OCD_K

It seems like the thing that is making it worse for you is the "devastating" label that you apply to your panic attacks and thoughts of suicide. I don't know your medical history but unless you have some sort of underlying heart condition, panic attacks themselves are not harmful. As horrible as a panic attack may seem, at the end of the day, you are not in any danger. As for the suicidal thoughts part, you said it yourself that you don't want to die and the thoughts scared the hell out of you. That to me sounds like plain ol' OCD. These thoughts are unwanted, intrusive, and ego-dystonic meaning they are going against who you probably are as a person. If you don't want to commit suicide, you won't, even if you have intrusive thoughts about it. Just try and remind yourself that its your OCD talking and there's no reason to be scared or devastated about it. Continue with your therapy and try as best as possible to try and reduce the stress in your life. Remember, you are not in any danger, and thoughts are not threats. You will get through it!

I think the more you try to ignore your thoughts, the more they will come back stronger and provoke more anxiety. Instead, you need to accept the thoughts. Even though they are intrusive and unwanted, when a thought pops into your head, just label it as an obsession, if necessary, tell yourself that there is no evidence that you act upon the thought, and just simply say "it's my OCD". OCD thoughts are ego-dystonic and go up against who you are as a person. I don't know you at all, but I can say that the more you try to stop or ignore the thoughts, the worse it is going to be for you. The more you can try to accept the thoughts and just say "it's my OCD", the better off you will be. Sometimes I even try to make a joke out of it. If I am driving my car and I get an intrusive thought of driving it off a bridge, I sometimes try and think "haha, yeah I will drive off a bridge, come on". Instead of forcefully trying to ignore the thought or saying something like "OMG what if I drove off, I would die, my family would be devastated", I would just try to quickly play it off as, "what a silly OCD obsession. Like I am going to drive off a bridge". Then I just focus back on the road or look at the car in front of me. It might provoke a bit of anxiety, but the more i habituate to that type of scenario, the less anxious i feel over time. Accept the thoughts, don't ignore! They are just thoughts, not threats! Hang in there! We are all sufferers together!