Headwreck

Hello. Some might remember me from a few years ago. I still think of a few people here and am thankful for the patience and support most people gave so thank you again. I was obsessed for around 5 years about my partner cheating. It then turned to me and I obsessed for roughly the same amount of time about my own actions, namely that I had sex or kissed someone on a night out. As you can guess, I have done really stupid things over the years whilst in my relationship... I have flirted with people. One most recently being three or four years ago. It was flirty, nothing sexual and nothing inappropriate was said from what I remember, and no contact outside of work. We would talk about personal things, OCD, relationship issues etc. At the time I was extremely stressed, suffering with untreated depression and anxiety, plus had things going on at home so at the time it felt like escapism but even still there is no excuse for that I know. I also flirted with someone around 9 years ago on a night out (at this time I was obsessed and convinced my partner had cheated) and they added me on social media and we chatted briefly, again nothing sexual, nothing physical. I have been flirty with others too over the years. I know I am terrible. I have already had massive battles with myself, with the issues I posted here being the worst times in my life. I don't for one second doubt I made my partners life hell too. My partner said recently that someone he knows has gone down in his opinion because they had been flirting with someone when they are in a relationship. It immediately made me think of my own behaviour. I know I am a horrible person and have no right to feel upset but I have spent all day panicking. I want to confess to my partner about my past and my actions but I know I have already made his life hell for a number of years so maybe it would be best to just leave so he can be with someone nice. I can't help but think that my behaviour is not normal and that this is not just something to be forgotten. Am I a horrible, nasty piece of work? I know what I've done does not make me a good person. I do think my partner would be a lot better off without me. I don't know if my guilt and wish to tell my partner is normal and rational. Sorry if I should not be posting here but I don't know if how I am being is rational or if it is being blown out of proportion by anxiety/OCD. I am terrified of going back to how I was a few years ago with OCD as some of you may remember, looking back I can recognise that I was extremely unwell. I'm in no way trying to minimise what I have done as I know I am wrong.

Thanks Angst. Yes I think I am focusing on being anxious as this was the first thought I had when I woke up this morning, "how anxious am I today? Am I worried today?" and so is begins from there. Will try to do something to take my mind off. Yes it does... I did fixate really, really badly on the new worry to the point where I was having panic attacks. It all lasted for two to three days but only stopped because I got confirmation from someone I thought was able to confirm for sure and even then I wasn't 100%. I guess the anxiety I have now is over spill from all of that. Considering starting my medication again to see if this will help as my checking has been getting gradually worse too recently.

Hello. I was wondering if anyone else has this issue. The past couple of days I have been experiencing very high anxiety (causing stomach issues, nausia, vomiting, shaking). I started panicking three days ago about something that had happened a few months ago. I ended up seeking reassurance from people (bad I know) that what I had done wasn't bad. Eventually my anxiety about the issue stopped yesterday. Ever since this peak in anxiety over that, my anxiety seems to have remained really high and hasn't really dropped back to what it was. My anxiety itself is through the roof now in general. It was bad before the past few days but not this bad. I have again gone straight back to my usual worry again but my anxiety is now tenfold. Also I'm doubting I have OCD because the worry I had over the past few days was something I definitely had done but I was worried it was wrong. And doubting that my worry is OCD. Whereas what I've worried about in the past is things I've not been sure I've done. I now think I definitely kissed someone 6 years ago and this has somehow been confirmed by a completely unrelated worry I had the other day. It's like I feel at peace saying I did it. I'm not sure how it's linking but in my head it has done. I can't explain this, I hope someone can understand. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone or if this is something anyone can relate to. I just thought I'd ask. Thanks

I'm really tired of feeling like this all the time. I notice that I feel worse on the lead up to work. My anxiety is skyrocketing and when my anxiety is bad, the worry I have is even worse. Considering going to my doctor again tomorrow and telling them the extent of what is going on. Tell them the whole 8 years and how it is affecting me on a daily basis. How I no longer want to be here. But I feel like it's futile because they will just put me on medication again as it seems like their quick fix answer to everything. I was on Sertraline for around one year and although it numbed the depression to a point, my anxiety was still a major problem. Just needed to rant. Everything feels pointless and wrong.

Thank you, I'll have a look into that now.

Thank you for all the responses. Sorry I took so long to answer but have been trying to stay away for a bit. @snowbear I have been looking at CBT books specifically for OCD. I did try "Break Free from OCD" previously but wondered if there are others I should try? Or should it just be CBT in general, not specifically for OCD? I have been trying to do what people have said. When I get thoughts I have told myself I don't need to think about it anymore because it doesn't matter. It was 6 years ago and everyone makes mistakes. I am trying to cut myself some slack like @malinasuggested. At first I felt okay with it. But now I am really starting to feel anxious. I'm trying to believe it doesn't matter and tell myself I don't have to think about it. I keep countering that without even realising by then automatically thinking that I have no right to not think about it. I keep thinking that I have to keep going over the night over again because it is wrong if I don't? Does this make sense? I'm trying not to give into it but it feels nigh on impossible. At the moment, I feel as though I did it without a doubt. I don't know how I should be feeling ?

Thank you for your nice words and intentions, it means a lot. I hope I get to a point where I can do this. For the sake of my partner more than anything as he is the victim here.

Thank you for your kindness, I don't mean to feel sorry for myself. You know you mentioned reading up on CBT, would this suffice instead of a therapist? I'm really not lying when I say I searched for a long time before I thought I found one clued up on OCD. I tried around four therapists and none seemed to be able to help before I got to the one I thought was ok. Also it was very expensive. I'm not even going to attempt going through my Dr as there is no point. Thank you for being so kind, it's appreciated. Thanks Malina. Maybe you're right. I think the conditional part makes it harder for me but I have no right to complain about it. Do you mind me asking about your old obsession that lasted 8yrs? I just wondered, how did you stop caring? And what do you think of it now? I don't think I will ever not think about this, it feels like this is me now. But. I think I thought the same about my last obsession (about my bf cheating) and now I never think of it and think it was overblown borderline psychotic. Thank you Polarbear, you have always given me good advice and must be sick to the back teeth of this. I appreciate it even though I may seem like I don't. I just don't seem to be able to do anything about this. I do feel like I have tortured myself but equally my partner has been tortured too and it's unfair. I would love to know what a non OCD person in my situation would do or how they would react, just so I could understand what a normal reaction would be or if my reaction is right. I didn't say anything to him or confess as like you say, he's heard it before. I think I just want him to just forgive me and then I can move on but that will never happen. It's also very selfish of me to expect him to do that. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Thanks again for the post Snowbear. Re the above. This is 100% what I do, you are right. I ignore it but still buy into it and this is one of the habits I have. When I'm at work I often tell myself I can't think about it right now, I'll do it later. I thought that was a good method but I guess not. I suppose I'm just deferring the thoughts. My therapist made me listen to myself saying what had happened on a recording and continue to listen to it. I didn't feel as though this helped at all. We did A and B, what is more likely given facts, etc. but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. He understood OCD and he had other clients with OCD but I didn't feel like it worked for me so I felt like a lost cause. I tried so many therapists and he was the only one who had experience in OCD so I've little faith in this route again. At this stage I'm really struggling to have any hope at all. I have been thinking of suicide a lot and considering quitting my job, just disappearing completely. But I'm even too cowardly to do that.

I'm really panicking. Should I just speak to him again about it? I can't sit here pretending that I am okay when I feel like bursting into tears. I can't carry on with this anymore. It would be best for him if he left me anyway as this isnt fair on him at all. And now since all of this has started, I am no longer physical with him, don't really make conversation with him, we don't go out anywhere or do anything, all because I feel that it's wrong if I do any of that. He often tells me he feels lonely. I know I've caused this and his life is ruined because of me.

Apologies, I will mention briefly but don't want to go into detail as I am already feeling really anxious and upset. I went on a night out 6 years ago. At the time was obsessing about my partner cheating on me and had been obsessed by this thought for around two years at the time, maybe longer. I decided to go on a night out and got drunk. I ended up being extremely flirty with another man. I believe I may have kissed him. I originally thought something sexual but now belive it may have been kissing. My obsession with this started two years after the night out. Prior to then, I don't think I thought anything had happened but I don't know if this was because I was too wrapped up in obsessing about my partner. I don't recall knowing about cheating previously and remember telling someone that nothing had happened before all this started. I know I'm a terrible, disgusting person and you will read this and think it's my own fault. I understand that. But I feel now that my life is ruined. Hi Malina. Hope you are well. I am not sure as I've warped everything and he refuses to speak to me about it so we haven't done so since. I think he said this, yes. I just don't know what to do. I never have. Currently fighting the urge not to talk to him about it all again but I know it just makes him angry. It would be kinder to him if I just left but financially it is unfair on him if I do. I'm trapped in a living hell but it's my own fault.

Also feeling very unusual today and felt the same over the past few days. My head feels foggy and 'messy', and I'm feeling very low. My mind is not letting me think of anything but I don't feel any better for it. Also extra anxious as returning to work and can't cope with it, my job has also been causing me extreme anxiety over the last year but I can't afford to leave or go off sick. I wish I could just sleep forever.

Thanks for the replies. I feel like a failure when I come here. I read about so many people doing well and overcoming their worries. They list what they've done, what they can do and how they'll do it. Their bad days contrasted with their good days. All I have is a self inflicted event from 6 years ago causing me worry and has continued to do so for 4 years. All my days are bad. I have no exposures to do as all my compulsion comprise of are repeatedly thinking about it day in day out 24/7 and linking it to everything I do. I carry on doing things even though it triggers thoughts because I know avoidance is wrong but it still happens and I still don't improve. Everyone here is making progress and change while I'm still where I was 8 years ago. What I'm trying to say is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get better. Do I even have anything to recover from? My therapist struggled in terms of exposure ladders because all I have are ruminations. I've tried CBT, EMDR, SSRI, yet I am still stuck in this same predicament. If my only compulsion is 'thoughts' or 'memories' then what am I supposed to do with that? I have tried ignoring it, occupying myself, agreeing with it, everything. This is what makes me think it's just a severe case of guilt and denial and not OCD. Anyone else would have made progress with all the intervention I've had. Sorry again for the negative post. I'm really not doing well.

Sorry. I want to enjoy my time at home, not thinking of this but can't. Really can't cope. Tired.

Are people more predisposed to suffering with 'longer' obsessions than others? I have been stuck with my current worry for 4 years, the one before that was 4 years before it immediately changed to this. I have rare occasions where something old crops up for maybe a day or two but I always revert to type again very shortly after. It seems others tend to have quite a fast 'turnaround'. Just curious. Thanks.