I've got so used to having this disorder that I have forgotten how to be happy, I just feel like my head is so messed up, i have so much to solve, if I don't it means I'm hiding something bad, I'm bad and don't deserve to move forward. It's just exhausting.
Anyway the post is just something I Want to get out, I don't know if it's a repeat. I just feel it all bottling up.
I want to know if anyone understands what Im trying to explain
The feelings that come with ocd and how it feels real, literally real
When I had my 'event' that I've been going over for years, the feelings at the time have made it impossible to know what everything means and I know people will say you don't need to KNOW but I do.
OK so when I had my intrusive thoughts come into my head it lead me to feel like I was able, or could easily act on them, (acting for me is speaking just so you know it's not harm ocd)
So OK it's there, ocd is suggesting "what if I speak this thought" "it could just slip out" with these thoughts came FEELINGS...like it was suggesting it to me and I felt like I could just do it, I don't know why, why does it feel like an urge when it's the last thing you want? Why does it feel like this? It feels like I was glad of the control but I somehow was trying to show ocd that I was in charge in that moment. Is this testing? What is this feeling? I just want to know why it FEELS like a real urge?
Does it make me a bad person for getting the thought and then pausing to think "I could just do it" feeling this urge...how do I know what's real? Is it a real urge?
When this urge was happening part of me thought nah I'm not falling for ocds rubbish....but another part made me.feel like I was blancing on the edge and I don't know why?
It happened a couple of times, I tried to avoid the thoughts but they kept coming.... I tried to say no but I feel like it kept drawing me in to respond to it...
As soon as I felt myself listening to the thoughts again I felt like I was testing myself but why, why did I feel the need to stick around and prove I wouldn't mess up...why when I could have run away from it?
Can self confidence and logic make you feel like you can stand up to ocd but then the irrational takes over and makes you worse?
I really thought I'd won, I'd figured out it was silly but then I end up worried sick that I made a mistake.
I know this post is one long rumination I know, but I'm hoping someone can pick out the parts about FEELINGS and give me insight please.
It's almost like I see the ocd coming and I try to prove in a moment of confidence that I would be fine...almost like "say this line correctly or else" and I try to say it correctly but start to mess up..then I think why did I bother TRYING to prove I could do it?
I tried to show that I wouldn't speak and I felt like it wouldn't fool me...it fooled me.
I don't get why I found myself picturing my fear...why did I move my mouth even a tiny bit, can you automatically respond to a thought?
I'm going insane.
Here were the thoughts and the responses...
"how would a person speak under a breath and not know?"
"is it possible.to speak under a breath"
Response was automatically seeing if I could speak under my breath...and as it was happening I realised and froze...I don't even remember it starting it was automatic! I was shocked.
The second one that makes me so guilty is
"what if you said half of it, not all of it, is that OK?"
Moments later I realise I'm moving my mouth slightly and it's making a noise and it freaks me out! Was this another automatic response?
I cannot understand why I was risking it, if I fear speaking why did I picture doing it, to prove I wouldn't?
Why does this feel so bad?
I really don't understand what happened or why or what's real anymore, I know it's not helping trying, I just want to know why these things happened
I feel it's taken the slightest things and made me question everything.