FantasyNerd98

Well...i got false nemories before but they are often about me doing something bad in the distant past...but now i just got a realistic short term false nemory..... never happened before... So i just applied for a night shift work and they handed me a paper to give my to my doctor and so on....... When i came home i remember that i had another paper that detailed the job and instruction about what i should do after applying.... i showed that paper to my mom too and we read it together.... And i lost that paper... i felt awful, my first job and i lose an important document..i kept thinking "they will fire me" "they will hate me"... and i kept thinking where i put that paper...i knew i had it when i went in the car on the way home I REMEMBERED HOLDING IT IN MY HANDS..... with the feeling of shame i went back to tell them that i lost their paper but they were closed. So yesterday i went in... and guess what ? There was no paper.... yeah... they only gave me one... the nemory of reading it to my mother and holding it in my hands was fake ..... the only paper they gave me was the one i gave to my doctor.... I feel like an insane person, i never had such a strong false nemory... I have a 100% realistic nemory of having and seeing 2 papers.... My friend also later applied for the job, and they gave him one paper.... I cant believe how real it feels like.... I know it was OCD because i was anxious and had obsessions about loosing that paper the whole day...

When i was 12 years old i was convinced that i shot and murdered a person....yeah... with a gun....We dont have guns where i live..... Its insane..... Sometimes i make REALLY sure that i closed the doors..... but when i got into the elevator i can see the door open and i have to return... then i find out the they are closed...

Im sorry.... this was just a nasty OCD spike combined with a panic attack.... i feel better now... friend is coming over now so we will watch some movies...

My fantasies are not wrong.... i like to be beaten up by a woman.... thats a normal BDSM thing..... The fact that i masturbated to every video of woman beating somebody up that i could find was sick and wrong..... and unfortunately one of those videos i saw was of a woman attacking a child.....

I just saw new stories about women that found out their husbands had child porn.... they were all devastated and reported their husbands to police and divorced them.... I know i havent watched child porn.... but i feel like by masturbating to that news report i mentioned earlier that im like them......... I feel like i did the same thing... only that it wasnt illegal...

Thank you for kind words (: im going to sleep too....

yes... the few friends that know about my ocd sometimes refuse to let me confess to them....

im not on therapy... im afraid to visit a doc...

i tried not confessing before and it ended bad.....

I been talking about this for the past 3 months ... i tried letting it be..... but its impossible....

There are things that cross the line and partner deserves to know...... she is also a human being ....

I want to leave this alone..... but i feel like a partner deserves to know things like that.... i feel like it would be disrespect towards her if i didnt told her

It happened becase im attracted to dominant women... and i have fantasies about being beaten up.... thats why i got aroused..... but it was a kid.....a kid..

I know its OCD.... but its true that she would freak out if i told her.... that what makes me think i did a horrible thing...

Also..... when i was a kid my father forced me to watch gore videos...... so maybe thats one of the reason why i was so desentized to things i saw online...... but i dont want to use my childhood trauma to apologize what i did

Thank you (: ..... but OCD is very inteligent...... it knows what to say to me....... If i told a girl that " i maturbated to child abuse"... i cant imagine her not freaking out...... thats why i believe that i did a really bad thing..... I know what i did was sexually unhealthy but...... idk how bad it is.... but 50+ people allready told me it was not THAT bad so... But still ... the shame and the guilt..... everybody has a breaking point

Yes im VERY anxious.... i feel like i did something that i cant get back from... i feel like i did something that will forever stay with me and i feel like i lost all my "innocence" by masturbating to those videos......To be clear... i have never seen anything illegal... i got aroused every time i saw a video of somebody being beaten up... because i fantasize about being beaten up.... Im tired.... im very tired.....i feel like a monster .... like a rotten person... like a sex offender....nothing that anybody says will give me reasurrance because i believe that everybody is being too nice to me and doesnt understand how ****** up the thing i did was..... I dont know why i made this thread... because nothing that anyone says can make me feel better...... I had a plan.... i picked a spot where i never seen people... and just when i got there to finish it some stupid bikers saw me and called police.... and im afraid to try it again... and im stuck living this life..... i cannot have a partner because i think i dont deserve to have one..... But at the same time... i know im not that bad of a person..... i do a pretty important thing to help people.... but i wont say what in case some of you might recognize me.... so i guess helping others might be the reason i will stay alive.... but this is not a life im enjoying..... The shame and the guilt is unbearable.... as of right now its midnight and i feel like im going to explode...... i dont know why am writing this... i just feel so alone....

I understand what you mean that we can masturbate to anthing as long as its not illegal and no one gets harmed... But what i masturbated to was a CHILD being abused........... I have a fetish for extreme domination... i fantasize about being killed...... i masturbated to murder videos i seen on liveleak..... i forgiven myself everything.... but i cant forgive myself the news report.... i cant forgive myself the news report because there was a child in it.... and that crossed the line for me.....

I confessed about the other videos to my friends too... and they just brushed it off again...

I know.... i masturbated to other stuff that was very weird and pretty disgusting..... but it has nothing to do with children..... but its not illegal so there is no point talking about that here.... sometimes i feel bad about that too.... so i guess that after i would confess about the news report i would have to confess about other weird stuff i masturbated to too...

This is what i want.... i want myself to be just another person with OCD worring about an unimportant thing... But something in me is telling me that what i did was nothing small and yes, i do have OCD but i actually did something unnaceptable...

I almost have panic attack when i think about what i did.... You can be sure i will never to it again ... you can be 100% sure of that.... I guess i also have PTSD because i feel very awful when i see something similar mentioned by somebody..... What i think about is if i crossed the line..... I want to treat my OCD.... but i believe i crossed that line and that i HAVE to confesse regardless of my OCD....

I heard that 4chan had problem with people posting child porn there..... If someone masturbated to that ? Its the same thing like i did......

I already punished myself enough...... now i worry about if i need to confess this to my partner.... I think that what i did was too serious and it crossed the line... If i watched child porn i would also not harm anybody........ And you cant say that watching child porn is something that someone could just forget about....

See ? Thats how rotten it is...