ocdsufferer85

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No I'd love to recover

Deleted? I'm confused!

Who are the few who recovered?

What is the forum for? Whatever I type I get told it's wrong. I thought it was to be supported.

I read it, it does make sense and I can relate to it so much, but the one thing I struggle with is when people say it's just a thought and you are not your thoughts. My ruminating is going over something I felt I did wrong, like I reacted to the thoughts wrongly, I'm doubting weather I did something wrong, and that makes the voice "it's not ocd, you acted" so much louder. At the time I felt like I did wrong or at least afterwards when the crazy what ifs came in. Either way I worry I acted in a bad way. The feelings the thoughts gave me felt real, like I could just act out, it then felt like I was careless and so on. Obviously ocd has blown the whole thing up massively and made me question everything. But this is why I fear reading about ocd...I always think that's not me....I'm worse....I actually AM evil. Endless websites stating "you will never act" just fill me with guilt and dread and fear and they keep it going. As explained on my earlier threads, I recognise so many types of ocd I have and had in the past...and at the time I KNEW it was ocd...it didn't make it easier at the time but it certainly helped me to recover and set myself goals. I was able to forgive myself. This one really doesn't shift and it's so heartbreaking. It's so much more complex. The rumination and guilt kills me. I just want you to all know I am desperate to try and get better but this is the reason why I don't seem to take in your advice because inside me I feel like it's not ocd. This is the worst. I am so frightened to think that it could just be that I am beyond the illness and that's it. This is why I ask, I want to be able to take in WHY it's ocd. The whole thing. Please be careful if replying, if I read something that could trigger me I'll be way worse. I can't handle more. Thank you.

No my therapist is nice, she is the best one, but I keep failing

OK thank you

I have a therapist. If I could believe them easily I'd be cured.

I don't understand, I'm not asking ANY questions, I'm saying that is what I'm facing. I don't want any reassurance. Its impossible to just talk on here!

Usually when I have an intrusive thought I know it's coming, sometimes it just flies in out of the blue, but how come when I think that I'm finally more free of it does it then attack, why when I'm more logical does it take that away, and turn that onto "how could you act that way" "you were just So cocky" "you chose to be bad" "you decided to risk it" "you tried to act out" "you thought you could test me" "what kind of person stops being careful at such an important moment" "why did you freeze up" "why did you consider it" "what kind of monster does what you did" Those questions take me down, it's impossible to get up most of the time. It's like a constant battle against those! "you know what you did" "you caused this" "you are evil" "nobody else would do such a thing" "how could you do this" "it's all your fault now live with it" I feel like it's kicking me repeatedly until I no longer feel worthy of living.

I'm really anxious and I don't feel too well

Hi I'm going to try again to move forward I feel like it's the most monumental task Ocd has taken a moment in time and made me replay it over and over until I question every single part of it, when really at the time I wasn't fully aware until after, when the doubts came in. I set out with no intentions of being bad, but somehow it made me feel like I did something I feared the most. Ocd didn't like me being able to relax and face it, or to trust myself...it took that away as soon as it could. I feel like the moment I actually started to beat it and be more 'normal' it used this against me to bring me down. I feel like it's going to be the hardest Job in the world to get past it. My stomach is churning and I feel riddled with guilt and doubt. I'm so uncomfortable and unsure of everything. But I am going to try to get past it.

Yes! I cannot help it, I wish I could see it from your view but it's what I fear, I can't help it! Yes I want to recover, I don't enjoy just existing

You know how those thoughts scared me, the ones firing in for all those years, this finally didn't scare me, I didn't think I'd be fooled.