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About ocdsufferer85

  • Birthday 03/08/1985

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive Thoughts, False Memories (I think) Checking, Responsibility, Health...

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    Art, Crafts, Animals, Nature, Photography, Comedy, Adventures, Shopping, Music, Movies, Craft & Vintage Fairs, The Unique and Qwerky, Needlefelting, Beading, Clay Sculpting, Crafting, Food.

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  1. What I mean is physical illness is easier to see and accept, mental causes so much doubt
  2. Hey if I could just believe my problem was all ocd then I'd be happy to hear it! The best part of having ocd... If there is a best part... Is being diagnosed so you lessen the guilt on your shoulder
  3. I havent heard of that, tacit? I tried to look it up but was confused haha. Yes it's not a planned exposure Im trying to get my head around it
  4. I feel like I wanted to face and beat the ocd, to show it I was in control, but in doing so it's found ways to make the doubt creep in and question everything. So facing the fear doesn't help, and living in fear of doing something doesn't help. So what do we do? Testing just makes it worse in the end, it's terrible. As I mentioned before, I read of someone facing their fear of knives one day, they picked up the knife to see if they actually would harm themselves or others... Then found themselves lifting the knife closer to themselves, freaked out and put the knife away, then sat in fear ruminating why they moved the knife towards themself, why it happened, what did it mean. So what was initially something to try and end the fear turned into something that reinforced the fear by 10000% That's how I feel. I got some confidence and decided to test myself and then freaked out as soon as the ocd planted doubts and I question my every move and motive in those seconds. I sit here today beating myself up for not running away and avoiding all this, I am angry at myself for being too confident in myself only for it to backfire. How do I now move away from self blame, it's the hardest part.
  5. Yes I do see that, I understand there's no end and the more you delve the more it creates problems. However if I'm able to grasp it then I don't feel the need to delve further. That's how I've been coping, blocking it. It's difficult because when you see something you fear and wouldn't want to ever do, then the ocd drives you close it really makes you question yourself, I don't know how an illness can make you feel so so so bad of a person it's insane. Thank you for your help.
  6. Thank you, I only keep asking because I just wanted someone to answer the direct question, does ocd drive a person to test or come close to their fear, that's what's annoying me, I am always worried that I'm different.
  7. This isn't helpful. It seems to be the ocd forums run by one person telling me not to ask anything. Why would anyone use a forum other than to ask questions? Ergh!
  8. I don't find it helpful, im on here looking for advice around ocd and for me not to be able to discuss ocd or have insight into it is pointless! I have an ocd obsession yes, I'm wanting to understand it more but for someone to say it might not be isn't helpful atall! I just want to hear from other sufferers, not people who say who cares if it's ocd and no I'm not gonna discuss ocd. It's an ocd forum. I understand reassure seeking is no good. But to never have any advice given other than "stop asking" "who knows" "nobody answer" what's the point of being in this community? If I go to therapy they don't say to me no we aren't discussing your illness...they try to help me understand and accept it. I can't begin to accept it if someone says oh well nobody can tell u if it's ocd. The key is to accept its ocd and recover... To not know isn't helpful in any way. I've been managing It alot more but it seems when I reach out during a blip instead of support its more like go away and nobody here is gonna advise you. So I can't be bothered anymore! The only thing that keeps me going and gives me hope is hearing others stories and feeling less alone, and I begin to see its ocd, but this isn't helpful. Nothing is worse than being told to let it go and whatever. It's very important to me and I can't let it go. I want to understand how ocd works and not beat myself up for its behaviour. Had enough of this, I feel awful and then I come here for some help and feel worse!
  9. I'm asking in general is it normal to have these tests and stuff and not understanding why? It seems so alien. I just want some peace. Can you help me to understand it?
  10. I did that, but it still returns! And its just one part that keeps it alive for me, and I wanna know if testing is typical
  11. Is that what happened with me? Testing to see if speaking whilst breathing out was possible? But can it feel like you're wanting to do wrong in that moment or that you've began to give in to an unwanted urge? This is what I wanted to discuss in relation to the advice you gave to the person in this post. I feel like I automatically tested weather my fear would be possible, I found myself testing it and it shocked me that I was doing that, but then moments later I found myself doing it again which makes me fear I was trying to do wrong. I don't remember choosing to test it again but I feel bad for it happening twice. My mind is fried, reliving a moment that lasted probably a couple of minutes many years ago. Why has it left me like this after so long when it's the last thing I wanted. I regret trying to face the illness and face the fear because all its done is ruin my life
  12. Hi, this has gone on for years I've had numerous rounds of cbt My fear is based on a line in the bible about not being forgiven, so it's latched onto it in the most literal way It's my worst ocd, one I've never been able to shake for the past nearly 10 years, it's ruined my life I've been doing alot better but I have these dips, less often than I used to but still It comes back to get me I just keep reliving this one day When it hit me with "what if you said it" etc and I did not want to, have never wanted to, but it's almost like the moment I had abit of confidence that I wouldn't ever do that, ocd found a way to make me doubt myself. I feel like as the thoughts were flying in, I engaged in them rather than ignore, which normally I'd try to do I decided to try and prove to myself? Or to ocd? That I wouldn't do it, and it's ended up messing me up more and making me question why and what happened etc. I know I have no desire to do it but it's making me question my every motive and reason for what I did that moment.
  13. Since I posted. I've been doing well, had a few hiccups but they don't seem to last as long and I've been able to pick myself up and keep going. The last day or two has been rough though. Cant seem to get out of the rut and I feel like it's falling on top of me again. With the one burning question (s) - Does testing yourself in ocd happen and can it leave you feeling as though in that moment you were able to take a risk or get close to acting out your fear? I keep going back to one point in my rumination and worry, a point where I found myself testing a second time weather I could speak under a breath, I found myself mouthing and freaked out a little because I heard the slightest sound. I'm fed up of it coming back to make me feel guilty. I don't remember why or choosing to do it, I just remember it happening and at the time thinking woah what am I doing. Whatever was happening at the time it didn't spike me up and I was able to work out that nothing had happened, but now it's like "are you sure? What if you did something" I am fed up with false memory and just feeling so much doubt and guilt. Please can anyone help me out, can you feel like you need to test your fear? I read about someone picking up a knife to see if they would harm themself and then without thinking they brought the knife up towards themself and freaked out once they realised what they were doing. I feel like that's what I did, I realised I was mouthing again (my fear is to say something under my breath that I don't want to say to god) I feel like I found myself mouthing and panicked when I realised it was happening, like they did with the movements with a knife. I hope this happens in ocd. I've been working hard at all this and set backs make me feel so bad :(
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