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Alien8

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  1. I'm about to start taking Zoloft. I'm very reluctant to take it. I've been on it before and I had side effects. I'm literally at the point where I'm feeling legitimately suicidal, so taking the medication is my last resort. My initial fear/obsession revolved around thoughts of jumping from a high place. Then it morphed into thoughts of shooting myself with a gun. My therapist started me out with doing a knife exposure while listening to a flood tape. That didn't provoke much anxiety, so I told him I wanted to try something harder. He had me stand at the edge of a high place while listening to a flood tape. That provoked more anxiety, but it still didn't feel like i was targeting the right thing. We finally moved to gun exposures accompanied by a flood tape. I find that my anxiety and depression is so overwhelming by this point, that even the gun exposures don't make me feel any more anxious than I already do. When doing exposures, I don't feel like, "This is silly, I don't actually want to do this." I feel the opposite. I find myself agreeing with the flood tape and feeling like I actually want to go through with it and end this suffering. So, i don't know if going back to the other exposures is a good idea or not. I also really like my therapist and I believe he is excellent at what he does. I don't want to switch to a different therapist, especially since it took me so long to find my current therapist after going through a bunch of other "OCD specialists" that had no idea how to help me. A HUGE problem I have is that I don't know what my compulsions are. They seem to all be automatic mental compulsions. But I'm still not certain what they are, so I don't know how to stop. 10 years?! That is such a long time to be dealing with this. I've been through this theme once before, lasting 8 months. This current bout has been going for 7 months. Do you ever feel like it's real? Do you ever feel legitimately suicidal because you're exhausted? I have no interest in doing anything, no goals or aspirations, and I genuinely feel like dying lately. It's scaring me so much. I'm afraid I've reached my limit and simply can't take it anymore. This could eventually pass. But what if I relapse as you have? Is that what our lives are destined to be? Recurring epiaodes of OCD hell that lasts for months on end? That right there is enough to make me want to just say screw this, and end it. If I can't live life with peace of mind, I don't want to live because it's unbearable.
  2. I've come to the conclusion that I'm treatment resistant. I'm tired of fighting. "Treatment resistant" shouldn't even be in our vocabulary. Yet, here I am, as are many others, ready to throw in the towel because there's no hope left. I've tried to follow the instructions of my OCD specialist time and again. I only feel worse as the days go by. There's never a moment of true peace. If there's a next life, maybe I'll have better luck then. Other people have NO IDEA how fortunate they are to not have OCD. I'm over it. I'm done. Living with this is impossible.
  3. Paradoxer: I agree that the theme or content of the obsession doesn't "matter" necessarily. It's easier to sum up the situation by using a theme. It's very common for people to refer to their current theme of OCD by calling it something. ex. HOCD, ROCD, Harm OCD, etc. But in the grand scheme of things, you're right, theme does not matter. OCD is OCD. Malina: We seem to have very similar stories. When driving back from the vacation I mentioned in my original post, my hands started tingling and going numb. It was most likely a combination of anxiety and from sitting in one spot for so long while driving back home. I absolutely loath the TSA, so I decided we should drive back to Colorado from Florida. It takes many hours to drive that far, so I was sedentary for quite a while. Turns out, I don't have MS either. It was just my brain dragging me through the mud. It's strange how scared I was at the thought of possibly having MS or ALS, and now I can think about it all I want without any anxiety spikes. I really had most of my issues under wraps when I was "over it". For me personally, not keeping up with my meditation practice was a huge factor in my regression. There may have been some unhealthy behaviors I engaged in that I'm still not aware of. I really don't know to be honest. It's tough to keep going because it's so painfully difficult to tend to this constantly every day, only to wake up the next day feeling the same way or sometimes worse. It's worrying too because some people are "treatment resistant" and don't get better even after following the advice of the "professionals". Some people do ERP until they're blue in the face and still remain just as frightened and uncertain as they were before they even started therapy. That right there makes it hard for me to get better because I know there's a chance I won't. It's hard to move past that. I agree that I shouldn't be focusing on the "why am I going through this" thoughts. It only drags me down and makes me feel like a victim. I'll try to focus more on what needs to be done to hopefully recover. MentalChecker: You and I both. I don't know exactly what my compulsions are. I have an idea of what some may be though. I analyze thoughts, ruminate, try to figure out how I "really feel" about the thoughts and feelings, etc. It seems to be a bunch of mental behaviors. I don't think I have any outward visible compulsions. If I do, I'm not aware of what they are. Mental compulsions are so hard to stop because they become automatic. Our brains produce thoughts without us trying. Similarly, my brain starts ruminating and analyzing without me even trying; or so it seems. I find that when I notice myself ruminating, I'm either able to try my best to focus my attention on something happening in the present moment, or I get overwhelmed and swept up by the thoughts and feelings; typically leading to me crying my eyes out for a while as I feel like I'm going completely insane.
  4. Hi Malina, Thank you so much for replying to me. I'm truly sorry that you have experienced this as well. I've been through several themes and this one has been the worst by far, so my heart goes out to you. The point you make about this not lasting forever is true. I've been through it before and it came to an end, even though it felt like it never would. It feels like it won't end this time too, but OCD always seems to make me feel that way. I suppose that's "normal" for OCD sufferers. I agree completely about needing to ditch the hypnosis, supplements, etc. I'm going to continue with ERP and push through it. In regards to panicking, you make such a great point. It is normal to feel exhausted from this. How could anyone not be worn out? It's just difficult in those moments when it feels so real. The feeling of wanting to just end it and be done with it is a terrible feeling. I can't even put it into words. But, you're right, it's normal to feel that way when dealing with this. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this for so long. I've been dealing with OCD, in one form or another, for about 15 years. It started when I was 17. I think back to times before that and remember some OCD tendencies I had, but didn't realize at the time. It wasn't anything debilitating. It started out with ROCD when I was 17. It changed themes over the years; HOCD, harm OCD, suicide OCD. I find it difficult to sleep alone as well. When my wife is in town, I can fall asleep fairly easily at night. When she's out of town for work, I have pretty bad insomnia. My mind doesn't stop going. I have a hell of a time getting up in the morning. I wake up, feel anxious and terrified by the thoughts and feelings, and force myself back to sleep. I do this a few times until I wake up around 10am or so. I know that I need to force myself to get up when I initially wake up. Needless to say, it's extremely hard to do. I don't have much direction in my life right now. It's tricky to find something to do upon waking. I'm unemployed currently, and don't have a clue what I would want to do aside from playing music. It's always been my passion to write and play music. I suppose I could force myself to engage in that, even though lately I've lost interest in things. The relapsing is one of the most frustrating aspects of OCD in my opinion. I truly thought, after the first time I went through suicide OCD, that I was done with it for good. I was meditating daily and becoming very mindful. I was able to let thoughts pass through my mind as if they were clouds passing in the sky. I had thoughts of suicide cross my mind and I would be able to let it go without any attachment. It was amazing. When Winter came around, I stopped meditating as much. I would typically sit outside because I enjoyed meditating in nature and feeling the sun on my skin. The snow here in Colorado makes it uncomfortable to meditate outside. So, I stopped doing it. Months went by and I felt myself slipping back into old negative thought patterns and behaviors. Then the health anxiety started, and you know the rest. I hope that after going through this again and doing the work I need to do, that it doesn't just keep coming back over and over. The fact that it came back at all has me feeling like giving up. It has me feeling like all attempts at recovery are just futile. I know that I have to keep going anyway. It's just hard. It would be nice to know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's consoling to know that you never came close to hurting yourself. As strong as these feelings are sometimes, I never have either. I've never moved so much as an inch toward actually acting on it. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me and reply. It means so much to know someone cares. Thank you.
  5. You are not a bad person. Dogs, and all animals for that matter, have intercourse. It's just nature. Your dog isn't a human. You're acting like you let your child get raped, and that simply isn't what happened at all. I've watched one of my dogs get stuck inside of one of my female dogs and while I felt bad for the female, it was still pretty amusing. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't mean you let your dog get hurt. Dogs don't think the way humans do. Your dog forgot about the entire experience as soon as it was done. And the stories your mind created about how your dog must have felt during the experience are just that, stories your mind made up. They are no more real than all of the other thoughts you have. Thoughts aren't real. They are automatic and don't reflect anything about you as a person or reality. I guarantee you your dog is totally fine. When that thought comes that you think, "omg how did I let that happen to my dog?!" Just notice it and say, "whatever". Is that hard to do, yes. But it works if you keep doing it. Treat it foe the insignificant nothing that it is and simply say "whatever".
  6. I am currently going through my second bout of suicide OCD. It's been 6 months of dealing with this. The first bout of this OCD theme lasted 8 months and it wasn't as severe. I've been seeing an OCD specialist trained in ERP for several months. I'm worn out and feel like giving up a lot of the time. Here's a little more backstory. In March, my wife and I went on a cruise for vacation. I had been dealing with pretty severe health anxiety in the months prior. I was afraid of every little ache and pain I felt, fearing I had MS, ALS, or some other type of deadly or debilitating disease. Despite this, I was relatively "ok" most of the time and I was able to live my life; engaging happily in activities and passions. The second day on the ship was when my world turned upside down. I was standing out on the balcony of our room, located on the 10th deck/floor. The thought and urge of jumping over the side suddenly overwhelmed me out if nowhere. Just like that, I was caught by OCD once again. I spent the next 4 days on the ship in total fear. I couldn't wait to get off of that boat and away from the 10 story high balcony beckoning to me. The day came for us to end our vacation and get off of the ship. I felt immense relief. Once we returned home, however, OCD latched on to a previous fear I honestly believed I was over and would never fear again. The thought crossed my mind, "kill yourself with the gun." The thoughts also take the form of vivid imagery. I broke down into tears, "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be alive if I have to battle OCD for the 6th or 7th time. This is too much. I want out." Speaking this way and feeling this way only served to validate my fear. I sought help from every outlet I could think of and potentially afford. I've tried several OCD specialists, transpersonal therapy, hypnosis, reiki, too many supplements and amino acids to name, 6 sessions of intravenous ketamine, etc. I experienced no relief. I keep reading and being told that in order to recover from OCD, you have to be determined. The problem is, I'm worn out. There are times every day throughout the day when I get this intense feeling of wanting to give up and die. It is absolutely terrifying. The determination seems to be gone. I feel like I did the day I realized I'm back in OCD hell, but even more so now than I did then. I feel like wanting to give up and be done with this nightmare affliction. In order to get better, OCD sufferers are expected to do ERP every day and engage in valued activities even when they feel extreme anxiety, depression, fear, doubt, and uncertainty. I've tried over and over again to do just that over the past few months. I barely make it a couple days and then I break down into tears and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't know how to force myself to do the things I "want" to do when I don't "want" to do anything. I want to disappear so my suffering will end. That's what I feel like I want, and it's scaring me to no end to put it lightly. I don't know how to continue doing ERP, exposing myself to a gun by holding it and listening to a flood tape, while experiencing actual suicidal feelings. My fear of being suicidal has led me to feel suicudal...It's completely ridiculous and terrifying. So, what now? Where do I go from here? How does someone get better when they have lost the desire to do so? Am I just damned to live out the rest of my days until I actually give in? I'm at a total loss. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. My wife is scared. My parents are scared. I can't believe my life has come to this. To think that only a couple years ago I was past this very obsession, living the best life, calm and content. Now here I am, wanting to give up completely. OCD is hell on Earth. I don't know what anyone cursed with this disorder did to deserve this.
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