Jen_90

Hello, I have been struggling for quite a while and my therapist keeps suggesting I increase my dose (currently on 150mg sertraline so this would take it to the max dose available). I am reluctant to go up to 200mg, partly because I'm trying to get pregnant and partly because I'm worried it won't work (and then what?). There's also the horrible feeling that maybe this isn't OCD and I should be worried after all, which I felt before starting meds in the first place. Anyway, I'd be grateful to hear anyone's experience of being on a high dose of sertraline and/or being on meds whilst trying to get pregnant.

I just want to respond to say I hear you and I'm so sorry- OCD can be absolute hell. I'm going through a really bad time myself with thoughts of my worries being real versus OCD. That said, when it's someone else I find it easy to label it as OCD. Think what you would say to a friend going through something similar.

Thank you for replying. My husband is aware and we did talk a bit the other night, which was a little comforting. But equally I appreciate I can't keep bringing up the past. I mean I've definitely still felt saddened by it over the years but not in such a debilitating way. It also doesn't help that any comments online are along the lines of 'leave him' and 'a relationship can't recover' etc. I want to be able to enjoy my marriage but I'm scared I'm sabotaging my chance of happiness in future. I don't want to leave him but sometimes people have to take risks to be truly happy. What if this is one of those occasions and it's the admin/financial impact that's holding me back? I'm also running out of time to 'start again' (if that's what I need to do). I really want to believe this is OCD. My life almost feels 'too good to be true'. Which makes me think I'm self sabotaging but equally leaving someone who cheated is a legitimate choice so it's hard to tell. It's also often bad when I'm on holiday and we're about to take a big trip tomorrow which doesn't help!

I'm sorry, it really is hard isn't it? I tend to talk to my sister about my anxiety as a general feeling as opposed to outlining every single worry. And then she can sympathise and be supportive without reassuring me.

I'm having a really hard time at the minute and just don't know where to turn. I feel like I'm being tortured by my mind. I've had OCD/anxiety for such a long time and it's ruining my life. Although my current issue doesn't seem to be OCD as such. For context, I've experienced many different 'phases' of OCD. Contamination/hygiene, obsession with people being in danger and, at this current moment in time, my relationship with my husband. Around the time of our wedding I became obsessed with the fear of him cheating. I am on medication and see a therapist. This helped previously but I've really struggled to challenge the OCD this time around. Recently my anxiety has turned into extreme sadness and a feeling my marriage is doomed (further context, I love my husband and we are trying for a baby!). Anyway years ago (when we were in our first year of dating) he did cheat on me (drunken one night stand on a stag, which he confessed immediately and was destroyed about). After a lot of deliberating, I decided to 'start again' with him. Eight years later I'm second guessing my original decision. Deep down, I don't believe he has given me a reason to think he would make the same.mistake again. I also believe people deserve second chances etc. My therapist has said that my current obsession is unrelated to the incident all those years ago but I'm worried I'll never feel happy again. I guess I'm scared that I've taken the wrong path in life, people would think I'm an idiot (if they knew) and that our relationship is 'fake' as it should have ended years ago. I don't want to end it and I love my life with him, but I can't silence these thoughts. I have such a good life in many ways but I've always been 'triggered' by stories of other people cheating. What if this is a sign I'm with the wrong person?

It's great that you're so committed to your treatment. If there is something slightly lower on your ladder you can do then that feels like a sensible compromise (and would still be progress). Perhaps also write down how you feel so that you're ready to discuss it when you next see your therapist. You may even be able to build up to the thing your therapist suggested before your next session, you still have time

I am so sorry, OCD is horrific and I'm not surprised you're exhausted after decades of suffering. I think you need to be kind to yourself- you're persisting with treatment, even when it feels too difficult, and proactively exploring different options (that doesn't sound like a lazy approach to me!). The new medication will take a while to take effect- see how you feel in a couple of weeks. Are there any ways you can give your mind respite in the meantime? Even just binging on a TV show that gives you some escapism, or getting drawn into a book (I know this is easier said than done when you're feeling at your lowest).

Thank you for all of your responses. I do really appreciate it. Yesterday was awful. I went to bed crying after raising it with my husband. I tried to frame it as anxiety, as opposed to being accusatory, but I think he really struggles to differentiate between the two. And now in typical fashion, speaking to him has resulted in another worry appearing. He basically said that I've done this before and referred to me worrying about colleagues. He isn't wrong that this isn't the first time I've shared a worry with him but I have never said anything about the people he works with. If anything, I keep most of my worries inside as I know raising them with him isn't fair (or helpful). So now I'm really confused. Why does he think I'm worried about his colleagues- is he projecting or, even worse, trying to overcompensate for something? I have never suggested he is cheating on me with a colleague so it worries me that he said this. I asked him about it but he can't remember the specifics.

I really identify with this. I was walking back from work yesterday and wishing there were public crying pods so that I could just stop and break down. I think people often burst into tears at inopportune times. I'm similar, in that I can be holding back tears at work and then when I'm at home I'm just too exhausted to cry. Are you doing anything that does relax you/gives you a break from your thoughts?

Thank you for your response. I understand that certainty will never happen..I guess I have just lost faith that I will know if something is a sign I should take seriously or not. So for example, I get that worrying over him cheating in future is pointless (and so try not to fixate on that) however if I see a sign it is currently happening or could have done in the past, then I worry that a 'normal' person would look into it. Basically I want to know whether I should worry or not!

Thank you for such a quick response. I suppose I could turn a blind eye to my worries, but how do I know when I'm being walked all over (if I posted this issue on Reddit, for example, I imagine I'd get a lot of people telling me to check his messages!)?

My OCD is incredibly bad right now (although obviously my fear is that it isn't OCD at all!). I've spent most of my day fixating on something that happened almost a year ago (and I even posted about it on this forum at the time). Basically, my obsessions are around my husband cheating on me. This particular worry is around me seeing 'sexually transmitted diseases' (or some variation on that) appear on his Google autocomplete (while he was searching for something). I've been ruminating on this for ages, almost trying to think my way out of this. I have been questioning why he would have googled this if he was worried he had an std (surely you would just Google the symptoms?). Or perhaps he cheated and was just generally worried about STDs (but then surely you would cover your tracks?). I then change tack and start pondering the feasibility of him cheating (i.e. when would be have had the opportunity? I have been away without him a couple of times in the last year but other than that we never spend the night apart) or who it is most likely to be with (statistically his colleague, according to Google). I feel like there's no way out. I can't confront him because he will put it down to my anxiety (it has put a strain on things before). But equally I cannot think of anything else. I am currently seeing a therapist and am on medication (decreased dose though as we are trying for a baby). My OCD seemed to worsen before I even lowered my dose and so I don't even know if upping my meds back up to where they were would even help.

I'm finding things difficult and I think it's especially frustrating as I went through a long phase of being so much better. I'm back in therapy (which I know I'm lucky to be able to afford) and sticking with 50mg of sertraline (rather than going down any further- was originally trying to come off as am trying for a baby). I also hate that I can never know for definite if this is OCD or not. It's like I can't trust my instinct. For instance, I've noticed that sometimes my husband spends time in the bathroom without actually using the toilet (I can tell because I don't hear the flush). According to other internet forums this could mean he is messaging other women. I don't want to believe this (and surely he could message other women in a different, more comfortable room?!) but at the back of my mind I'm terrified I'm missing a sign. I know reassurance isn't the answer but it feels so unfair that I will never get the peace of mind I'm looking for. It just seems such a terrible way to live.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday to deal with severe anxiety around the possibility of my husband cheating on me. As predicted, she obviously couldn't tell me that he definitely hasn't (I understand reassurance shouldn't be the aim but part of me was hoping she would say something reassuring!). She very much focused on changing my behaviour- i.e. seeing my worries as just thoughts not facts and instead of listing the reasons I think he has cheated, I could list the things that suggest the opposite (i.e that he is committed to me). Ive booked another apt for two weeks time as I'm still feeling rubbish. What adds to the confusion is the fact that I'm also decreasing my meds (due to trying for a baby). The infidelity obsession started before my dose went down but I can't help but think this isn't great timing! Currently longing for how I felt a few years ago when I started taking medication and things began to get so much better. My current obsession is around my skin. I haven't been very successful at resisting the compulsion to trawl forums for images of skin conditions in an attempt to self diagnose. I have three separate spots on my body that look like molluscum contagiosum and I'm even contemplating throwing money at a private dermatologist so that I can see someone about it quicker. Convinced I must have caught it off my husband who must have caught it off another woman. Feeling pretty miserable and pathetic right now.

Thank you for responding, I really do appreciate it. I have a therapist apt next week and I'm hoping she can help me see things differently.