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About lily17

  • Birthday 12/10/1999

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive thoughts

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  1. now my sister touched my hand and i was like okay... she touched me but then she touched my hand again so i would shut up and when she was sliding her hand on mine i did the same i moved it hence I touched her and now im crying because i think or know i did it for sexual reasons her hand was soft and i liked the touch but no arousal and idk
  2. i was cuddling with my dog and i got aroused but didn't stop cuddling him and kissing him because i love him so much but i dont know if i should have stepped back? also another thing... my sister was touching her genitals and scratching them with her pants and everything on and i felt compelled to look and i felt that i liked it. this happened twice or so... and i feel so ashamed even though i didn't get aroused i... don't know what to think. i feel so guilty why did i feel compelled to look and everything i just...
  3. thank you all for responding and trying to help me. right now im freaking out and don't know @gingerbreadgirl, im just gonna try to label them as OCD and try not to give into compulsions.
  4. PolarBear im just not doing okay these days i need a little push, to be reminded of who i really am.. :'(
  5. my little sister seems to be hyperactive and this, besides putting me on my nerves, also triggers my OCD because she's all the time moving, i gotta look at her body to check if i like it or because i felt that i had to look or because i think i might like what i see and then this happens and im trapped in a loop... her jeans were loose and i looked at her butt and it was showing a bit and omg... when she was playing with the dog, he was on top of her and i was having thoughts, then about having sex with her in a really ****** up way and i was enjoying it but at the same time freaking out i guess these feelings and thoughts are all produced by OCD but what can i do to stop looking at her it's not okay to do such a thing... i feel like a pervert when im compelled to look at her butt when she is petting the dog and she's on her knees and her butt shows a bit bc her pants are loose and go down a bit i dont know how to explain this im sorry but can i get some thoughts about this? should i feel bad for looking at her butt and stuff when im feeling compelled to do so like... if i look to check its okay bc its due to the OCD but when i wanna look and i do it and then i feel that i liked it and then im like feeling horrible... i just cant
  6. The appointment went well. She gave me homework and I'm seeing her again in 10 days. I've been seeing her for two appointments only, because my other therapist had to quit for personal reasons, and I gotta say she appears yo know even better OCD than the other one, they're both experts but this one is around my age and I like her. I'll be okay, thanks Ashley.
  7. thank you binxy, i have an appointment with my psychologist in an hour and a half, let's see how it goes.
  8. okay so i was like why dont i look up "check someone out" definition and it's "to look at someone to see how atrractive they are" meaning you already know you like that person so you're just looking at them from head to toes?? meaning i cant do it when im looking to check if i like her, being in doubt... so they're opposites right?!!
  9. *sigh* hi, it's me again. i'm back in here... suffering. yesterday i was looking at my sister's body (just to see if i liked it and/or it aroused me, then i started to "check her out" i felt something in my expression changed, she didn't notice, of course, but i felt so scared. and guilty. so guilty right now. it's like i can be sure i did it on my own but then i doubt it was the intention (it wasnt for sure the very first intention) but i could feel my expression changing and i panicked. as i am panicking now, sweating. i dont even think i liked what i saw (that i liked "checking her out) is a big NO, but still the fact i did look at her like that, checking her out... even if there was no change in my expression (bc i've recorded myself to see what expression i had in that moment, recreating the scene and such) i know these are compulsions and maybe it's all ocd but this week has been hellish, and i need a little push. thanks x
  10. I don't deserve a thing. Everyday, I mess up. I have a permanent groinal response and I move to make it go away but I get thoughts and I mess up. I ca'nt keep on living like this. I need my groin to not be aroused. For five minutes... I would be okay with that, have some peace. I just don't want to feel anything at all in my groin, even if it's real arousal (and wanted) I don't. I just don't wanna please myself thinking about people I shouldn't think about just because my stupid brain wants to (and makes me think I want it personally) i'm so tired of this, I was a good person I didn't deserve this, my old self was good but now I'm evil, I've done heinous things... I deserve to die, drop dead somewhere where no one could ever find me.
  11. Thank you so much, Paul!! I'll try to focus on something else now
  12. I've just done it again to see how I did it and I feel extra guilty like it's something you can easily do because it's just existing, focusing on genitals and thats it like... I did it last night after doing it for the first time to see how I did it too but now I'm doubting I did it to check again or if I had a hidden intention... And what about me enjoying that scene as I was reading it... How could I? Was it an intrusive sensation... I'm so sorry for all this bull****
  13. But like I'm thinking I did it to please myself while I was reading that but it's a lie I would never want to do that for real, I hate it but I still did it? I just dont understand
  14. I'm just wondering... why would I do it in that precise moment if I think child sexual abuse is just heinous????? But I chose that moment to focus on my genitals and....!! I'm freaking out. This is horrible. I'm horrible. There's no way this is OCD... or is it? 🤧
  15. So last night I was reading a manga (japanese comic) and there were some bits about one of the main character's back story... he was raped when he was 7 years old. So in that moment, I made myself have a pleasant feeling in my genitals, I didnt move whatsoever maybe I moved because of breathing but that's it. I didnt know how I did that think so I repeated the whole scene and I was like why?? I know how to do it again, it's just focusing on my genitals to get that sensation, it's just a sensation I got when focusing on my genitals plus having to pee but I really wanted it in the moment I was reading that scene and this is why I'm so upset and sad because I find it awful and I dont know why I would want to please myself (not sexually tho) while reading that...
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