Headwreck

I'm definitely not ruminating so much but it feels wrong, like I'm getting away with it. But I'm bored of it, I don't feel panicky so much as I'm used to thinking about it which is good but it's just annoying me now instead.

I keep forgetting about the worry I have momentarily and it's bothering me because I don't feel like it should be forgotten about? What should I do? Do I just let myself forget?

Thanks everyone. I don't think I'll do the flooding then, especially without guidance. I think one thing I'm unsure about is if OCD can broaden it's horizons so to speak. So I have had checking OCD since childhood but during my 20s have started with another theme out of nowhere which has kind of dwarfed the checking. Is this common? Or is it more that OCD will stay in one area of your life and not involve itself in others? Hence the question about whether unlinked compulsions fuel OCD as a whole rather than just the theme the compulsion belongs to. Hope this makes sense.

Know the feeling, Bruces.

Thanks Dragonfly and Lost. My therapist just keeps giving me ERP stuff to do, for example talking to my partner about other people's relationships and if they have cheated, watching films with cheating in etc. but if I'm honest none of this seems relative to my problem, I can do these things without an issue as I know that they are completely different situations to my own. I feel like there isn't much more I can do exposure wise, everything I need to do now is cognitive. Does this sound feasible, can you get to such a stage? He's not really done much in terms of the OCD as a whole ie checking behaviour, just mainly concentrated on this one obsession. If I'm honest, I'm really struggling to keep up financially with the therapy so probably going to stop after my next session. Which then begs the question, how do I get better without the intervention of a therapist?

So I ruminate. A lot. But trying not to do it so much, past day or two have been better for it. I have other 'things' I do which are not focused on my current worry. For instance I take some medication every night and I have to spin the tablet in my mouth 5, 10 or 15 times, take a drink of water to swallow it and then check the water to make sure the tablet didn't fall out of my mouth into the water. Sometimes I still don't think I have taken the tablet even though I feel the residue in my mouth (the film on it sometimes melts a little because I spin it in my mouth for so long), or I think it fell in the water and it dissolved, even though a tiny part of me knows it didn't. I also do a massive check of my work every Friday before I leave work in case I've done something wrong and to avoid worrying over the weekend. It has become a bit of a joke in work. Other little things such as pressing the car key to make sure the car is locked three times, over cooking fresh chicken to make sure I don't give myself or others food poisoning (now my partner overcooks it as he knows I sit and investigate the chicken if it isn't overcooked), sometimes I count/have a sort of chant I recite in my head if I'm checking locks, windows but I don't do that everyday, only sometimes if my checking is playing up. Although, think my checking is only minimal now as I don't have to ever leave the house on my own rather than the fact that I'm over it. It used to take about 20 mins for me to leave the house when I had to lock up the house myself, I'd get up earlier to do it so I wouldn't be late for work and sometimes I'd have to return after leaving, and my partner won't let me lock doors etc now as he knows I'll doubt and check so it's faster for him to just do it so we can leave. These are only small things and don't cause much disorder to my life but I'm aware they're not normal. My question is, am I supposed to cut out all of these things? Do they feed the alleged 'current obsession' in a round about way, even though they are not linked? Are these behaviours linked in any way? My current concern about a past event seems completely unrelated to the checking etc. that I do?

I'm scared because this seems to be fading a little but last time this happened with my last "obsession" it changed to something new. I'm trying to remember everything I know now so that if I start doubting something I will remember knowing in this moment. I was going to write stuff down just in case.

But when I was diagnosed, it was a long time ago and I was only a child. For a few years the OCD seemed to disappear or at least just keep to checking behaviours and didn't bother me much, so why then out of nowhere after years am I all of a sudden allegedly drowning in it? Surely I'd need an up to date diagnosis? My therapist isn't qualified to formally diagnose, he's only treating me based on what I said it might be and he agrees. He's inclined to agree as I'm paying towards his wages effectively and it would be detrimental to his business if he said nothing was wrong. Sometimes I am not even thinking about that night but I just know I'm a nasty piece of work. Like this morning I don't really believe anything happened but I know I'm disgusting anyway. I ruminate and now my mind automatically says in response to it that I'll kill myself soon so it doesn't matter and the worry disappears. I can't afford to keep going to therapy and it's not working anyway, Dr's only throw tablets at me and put me on year long waiting lists so maybe it's the only feasible way out anyway.

The story will usually switch, but the upstairs thing has been a common hypothesis the past few months. I just don't know how to turn this around or where to begin. The therapy doesn't feel like it's working for me and therapy seems to be the only thing people find successful.

My partner does not want to hear it and kicks me out, understandably, also says he will kill himself. My family do not care, they use me for advice and support but when I need it they are bored and do not listen, would rather talk about themselves. Therapy is not helping and feels useless. I feel I am annoying people here too and people just see me as an irresponsible idiot who cannot deal with their own stupid actions rather than someone genuinely in need of advice. Have I been diagnosed with OCD? Yes, but it was 18 years ago so maybe no longer valid, I heard people can grow out of it. I was only a child and there was very little knowledge or treatment at the time for it. Do I have previous with OCD? Yes. Do I think this is OCD? No. I think this is guilt as a result of a desperately bad decision which was not made aware to me until 8 months ago due to another possible obsession. So why do I come here? I don't know. There is simply no point and this is all down to my own stupidity and selfishness.

I don't know. Because I have nowhere else to turn to. Because I want to end this life. Because I can't live knowing I went on that night out and even made cheating a possibility. It is lowest of the low yet I thought by doing it I would escape the pain from worrying my partner had done it to me and comforted myself with that fact. There is no excuse.

Thank you for the responses. I guess I don't know as much as I thought I did.

So yesterday I kind of thought that nothing had happened on that night out. Now today I've considered the opinion that it was a bad decision to go on the night out and I've only got myself to blame for this worry. At one stage in the night I went upstairs to the toilet knowing the male in question was up there in the toilet and I waited for him to come out, thinking it was funny, cheeky etc. to do that. I can't remember anything after that other than being downstairs again later that night and sitting opposite ends of the couch. What was my motive to go upstairs that other than wanting something to happen? I think I a) didn't care if something happened as I wanted to 'even the odds' as I was convinced my partner had cheated and thought it would make the pain go away if I did it too and b) wanted it to happen but wouldn't make the first move. I was drunk and something might have happened when I was up there but was never mentioned as they wanted it to be forgotten. I believe the worrying I'm doing now is exactly what anyone else would do. Granted this night out was nearly three years ago and it's only in the last 8months that I've thought something went on, before then I told my mum etc that nothing went on and discussed this night out with my partner when I felt the urgency to tell him what had gone on, again adamant at the time that nothing happened. But this is more than likely because I never used to think about this night so in depth as I was preoccupied with the worry that my partner had cheated. So my innocence was based on an summarised overview I had about the night and info after rather than in depth consideration. So, where do I go from here? Do I leave my partner? Do I live with the guilt forever? I am ruining my partners happiness staying as I will not go on holidays or make any commitments as I don't deserve it and if it comes out I've done it then it's not fair to have carried on with holidays etc like nothing has happened. So, what do I do? I need guidance, I don't expect sympathy as I don't deserve it, I just want to know what the right thing is to do by my partner.

I know there is an element of excessive worry, overblown conclusions, repetition. But I don't feel like I know what it can truly make you think and feel? My therapist has told me to do things I enjoy to try to take myself out of my own mind as I seem to live in my own head and have done for years. But the thing is, isn't that just what non-OCD people do with their own worries, they may have money troubles etc. but forget about it for a while until they remember again. Isn't that just what he is asking me to do? I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.

I know it's a strange question but what is the difference between someone without OCD who is worrying compared to someone with OCD? What is OCD capable of doing to your mind which is different to someone without OCD?