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jamie2011

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Everything posted by jamie2011

  1. Thanks for sharing the example of the incident with your sister. I can also see why you all felt you were keeping it quiet to save any worry from your parents. I wasn't able to talk about it in the end. I thought of possibly emailing my sibling to test it out with them and see what they think would work best, but again backed out of doing that too. I guess there is some weird thinking behind it. Basically when I feel bad and am really struggling I do my best to hide it and pretend everything is fine. I find it hard to show the true depths of where I go. I am worried that if I share, but then find myself in the same place in the future I won't be able to hide it. I don't want anyone worrying if I haven't replied to a text or not answered a call. It has taken many years to get to this point where I feel like there is some level of trust. What happened in November isn't the first time it has happened. I struggle knowing about one particular time where I collapsed in front of one of my parents. From that time on they were very anxious about knowing where and what I was doing. Gradually as time has gone on it has eased. I am scared if I share what happened recently it will bring certain emotions/fears to the surface. Not just mine, but their too. We never talk about all the previous times, but I know they wont have forgotten it, I surely haven't. I think for now I will just leave it be and see how things go. Yes it is way too cold to be out in the garden, when it is like this you need to be in the warm where you can relax and take it easy. Today has been a very strange one for me. I am not sure how to quite explain it, but my mind has felt free. I have not had any thoughts that raise anxiety, I have not been going over different scenes, repeating conversations, nothing. I have just gone about my day in a very relaxed way. It felt so strange to experience that. I would happily like to experience more like that. I guess it helps with that change of daily routine. I have also started reading a lot more now, forgot how much I enjoyed it. I was always reading, but over the years it wasn't always there. I also did something different yesterday. I bought myself a dvd of a stand up comedian. I never put on dvds due to lack of concentration and having to be in bed at a certain time. Last night I put it on and watched the whole show, plus it made me laugh out loud a few times, which was a bonus. It made such a difference than watching the exact same thing on tv all the time. Also had a nice conversation with my neighbour, I normally avoid this due to anxiety. We spoke for about 20 mins and I even got to see her baby, who has just started to smile. That made my day. It makes such a difference being connected with people. I have spent so long avoiding others. Looking over things recently I know I avoid a great deal. I know I do this because I know certain situations/people trigger certain thoughts. After seeing my neighbour and the baby I started thinking the baby was going to die. I know the best thing to do is face up to it and not avoid. Can I ask a strange question, well it might not be strange. Since my mood has improved and I have made these small changes I have noticed that I feel less motivated to spend time with certain people I usually would. So I have two friends that I have known for quite a while. As of late I feel like there is some kind of change. I don't know how to explain it. So for example, one friend who I meet is kind of in a similar position (no employment/unwell due to mental health). We were due to meet and I cancelled. I know what the conversation would have been, what would have been asked, same old same old. I also knew that I would have been asked how the assessment went. In general I felt I didn't want to do this anymore. I feel awful about it, but it is almost like I am viewing that the friendship wasn't the healthiest. There is also a part of me that doesn't want to talk about my mental health anymore. I don't mean to completely ignore it and hide from it. More that I am done talking about my past, my experiences in life up until now etc. I have realised that all of that is just painful and I don't want to focus on it anymore. I guess I am asking if anyone has experienced that when they feel a bit better that their relationship with others change? That the relationship is viewed differently. I guess I am just feeling a little bit of guilt about the feeling of not wanting to see my friends at the moment. That perhaps I am starting to think about the future a bit more and what I would like to do. I have had moments where I have thought about a few things. Like maybe having the opportunity to watch my nephew play football and even play some with him. Right now I don't think it is possible, but I would like to do it. I am trying to hold on to those things because they mean something to me and hopefully if I get the treatment I can get to a place where I can do these things. Sorry for the length of this and for talking so much. I am trying to get my head around things. The built up emotion that I need to release, the realising that perhaps I am not the awful person I think I am, that there may come a time where I can function in a way that is good enough for me.
  2. Yes I do hold a lot in and on the surface always present as though there are no problems at all. There have been so many feelings going round and am just trying to deal with them as best as possible. I spoke with my CPN and she tried to help see that at the moment the change in emotions is just triggering me (even good emotions). That it is setting off fear, which is my normal response. That I am not in danger now, but my body thinks it still is. So I am trying to hold on to that. I guess I am just so scared at times. Where I just go off to a place where my thinking isn't healthy. I can see how I just need to let the thoughts be there and accept that they are just thoughts. Thanks I know I made the changes, but your support helped give me the courage to take the risk and test it out. I don't think I would have also been able to be as honest in the assessment without your wise words. I have some plans for the weekend. Not sure if it is taking it easy. I am undecided about opening up to one of parents about what happened at the end of last year and how bad things have been. Part of me feels it is time to be more open, because it may help in the future if things get bad. My only worry is that this will devastate them and they will worry. I have spoken with my CPN about being more open in important relationships and that the more I hide stuff, the more worried people will be. If they know what is going on (even if bad) it is easier to manage. So I am trying to work that out right. I hope you have some nice plans for the weekend?
  3. Hi Hal, thank you for that last message. I am so grateful for the support you have given me these last few weeks. So yes now the assessment has been done. I was so exhausted afterwards and just couldn't think straight. I was able to use the assessment to talk about everything. I was honest about what I struggle with. We spoke about all the different treatments I have had, what my circumstances are now (daily life) and we spoke a lot about my history. Emotionally it was tough. I had to express to the professional that I don't show my anxiety or struggles outwardly, so most people wouldn't realise anything is wrong. I spoke about my emotions and that I don't really express much. That I have a wall that goes up without any thought going in to it. They told me that during the assessment they could see it happening at different points. I was honest about the recent suicide attempt and how it is something that comes up often. It was tough listening to the feedback. The person doing the assessment expressed that they weren't surprised with how things are now because of my experiences going from childhood up until recently. That basically my body is always on high alert for danger. We discussed that it seems growing up it was too difficult to see that others were dangerous, so I turned it on myself and felt I was to blame for everything. That it was my fault for what happened and for myself now. I guess it was very hard to have my feelings validated and everything to be seen. That I mattered. So by the end I was told that the difficulties are in OCD, GAD and complex-ptsd. That the hope would be to use CBT to treat the OCD, but there would also need to be some work on tapping in to my emotions. They said that tapping in to the emotions will help with the CBT to work. They are looking at specialist treatment, but I will have to wait to hear back and that funding may need to be done through NHS England. I don't really understand the funding situation or what the treatment will entail. I guess I will just have to wait. The worst thing is even now I am still doubting everything. I was told yesterday that it is definitely OCD and that is part of the condition to doubt even if it is true. Thinking maybe they got it wrong and I don't need specialist help. Going over everything I said to them in the assessment. Maybe it will settle down, I don't know. I just think it will take a while to sink in. I try not to think about certain things and yesterday I didn't hold back with them. Talking so openly just got me in touch with things that have really caused a lot of hurt, that I carry around. So it is just quite overwhelming in that sense. I am glad it is done now, just don't want to spend my time obsessing over everything I said and thinking I have made things out to be worse than they are.
  4. Hi Hal, Apologies for not replying sooner. I hope you are feeling much better after your cold. I really don't know how I feel right now. Tomorrow is the assessment and I am feeling a little stressed. My head is all over the place. I have realised that I have spent a lot of time recently trying to work out what I am struggling with. My fear being it isn't OCD as already mentioned. I can now see that my researching over and over is trying to find an answer to make me feel better, but it hasn't actually happened. I have also realised that by doing all this research it has taken distracted me from my obsessive thoughts about conversations/imagining scenes with my CPN/Psychiatrist and others. It seems my mind has focused totally on the assessment. My fears about being told there isn't anything really wrong, that they can't help. Then I am scared about the possibility of treatment. I cannot win. I am a bit worried now. I am scared of slipping back to that place I was two weeks and more ago. It has been a relief to not be feeling the desperation I had. I feel like I have been distracted and that after the assessment everything will come right back in. I am scared to hear that my thoughts are not anxiety based. I just cannot deal with the thought of being an attention seeker. That I want to be ill. It has been a nightmare filling in the questionnaires for the assessment. Questioning if my answers are to make things look worse, that the questions don't really relate to my struggles. I just feel like the questionnaires cannot explain my situation. That the questions will not make things clear. I wish I didn't need to fill them in. I am also concerned because I have seen that the criteria for treatment states that recent/current suicidal thoughts would exclude for treatment. I don't know if they are aware of what I did recently. That even after that event there was a high risk. I am still on weekly prescriptions. Since the new medication I have been better and haven't seriously felt like I would do anything. However how do I explain to them that my anxiety/obsessive thoughts lead me to feel suicidal. So for example I fear dying, yet when it overwhelms me it makes me feel suicidal. My fear of being sick also at times makes me think of suicide rather than be sick. I just don't know how I will be helped. There is a chance I will be excluded from treatment because of recent events. How can I face treatment if it is offered, when my fears make me feel suicidal. Although the last two weeks I have had no plans to do anything. I just don't know. I think fear and anxiety has set in. I am scared of what is to come.
  5. I am sorry to be posting again. I have been really worried about the assessment coming up and my thoughts have gone a little crazy. Last night they overwhelmed me and I just couldn't relax. I was literally thinking about the nature of my thoughts and that if this genuinely isn't intrusive thoughts then I don't deserve any help. I really am starting to question myself as a person and who I am. I am so confused right now. I want to understand my need to think the thoughts I have. I cannot help, but think I have more control over them. I have been going over the length of time certain thoughts have been going on. I cannot help, but think I am one messed up person. I have had so many different diagnosis over the years and now I worry that I will look like a complete idiot at the assessment. That what I think is OCD isn't OCD. I have mentioned the thoughts before in a previous post. The ones that I have had from under the age of 11. They destroy any sense of belief in myself as a good person. I really need to speak to a professional about this, because in over 12 years of therapy I have never fully expressed it. I hate carrying it round with me. My last therapist I got close to it and wish I had been able to say more before it ended. I know it isn't likely to be OCD related, but how does one stop getting attached to others. I understand why it happens and possible reasons, but it doesn't stop it. Then when that happens I question everything about myself, instead of thinking it happens to fulfil a need I had as a child, I think I am just an attention seeker. That I make everything out to be worse than it is. I am going over things I have said since a child and whether it is all a lie. I have one big achievement in my life and right now I wonder if that only happened because of being attached to specific person. Like I didn't deserve it. That all my hard work in getting there wasn't because of my love for the said activity, it was just for someone else. How does one begin to speak about these things. I don't enjoy the thoughts at all. When I get moments that I am not thinking about others it feels so nice. I feel free. However they soon return. I don't know anymore. Just freaking out about it all. I just want to be able to speak about it and move on to a place where this doesn't happen or it doesn't torture me. I just feel like I need some real help and that I am too messed up for CBT. That I need some other help.
  6. Thank you for your response. I guess I find that I can get overwhelmed quite quickly. I can start to feel a little positive and then things just hit me. It has been difficult without having heat, but I think I am used to it now. It was only a few days ago when I was stood in my kitchen thinking that there may come a time where I will want to have a warm flat, that I don't have to resort to getting under the duvet. Because every winter that is what I do. I saw the support worker today, they were really helpful and we tried to think of activities I can try and get involved in. Not straight forward because everything sets of anxiety. Being involved in sport is a major part of my life, but has been restricted for many years. We were trying to think of activities that are free/low cost, We touched on volunteer work, but again this felt a little too much. Then spoke about possible applying for PIP (I was turned down a while ago, got 0 points). I have looked at what they wrote when they felt I shouldn't be awarded and don't think I will apply again. The support worker explained that if I was awarded it, this may help in getting involved in more activities. I have just sat down and had a look at my incomings/outgoings and didn't realise how little I am left with each month. Which has made me think about my heating. Even if it was fixed, I probably would worry about the cost of using it. Things just seem to have hit me a bit now. Earlier I felt relieved to be having this support from everyone. Now I just don't know. All I want is to be living life. Not just existing. This just feels like one long battle that has been going on for way too long. Before I forget I cannot speak highly enough of running (long distance). I really do hope you can get back in to it. From personal experience when I have done running on a regular basis it has always made me feel great. I always say when I trained for my marathon that is the best I have felt in many years. When I look back I am surprised at what I did. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that. I don't know what your schedule is like, but hopefully at some point you can get a run in and then work from there. I know deep down suicide is not the solution, but I find it difficult to imagine a different existence for myself. I have almost no confidence in my ability to work/be employed, constantly worried, constantly anxious. I think right now I just have to focus on going to the assessment and see what they say. I cannot do much else until then.
  7. I do feel good about the change in routine around eating. It has made a big difference to my day in terms of spreading everything out. I have noticed I am now finding I am eating better. For a long time I could not find it in me to decide what to eat because I had no fancy for anything. At times just making a sandwich for dinner. I am still feeling sick a lot, but have realised it has been there since the start of the added medication. So more than likely just take some getting used to. Spreading it out also means I am getting up later, spending less time in bed doing nothing and going to bed later. I also don't feel so controlled by what time it is. I know the anxiety is still there, I don't set a time to eat, but it is still roughly around the same times if I am not doing anything that day. I am also still having to drink a set amount each day. So I know I need to work on this. I feel a little all over the place right now. I cannot work out how I feel about everything. I am having moments where I feel more positive and start thinking that things might actually change so much that I can start enjoying life. I have made a few choices in the past week to try and be more proactive. I have agreed to meet a support worker who will try and help me get my heating sorted. I haven't had heating for 7 years and have just endured the cold every winter. My psychiatrist and CPN suggested the support worker can help me with my landlords. I declined the offer towards the end of last year. My psychiatrist also tried to refer me for treatment on an injury that hasn't healed after 5 years, so that I can hopefully try and get back in to some exercise. Again I pulled away from doing it. However today I saw the GP who has now booked me in for an appointment with a sports clinic to see what they can do. This has been very hard to do. I have spent so long ignoring my needs because of anxiety or feeling I don't deserve things. I don't always take care of myself and feel like if I go back to when I was younger, I feel I have lost so much of myself. So for once I am trying to do things that will hopefully improve my life. Then comes the anxiety. It just seems to hit me so easily. I get anxious over so many things. Some things that I are just normal everyday things for any adult living life. I get triggered all the time. I am still finding myself getting caught in moments where I think the fear of being alive is too much and that I will never function as one would want to. It is when it hits me I just consider my options and do wonder if suicide would put an end to it. I feel like a failure for not being as independent as I would like. To earn my own money through employment, to not rely on benefits. That is a big one for me. One of my siblings has had it pretty tough trying to raise a family and survive. They have worked a night shift, come home and then gone straight to another job, without any proper sleep. Have had to walk miles to jobs just to survive. When I know they are doing that, they are doing the best they can, whilst I am not working and getting help via benefits. It is just something I always struggle to accept. Today I have really tried to think about the things I would like to do. You know if I wasn't anxious or fearful, what would I be doing. If I could take anything away, what would it be. I guess I am also trying not to worry about the assessment. If I think about it too much it just overwhelms me and again leads me to think about suicide. I know it may sound weird, but it is almost the fear of not being offered treatment or being offered treatment and me failing to get better or offered treatment, but it wont be funded. I think right now I am just trying to do my best to maintain the progress I have made in the past week.
  8. Don't want to intrude on the above posters thread, but thank you for posting that link. I can relate so much to what you have written. Something I am struggling a lot with right now, but you have explained it very well.
  9. Thanks for the replies. Hal - Well I managed to meet with my friend. I was tempted to pull out, but this time last year I had done that when they were visiting then. I didn't want to do the same. It was really nice to catch up. One thing that was nice was that whilst we were out I wasn't worrying about getting home at a certain time. So there was no build up of anxiety. The only thing that I struggled with was when I got home I felt sick. So for a while I was highly anxious, worrying was it what I had eaten, but then eventually felt it was more the case of the change in eating/drinking at different times. In all it went well. I have still maintained the change of routine since, but it seems I am struggling more with other things. Last night I felt my mood dip. I am worried about the assessment. I keep going over and questioning my difficulties and if they are valid. That I will be assessed and they will find that there isn't a issue. I have been going over things I have said and done in the past questioning why I said/did what I did. It is mostly questioning whether I have been making everything up for attention, that I want to be seen as unwell. I am questioning my feelings towards people around me. So my nan died when I was young and I think this was a major event that has impacted on my fear of death, due to things I saw at the time. Over the years I have often discussed this and spoken about how much she meant to me. Now I am like maybe it isn't true, maybe it is just a lie. Maybe I have just made the whole experience to be something that it isn't. There have been more thoughts/conversations around others in my mind that just make me feel again that everything I do it for attention. So an example is I will think my CPN might text me to arrange a new appointment, I then think that I will leave it a while before responding, then my thought is that this will make her think something is wrong. Hence me then coming to the conclusion because I am thinking this I must want for her to be concerned. These are the type of things I have going on in my head. I know if she did text I wouldn't ignore it for long, but that doesn't seem enough. These thoughts are driving me crazy. Last night I was just thinking that I don't deserve to be alive if this is who I am. Then with that I am thinking am I saying that so that people are still concerned. I just seem to be questioning everything about me as a person. I just don't know what to do at the moment. I am so worried about the assessment a great deal, worried that I won't be able to share the detail of these thoughts/conversations in my head because I am so ashamed of them. I desperately want to understand it, because I have never actually been able to talk about them in detail. Over the years I have always wanted to let them go and be open, but I have never been able to. I am so scared that I am going to be told that it isn't a problem with anxiety and that I just want to be cared for. Then this will confirm my fears.
  10. Thanks for the replies. Hal - Yes I think there is a kind of momentum that follows from starting the day differently. There are moments where I feel like I would slip back, but I am trying to see what it feels like to be less obsessed about what time it is and whether I should be eating/drinking. Last night I was feeling pretty bad, but tried to still go to bed a little later than normal. Then this morning I woke up over an hour later than usual. It actually felt nice. Taking away the idea of set times seems to make me feel more relaxed. However I can see the problem of my thinking. I have a friend who doesn't live in the UK and they are over for a short while. We have arranged to meet today for lunch. Part of me is wanting to pull out, due to the time we are meeting, worrying about eating in front of them and eating certain food. I don't know if I can do it or not. Just trying to go with the flow. The problem with the thought of bad things happening just gets to me so much. I really do wonder if it isn't actually a problem with OCD. I cannot explain it properly. I just so wish I knew what was going on. I really do hate myself for my thoughts. I mentioned some of it in a previous post about going through conversations/scenes. That is part of the problem. It goes back a long time. Since a young age I have got attached to others. I will have these conversations/scenes go over. I worry about them leaving/dying or their family dying. I just cannot stop the thoughts. Every time it happens I hate myself a bit more and question why I am doing this/thinking this. Over the years there have been so many people this has happened with. Every time I am in the particular persons company I question what I say or what I do. For example "am I do this for attention". It has happened at school, at sports clubs, college, volunteer work, employment, with professionals etc. I find it hard to be around others because of this happening. I can't cope with it. Last night I was just thinking I don't deserve the help. Why can't I just be around others without constantly thinking about them, thinking up conversations/scenes. I have had enough of it. I just keep coming to the conclusion that it must mean that I want attention, that I want people to feel sorry for me so on. That is all I can think of. I just cannot make sense of it. I just feel like a horrible person for this.
  11. I really need some feedback if anyone has it or can relate. Maybe even ways to manage. I have noticed of late that I have started to obsess about people dying. Lately it has been my mum or my neighbours baby. I keep thinking something is going to happen and things are going to be taken away. Today things have got a bit more stressful. I just cannot understand why this happens. So I was due to see my CPN today and she had to cancel because she was ill. I have no problem with that. But now I am wondering what the problem is, has she come down with something or is it something more serious. Maybe she isn't ill and someone in her family has died. Then I was reading a new story about someone being murdered and I am thinking it could be someone related to her. I haven't struggled with this for a long time. I do often worry about bad things happening, but this is harder to deal with. I keep thinking that me just thinking these things can make it happen. Part of me is starting to think I cannot see her anymore, so I don't have to worry about anything happening. I hate this. I hate myself for getting so worried about bad things happening. I had started to feel a little more positive. Have done two days of changed routine and felt a little hopeful, but now I just feel like I cannot deal with it.
  12. I think your suggestions make a lot of sense and can be worked towards. I have been thinking about them today. Well today has been positive. Last night I didn't set an alarm, hoping I would possibly wake up a bit later. I knew waking up later would cause anxiety, but just tried to go with it. Turns I was awake the time I normally get up. I decided to try and hold out for a bit, so stayed in bed for about 15 mins longer before having breakfast. Then instead of eating lunch at my normal time I went to the café for a tea, did a bit of shopping before coming home to eat at 10:30am. I was then going to have my next tea, but tried to ask myself if I felt like I needed out of thirst or because of my set times. I decided to go to my Mum's. I didn't tell her about my change of routine, just spent an hour or so talking before she had to go out. I haven't had dinner yet, so just holding out a little longer. I am pleased my anxiety hasn't been too bad, but I do expect this to be a challenge. I don't think this is something that will change very easily. I know how easy I go back in to it when I feel the anxiety. I have felt tired all day and have had a bad headache. I know it sounds weird, but I think my body reacts physically to the change of routine. My body is so used to these set times. I have also found that my emotions seem to be all over the place. Since I have been reaching out and connecting with others I have felt so emotional. This past week I feel like I have felt emotions that have been shut off for a very long time. I don't know how to deal with it. I have always shut down my emotions and very rarely let things out or even let feelings in. Now it feels like I am in touch with so much. I feel like I need to let things out, mainly I feel like I need to cry, but I just find it so hard to. It feels so strange.
  13. Hi Hal, no need to apologise for when you were able to reply. I understand everyone has different things going on. I have been trying to think of how I can manage the assessment day with regards to eating times/drinking times. Haven't come up with a solution yet. I have long forgotten what it is like to eat because I am hungry rather than because of what time it is. Earlier on in the year I did manage two days where I delayed eating lunch, but I just couldn't manage it much longer and went straight back to my usual times. So for example at the moment I have breakfast/bottle of water at 5:15am, tea at 8am, lunch at 8:50am, tea at 9:30am, snack at 10:45am, tea at 11:45am, bottle of water at 1:30pm, dinner at 2:15pm and tea at 5:30pm. When I did the two days where I held off I had lunch around 10:30am. If I have been out with others and it gets near my time of eating I feel like I have to rush to get home or if I go past my time I wont cook will only have a sandwich. If I have visited family I take food with me and eat it on the way there. I have had times when out with family and if I start getting anxious about eating as soon as possible I start to get annoyed and don't calm down until I have eaten. I know I have been avoiding being around others to stop getting annoyed around others. I still cannot workout the whole reason why I do this, it has been like this for around 15 years. The times haven't always been the exact same, but the issue has been there. I cannot even remember what it is like to just spend a day without trying to keep to these times. I know there is a part of me that is saying I will just have to not follow the times on the day of the assessment. That I just need to accept that I cannot eat/drink at set times for that day. I think one option right now is to try and change some of the times I eat leading up to the assessment. I just struggle to do it when the day comes. The worry about the toilet is that I worry about needing the toilet and not being able to find one. Again this problem has been there a long time, around 22 years now. I am much better now than at some points in the past, but it is still restrictive. Before travelling I have to check train times there and back, so I don't have to wait too long for the journey. Again I have stopped being around others when travelling because I get really angry when the anxiety goes up. I don't want to get in to arguments because of my anxiety. I have pulled out of things because of the worry of needing the toilet and worrying about travelling. Last night I got a little overwhelmed with the worry about the assessment. I know I need help, but I am so scared about what I may have to do to get better. I know I have no life right now and haven't for a while, but I am so petrified. Sometimes I wish I could even just wake up in the morning without the need to do this at a set time to eat at a set time. I often wonder what it would be like to wake up when I am ready to and just be relaxed. I am trying to be positive, but I am scared that my fear of facing things will push me too far.
  14. Thanks for your help again, I appreciate your support. The assessment is in just over two weeks. I think your suggestion about writing things down is helpful. I have considered this. My struggle is that I feel like even writing it down won't explain it properly. There are things that are easier to explain than others. Then there are some things I do that I don't even know clearly why I do it. I just get so confused over it all. I want to try and understand things a bit better because there are times I just carry out actions without evening thinking. I don't know if it is because it has been going on so long. Also I know I avoid a lot of things purely to not get anxious and be in situations I fear. Like one of my problems is that I eat/drink at set times. So when I have my assessment it is at a set time and will last up to 2 hours. I am going over how I am going to eat/drink around that time. So I won't drink whilst travelling for fear of needing the toilet/train getting stuck. I won't drink before the assessment. I won't drink after because of travelling home and having the same problem. When I leave I will probably have food with me (I can't wait until I get home), but feel I can't eat it until I have had a drink (bottle of water). I know this all sounds so ridiculous and I cannot work out what the problem is. So even getting to the assessment is worrying. This doesn't even take in to account of fear of travelling places and not being able to get home. I guess the one thing I want to understand about my thoughts is confusing. The other things I can understand because the fear seems easy to understand. but this one not so much. It is a combination of different things. I know the fear is that I am an attention seeker, that I am making things up, that there is nothing wrong. That my thoughts show me that I want bad things to happen. I get frustrated beyond belief that I cannot stop it from happening. I will try and explain. Since I was a kid I have struggled with having scenes play out in my mind. I will try and think of an example. So I could be walking down the street and start thinking of getting a call to say that my Dad has had a heart attack and died (it could be anything, he killed himself etc), then I go through my reaction and then me telling someone. The other night I had thoughts of walking in to my Mum's and finding her dead. Another one is I could think about having an appointment with my CPN and going over different themes where I start crying or have a panic attack, I may see myself leave the room etc. I go over thoughts of if I attempted suicide and someone would find me. I am not sure if that makes sense. The thing is nothing happens in any of these things (stories/images), there is no thoughts on what others say or do. It is just a constant process of things going over and over. Also I actually cannot stand having focus on me, I do anything in my power to not show emotion in front of others. I have been in appointments with my CPN where I have shut down. I hold back from reaching out because I fear this shows I want attention. I have had experience where if I speak out I go over if it is for attention or if I don't speak I am doing it for attention. I also replay conversations that have happened over and over. So I will get it in my head and go over what was said. I also have conversations play over that haven't happened. An example could be a conversation with someone about me having these conversations in my head. Conversations about daily things that go on of no real importance. I have to say I have actually never had any of the conversations in real life. They drive me mad. I have at times tried to prevent it. So I listen to music a lot. If I am out I have music on, when I sleep I have the radio on. I if the TV is not on the radio goes on. It goes further where I question my actions around others. Like I have had appointments with my CPN where I have shut down where I could not look at her and talk. I spent time silent and staring at the floor. It was awful, but I now go over this and question whether I do it so she is worried. It has happened with people when I worked and when I have done volunteer work. It has been a problem since I was young. I hate myself for it. Sometimes I feel like not being around others is the best thing then I cannot go over situations/conversations or have thoughts about things happening. My neighbour has recently had a baby and due to a situation I was concerned that there was a lot of stress. So the other day I got her a card/gift and just said to her that it was something for her to treat herself and have some alone time (she has other children). I did it because I wanted her to know that I was concerned and that I hoped she was ok. A few days after she knocked on my door and she gave me a small gift. She said she did it because I am a good neighbour and a really nice person (that really touched me). Then straight after I was like "did I get her a gift for show, to make it look like I care, so she would thank me and give me a gift", then I start thinking her baby is going to die. I don't know if any of this has made sense. I just find it hard to explain it fully. All I know is that I have always hated myself as a person. I question who I am as a person. Am I selfish, do I do things for attention, do I care about anyone else, do I just make it look like I care so on. As a child I believed my parents separated because I had thoughts of it happening, I had scenes play out as a young kid. If I think about people dying I question whether I want people to die so I get attention. I cannot even spend time with my nieces or nephew without questioning whether I really care about them or are interested in them. Which is so hard because I have always been close with them. When I saw my nieces before Christmas I was trying to work out if I felt anything when I hugged them to determine whether I really care. I just feel like my whole sense of a person is being questioned. Truth is I cannot cope with others suffering, I would struggle if these things really happened. I never really admit to how bad things are. Even now my mum has no idea about how bad things have been recently. What I did over a month ago could have actually ended up with me not being here. I spent weeks after feeling physically unwell and hid it from her, even though I met her every weekend. I haven't been able to tell her about the assessment (she asks all the time if I have heard). I actually hold back a lot. I do lots of things with regards to contamination, counting, repeating phrases, not travelling places and lots more that do restrict me, but the above is what troubles me the most as a person and I question my worth.
  15. Sorry for not replying sooner. Have been meaning to sit down and do so, but never quite got round to it. The addition of the medication has been ok so far. I am only on half a tablet until tomorrow. Haven't had too much problems. At the moment all I have felt is a little tired the following morning/afternoon. One bonus is I feel a little more relaxed, there is anxiety there, but it doesn't feel so overwhelming. I have had my moments where things hit me and I feel so hopeless. I just keep thinking that I don't know how anything will help with my thinking. A lot of my anxiety and fears are over things that I know we have little control over. I know that in reality nothing I do will stop some of them, but I still avoid so many things and restrict. I am also pretty sure that I have other difficulties alongside the OCD that are making things difficult. I am just hoping that with the assessment things will be a bit clearer. There are things that I struggle with that I don't know why I do. I try explaining it to others, but can never fully get what I mean by it or what it feels like. I also struggle to admit it because I fear professionals won't see it correctly and make a judgement that is wrong. I have been told that when I go for the assessment I need to say everything, but not sure if I can. I tried when I saw my psychiatrist but I couldn't do it or explain properly. There is one thing that bothers me so much and has done for years. I hate myself for it and get frustrated doing it. Sorry probably doesn't make much sense.
  16. So the situation was sorted in the end. My psychiatrist called back and said it seems the availability of the first choice medication hadn't been fixed. So he has given me an ssri to take with my current medications. So there is no need to reduce any medication as first thought. I am not sure how I feel about taking three different medications, but right now I will take anything that will help just ease things. I know medication takes a while to get in to the system and show if it is helping so will have to take it as it comes. So for not it will be about managing feelings whilst waiting for my assessment.
  17. Thanks. Seems things have been taken out of my hands with the medication situation. I spoke with the psychiatrist, tried to be a bit more honest about things. Always feel like I am not quite explaining things as I would hope. I told him that I have so many thoughts that go through my head, fears and worries. That I never quite know how to explain it all. We agreed to change the medication as planned, starting at a low dose. He informed me that the delay in arranging this was due to a change in where the medication is manufactured and wasn't available, but now it is. So I went to numerous pharmacies who all said they have non in stock and cannot order any in. I called the reception of my psychiatrist to see if he could call me back. A member of the team called me and said they would speak to him, but I still haven't heard anything. My psychiatrist is due on annual leave, so if nothing is changed now I will be waiting until our next appointment. I am not feeling great. I know medication doesn't fix everything and that therapy will be the best thing, but I really need something to just take the edge off of things. I felt a little better with the idea that we could try and see if new medication helps. Now I just feel deflated. It looks like I will just have to stay on what I am on, which I have been on for many years now. Not sure what else to do. I don't have it in me to call them back. So will just have to wait and see if they get back to me. Not really what I needed.
  18. Thank you again for taking the time to respond and trying to help. I know my CPN is right about me holding back. There were a few things I was holding back because I was scared of what might happen. I do actually trust her and she is the one person I haven't had to pretend when I have seen/spoken to her. She has said I can text/call whenever needed and we can discuss whatever I need to. I just hold back a lot because I feel guilty about taking up her time. The truth is I struggle a great deal and sometimes waiting two weeks for an appointment feels impossible. I hate that it has got that bad. I hate feeling like I cannot cope. I let her know I had my assessment date and she said we can discuss that when we meet. I know I should be pleased I have this date set now, but I am so scared about what may come of it. I am due to see her next week and will hold off until then if possible. I am due to see the psychiatrist tomorrow. Not sure how it will go or what I will be able to say. Feeling a little apprehensive. I know I need to be honest.
  19. Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it. It is such a struggle trying to carry on as normal around others. The three options that were mentioned was, being discharged from the service and being put on another team (but that would mean not seeing my CPN and psychiatrist anymore), my CPN thinks that would make things a lot worse as I have built up a good relationship with her and my psychiatrist. The second was hospital, again she felt this wouldn't be helpful and lastly the crisis team. I did tell her I wouldn't want any of those options. I last spoke to my CPN last week and tried to be as open as possible, but she told me she thinks I am filtering out what I say because I am worried about what she will think, say or do. That she feels I am trying to reassure her. She told me I need to trust her and we can talk things through. She was right, I have been scared to say things because I cannot cope with those three options. So I have been saying little things here and there. In the hope I can get some release. I guess with the medication, I feel like it wouldn't be healthy for me to just take something to knock me out, but I do wonder if it would be different this time. When I last took it I was exercising obsessively everyday and not eating very much, so wonder if that would have had an impact on the physical side effects. Also I remember that when I took it I stopped the exercise and wasn't anxious about it. So there is a chance it may help me. Oh I don't know, I will have to try and think about this and try and be honest with the psychiatrist.
  20. Hi, thanks for your advice. Sorry for not responding sooner. I do try and limit times of stress, won't be so easy the next few days. I guess this is a bit of an update and I also need some advice. My mental state hasn't improved that much. I do have support, but it is a stage where depending on what I say certain things may need to be put in to place. The professional I see is aware of how bad things are and have said that there are three options should I say certain things. I don't want any of these options so have to hold back on what I say. Right now the Samaritans are the only people I can fully be honest with, even though I know the healthy thing is for those supporting me professionally to know. Since I last spoke I have received a date for an assessment (which will be funded), I felt a slight bit of relief, but now just complete fear of what may happen and their suggestions of treatment. On top of that I was asked to see my psychiatrist later this week to see him face to face regarding the change over of medication. This is where I need some advice. My psychiatrist wants me to start taking clomipramine. The problem that I have with this is. I tried taking this over 10 years ago and physically it was impossible to be on it. It completely knocked me, I couldn't read a thing because of blurred vision and whenever I stood up felt like I was going to pass out. I had to come off of it. I haven't told my psychiatrist this and I know if I do he probably wont start me on it. The reason I haven't told him is because I feel so bad I want to be knocked out. I have come to a point where I would happily not be able to think/feel and if that means being dosed up then that is fine by me. I know deep down that I need to be open with the psychiatrist, but I am so desperate that I feel like not saying anything. I kind of know what people may suggest, but I just don't know how to be honest.
  21. Thank you so much for your replies. I am just very sorry for not getting back sooner. I appreciate your comments and support. Things have been a bit up and down. By Monday I had got to a place where I had made some decisions. I was at breaking point. At that point I actually broke down, which is rare for me. I text my support worker and explained that there are things I have not been able to say and that when I see them next can they help me try to open up. That with the situation as it is it needs to be done. I really wanted to speak to them, but didn't have the courage. I didn't express my urge to pull out of funding. I am due to see them soon and am feeling stressed. I am still waiting regarding the medication change. I have now found out the psychiatrist wants to see me face to face again to discuss the medication, I know there is a concern because of the type of medication and my recent actions. I guess I am struggling because I feel like I have never had the opportunity to go through everything I struggle with. The things I am anxious about, what I avoid, what thought processes I have. I just feel like no one really knows what things are like. I feel like I need to get it all out. I wish I could have a few sessions with a professional where I can sit down and start from the very beginning up until now. I am also feeling a little overwhelmed with emotion. I am scared for my future. My mood lifted a little for the past few days and now I can see how bad the situation was and I came very close to not being here anymore. I don't know how things will be going forward, but will just have to take it one day at a time.
  22. I do apologise for posting. I do read the boards, but try not to post. I am just in a pretty desperate situation right now. I know I posted a few weeks ago, but things haven't moved on a great deal. I have had a few appointments and have been emailing Samaritans daily. At least with them I have been able to say exactly what the situation is and not have to worry about any action being taken. So I know in my last post I mentioned intrusive thoughts and not being sure I had them. I appreciated the response and tried to take it on board. I still have a daily battle with thinking that I don't struggle with OCD and that I am just using it as an excuse not to work. I question whether my actions are to get attention rather than a true struggle. I feel like a failure as a person. I don't function as most people do. I have nothing in my life that is meaningful and I have lost the connection with those closest to me. Even thinking they would be better off without me. I saw my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and he suggests a change of medication (not started yet) and he said he will write a letter supporting my need to receive funding for intensive therapy. I wasn't able to fully explain to him my concerns except that I felt if I got funding they would assess me and say nothing is wrong. He told me that I was really unwell and that I have an anxiety disorder affecting how I live. The appointment was so quick and focused more on what I had done a few weeks prior. Well since then I have still struggled. I see no future for myself. I have struggled for over 13 years and I am now at a point where I feel if things could change they would have done so already. That perhaps the problem is with me. I wonder if I am choosing to not change. Maybe I am just a lazy and selfish person. If I wanted to get better than I would. I seriously doubt I will get the funding. I am very close to texting my support worker and telling her to tell whoever it is that is trying to get my funding to stop. That this funding can be used for someone else. That I don't deserve it and that they wouldn't be able to treat me anyway. I have totally lost all hope and I am in very bad situation. My support worker is concerned about my risk at the moment and she doesn't know to what level. I haven't been able to be fully open with her. She has done her best to support me and I am very grateful. I know it will be my choice to ask to stop the funding process, but I know if I do choose that there will be no turning things around and that I will all but be choosing totally give up. I haven't been able to open up to anyone. I have one friend who knows about what happened 4 weeks ago, but I cannot say much more because he is worried. Other than that I have been pretending everything is fine with everyone else. It is taking its toll. I don't know what to do about getting help because I do feel now that there is no hope at all. I just feel this need to text my support worker and tell her the above (stop request of funding). I just feel like this what I deserve. I mean how can I see that there is a future worth fighting for? How can even begin to feel I deserve the help. Every time I see someone in their job I feel immense guilt that I am not working. If I see parents with kids I see myself as a selfish person, because I think I would never be able to parent a child. I feel I give nothing to others and am a failure. Even with my nieces I feel I have let them down. I have always been very close to them, but as time has gone on and I don't see them very much or have contact. If I cared about them enough I would make the effort. I am sorry, I don't see a way out of this and know that in a small amount of time I will likely say I don't deserve the funding even if it is likely I wont get it anyway. I don't know how to find something to give me the fight to carry on. I apologise again. All I have had is contact with the Samaritans and just felt it might help to have some feedback.
  23. Thank you dksea for taking the time to respond and give an example of how you have struggled with intrusive thoughts. I think I have definitely been questioning whether if it had to be like "what if..." and that is where I was getting confused. I can see how I am still getting the thoughts now just in a different way as you described above. Thanks for the support and letting me know it is ok to reach out. Something I struggle with. Probably made worse by the fact I constantly question my morals as person and a fear that I am not actually struggling with my mental health, but doing everything for attention. It is horrible to constantly question myself. Means I fear if I ask for help then I am going exactly the right way of getting attention and if feeds into my fear. So if I keep quiet then it stays with me. It has been harder to reach out in person to people like my support worker, but at least with the Samaritans I was able to express myself and really say how I felt.
  24. Thank you each and everyone of you that has replied and offered your thoughts. That does make more sense to me now. I definitely do think everyday about the things I fear, it never leaves. It is a constant anxiety. That anxiety seems to be getting worse added in with the very low mood, which is just overwhelming. Thanks yes I have reached out to the Samaritans. I was in contact with them via email for a week, but have taken a step back because I had so much contact and felt bad about it.
  25. Hi, I’m looking for some feedback. I am a bit confused about what is actually going on and what I am struggling with. I know no one can diagnose and I already have a diagnosis, but I am a bit confused about the symptom of intrusive thoughts. So I have been trying to understand if I actually have intrusive thoughts. I am not sure what it means to have them. I say this because I carry out certain compulsions daily and I know I do them because I fear getting ill/injured/death. It is almost like carry everything out, but don’t have thoughts that enter my mind. However my anxiety is severe and I feel awful most of the day. I am constantly anxious about illness/injury/death. My anxiety is so bad that I am struggling to manage with my restrictive life. Ironically my fear makes me suicidal. Yes my fears make me turn towards my biggest fear and just a week ago I acted on suicidal on thoughts. I have been referred for assessment for treatment for OCD, but I keep feeling that I am wasting their time and funding. If I am not getting intrusive thoughts, but only doing compulsions is there a possibility that this isn’t actually OCD? I just don’t understand the intrusive thoughts part clearly enough. The only time I can see where it effects me is when I question myself as a person. So when I am with others I get thoughts that lead me to question what I say and what I do and what that says about me as a person. I can recognise these thoughts disturb me and I then try and workout who I am as a person. Other than that I can’t really attach any intrusive thoughts to the other stuff. It just seems like a constant anxiety that I try to relieve through actions. Sorry for the length of this just wanted some feedback on what intrusive thoughts can look like when it doesn’t seem obvious.
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