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badsidejoe

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  1. Thank you @dksea& @taurean. I managed to stay somehow calm thanks to what I have learned here and your encouraging words. A strange feeling remains. I know that everyone is acting differently, especially when beeing confronted with new/other people to some extent, but I think I reach a extreme level when doing so. People told me that, f.e. my girlfriend who knows what my "real self" is like the best. I know people that act in nearly any live situation as I would expect them to act and don't hide there personality or even negative sides. As for me there's a flip beeing switched and I even see my values and perception regarding moral and life are not the ones I would stand in for normally. Maybe this is not OCD related but a pretty normal characteristic some people have, but one I really don't want to have. In this case the OCD brought my attention to it and this isn't necessarily all bad. Maybe I just have to work on myself, on my competence to represent who I am in front of others and not beeing like a flag in the wind. Maybe this time my OCD had it's reason for beeing. Just a thought..
  2. Thanks for all your answers. I read every of your posts with great interest and am very thankful for them. Even if I do better, I confronted a new problem. Maybe one of you can help me with this, as I am not sure what exactly it is I'm dealing with. I hope I am able to describe this in English: I am a very good speaker(at least when speaking my mother tongue ;) ). I can pursuade people pretty easily and make them believe me, even if I told them complete rubbish.(I hope I don't sound too selfish here) It's not only the speaking but more the adapting to what people want to hear. Well, the best fitting word for this would be opportunist. I always saw this as an talent, as I could go to a job interview and get the job, even without having much to offer on the paper. Today I was having a chat with some officials related to university stuff I am doing and I noticed during the discussion, that I am not myself when into this mode. I speak with people in this 'flight mode" on a complete different level as I would do this with my girlfriend or friends. I feel like I just want to please others during such conversations. This led me to the conclusion that this isn't myself when I am talking to a foreign person or one I am not conform with and this really scares me. I am not certain anymore what my real self is like. I begin to loose the faith in myself. Maybe I wear a mask all the time and I am whole different person beneath. Does this make any sense to you? Is this still OCD related or do I develope some schizoid disorder? Or is this just what some call a identity crisis? Any help is appreciated and thanks for helping again.
  3. Excuse the late reply. I live in Germany. I have had a hypnotherapy session this week, where we work on underlying problems. I am curious how this will work out, as I am able to reach layers of my unconscious self, that I never would be able to access without this kind of therapy. In my regular therapy we talk a lot about my problems, which I find to be a great benefit sometimes. We also do some EMDR ( don't know the English term for this) practices. Meanwhile I'm feeling better, which is a great relief, because it was nearly unbearable a few weeks ago. I can not say what exactly it was, that led to recovery, but I tried different approaches: - SSRI (Escitalopram 10mg) - Therapy - Saffron ( this was a tip of my therapist; I take twice a pill a day) - Meditation - CBT Methods to reduce the analyzing of the intrusive thoughts Maybe all of this together did the trick. I don't want to say I have recovered yet, but I am in a much better place allready. I hope I am able to manage keeping this course.
  4. I think you got me wrong. I've got a good therapist, the psychiatrist I had was the problem. My therapist never did a diagnosis, because I always thought I knew what I head -> anxiety, ocd, panic and depression
  5. Thanks for the answer. It's not easy to let the thoughts be just thoughts. During the day it's nearly impossible to not fall into the rabbit hole when they appear. At least during my meditation session in the evening I can neutraly observe these thoughts. Do you think it is productive to do the neutralising compulsion during the day and working on them during the meditation in the evening?
  6. First of all: thanks for all your replies! I really appreciate the help. I somehow managed to get a few stairs up. Maybe it's the side effects of my SSRI gradually decreasing or my way of coping. I try to say "I don't know, and that's ok" to myself whenever the intrusive thoughts come up. Feels like I have to do this 10.000 times a day. It's a hard battle, but at least I don't go in to analyzing mode when the thoughts return this way. I fear, that the method I just described is only distracting me from the thoughts and that this may not be the right way to handle them. I've seen a lot of people writing, that I have to dive into the thoughts and feel them with all it's threat and badness to get rid of them. So, what's right now? No diagnosis. I just met him one time and he prescribed me escitalopram. He let me fill out a form about psychosis, but this came back negative. He wasn't very interested in supporting me. Since then I tried to avoid visiting one. To be honest I don't know if the traumatic events in my childhood play a big role. Until my 21st birthday I was pretty sure I have recovered completely because I was a happy and social person. After my first panic attack soon after, things changed. Maybe I'm just prone to anxiety since these early childhood incidents and some external and internal triggers can bring it back to the surface? @dksea's history would confirm this. But I really don't know.
  7. Thanks Taurean. I will try to support my recovery by establishing aerobic exercises. I can absolutely relate to the meditation part. I recommend some simple anxiety meditations, available apps can be found on any app store. For beginners a voice guided meditation will help to reach the state of complete relaxation.
  8. @dksea Thanks a lot! This completely makes sense to me, at least when I manage to get out of the thought carousel for a moment. Do you think it get's easier to establish this way of thinking with time? Do I get used to the OCD chattering? I think the side effects of the Escitalopram throw me into a state, where there's nearly any chance to step back and see my problem as an OCD related problem. Yesterday I managed to successfully do some meditation before going to sleep and to see things happening from some kind of distance. That was a great relief. The problem is, that it seems like I'm loosing the progress when I sleep. As soon as I wake up in the morning, the thoughts kick back in with all it's emotional power. There is an old film with Bill Murray where he wakes up everyday at the same place and at the same time over and over again, trying to achieve some progress over the day, only to see it reseted over night. Don't know the english name of this film. That's what I feel like. Yesterday afternoon I was suffering so bad, that I nearly drove to the next psychiatric institution. But fortunately I could convince my self not to. Sometimes when it's really hard to manage, I nearly believe my OCD thoughts. I have the huge fear, that I could believe these questions and loose the grip completely. Some times it feels like I actually believe in this thoughts allready, this freaks me out. Is this still OCD or is there some kind of psychotic process going on? I appreciate your help very much and I'm really grateful. Thanks to all of you, showing me the way out of my own personal hell. Edit: My counsellor told me that I have a underlying fear of beeing isolated and alone(Due to some traumatic childhood events and a meningitis when I was 6 month old). She thinks that this fuels the thoughts. Do you think it is possible to get rid of this deep down based fear? Could this be the solution to my problem? We did not make any progress in the therapy, because she ain't got time for further appointments in the near future.
  9. Thanks for your replies. The last three days, my obsessions and the resulting anxiety went through the roof, to the state where I nearly believed all the weird thoughts zapping into my mind. I am mile's away from reality due to the stress I'm feeling. I'd really love to apply these techniques you are suggesting, but it's so hard to stay focused and not to trip out after a few seconds again. At first I had a short moment when I got your therapeutical strategy where I clearly could divide the negative imagination I'm thinking of from the fact that this is all due to OCD. This kind of progress is always followed by the thought kicking it, which suggests, that everything I'm trying isn't real and therefore it makes no sense. I experience this feeling at my counsellor as well. Sure this a false thought, that should be labeled as a "Theory A" thought, but it is so intense, that any progress instantly melts away in the eternal dark hole in my head. It feels like my unconscious mind wants to hold me back from finding a way out of this dilemma. Maybe I am just not strong enough to resist this intense emotional bombardment. Do you think the higher dosage of Escitalopram, which I take for 4 days now could fuel these feelings? As some kind of initial side effect?
  10. Thanks for that!That strategy sounds interesting but it's hard for me to establish. Especially when I declare theory B as a state of OCD the problem Ist ,that I still think this is incurable. And this let me fall back into the patterns. So did you make it out of this eventually?
  11. Hello, I'm glad I found this forum, as I really have a hard time. I can imagine there are already some topics about existential OCD but I just can't get out of this and I believe I got stuck forever. As I am not a native English speaker I'd like to excuse any language mistakes in advance. Since I was I child I am dealing with intrusive thoughts a lot. Back then I struggled with questions of death, beeing alone and eternal darkness after the death. During my puberty it got quite silent. Then, when I got 21 I got really harsh anxiety and panic issues due to weed and alcohol. This accompanied me the following years, but I learned to cope and the Escitalopram I was taking got me to a point where life was ok again. One year ago I accidentally was reading an article about solipsism. This hit me like a dagger in the heart. I somehow managed to get almost rid of that obsessive thought in about 2weeks and it hit me just once a week. But I managed to whipe them of quickly. The problem always was, that it followed me like a shadow. Two weeks ago it should break all over me again. I had a stressful time in university and was invited for a new job after completing my master's degree. This was the moment when these existential thoughts came back like a hammer hitting my head. I really have the worst time in my life since this moment. I even canceled the future job due to the struggle I am in. I am constantly thinking about this life beeing just an illusion and everything is meaningless because of that. Since I cannot disprove this fact it seems like this feeling will stay for ever. I got a meeting with a counselor and she said, that deep burried anxieties of beeing alone are the issue for all that. But I am going to see her only once a week and it feels like between the appointments I spend 24/7 beeing obsessed by this feeling of eternal dread. Even if I make some progress in this therapy, my brain always brings in the thought of this beeing completely useless, because it isn't real and this diminishes any progress I make. I even started Escitalopram 10 mg again one weak ago, but it I don't feel better, maybe even worse since taking it. I need some coping strategies for this and I did not find effective ones yet. Is it even possible to cope with it, even if my brain always brings in thoughts that are dementing the sense of these coping mechanisms? I really go nuts right now, maybe you have some supporting words for me? Thanks for reading Phil
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