ocdsufferer85

That's exactly how I feel. I feel like if I don't go over it then I'm bad, and when I do I get in a mess again. I feel like I believe 99% it's me and 1% is hope that it's illness. It's like I have it just pretend it's not there but as soon as I feel some joy or there's a quiet moment it creeps up and makes my stomach churn. I feel the guilt bubble up. It's like i have a secret that's just buried for now until I return to ruminating later

I know. No I don't want to get sucked back in. Hoping it's just a glitch. I've been doing so much resisting of ruminating. You're only seeing the bad times, I've not been here for ages. I just get blips. Its rubbish. I want it gone forever.

It was a moment where I thought "this time you can't win" and then...ocd won. I wish I saw it coming!

No polar I'm wondering why and what caused it. For me to one day feel I could take it on, and it ended up with me spiking and being fooled!

All of it

I am finding it so hard to accept it's ocd I try and try and try

I was responding to someone else

I'm not asking what happened.

No what I'm saying is reading other people's stories makes me feel better, that it IS possible for an illness to cause such a mess, that things can be out of my control...even when I think I should be in control.

Feel like I shouldn't be here

I just feel like a monster. If my fear is to speak bad then why didn't I make sure I was certain I didn't, why in that moment did I feel that I was either so close or just like something was happening? I go over this constantly. But I've also compared it to other stories I've read...someone was worried about hurting their child, they had a thought to touch them and did, but they didn't want to. Others got strong urges over things and felt themselves literally holding their hands back from hitting people etc. At the end of all this I didn't want to speak and they didn't want to hurt anyone. So why are we left feeling disgusting and unable to accept it's ocd?

Damn.

This is religious ocd I have it too Try not to worry Jesus knows you're ill He won't be angry atall I wish I could take my own advice!

Yes I deffo feel sucked in by this monster

I'm also obsessing over why I reacted in certain ways, people say they test things in ocd but I can't make sense of why I would, so does that make me bad, no idea anymore it's all a mixture of what ifs. I've read people testing or checking as part of ocd....but I don't know why my response was the way it was... Also I've read that people feel like in the moment it isn't ocd, or that they wanted to act then felt guilty afterwards, so I guess it plays with us in so many ways. It's just so hard to accept it's the illness and not ourselves because if it was easy we would all be recovered and wouldn't be anxious anymore. It's such a nasty thing being so confused by your own head and hearing so many angles of the same tiny event that you no longer know what's real....but feel the need to feel guilty just in case it's you. I don't feel like being the kind of person who dismisses it as ocd... I feel like a liar. Anyone experience this? I don't want to be told that I'm asking for reassurance I want to know that others experience such muddled up ideas?