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About lily17

  • Birthday 12/10/1999

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive thoughts

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  1. Hey there Hedgehog, thanks for your reply. The reason as you say doesn't have to exist, and it indeed doesn't. There is no reason at all why I want everything to be perfect now, it's completely irrational-OCD typical I guess. And yes, I've been going to therapy and I'm on meds for a long time which usually work very well to me but lately in therapy we haven't been discussing OCD things except the other day because I'm generally much better, except these episodes... Just texted my psychologist but since it's Sunday I don't know if she'll reply. Anyway, I feel much better letting things out now, so thanks to you too
  2. This is most likely similar to the one I posted on November (sorry to those who I didn't reply, I come online from time to time now and I feel so overwhelmed to reply atm...) I'm suffering from so much anxiety when things are not tidy or clean and I'm the messiest person ever so this is, I believe, the peak of my OCD. It's never felt more ego-dystonic ever... Don't know if it's the right term but I've never been like obsessed with tidying up things or cleaning... I remember being so cynical with my mother and grandmother for cleaning so much (not in an obsessive way, just felt too much for me) and them telling me I would be like that one day but I didn't imagine it would be like this! I want to set my room on fire other than seeing it messy just one more time I can't stand it I want everything to be just perfect. I need help.
  3. i was just browsing the web and someone said if you chat on dating apps such as tinder when you have a partner it's cheating and i agreed to them then realised back in 2018 i remember i had a tinder account and i was chatting with a guy just friendly chatting i swear there was no flirting then i started dating someone else i remember i replied to some message to that other guy and deleted the app and im so worried about that even though it was a regular chat like you could have but it was on a DATING APP so im suffering right now so much
  4. it wasn't even an assignment, just papers for me to study. i don't know anymore, just suffering so much at the moment. having multiple huge panic attacks lately just got a new medication for that (benzo) so let's see... it's now even just OCD anymore everything is such a mess?
  5. you actually have a point there... the other day i was just complaining because in my medical history says i was diagnosed back in 2017 with OCPD and got mad because it's different from OCD... I don't know to be honest like I /definitely/ do have OCD ...not sure if I can have both disorders at the same time ????
  6. Just got the prints and even though I checked it again after posting, it came out asymmetric and wrong my OCD is having a feast over this I really can't I'm also too stressed I'm gonna die
  7. Hey there OCD fellow sufferers... I'm crying as I type this topic because I worked so hard on a Word document for class and I'm not sure if it's everything 100% perfect. I spent almost an hour checking if everything's alright, that there are no spelling mistakes... all normal until here... but then I saw the bleed of some pages of the document not being accurate, even though I adjusted it, I still think it's not 100% precise and I feel so anxious. If my father prints it and it turns out to be incorrect, it will be ugly and even illegible and I might have a breakdown about it. I told him to send me a picture of the first page but he can't print it just yet because he's at work. I worked so hard for this yet I think I failed. I'M SO USELESS! ?
  8. Hello Bismah, Thank you for your response. That very day I had a chat with her and she seemed just like always with me so I believe she, in fact, didn't hear a thing. Although I confess I chatted with her in order to check her reaction to me and all... oops. I've been in therapy for four years now, but there's just too much more beyond OCD, I'm afraid. Therefore, it's really hard to me all this situation...
  9. I don't know if this is even OCD but I just need to let it out... The other day on the subway's mecanic stairs I was talking with classmate A about how classmate B talks way too much and how that might have given her a headache the other day when they were both on the way home on the same train, all that expressed in a Spanish slang used to express how someone can be so annoying when they speak to you way too much almost telling your their whole life in a minute hence being kinda disrespectful myself and classmate A agreed, then I was like 'well there's people who are just like that' and we didn't say more. So I know classmate B was around because I saw her get on the same train but I knew she was way behind us but still I turned around because I'm so so paranoid and I saw she was waaay down the stairs and looking at her phone I think, so the chances of her hearing me talk are minimum BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT I WAS TALKING ABOUT HER JUST FOR TURNING AROUND WHILE I SPEAK TO SOMEONE ELSE...... then classmate A and I were on a footbridge still on the subway that takes passengers to the other side of the station because it's so extense. Classmate A and I were talking together, talking about something else and she suddenly apparead from behind and made room on the footbridge not even excusing herself just colliding with me (to be fair, we are both big and the footbridge is so tight and maybe she was in a hurry) she didn't say good bye I just got that feeling she might have heard me talk before and I feel so bad... I even messaged her the other day to ask her about how her pidgeon was doing, all that to see her reaction to my message and to analyze her reply and I have to say I wasn't satisfied. Maybe it's because through the phone you can't really see if a person is angry at you but I feel so so so bad I hate myself and I don't wanna attend class today
  10. It's almost 5 am and I need to sleep but I think I'll finally be able to do it! I've been mentally checking to that video and I felt that If I watched it again then I'd get a positive reaction that I'm not attracted to that and I watched it several times until I was almost sure I just find it really freaking cute
  11. I've always been a bit paranoid about this matter whenever I see a mother feeding her baby, I stare and I check but only a little bit until I saw a video of a teen mother feeding her baby and I felt genuine arousal and I enjoyed watching such video then I had to watch it again and again and again because I couldn't believe what I was experiencing... It's hard because now I have a more active sexual life and I know what actual arousal feels like and a groinal response can't be such legit... I can't help but recall those sexual dreams I had about sexually abusing little kids and those who werent sexually specific in nature but involved me kissing cute little fluffy kids all over their faces and hugging them I don't know I feel this urge towards kids because I find them just too cute first thought I had when I saw that teen mom's instagram is that I wanted to have a baby... But then all that happened! Worst part is that I wanted to masturbate, I still do. I even considered doing it. Tough confessions. Guess this is it. ?
  12. Also, can OCD make you be so sure about something you haven't worried for a long while? My therapist told me OCD obsessions cannot become real however once you stop obsessing about it, there's a chance you realise the attraction is real (in my case) so I'm worried this is my case ? P.S: last night when I truly felt attracted to her, I was calm, It scared me a bit but I was CALM and it wasn't because I knew It was OCD... This terrifies me.
  13. My main obsession is back, the one for I created this account, back in 2017. Pedophilia obsession has turned into incest obsession because my sister just turned 14, so she's technically not a child anymore, her body is developed since last year more so, and I've been having worries from time to time since last summer, on and off, but nothing sticky (some checking compulsions looking at her body and so) until last night... I looked at her tits, and I really felt attracted, I felt sure. I was sure and I worried a little bit but managed to just let it pass and go to bed. So I woke up this morning, and it was back on track. Strong. I started doing compulsions ALL OVER AGAIN as if everything I've done these past months were for nothing. Looked at her body, checked for attraction/arousal. Then went to the bathroom and started creating sexual scenarios in my mind, letting me feel whatever I was supposed to feel... So I can finally come to a conclusion! Feeling I wanted to get aroused by them... I was disgusted, I thought maybe if she wasn't my sister I'd be attracted to her... then I freaked a little but calmed down thinking she wouldn't be my sister, she would be a whole other person. Then I felt relief when I checked I wasn't wet down there. I stated in my mind that even though I feel attracted to her, I don't like fantasizing about having sex with her and such sexual scenarios... however, an incestuous person would not like having the urge to fantasize about their relative, they might feel ashamed about their paraphilia but would enjoy the process, right? I think it's different. What do you guys think?
  14. Uhh my everyday life is usually staying home or spending time with my grandma, sometimes I meet a friend, watch anime, go for something to drink with my parents and... go to my family mountain home almost every weekend and... therapy. It's becoming a tad boring though...
  15. It is exactly what you just described ? I explained it on my first post, I've been obsessed for months with getting a boyfriend because I've never had a serious relationship before or anything, but not just thinking about it, trying all the time to meet someone on Tinder and other dating apps, even Twitter and also with making new friends... I've got dependent behaviour and that's why ? but I think OCD might a bit involved too, sigh. It's like I *need* to be with someone, to feel loved, get attention etc. I'm getting therapy for this too but it's just too much stuff to get through in an hour of therapy per week. Bonus: I'm also very strict with the way my future partner must be... and that comes from my very high moral compass (hardened with OCD I Guess) so it's such a pain in the ass. This applies to friends as well, but in a lower way... I'm also working on this slowly but as I've said, it's all just too much to get through.
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