Headwreck

I honestly believe that the reason why I am struggling to overcome everything is because I have nothing outside of these worries. My life is my worries and anxiety. I have nothing to look forward to, no friends to spend time with, family are not interested. I have no money to spend on nice things or to do nice things with. When life is so insular and you are literally living one day to the next just to work whilst you're living hell in your head, there isn't a lot to be positive for or turn your mind to. I never thought I would end up like this.

Thanks Malina. Help is needed, although not happy with how it's came about. Outside of that I have nobody to turn to so feel like I'm crumbling. The numbness has gone and worry has returned. Want to confess to my partner but trying not to. It seems as though whatever I do I'm stuck in a living hell. Trying to take my mind off but nothing is helping. Also dreading work tomorrow as do not think I'm fit for the job and my confidence is as low as can be. I think I should quit my job and separate from my partner as I feel this would solve my concerns. At the moment everything feels wrong, very wrong. I desperately need to correct it. Will keep trying to take my mind off but nothing is cutting it right now.

This week has been terrible and I have hit rock bottom. My supervisors are now aware of my problems and have arranged treatment for me after they found out through concerns of a colleague. I feel uncomfortable knowing that others know. I am finding that my worry is cycling between two things. But rather than ruminating, it's as though the concerns are 'just there' and I'm numb, extremely miserable and resigned to feeling this way for good. I guess this is me coming to terms? It doesn't feel positive. I cannot explain it, not sure if anyone else can relate to this feeling? Have had it for a few days now. I can only describe it as feeling as though I've given up.

Thank you Polarbear and Dksea. Going to try and do better with everything today.

Well I almost booked the Dr today to get tested but I didn't do it even though I was desperate. Surely that is a good start? My partner doesn't seem worried and a doctor has told me it's like a 0.1% chance, basically his words were slim enough chance to stop worrying and forget it. But I don't know why I am, it's like I've stored it as another worry to my list. I think maybe the doctor didn't realise the cut on my knuckle was open very tiny amount even though I showed him the photo. It wasn't the best quality photo and the cut wasn't scabbed over, just closed where it wasn't bleeding and in the very early process of starting to scab. One minute I'm okay and then the next I remember what happened and then I'm not okay. I am currently wanting to bring it up to my partner to see if he thinks I should be worried. He usually says it's nothing to worry about but if I want to get checked then I should. So then the fact he says I should get checked makes me panic. I'm trying so hard not to talk about this to anyone. The cheating thing is still in the back of my mind too. This is such a horrible existence. Why can't I just be like everyone else.

I thought I was doing the right thing by thinking "just leave it for now and see by the weekend". I also keep looking at my knuckle even though the cut has gone, but it is making me think of what happened and starting to get extremely anxious. Trying to stop looking at it. My mood seems to affect this a lot. If I'm in an okay mood I can shrug some things off easier than others. This Hepatitis feels like another major worry I have to add to my list. I now have three I am cycling between at the moment and all of which will severely ruin the aspects of my life they are concerning. Relationship, work and health. It's like a full house. I only had the relationship worry to start with but in the past few months two new ones. Will just try and forget about this and focus on TV.

I have started worrying about the hepatitis again. I have given myself the compromise that if I'm still concerned by the weekend then I'll get tested. Does this sound like the right approach?

One of my work colleagues has since told me that they have OCD and were diagnosed in early teens. I told them I have OCD and they asked how I was suffering. When I told them how I was suffering specifically with cheating concerns ie 3 years accusing partner and 2 years accusing myself firstly believing I had done something sexual and then thinking kiss, they looked at me like I was nuts. So maybe it is not OCD and it's just me with typical 'beer fear' etc. I'm also concerned that they will tell everyone even though I begged them not to tell anyone. Yes my work has a lot of support systems in place. I was afraid I would be sacked but colleagues have told me numerous people have disclosed mental health issues and had support to the point where they have therapists assigned for months/years etc and support from supervision. So I have decided I will speak to them but not sure how to approach it as I'm new to the job. The contamination fear has died down now but the cheating has come back earlier this evening. What I don't get is that I have not been thinking about that for the past day or two but it's now as strong as a few days ago. I presume this will be tomorrow's flavour until the contamination worry is back.

But I can't understand how it wouldn't be a serious issue for anyone else? I think this is what is keeping me stuck. I've been working with a colleague over the past few days and she today has spoken to me confidentially and told me she has noticed my anxiety because she has a friend who suffers severely also, she said that she is going to disclose it to supervision so I can get support, they are able to provide CBT straight away along with other treatments. I'm worried I might lose my job and they will think I'm a drama queen. Nobody here knows about my OCD.

I just can't explain this at all. It's like I know it's all overblown and probably false but I can't stop.

The other day I thought this was stupid but then today I have had a stressful time as had to get an injection (I have severe needlephobia) and then I went into work and just fell apart. I will try to ignore. I feel as though I might wake up and think this is silly but then there will be something else (probably the night out and cheating) that will worry me instead. I can't keep up. The cheating I mentioned above was reference to my concern about kissing someone on a night out. If I have cheated as well as passed hep onto my partner then I am literally the worst person alive. But yes I understand what you all continue to tell me and appreciate it. But it seems completely impossible, I'm exhausted. My head tells me I am right for worrying to the point where it is wrong if I don't.

So what do I do here? Just ignore? I am starting to feel very anxious about it again and it is latching on to other things ie if I have this and then pass it to my partner and I have cheated then I will have literally ruined his whole life. The test takes months as well, I don't think I could wait for the length of time required. I wish none of this had ever happened. I thought things were bad before, didn't realise it could get much worse but it did.

I'm sorry to post again but I've had a meltdown at work and they had to take me to hospital for a reassurance visit to speak to an actual doctor about my fear that I had been contaminated. The doctor said there is always a possibility but it's extremely unlikely that I have hepatitis based on what I did and the amount of blood. He told me I can stop worrying. But this feels like it is not enough and I keep replaying what happened in my head and feel like I am contaminated. I also keep looking at the cut on my knuckle. I feel like the only way I can get over this is if I am tested. Please help, what can I do to stop this? I'm trying to distract but it is always there. I feel like my worries are adding up more and more, making me want to quit my job, break up relationship, and now possibly end my life if I have hep.

Yes Malina I have read what you have said a number of times and you are right. So I have booked another appointment for tomorrow and will insist on being put on a waiting list. They keep saying that because I'm in full time employment it is better for me to go private but I can't afford this. Thank you for your continued help, I really appreciate it. Thanks Dksea, I can understand what you and Malina are saying and it is absolutely right, but it is extremely hard to put into practice. Thankfully (but not really) I have been preoccupied with other worries over the past few days so have had a slight break from this. Seems sad that the only respite is in the form of another worry. And trying not to be concerned by a 'fresh' worry is extremely difficult even though it disappears after a few hours or a day and then this comes back. I am going to start my medication tomorrow as my anxiety is sky high, a colleague asked me yesterday if I suffered with anxiety because they can see how tense and how much I doubt myself. My checking has started to get worse again too and people are noticing at work.

Thanks Closed, it sounds very similar and maybe it is transferrable to other things. It would make sense that it could be, just find it odd that it seems to be seen as exclusive just to one or two themes and no other mention of how life is affected. The best example I can probably give at this moment is that I was worried about that hep issue I posted yesterday but now today I've woken up worried about something I disclosed to people in work about my childhood yesterday and I am panicking that they think I am 'damaged' and that they will report what I've told them back to others. I have the urge to tell my partner to gauge his reaction and see if it is as bad as I think but I am going to try not to. I know I will end up worried about something else tomorrow. I use my partner as a measurement of how bad something is an awful lot, because I don't think I can measure the level myself because it's always extreme when I do.