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ocdsufferer85

Bulletin Board User
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About ocdsufferer85

  • Birthday 03/08/1985

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive Thoughts, False Memories (I think) Checking, Responsibility, Health...

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK
  • Interests
    Art, Crafts, Animals, Nature, Photography, Comedy, Adventures, Shopping, Music, Movies, Craft & Vintage Fairs, The Unique and Qwerky, Needlefelting, Beading, Clay Sculpting, Crafting, Food.

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  1. Thanks, their reply did fill me with anxiety which was rather unpleasant at this time, however I am able to recognise that throughout this forum and after years of mental health therapy etc that it's all ocd and that so many people on here post about actions, as in "did I pick up the knife to cause harm" "did i look at that child for too long" etc etc "did I move slightly" "did I do this check for a bad reason" so on and so on, compulsive checking and testing behaviours. The ocd does convince us that the slightest reaction to the unwanted thoughts means something major. so many people on here fear they have "acted" on a thought or done something wrong and are ruminating over it, I should listen to my own advice but it's hard when the voice tells you you're bad, even though it's not your intention atall. So I cling onto intentions and how I really feel and what I really believe in. Ocd can't change them, no matter what.
  2. I know what you mean, harm ocd is very different though yes. If you actually were to go around killing people and enjoying it then it's something different but this is not the same atall.
  3. Hi thanks for the reply! I get a lot of intrusive thoughts yes for years and years and still do, I used to worry if I was to blame, I accepted I wasn't, then I had occasions where I thought well I wasn't to blame for the first one but then I had another so maybe that was my fault etc etc which made me so poorly but again I accepted this is the illness at work. It's all against what I believe and it's only upsetting me because it's not what I want to have in my head! Then it turned to worrying about an action (well speaking) so it focused on that very quickly and within minutes it had moved on to creating these horrible urges to say something I didn't want to say. I still to this day don't agree with the words as they were an intrusive thought however it latched on to this fear of "speaking under a breath" It was just one time randomly years ago I got all these bombardments of thoughts about if it was possible to speak under a breath (insane I know) Don't wanna go on and on as the post is getting too long. But it was this day where my mind went "in the moment" into a checking type testing mode , I thought rather than run away, face it head on, no idea why I just thought I could maybe prove that ocd didn't have that control over me so I tested to see if it was possible. I feel such shame and guilt for even entertaining trying to speak something or see if I would, even if it's to prove I wouldnt And of course through facing it and doing the check or whatever it was I have only landed myself with more doubt and convinced myself (or the ocd has convinced me) that I have done something really bad, that I've slipped up and that I'm a bad bad bad person for freezing up and staying in that moment where I was moving my lips slowly to see if I could speak etc The ocd voice now says "see you ARE evil" it makes me doubt everything and makes me think I did it to be bad even though that's not me! And I have no desire to be however it won't shut up! it's ramblings of a mad person I get it but I still feel shame and worry and still don't understand why it happened when at the time I didn't want to do wrong and I still don't and the words aren't even my own they were an unwanted thought. So what the heck is going on?! Over a decade of worry and guilt.
  4. No you have spoken about them online to get reassurance and get them off your chest, they aren't what you want and they aren't you they are ocd, therefor you are not a bad person!!!
  5. Basically "testing" or "checking" only seems to reinforce the worry unfortunately, because ocd has that thing over you where it can say "but you tried to do it...you wanted it etc" even though you didn't. It's a nightmare. For me it came at a time where I for once felt in control. I guess this is the only way to shock me!
  6. Anyone feel they acted In some way even by mistake just through testing and checking? Just wondered why we check or test ourselves around our fears only to land ourselves with more doubt and more guilt. Is it the ocd pulling us into the obsession and setting a trap? Of course at the end of all of it the ocd voice whispers - you ARE bad, you tried to do it, it must mean now that you are a bad person, I win! I thought in that moment that I could take control and be safe but it got me. It of course has me questioning everything now. I know this is a blip but it doesn't take long to get back into the same spirals.
  7. Struggling today, had a trigger and usually and for a long while I've accepted it's ocd, dismissed its attempts to drag me down again, but sometimes it just wins. keep blaming myself for "testing" myself in the moment, feeling shame and guilt for slight reactions to thoughts and obviously the more I focus the more it blows the scenario up and creates the worst possible "memory" I just wanna stay on track and know it's all ocd I can't stand the fact it can pop up and get you when it feels like it
  8. I too write things down! Instead of saying them! I have everything written In note books but never seem to say it outloud!
  9. Hi I'm a long time ocd sufferer constantly battling it, various subjects, themes etc, i have bad times and better times, its always there but i have learnt to try and cope with it. Anyway I just wondered if anyone had any ideas on my current on going issue, looking back ive had this for maybe...forever i dunno. I think anxiety is a big part of it. Possibly ocd too as it's all an anxiety disorder. I feel I am unable to say how I really feel in situations, in fear of upsetting others, I've done this for so long that I've realised the person I'm upsetting the most is myself. I am unsure who I am anymore, I'm an empty shell, I don't go for what I really want for more than one reason 1- Fear and 2- What if I lose everything and end up in a worse situation? 3 - Rejection - Not had much luck with making friends 4 - Failure I don't feel like I am my "own person" Anxiety has held me back for so long that I am just so behind with everything, self confidence and belief is at pretty much zero. I feel low, depressed, worthless, empty and sad and I have so many doubts and fears, I dread the future incase it crumbles. Can anyone relate to not being able to be their own person and speak up, say how they feel and just go for things. I feel like I'm running out of time I'm 38 now and feel I haven't started living properly! Thanks for listening x
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