Kcbell92

That’s something I’ve been working on, with not only like peoples actions to me or the Mets winning or losing and peoples comments to me based on disagreements over the management. But also like daily life stuff that I’ve previously posted like when my car has an issue or my body feels hurt or sickly a little or I think I notice something like my eye suddenly feels now like a little tucked in and tight and feels like there’s something there in it or around it that shouldn’t be, and it’s annoying and not hurting but just in the way and I feel I have to keep feeling my eye area there to make sure it isn’t there and it isn’t affecting me and it won’t last and I still can disregard it and accept it’s there and turn my mind to something else and forget about it and it’ll go away and isn’t even that big of a deal. Anyway, In the end, I just told myself when it happens, stop acting on the compulsions to feel it to make sure it isn’t worse, bc I’ve had this before and even if I haven’t, it isn’t a big deal that I feel it. It’ll go away in time, it isn’t affecting me. It isn’t going to last. And I’m only feeling it bc it feels a little off and I want to make sure it isn’t worse and gonna get worse, so I’m feeling it to make sure it isn’t worse, so I’m finding things when I do it that may be slightly off and go away soon or aren’t even there and I’m finding it as an issue, it isn’t good to act on compulsions, especially being it’s fully out of my control and it isn’t serious and it’ll go away. Accept, adjust, deal with it with that said and focus my mind on if I’m actively doing something fun and if im not doing something fun, Then refocus my mind on whatever I can that’s better for me mentally, I am self teaching myself with that issue and others to just go forward in the moment and I can’t control it, so just go forward doing what I’m doing and let it play out. Ruminating and acting on my compulsions is going to do nothing but refocus my mind on and it repetitively do it and I already explained how it makes it worse bc why you feel it and what u do when you feel it and ruminating on something worst case that isn’t even that serious is also not worth it being I cannot control it

Well that person in 2011, who told me that I was a terrible person and friend and didn’t listen and didn’t care and didn’t try to improve myself tho i tried hard to do that. And said that when I bother anyone else with the issues I bothered them with and I don’t stop immediately, and do right that they’ll do to me what that person did, they we’re hiding back a lot of mental issues bc they forgot that they said any of that when we called them in 2017 bc of the one who did the same to me in 2016, and they said they didn’t even remember saying that but they now changed there gender and became a woman and told anyone who called her “he” now will be murdered. And so on. They obviously have a lot of mental issues, and the one in 2016 who did the same as the one in 2011, also had an issue, he had CP

@snowbear that was an incredibly moving post you sent to me there. It made me feel I can maybe begin to just naturally tell myself finally that as you said, clean slate. Reset, let bygones be bygones, accept the people said all they said about me and how I am not a good person and don’t better myself to them and that I think everyone will cut me off in the same ways as them for the same reasons as them and it’s bc I can’t do right. But accept that it isn’t me, I can still overcome and grow from that and why the two from the past and the one recent too, if they said that about me and said they did what they did bc of what I did wrong and didn’t do right. Like you said self confidence to understand that it wasn’t me, I may have done wrong but tried to do right and at that point if anything it’s on them. Because if they cared and wanted to let me prove myself and wanted to be around me they would have appreciated what I did right after and still dealt with me. So it’s not me. At least not me after I stopped doing what’s wrong by them in there mind, and if I kept my side of the street clean by doing right and they didn’t want to follow up with me after, that’s on them.

I do need to learn ways to gradually increase my self esteem. Because I found myself ruminating on someone that I used to work with from 2014-2017. I used to talk to them on and off until 2023. They used to like to talk to me even let me talk about the issues but I think I may have went a few months too long on with them. So this year I stopped ruminating my issues to them, and since last fall. So the last 9 months, so now I feel like they never answered me after that. And it’s bc they want to get revenge for me doing wrong by them a few months too long, holding what I did a few months to long against me and thinking I’ll do it again so that’s why he won’t deal with me anymore, and knowing I need the re assurance that I am not the reason why he isn’t talking to me and not giving it to me and knowing my past issues and mental issues he knows I’ll suffer for it and he’ll feel he got back at me for doing wrong by him too long, so I lost all his respect so he’ll feel better when he mentally tortures me to make me mentally suffer knowing how that’ll get me. And he’ll enjoy knowing he can do that to me bc I didn’t keep doing right by him. And the reason I’m thinking that is as I’ve said before, two people from my past, one in 2011 and one in 2016 both eventually started telling me the same thing. That it’s all bc I don’t listen and I don’t do what’s right by them and I refuse to work on myself and improve myself and that I’m selfish and disrespectful and uncaring and they said that when you bother someone in the future for a few months too long then They want to deal with, they’ll do to you what we are going to do (downgrade me, avoid me, not let me prove myself after I did the one thing wrong and not let prove I can do better. Tell me I didn’t improve and then just Blow me off, leave me in my thoughts rhat I didn’t do right by them and I can’t do that to someone else bc once they avoid me after I do wrong and don’t stop right away, I won’t be able to prove myself as wanting to improve and do right by them like I wasn’t able to do right by the two from the past, so the ones in the future or present will think just like the ones from the past said do me so dirty like the one from the past did) so I feel it’s all my fault and I’m just the one that will always **** it up with Everyone and it’s always and only just me that will always and only just have this happen to me by many different people, the two from the past and the one now and many more in the future bc it’s always and only me that people do this to to mentally affect. And it’s destroying me inside, everyone wikl always and only do this to me and always and only do it to me to enjoy destroying me bc always and only me can’t do right by people and improve myself in others eyes and it’s bc I’m a worthless unsuccessful lifelong failure @PolarBear @snowbear @Garfield

I cannot control someone’s mindset or way of handling me in conversation. Same goes for like how certain life issues rhat I think may affect me like when I immediately think something wrong with my body is going to be a severe issue when 99.9 percent of the time it turns out to be a come and go thing that im noticing and fixating on and making worse then what it is

Yes I appreciate you answering and I know with the way I handle the Mets and a lot of people were very concerned about my health bc of it and of course the peoples comments from years back affecting me based off what the Mets do now. But I do put way to much self worth based off what people think and say about me and even from my past. A lot of this is lack of self esteem and confidence

Any advice on handling this? I feel like it’s similar to re assurance seeking

Another issue I have serious issues with is when I talk to someone and have a great conversation, when the conversation ends, if let’s say the person doesn’t respond to me as much at the end of it, or the person doesn’t answer me when I say bye. I feel like the fun conversation and time spent with the person just before was ruined and affected at least bc it didn’t end the way I wanted it to, if they didn’t answer me the first time when I ended the conversation, or didn’t answer me as fast as I wanted or didn’t answer one thing I said at all. I take it like I needed them to answer me to end the conversation in order to feel I fully enjoyed the conversation from start to finish and I accomplished enjoying myself talking to them from start to finish. But my question is, what tactics can I use to accept that it doesn’t have to go perfectly from start to finish with the person answering me at the end as well as I wanted? I tried telling myself it doesn’t matter if they didn’t answer me the way I expected when we finished the conversation, they still understood what I said, they still responded and had a good time talking to me, they still heard me and responded and maybe they responded to most at the end but just not in the way I wanted it, exactly how fast and in the patterned way I wanted it. But they still were talking and had fun with me and i enjoyed it and they seemed to enjoy it and they just didn’t answer at the end as much and in the way they wanted but that doesn’t ruin a good conversation because they dont think like that

After how bad I got last weekend and the few weeks before that, I now also realize that I was very bad and sports is destroying my mentality and there’s much more to enjoy in life besides the Mets performances giving me that motivation with out ruminating over the losses and the fans that harassed me and what they think

You wrote a book @PolarBear? Or is this a joke?

Any advice on working with my other interest to turn my attention to them rather then the Mets losing

I won’t deny I am very obsessed and focused on the Mets daily performances and needing to see better results and then when they lose I immediately focus on the guy I mentioned comments and Many others start running through my mind. And the fact they continue to blow all these games and the ruminating bc of it overwhelms me. I do need to have other hobbies bc if I don’t stop focusing on every Mets blown loss snd this season Is gonna have tons more. I’m going to absolutely explode and I know it isn’t healthy

I do love film, love movies and tv shows. I love traveling, even small new places. I love watching travel vlogs. I love theme parks, I love concerts. I love fairs

My thoughts aren’t good. The fact the second they blow another game late I immediately lose all interests in having motivation to work and do fun things in life because I’m going to Ruminate over how they lost and how they keep losing and how I’ll handle myself when they keep losing, as well as obviously how I am gonna Ruminate over what that guy told me last summer and how he can always think to it and enjoy it and want me hold onto all he said and for me to suffer in life so he’ll feel accomplished bc I was wrong about Stearns being better then Eppler and he was right

He’s probably chuckling after the blown losses bc every game they blow more into David stearns time as gm, it’s probably more pleasing for zack to feel he can accomplish in his mind that he can make me not want to live anymore bc he knows I’ll focus for the rest of my life that he said I’m a miserable uneducated person and he’s absolutely enjoying my suffering

He didn’t say things about the team only. He told me that I’m a miserable uneducated person because he felt I was wrong about David stearns being better then Billy Eppler. And he just blew me off after when I tried to be nicer to him, meaning he was still holding the disagreement against me and still holding onto that he considered me to be a miserable uneducated person bc I disagreed on the Mets general managers. So he absolutely must be loving how he was right and I was wrong and how he loves how I made myself look foolish aggressively demanding he listen to me. And then he’s absolutely loving that I have to think that he’s right and he knows I fixate on things so he’s definitely enjoying that he was able to make me live in that I was wrong so he feels accomplished that he can make me want to not live anymore bc he was able to make me focus that he’s right and live the rest of my life rhat he Is Abel to enjoy his life knowing I’ll always feel that he can win the argument that I am a miserable uneducated person. I hope he has something absolutely terrible happen to him

Well he did do something to me last year when he attacked me as he did, leaving me to believe that he’s focusing on me and loving how he thinks I’m suffering in what he said about me besides Being wrong about the management of the team, he’s loving knowing I’ll live in what he said that im miserable and uneducated and nobody wants to deal with me. And he’s loving on focusing on that and bc he’s right and he’s loving that I live in that and he’s loving that I may not want to live anymore bc of it

I just cut my dad off bc I felt he was siding with the guy for some reason. I’m really mentally crazy. I need a lot of help

My mind is running on the possibility that he can always think and say that about me after each blown loss bc he can do all that bc it has proof in wrong and he’s right

I just feel there’s always a possibility that he can think all of that true with proof now bc of the teams performance under the old gm he likes being better at that point then the team now under the new general manager

It’s more then just about the team losing @PolarBear did you see the Person that affects me after each loss?

It’s more then just the team losing @PolarBear did you see what I said about the person I argued with. I’m sure He’s focusing how he loves that I can live my life on what he said and he can feel accomplished he made me feel that’s how I am bc he can now prove I’m wrong and he’s right about the general manager argument that he was right the old general manager Eppler was better then the new one stearns and that it’s clear to everyone in his mind that I went crazy and made a fool of myself and that he is loving that he was able to make me fixate on what he said about me being a miserable uneducated persona and fan that nobody is going to want to deal with, after each blown loss and that he can feel it’s torturing me and he can feel accomplished that it’ll lead to me giving up on my life

I wish I was dead

I threw two small tables across my apartment and slammed and broke two remotes

After every blown loss and there’s been a lot so far, I think about how they keep doing this and how they’ll continue to do this and I ruminate on it and with that itself I lose all motivation to work and do fun things in life bc I feel I cannot enjoy myself doing anything with my life bc I cannot stop ruminating over the losses now we add what that guy from my old job told me last summer and i ruminate over the way they keep losing and how he spoke to me and how I feel he’s thinking about everything he said to me and laughing and loving how right he was and how wrong I am with proof and how I feel he can always laugh about it and hope I suffer especially with what he said about me. I wish I would just die in my sleep.