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xxsammiexx

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    Female
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    Scotland

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  1. Hi everyone. Its been a while since I have been on here. I know I am going to take my own life due to OCD. I can't help myself. I have weekly psychology sessions and my CBT and ERP keeps getting stopped due to me not being stable enough. My psychiatrist has tried to prescribe medication but I have an intrusive thought that medication causes drug addiction ( no amount of reassurance changes this, my mum had addictions and took her own life ) my brain screams to myself I will become a drug addict if I go near it. I'm constantly being admitted for overnight care due to my feelings and the feelings I tell my psychologist. My OCD dominates every part of me from the moment I wake till the moment I sleep ( I don't sleep longer than 3 hours per night now and have stopped eating ) even when I was doing ERP I was failing. I think I have ran out of options. Is there anything I have missed? Anything else I can try that is not therapy or medication? I can not and will not carry on living like this. I am going to stop it with suicide if I cannot help myself.
  2. Thank you for your reply. Glad to hear it helps you too even if it's only somewhat. I have also also wondered if it's placebo too, but since I did not know that propranolol helps OCD till I figured I had not acted on my triggers and researched the tablet after I am still unsure, as I did not know it helps upon taking the tablet. The following days will tell all for me. I do not expect it to disappear that would be a Miricle. But If it lessens as much as it has today that's good enough for me
  3. I hope so, just don't want to get my hopes up too early, I can't fathom how a tablet can reverse years of worsening OCD. I'm hopeful it has helped others too and may make it more believable, only the following days will tell. Thank you for your reply
  4. Hello everyone so, I've posted here previously about my debilitating symptoms, how they have progressively got worse and how I have been waiting for a while on the waiting list for referral. My OCD manifests itself in my thoughts and routine, I have to repeat what I will do that day right down to putting petrol in the car and what order they will be done In, and repeat this 4 times. Out loud if by myself, in my head and count on fingers if in company. If my routine changes it sends things into chaos and I repeat the new routine so much more than the original one. I repeat my routine at about 5 minute intervals for what feels like hundreds of times a day and takes up many hours. My routine stays the same every weekday, I get petrol on the same day each week, I do the food shop on the same day, particular bills get payed on the same day each week but I can't stop. I write this down as a schedule and as well as repeating it I look at the schedule constantly and if a task is done I then feel I can delete it and so on. I have a bedtime ritual where I have to first go to the kitchen, check all plugs inparticular the cooker and water heater are switched off, then I walk past the back door and have to try the handle 4 times to ensure it's locked, then the bathroom to check the toothbrush charger and shower are off, then utility to check the tumble dryer is off as well as the charging cable for my cordless Hoover unplugged, then its to the living room the check one particular plug is turned off, then to the front door to try that handle 4 times and off up to bed. I have have been battling frequent and more persistent migraines recently. I was today put on 80mg long acting beta blocker betanol ( propranolol ) to attempt to prevent the migraines occurring. I took my first tablet today and have noticed I have not ruminated or compulsively checked my list or repeated my routine or anything. I have a feeling I will still carry out the bedtime ritual but that doesn't bother me as much as the constant repeating routine. Could this be the beta blocker that has done this? I don't want to get my hopes up too early but something has changed today. As soon as I noticed I hadn't checked my list I did check it and usually when I do that after remembering to check I will start the process of repeating things again. But I checked, repeated it once and let it drop, that is such a big move for me. Does anyone else have any experience with beta blockers and their OCD symptoms I would be interested to know if this tablet has helped me. After noticing this I googled and there is some evidence that beta blockers can help OCD and in particular anxiety. thank you for reading my long drawn out story
  5. Hi PolarBear, thanks for your reply, at the minute I am still receiving counselling, my counceller agreed she is not the right person to help me and has reffered me to the community mental health team, a couple of months ago I received a letter saying that they have a very long waiting list for appointments and will be in touch when one becomes available, so far, no letter.
  6. I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this, any advice would be great but so far nothing has helped, My OCD manifests in intrusive thoughts, they are not disturbing, my thoughts are based on routine, I have to repeat to myself on a daily basis what I need to be doing that day and what bills need to be payed, if my routine changes the obsessive thoughts and repeating myself gets a lot worse, I repeatly justify why there was a change in routine and what I am going to do about it, even during times when I think there is nothing to be obsessive over, my mind will find something and run with it, it has now taken up all of my free time, I cannot relax at all or be my old self because this occupies my mind from the minute I wake. I have been slowly sinking into a depressive state and I am starting to feel like I soon won't be able to function. I don't know where to go from here!
  7. Hi, if you put yourself into the shoes of someone who has been there for longer, and be an onlooker to a newcomer, you completely understand that they are new and will take some time to get to grips with things, I was like this when I started a new job, a few weeks later I knew everyone and felt better about coming to work. Trust the process, you are not expected to know everything at the moment, maybe speak to an approachable colleague to ask for help when needed, will also help you make some new workmates. Remember that these people whom you think are judging you are just people too, they were just like you at one point, being the newcomer, they have all been there and will not be judging you in the way you think that they are. With time, these feelings will pass, you will no longer be the newcomer and will have the knowledge and confidence in your job, it's a transition process, at the moment you are the newbie, and anxious, months down the line you will no longer be. Tell yourself this is temporary and try to convert your anxiety to excitement. Congratulations on the new job!
  8. Hi, sorry to hear you are going through this, my OCD manifests in a similar way although the thoughts are not disturbing ones I just feel the need to repeat thoughts over and over, something i I find that helps to an extent is to use the notes function of your phone and write down your thoughts as they come, give yourself permission to dismiss the thoughts as they come because they are written down, that helps with obsessing over the thoughts but will not help with the thoughts entering your mind, which I have been told you need to let pass without adding any importance to, you will then start compulsions, in my case saying the thoughts over and over, but if they are written down you can tell yourself they are written down instead and try to let them pass freely, been told many times to not try to stop the thoughts all together as that can be counter productive and actually cause things to get worse, instead let them pass without adding importance to them, write them down if you have to and if that same thought enters again, don't give it any importance and remind yourself it's written down so it doesn't need to occupy your mind. As for the therapy, I cannot advise you on that as I am also on my second session. Hope you find the peace you need soon!
  9. I'm just wondering if my recent Ill health could be due to OCD? Bit of background, my symptoms have been progressively been getting worse for the past 2-3 years, nowadays it has a huge impact on daily life and is very dibilitating. My OCD manifests in my head, I do not carry out physical actions, I repeat thoughts over and over again either in my head or out loud and they have to be a certain order said 4 times over, I do this hundreds of times a day, I ruminate almost the entire time I am awake, these thoughts are mainly a to do list, going over conversations I have had with people to ensure I didn't offend them, and justifying spending money and why I spent it, I have had 1 counselling session and the counceller has agreed I need more specialist help with someone who is trained to help with OCD so my treatment programme has not really begun yet but is in motion to begin shortly. For the past 6 months I have had 1 to 2 migraines a week, sometimes mild, sometimes bedbound. For the past 10 days I have had long lasting migraines and an extreme bout of tiredness, making it difficult to work, in my free time I have been lazing around on the couch and this is just not me, I have even let the housework slide and that is certainly not normal as I am very particular about housework And everything being clean and in place so this is stressful in itself, I was wondering if this could be due to the OCD? The tiredness, and headaches? I have also had episodes of being very tearful for no apparent reason and have a need to be on my own just now, I've had bloods done and they don't show any reason for excessive fatiague, I do have an underacrive thyroid and b12 deficiency but these are both under control. Any advice would be great as to whether the stress of my OCD symptoms could possibly bring on these feelings of poor physical health? Thanks for reading.
  10. Hi, sorry to hear how much of a toll this is taking on your life, it's so **** isn't it that life is so short and we are wasting ours suffering with OCD. I was recently talking to a friend about my symptoms and she told me she knows someone who was put on citalopram for the same symptoms as mine, ( intrusive thoughts, constant ruminating, repeating phrases ) so I am going to make an appointment to attempt that tablet as I have also been on fluoxetine ( Prozac ) with no beneficial effects. I was reading that if your OCD is not under control after 2 years worth of treatments including CBT and medication, the NHS can refer you higher up to a specialist Physiatrist I cannot exactly remember what happens but I do know that's an option available. I do hope you manage to find something that works for you, I am just at the start of my journey I have had symptoms for 3 years the last year they have been debilitating and interfering with life.
  11. Hi Nancy Lee, thats a good question, in one of my previous posts I stated that I am unsure as to why I even carry out these rituals, because I don't feel anything bad will happen if I stop, the reason I carry on is fear or forgetting and the need to be in control. I don't have any further fear as to what might happen if I forget these things which makes it harder for me to understand why I can't stop
  12. Hi Tulsas its comforting and also horrible to know that I am not alone with this type of OCD I wouldn't wish anyone to have this type of loss of control I'm sorry to hear you have it too. I only just learned yesterday what I do is called ruminating so I am researching coping techniques for that at the moment. I hope you manage to keep your thoughts under better control by letting your mind empty.
  13. For as long as I can remember I have ruminated everyday over anything I feel I need to remember, could be a to do list, or something I am telling myself over and over that I have done, I have tried the 'recognise you are ruminating and focus on something else ' thing is I'm scared I will forget what I was saying to myself and that wins over realising I am ruminating, if I write down my to do list or anything else I am ruminating I just check that instead or repeat to myself that it's written down so don't worry, and end up checking it anyway, replacing one thought with another. Any advice on how I can stop this? What is the most upsetting is these thoughts are stupid, I have no need to remember and repeat what I did that day or what I have to do especially when many years ago I got by with a normal to do list and now I'm obsessed with repeating every little thing.
  14. Hi, yes I have heard of that but my doctor doesn't think it nessesary till I have tried counselling, do you think it would help based on my symptoms? It's not just the repeating phrases although that is the worst and most time consuming symptom, before I leave the house and before bed I have to check plug sockets especially the tumble dryer. I also have to try a locked door 8 times before leaving to make sure it's locked. Thank you for replying.
  15. Hi all, sorry if this post becomes lengthy, I will try to keep it as short as possible, for the past 3 years I have suffered with repetitive thoughts, now it is dibilitating and I can not carry on with life normally as I waste so much time repeating thoughts either in my head or out loud when alone. They always are silly things, the biggest trigger is a change in routine, I repeat over and over what I will be doing and what I have to do, and I have to repeat these phrases 4 times, sometimes it takes some time as there is usually a few different things I repeat at once, I don't know why I do it I don't have any bad thoughts that will happen if I don't, just the fear of forgetting what I have to do, I tried writing down my thoughts but it doesn't help I either check my notes or repeat the phrase 'everything is written down so don't worry' I start to doubt it's written down so check again and again anyway. It's really silly things but I can't stop, it changes daily and sometimes the previous days repetive phrase carry on through to the next day. For example, today's one is rather long, it is " I have payed all my bills this week nothing to pay, make sure you do your workouts everyday, in Tesco I bought an air freshener and a scratch card but I didn't wash my car because it didn't need washed " usually during the week it is something releating to my work or any appointments I may have, and these phrases can be about anything, and I repeat them 4 times each time over 100 times each day. I have been to the doctor twice and the last time they told me it sounds like OCD but they weren't ready to 'stick a label on me yet' and hav reffered me for counselling which I am still to receive the letters for. I need help, what used to be my downtime and time to relax has now turned into this and I cannot relax or unwind anymore. I understand there's no need to repeat or even remember these things I just cannot stop and I feel out of control until I say it and it only helps for 5 minutes till I need to say it again. Anybody able to offer any advice? Thanks so much in advance. Sam.
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