold handles in places others are unlikely to have held them.
  9. Thanks for being a cheerleader, Jessie! I'm keeping as strong as I can!
  10. You're absolutely right, Taurean. The main problem is that the core belief is based on some fact. My first aid training tells me that there is potential danger of contagion from blood. It's not a belief that I can just dismiss. I need to adjust my thinking though, I realise that.
  11. Thanks Taurean - you're a voice of reason. I am sitting here and feeling the anxiety reducing. Really trying to reframe this into an opportunity. There is absolutely no way I can track back over everything I have come into contact with, so there's little point cleaning random things. I wiped my phone and charger and the radiator in a bit of a frenzy earlier, but I made myself stop after that. I've slipped back into my (thoroughly contaminated) bed and am reading my book as a distraction. I will do my best to make the most of this opportunity - warrior not worrier. it's not easy, though
  12. Had such a lovely time at the part, kittypurry and reconnected with some old school friends I hadn't seen for ages. Felt quite relaxed and it was such a good distraction. Almost felt like a normal human being for a while. The other good thing was that members of my family were there and saw me happy and having a good time. They really worry about me so thIs was good for them. However, had a disaster today (see my recent post). Can't believe I can go from positive to negative so quickly. All the good seems undone. Makes me realise how fragile my little successes are and how much work I have to do to combat this.
  13. Feel the need of some support - I'm so sorry as haven't done a post like this for a few days and was trying so hard to only post positives. Those of you used to my posts will know about my contamination issues regarding blood. I have reason to believe that there was some blood on the floor somewhere about 5 1/2 weeks ago and, whilst I didn't walk where it was, others did. I feel that they spread the contamination on their shoes to other parts of the building where I regularly walk and that the contamination spread to my shoes and then from there to my car, my house, my family's houses etc. I find laundry very difficult as the dirty washing feels contaminated. This has meant that my washing pile has grown and spread from the laundry basket to my bedroom floor. As it has been on the floor, it is doubly contaminated as it has been where feet/shoes have been. I always take my shoes off at the door but my daughter often walks upstairs in hers and into my room - I ask her not to but also try not to make a big deal about it as don't want my OCD issues to affect her more than I can help it. Yesterday I did a load of washing. As usual, before unloading it when it was finished I cleaned the seal etc with antibacterial wipes in case the dirty washing had touched there on its way into the machine. Most of the washing went into the tumble drier but the things I wanted to wear to go out that evening and a few bits for today I put on the radiators as the tumble dried is being temperamental at the moment. Got dressed in clothes from the radiator and went out to a party last night etc. This morning I sorted out the washing on the radiator and fiddled around with the tumble drier to get it going etc. Then disaster struck - when I went to put on a new load of washing I noticed that I had not put the container of washing liquid into the previous wash the day before. This means that the clothes I wore last night, the stuff that was in the tumble drier all night, the stuff that was laying on all the radiators etc was washed without any soap. Everything in the house now feels contaminated. Obviously I touched all this washing and actually wore some of it last night,meaning the contamination has spread to my car, my bed and anywhere else in the house I have touched. Part of my rational mind tells me this is a great opportunity - there is no way I can possibly clean everything I have touched in the past 22 or so hours. However, the other part is in a really anxious state. I have put all the washing that has not yet been worn back in the washing machine with washing liquid this time and I'm itching to wipe out the tumble drier, the radiators etc. Why does this happen to me? I was making some really positive steps and, while I'm sure many of you will tell me this is exactly what needed to happen, it feels far too much too soon. I know that hep c can be contagious indried blood got up to 6 weeks, so if this could have waited another 3 days it might have been just the push I needed. It's just too soon and I don't know what to do.
  14. Been thing about your post yesterday, Polar Bear. Trying to reframe my reaction to blood and see it as 'benign'. The problem is, I know that it isn't always harmless and the first aid training I have had obviously reinforces the idea that it is a potential carrier of viruses etc. Trying to rationalise how I can have these two ideas sitting side by side in my brain.
  15. Yes - definitely! Hate mornings. By the time I'm in the car and ready to drive to work I'm exhausted with working through the anxiety and fighting compulsions.
  16. Thank you! Really needed to read this just now! I want to be a warrior and I am so fed up being a worrier! I get so jealous of people who are carefree!
  17. Er - not that much! Guess what I'm doing tomorrow! Did some washing and shopping but not a lot else! Off to a birthday party for an old family friend this evening. Would so much rather stay in with a take away and the tv! Hoping my mojo will come back when I get glammed up!
  18. Yes there's fear too, but my first reaction on seeing anything remotely resembling blood is to feel revulsion. I think this heightens my awareness of it, rather than being able to just brush over it as a non-OCD person would, and that gives space for the fear to creep in.
  19. Being on this forum has made me recognise that the strongest emotion OCD makes me feel is revulsion. That's probably why when it's really bad it makes me physically sick. This is what I really need to tackle through cbt
  20. Thinking about my OCD today and trying to get to the bottom of things. I've done quite well at making 'baby steps' and avoiding taking on new worries this week. However, the root of my main contamination anxiety is one event that happened 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I know that I am, at the root of it all, hanging on for 6 weeks to be over, as this is the longest time that my (unfortunate) googling has told me that blood is contagious for (in this instance, with hep c). I'm feeling that I'm not really beating the main situation - my belief that this contamination has spread everywhere and is still a danger. I don't know how I will battle this basic belief, which is still so strong. Hoping that my first cbt appointment might help as, without winning this battle, I don't think I can win the OCD war.
  21. I think it's a bit of both really! Housework means touching dirt which I find revolting. Maybe I like the feeling of being freer of anxiety too much - need to push myself! Am on the third lot of laundry today - which I particularly find 'contaminating' - so not completely shying away from it. It seems a bit overwhelming at the moment and,having been ill, things have piled up even more!
  22. Welcome! Like you, I had never joined a forum before but I have found the advice on here invaluable.
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