fearandloathing

Since me and my girlfriend returned off holiday my OCD symptoms have worsened noticeably to the point where I am now seeing a counselor once a week. It began when my girlfriend was traveling around Europe with her friend for two weeks while i was still in the UK, I started to worry that while she was on holiday she would realise she didn't love me and that I wasn't adequate boyfriend material. However confessing my insecurities to her only made my anxieties worse as I began worrying that I had put the idea in her head that I was inadequate or that by me confessing such things she would see me as needy. Anyway, since we returned we have both been under a lot of stress, we have both started new jobs and our schedules are often pretty opposite to each other, this causes me a lot of stress as before we could see each other pretty much as often as we liked. It feels like the difference in schedule is causing a space to grow between us in my head. Time is something I have always worried about even as a child and the feeling of having my time with my girlfriend restricted depresses me a whole lot. But then the time that we do get together is often spent with me worrying about how that time is going to end soon. She also now works at a bar and because of this men sometimes hit on her/flirt this has made my feelings of inadequacy even worse and I have brought up with her when I have been drunk which I also regret. I am worried that she will find someone who is less of a head case and more secure in themselves and who is just generally a better person for her to be with than I am. I have noticed too that if I perceive I have done something wrong/said something offensive to her that I will apologise way too much, I have to check that she is sure that she wasn't offended by what i said/did and that she knows i am sorry. It feels as though I am inadvertently sabotaging my relationship and it is horrible. She is the nicest girl I have ever met and I've never enjoyed the company of another person so much in my life. Any time I do anything I think is wrong at the moment I believe I have ruined everything and that she is going to leave. Recently I have broken down to her multiple times and I think it may actually drive her away if I'm not careful. What am i supposed to do? I feel like an awful boyfriend most days of the week. I am also getting images of self harm when I feel I am ruining things which is making coping even more difficult, I am also having trouble sleeping causing me to be late or miss work completely. I feel like I cannot reach any peace as even in my dreams they play out all my anxieties, I have been waking up in sweats frequently.

Thanks for this advice Taurean, it is much appreciated that you've taken the time to look at this. I've started getting back into reading a lot recently, it is helping me distract myself in a way that I don't feel as though I'm trying to numb myself. I'll speak to a doctor as soon as possible my only fear is medication which for me is completely out of the question, if I manage to break this I want it to be off of my own doing as I've had friends who have taken sertraline which has numbed their emotional capacity from what they tell me and from what I've seen. Could you offer me anymore insight on where CBT would begin for me, as I feel like my whole life revolves in many aspects around my obsessions and compulsions? Thanks again.

A bit of background: My mum has OCD with intrusive thoughts and I appear to exhibit all the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. Doubt, guilt and ruminations and I scratch compulsively to relieve those feelings and distract myself from my thoughts which often results in my hands and feet bleeding when I finish. For as long as I can remember I have suffered from at least one form of fear based obsession, when I was younger (around 12 (21 as of now)) I believed police were coming to arrest me for pirating films, this paranoia got so bad that I believed any police car or helicopter I saw was for me. More recently (a year ago) I deleted all social media as I believe (still do) that it is a tool for brainwashing to some extent and merely for creating good consumers. I also feel uncomfortable when watching television because of adverts so I avoid television too. In theory these are probably good things to ditch but I'm still absolutely just as miserable and paranoid as I was because I'm still completely stuck in my head all day long. I'm worried my thoughts and ruminations are going to ruin my relationship if I don't do something fast. I recently fell in love with a beautiful girl. Since we've been together however, I can feel my OCD creeping into the relationship as I am terrified I will lose her. She is currently travelling with her friend who is not currently very fond of me. This friend had said to both me and my girlfriend, strange things that I have since been unable to get out of my head. Now that they are both away traveling I fear something will go wrong/has gone wrong as my girlfriend hasn't replied for a while. When she does reply it offers me peace of mind momentarily but when she stops I'm constantly stuck in thought loops that carry out a thousand different scenarios vividly in my head. Part of me worries that while she is away she will decide she doesn't want to be with me, I know this idea isn't based on fact but I still can't shake it, and the second I shake one thought I'm pulled into the next immediately trying to remember conversations for hidden meaning. The thing is, I really wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to be with me as I irritate myself so I can't imagine what it's like for her. I'm struggling to do anything at all that involves being around people as this current state of anxiety paralyses me socially. Yesterday I managed to read pretty much a whole book which would have been great if I didn't have to stop reading every few pages when a thought would pop into my head. I see my girlfriend in 9 days as of now but I'm anxious to as her friend will be there too and she as made it very clear she doesn't like me. I'm worried this friend will get in her head but then I worry that I get in her head too making me just as bad. I worry my girlfriend will get lost or raped, or drugged or taken advantage of in general and I dont trust said friend to keep her safe after she had said that she wishes my girlfriend was single for traveling so they could both sleep around. This is tearing me apart at the seams. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but right now I feel isolated with my thoughts which have tormented me since she left the country. I'm looking to reduce the potential impact OCD could have or is having on my relationship if I can't get it under control.