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TerrierMaple

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  1. Thanks for this Gemma :) I will take a look at this book. I have been crying quite a bit the last 2 evenings as it has dawned of my what OCD has done in the past couple of years. My background anxiety is going down due to me finishing up my job and soon to return home. I had one win yesterday against my OCD which was unusual. I have this ritual where I get to the top of one particular escalator on my way to work, and for the last few months (guess this started maybe in March or something) I had to wait at the top of the escalator to watch people come up and go on their way. I think this was due to fear of having knocked someone down the escalator on my way up, causing them to fall down and get injured or worse. I had a moment of clarity where I realised it was ludicrous, and in that moment I resolved to just carry on walking when I got to the top - and not look back. And I did just that. I've been waiting at the top of that escalator for 1 or 2 minutes every day of work for at least 6 months. Not yesterday. This means I don't have to do it again. I am baffled at how I can seemingly randomly dismiss rituals like this, yet at other times get stuck. I think I'm going to try and get through this week, and then think about how to tackle my bed some more. I'm also going to have to face up to a conversation with my gf who post cold sore probably believes I am ready to meet up. I feel like a completely terrible person right now because my OCD is in the way, and I think this is tragic for both of us. She has been the only really good thing here in the past 6 months and she deserves better than this.
  2. Hey everyone. I'm not sure where the right place to post this is, but it's basically about OCD and how fed up I am with it. I do feel really alone with this, and I have a big problem with magical crazy thinking and fear of contamination. This is among a delightful array of other OCD strains which I have to deal with every day. I'm actually really afraid of posting this, as I feel really ashamed of my inability to fight harder right now. I've been essentially trapped in another country whilst a divorce goes through - and I've been struggling to survive in the meantime. Incredibly I think it's been about 2 years since I broke up with my ex. I can't tell you how hard this has been and how bad the depression has been along the way, plus the OCD. I'm weeks away from finally moving back home. Anyway, since I got back from holiday to my apartment from being back home for 2 weeks, I just wanted to change my bed sheets. Last time I slept here was with my gf 2 weeks ago, and I'm usually fine with bits of dried blood or something when I know who / where it came from, basically me and my gf. She is the only person who has ever slept with me in that bed. And yes, I've tried to reassure myself with basic facts like what can actually survive outside of the body and this kind of thing, but every time I look at the bed I still get STUCK. Rooted to the spot in absolute anxiety and panic. What's changed? My gf got a cold sore a few days ago. We've not met up since I got back yet, as she wants to give the cold sore a while to go away. Anyway I know this is a virus, and which one, and it's not like I'm cleaning my entire apartment. It was just the blood which freaked me out when combined with knowing she has a cold sore. I've changed those sheets before with the odd spot or two (and this is only from us sleeping together immediately following end of period) but this time I'm stuck and it's completely irrational, and it's classic OCD. To get on with my life in the meantime I've slept in the spare room on a sofa bed, and I feel terrible about this. I feel weak and ashamed of making this decision. I'm sick of being at the mercy of this nonsense. If I put those clean sheets on, and sleep there tonight, it is statistically impossible that anything bad will happen - yet I fear waking up in the morning, having to go to work - and getting stuck with fear of OCD and not being able to go into work. I can't let THAT happen because then I'm totally screwed and that's just too awful to contemplate. So that is why I've, so far, made that decision to let the OCD have its way. I want to have a crack at using the bed again, maybe not today - maybe I will feel better in a few days (getting over jetlag and feeling spaced out right now) and will just think yes I'll get this done. I feel like I'm inches from my mind being OK with it, it's so frustrating. Can anyone relate to this? I've resolved to get back into therapy when I get back to my home country (services are MUCH better there) and start fighting back, and make things better post divorce. Mentally I've been in a bad bad place for a few years, some seriously not good thoughts in my head and low self esteem. Have to change this for the better. It's desperate stuff sometimes. My gf has been wonderfully supportive, and I've been totally honest with her about my OCD so far. She is really desperate to help, but knows it's basically down to me. I'm really worried that I won't be able to face seeing her due to this OCD, and this is how I know it's all just gone too far. I thought I was getting by, but I look at this and I'm just thinking this is really BAD. Beyond upset, totally broken yesterday and just trying to get back on track today.
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