Headwreck

Hello everyone. As you all know, my current obsession has been here every single day for over a year. I've realised something over the past week or two though; I'm not thinking about it as often. This may sound great; it is and isn't. I'm concerned that I'm okay with this whole worry being true. I don't want to be okay with it, I'm under no circumstances okay with it. But I am no longer constantly thinking about it, and when I do it's not bothering me as much as it did, which is leading me to think that I am happy to ignore this major thing. Not sure if anyone understands when I say it's still constantly there every day but it's not using the active part of my brain as much? Tablets are numbing emotional response but I still feel that general anxiety, worry. I know that anxiety and worry are natural but I'm also finding it hard to tell if it's a natural response or if it isn't? Having literally been in a constant state of worry/rumination since 2013, I feel since starting my medication and clearing the fog a little, I don't know what emotions are true or false, what is valid or overblown. Appreciate any input. Thanks.

Hey. So the past few weeks have been better. The depression has lifted, thanks to the medication. The obsession is still there and still thinking about it although not as much as I was. Even though I'm not thinking about it as much, it's still in my head constantly. When it isn't in my head at all, I suddenly realise and acknowledge that it isn't which makes it there again. I'm making a concerted effort to just get on with life but it feels futile. Yes I'm functioning, yes I'm in a better mood (forced sometimes) and not spending lots of time ruminating etc. but it feels like I'm just putting a plaster over a gun shot wound here. Labelling as OCD feels like the easy way out, an excuse. 😔

Thanks Dksea. I don't feel as though I'm getting anywhere and still not convinced it's OCD but there's nothing I can do to prove it is or isn't so have to just get on with it. Just looking for some advice on something though. With regards to confessing etc., I haven't done that for a while but I do find myself planning on confessing through the day with the aim of doing so when I get home from work, which then makes me feel better but I don't actually carry the confession out. Is this also a compulsion? I recall also doing something similar previously with the last major obsession; I would get ready to question and ask for reassurance from my partner when I got home from work later in the day but would then not go through with it, just felt better knowing I had it planned to do? But would not act on it. Not sure if this makes sense!

Thank you everyone. It's nice to know that people understand. It's easy to feel as though you're an alien when it comes to this stuff. Always nice to know there are people here who can relate so, thank you. Dksea, thanks for the detailed post. Have been reminding myself of your forest analogy over the week and trying to continue to make changes. My mind is still occupied with my concerns for the majority of the day but difference is, I can function in work and at home. I refuse to have discussions about it, mention it or anything else I used to do, I just try to get by. I still ruminate but I try to disengage as much as I can. I have new thoughts about this concern but I know the best thing to do is to leave it alone to let my mind cool off. That cool down is the difference between rational and irrational, truth and lie. One minute I'll be 100% invested in a thought only for my mind to say it was silly an hour later. I'm 13 months in now, still don't think it's OCD, still can't see an end to this but can't do much else but keep going on with my days. Medication has made it a lot easier to make changes, I still obsess but it no longer gets as much of a rise from me; it's not at all gone but I am a lot easier to be around and I find it easier to cope with. I can only thank people here for helping me see that it was worth the risk.

Thanks for the responses, I'm glad it isn't only me that this has happened to. I'm just concerned that I'm going to think this way for the rest of my life, there is always fuel for the fire. I think my whole past is a disgrace, so many black marks against my name that I wish I could remove because my past is horrible, dirty almost, and I'm not decent. I know this thinking is no good and nobody here can console me, but finding it extremely difficult as every thought I have I'm always analysing, questioning and doubting. It's as though I don't know myself or anything I have done, as though I've just been delivered into the middle of this random life with no back story. Sick of it.

I understand that obsessions change but I've been worried about this one for a year now (literally every single day) and the last one a number of years (again, every single day). I have other worries which may take over but they only usually last a few hours or so and then the normal one returns. When I truly get stuck on something, it sticks around for years. Even without a high state of anxiety, I can think nonchalantly and still believe the worry is true. It's as though my mind is completely convinced (even without the effect of anxiety) and can stay that way for years. I recall this also happened with my last long term obsession which lasted 4 years. Can anyone else relate to this because I've not seen this referred to at all really? I feel like I'm under some kind of remote mind control! Thanks.

Just feels as though I'm trying to battle through every day. Sometimes I don't think I've done anything, others I do, sometimes I'm indifferent. Trying hard not to analyse but it's hard not to because none of it makes sense, probably because I've thought about it so much.

I don't feel like I'm doing well at all... I hope you are doing okay though Dragonfly and thanks for being so supportive. Today I'm desperate to talk to my partner about it but when I think about what I'm going to say, I don't know if it's true or not? I just want to say it so that he knows there is a chance it happened and then he can decide what to do. But part of me thinks it's all a load of rubbish, but how do I know that it didn't happen and I don't remember? I don't know what I think or know anymore. Does this make any sense? I feel so numb.

Thanks for the kind words, it does help. And PB you certainly are right, doing the same thing is only going to get me the same result. It's just very difficult. When I'm not thinking about 'that', I'm wondering if I really have OCD, or I'm wondering about if I'll always think I've done something. Then if I don't think about it, I'm asking myself if I'm allowing myself to forget it on purpose. It's not how a person thinks, who wonders about when they'll stop thinking that they've done something or wondering if they are ill with something they have been diagnosed with previously (although I was diagnosed over 15 years ago and I had a few years of no symptoms so there is a possibility it's not OCD, diagnosis is out of date or not severe enough to be treated)? You couldn't make it up. Also as you've said Dragonfly, extremely conscious of feelings, moods, ie if I feel like this then this means that... it's a neverending cycle, forgotten how to feel without analysis. Thankfully though the tablets seem to have settled now, still not great but better than I was. I know I shouldn't but I keep wanting to ask, does it mean it's OCD if the tablets are working? Would they work for someone who wasn't ill? I just feel as though I literally doubt absolutely everything.

Thank you. Yes I've decided to just give the tablets time to settle, I guess it's early in the process but I can't help but notice that I'm feeling lower than I was a few weeks back. It doesn't make sense though, how can something be seen as a nothing event, was certain nothing happened etc but then years later be the only thing I think about and think I did something? It's so confusing, I've never felt so lost in my life.

Thanks for your advice dksea. I feel like a broken record but this has been a whole year of this as of this month. It's gone from thinking I had sex to thinking I did something sexual to now being sure it was nothing special but maybe a kiss. It's morphed and changed throughout the year. The 4 years previously were hell on earth at the time (when I obsessed about my partner cheating) but I'd have that back in a heartbeat over this, this is focused on myself and I cannot live with what I've done. It's not so much the consequences but the fact I've done it to my partner and he is such a loyal and genuine person. I feel like a piece of garbage who deserves nothing but bad. It's been difficult just to be alive this past year and I don't know how I can keep this up if it turns into a 4 year thing like the last one.

Thanks for this. I understand completely and know what I should be doing etc. but it's impossible. The guilt is immense and I don't feel as though I should be living my life, I only deserve bad things. I don't know why I didn't know about it until now. Sorry anyway I should just stop. Can you know if you are in denial? Is denial a mental disorder?

I really don't know what to do. How can it be OCD, it's a valid concern. I keep wondering if I knew or not. Feel like I'm losing my mind. Maybe I never truly knew but said nothing happened as a confident guess. My life is a mess.

Thank you both. I am going to keep on them for now and see if it gets any better but at the moment feeling very unwell both physically and mentally. I can't stop wondering why I now think I did something now when I didn't think that before. But then not sure if I did know about it in the past but it just didn't bother me because I was so convinced about my partner cheating. My chest is so heavy again and feel physically unwell. Why did I ever get myself in that position in the first place? If I had done something then I'm sure I would know even when drunk, I don't know if I knew on the night, I feel as though I knew about it on the night but forgot the next day. I'm so upset and confused. I just cannot let this go.

I called the pharmacy but they said it doesn't matter about the manufacturer and side effects are normal. I understand that but I wasn't having any until I started these tabs over the weekend. But I'll try and stick with them and see if it balances out as you said. Thanks Felix. Just feel so teary, agitated and my heart is pounding, it hasn't been like this for weeks. Can't stop thinking I'm mental and that I play up to things for attention and as an excuse.