ocdsufferer85

Hi just wanted to update you I'm trying my best to keep going and not listen to old I want to ignore it the best I can Also I have homework to keep writing out things I don't like to say/think/write to prove it doesn't mean anything Obviously the ocd is saying but what if...what if I am actually bad, etc but trying to keep pushing through Currently writing things I can't stand to write because it's lies but I'll keep at it. Desperate to go over things but trying to keep it simple with a simple 'no, it's ocd, that's what it does" Hard work....eek.

How can an illness take your happiness with the slightest of actions, it's like living on a knife edge

Going mad, literally. There's no way to fix my head I just don't wanna be here anymore!

I know I know delete it all if you want to my heads just a mess

Has anyone with ocd ever felt like they were half in control but also an urge to test theirselves, or am I just bad. I don't know what feeling is real any more, I felt like I had a voice saying you're fine and a voice saying but you could do it.

I don't feel like I've made any sense I haven't got it right. I'm so tired I can't type it properly it's just a fog.

OK is this an easier question... If you feel these urges does ocd make you feel like you need to test yourself to see if you could do it? I don't understand why when I am so careful all the time, how in that moment I relaxed and it immediately fooled me. So if I don't stay on guard and be super careful 24/7 this is what happens.

I felt like I'd won, I was sure of myself and the slightest thing actually took this away, it took the slightest doubt and it ruined me! So should I blame myself for showing off to ocd, was I trying to be bad? Why do I feel like the moment I got some peace I tempted fate and screwed up?

Hi guys. I've got so used to having this disorder that I have forgotten how to be happy, I just feel like my head is so messed up, i have so much to solve, if I don't it means I'm hiding something bad, I'm bad and don't deserve to move forward. It's just exhausting. Anyway the post is just something I Want to get out, I don't know if it's a repeat. I just feel it all bottling up. I want to know if anyone understands what Im trying to explain The feelings that come with ocd and how it feels real, literally real When I had my 'event' that I've been going over for years, the feelings at the time have made it impossible to know what everything means and I know people will say you don't need to KNOW but I do. OK so when I had my intrusive thoughts come into my head it lead me to feel like I was able, or could easily act on them, (acting for me is speaking just so you know it's not harm ocd) So OK it's there, ocd is suggesting "what if I speak this thought" "it could just slip out" with these thoughts came FEELINGS...like it was suggesting it to me and I felt like I could just do it, I don't know why, why does it feel like an urge when it's the last thing you want? Why does it feel like this? It feels like I was glad of the control but I somehow was trying to show ocd that I was in charge in that moment. Is this testing? What is this feeling? I just want to know why it FEELS like a real urge? Does it make me a bad person for getting the thought and then pausing to think "I could just do it" feeling this urge...how do I know what's real? Is it a real urge? When this urge was happening part of me thought nah I'm not falling for ocds rubbish....but another part made me.feel like I was blancing on the edge and I don't know why? It happened a couple of times, I tried to avoid the thoughts but they kept coming.... I tried to say no but I feel like it kept drawing me in to respond to it... As soon as I felt myself listening to the thoughts again I felt like I was testing myself but why, why did I feel the need to stick around and prove I wouldn't mess up...why when I could have run away from it? Can self confidence and logic make you feel like you can stand up to ocd but then the irrational takes over and makes you worse? I really thought I'd won, I'd figured out it was silly but then I end up worried sick that I made a mistake. I know this post is one long rumination I know, but I'm hoping someone can pick out the parts about FEELINGS and give me insight please. It's almost like I see the ocd coming and I try to prove in a moment of confidence that I would be fine...almost like "say this line correctly or else" and I try to say it correctly but start to mess up..then I think why did I bother TRYING to prove I could do it? I tried to show that I wouldn't speak and I felt like it wouldn't fool me...it fooled me. I don't get why I found myself picturing my fear...why did I move my mouth even a tiny bit, can you automatically respond to a thought? I'm going insane. Here were the thoughts and the responses... "how would a person speak under a breath and not know?" "is it possible.to speak under a breath" Response was automatically seeing if I could speak under my breath...and as it was happening I realised and froze...I don't even remember it starting it was automatic! I was shocked. The second one that makes me so guilty is "what if you said half of it, not all of it, is that OK?" Moments later I realise I'm moving my mouth slightly and it's making a noise and it freaks me out! Was this another automatic response? I cannot understand why I was risking it, if I fear speaking why did I picture doing it, to prove I wouldn't? Why does this feel so bad? I really don't understand what happened or why or what's real anymore, I know it's not helping trying, I just want to know why these things happened I feel it's taken the slightest things and made me question everything.

My ocd is very much controlling myself and if I don't I feel bad. Control and watch my moves...and If I don't then what on earth happened

I feel like it's like a person who spent years avoiding cracks on a pavement and then one day thought will doing this really prevent the worst? What if I just stood on It? I won't but what if? Then they brush their foot past it and freak out and realise maybe they just did it..by mistake, and now they are in danger

No I'm not I'm just showing you that's what happens, it's like a battle between a normal person and not...

Is it 'normal' or common to get hung up on the smallest of things and turn it into a massive worry? At the time I knew that as the moments passed by it would get worse....it was like "oh no what just happened?!" to "it's nothing" "wait...is it nothing? I can't be sure now" "what if it was something bad?" "what happened?" "did it happen this way or that way?" and the longer it's gone on the more questions are there. Rather than sticking with believing it was all silly and ocd making a problem over nothing...or making me feel like I should monitor my every motion. This was the one day I decided to say to ocd nah...not this time....but then it was like...how can I put it...it's like I ran towards the fire...to prove I wasn't gonna get burnt....but I end up freaking out and it's made me lose any confidence I did have.

I'm finding it too hard. It just comes back. I'm never free. And I can't work out why things happened and what's even true.

I can have long spells without ruminating and if it does pop up I can say NO THIS IS OCD and continue with my day But it always comes back eventually... there will be a day where ITS OCD doesn't cut it and the urge to solve the puzzle is there again... which then starts it off again. If I try to leave it, I feel so tortured and unable to function the same. I don't know how to make this OCD topic be gone forever...it's always on hold...waiting to bite, the same topic, no others, they come and they go but this sticks. It's number 1 on the worry chain. How can I feel free when it keeps hanging on?!