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lily17

Bulletin Board User
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About lily17

  • Birthday 12/10/1999

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive thoughts

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female

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  1. Yes, thanks to my psychologist, now I can understand which are my compulsions (at least, better than before). For example, I think face grimacing thinking of this guy is a compulsion, because it takes me no where and keeps me stuck, though no anxiety relief happens but it is a compulsion.
  2. Lost, thank you for your response. I'm aware it's a different theme of OCD but I feel so guilty after putting an evil smile on my face thinking about him, I don't recall it very well but I do recall the feeling of doing it and then feeling so remorseful... How can this happen if laughing at him is something I don't wanna do, something I fear to do...?
  3. Thank you for your response, Phil. I'm aware it's an OCD obsession but it's getting out of hand... I can feel it making me laugh inside my head and just not letting it out and I feel horrible.
  4. Hello everyone, it's been a while since I last been online bc I've doint better but today I'm so desperate and I need your help, I need some insight on this topic. One of my current obsessions since yesterday night is laughing at a person I really like. He has a peculiar nose, which I found weird at the beginning but I actually find a bit cute now but I've felt since yesterday that I was gonna burst out laughing at him, yesterday I found myself in tears, in real agony because I couldn't take it... I was gonna laugh. It was gonna happened and then it happened... kind of. He sent me a "sticker" via text which I found funny and I laughed at it and kept the expression on my face for a little longer while I thought of him... so what I fear, happened. And ever since yesterday, I've been hyper vigilant of my facial expressions, I keep checking if I'm laughing or even a brief smile on my face I freak out and I haven't laughed at him like really wanting it? Maybe I've been facial grimacing, doing it on purpose just for the sake of doing it to then have something to blame myself for... To accuse myself of doing something really bad like laughing at a person's face. The worst thing is that I've actually laughed at people, of course not letting them know that I was laughing but I have... and it's perfectly possible for it to happen so I don't know what the hell is this. I find peace thinking I haven't actually laughed but I keep thinking grimacing is a step away from laughing and it means I've done what I feared. Also another thing, someone once told me it was possible to laugh in your mind. Not imagine that you're laughing or grimacing at something instead of laughing out loud... but laughing in your mind as if it was magic. This is how I do it: I say I'm gonna do it and, even though I don't do anything, just sit there with a straight face, it means I've laughed in my mind and it's so weird no one really understands what I mean, to be honest not even myself I fully understand it. It's so strange and nothing alike has ever been on my mind. The worst is that it can happen at any time and that I have done it with more people besides him but it's not real because I don't find anything funny on them people... but I feel like hell. Please, please help me. I'm really trapped. Additional note: I've been compulsing with him a lot. I tell him everything I do all the time he tells me it's okay he knows it isn't real but I just can't shake it off.
  5. I promise it will be the last time as I plan to close my account on the forum since my therapist doesnt want me to be here but I need... I just need a little impulse. Tell me what you think about what I posted...
  6. please i wont be able to sleep tonight i feel like an actual rapist or sexual abuser im so devastated i did that im just thinking... if my hands were on the table i might have moved it even tho those tables cant be moved they're glued to the seats but might have moved it on accident even tho that wasnt my purpose what even was my purpose...???????
  7. okay so situation... i was at a fast food place having dinner with my best friend. getting intrusive thoughts, being afraid of touching her legs because there was my seat, the table and her sitting in front of me well... so then it comes a moment when i thought it's her i don't care if i do this i've felt attracted to her before so that's why i thought that and i was like shes not family so it doesnt matter HOW COULD I THINK LIKE THAT so i pressed my genitals on my seat thinking i was hurting her sexually but she was on another whole seat in front me and i already checked that she didnt feel anything that i moved on my seat or felt violated/abused/sexually harassed or anything... but im thinking how could this be OCD if i didnt care it was her and here comes the thing... i sometimes feel sexually attracted to her but i couldnt have sex with her bc in the end she's like a sister to me so this part is not ocd... some minutes later, i did it again, but like not exactly how I did it the first time... i did it more... tender? but i placed my hands on the table and maybe i hurt her sexually that way... well i told her whar i've done again and she was like "woah" like joking as if she liked what i just did and i thought "if she likes what i did, the idea of it, then its fine i have consent to do it" and i feel horrible for thinking this!!!!!! this just destroyed everything, every stop step forward i've tales taken these past weeks, all gone... i antes on a thought, on a sexual thought and i deserve to be put behind bars no matter if i actually didnt harm her its the act and the intention what matters.
  8. Thank you, gingerbreadgirl. I'm gonna watch a tv show or something to find a distraction... and try to push away the thoughts.
  9. Yes, I understand they are compulsions but how to resist them when I feel compelled to look because I enjoy to look and I do it then I feel I finally stopped repressing myself, feeling like a whole true pedophile... 😪
  10. Confessing. Seeing if you guys have any idea of why I feel compelled to look at her privates and stare at them, enjoying the whole thing... I just don't know
  11. When she crouches, her butt looks more prominent and thats why I think I like it because it reminds of an older girl, I once read about this and it makes sense but I shouldn't look even if I like it, it's not her real butt because it's much more prominent but what should I do? I feel so ashamed afterwards
  12. I dont know @gingerbreadgirl I'm stuck right now. I looked at her butt again and her belly was showing and then I looked again because I liked it and I let myself look because I was emjoying it I feel so ashamed why this deviant behaviour I feel ashamed and sad and I regret doing it but I want to do it again and I feel like a pedophile it's emerging inside me and I wanna cry so much
  13. i cant handle it, hal. i was just looking at my sister's crotch and i allowed myself to look at it because i was enjoying it... and i honestly dont know how could this be OCD, i look to check if i like it and then it turns out i do and i stare at parts of her body im horrible 😭
  14. now my sister touched my hand and i was like okay... she touched me but then she touched my hand again so i would shut up and when she was sliding her hand on mine i did the same i moved it hence I touched her and now im crying because i think or know i did it for sexual reasons her hand was soft and i liked the touch but no arousal and idk
  15. i was cuddling with my dog and i got aroused but didn't stop cuddling him and kissing him because i love him so much but i dont know if i should have stepped back? also another thing... my sister was touching her genitals and scratching them with her pants and everything on and i felt compelled to look and i felt that i liked it. this happened twice or so... and i feel so ashamed even though i didn't get aroused i... don't know what to think. i feel so guilty why did i feel compelled to look and everything i just...
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