ocdsufferer85

Thank you. Today I feel it nagging away at me... The doubt and the fear that I did wrong, or that my motives were wrong. The guilt doesn't go away for this "wrong doing" feeling

Why is it that on some days I can see the worry I have as being quite small and I'm able to keep it in it's box..feel abit more free and hopeful But other days it seems massive and the nagging doubt makes everything seem frightening, that feeling in the pit of your stomach and nothing seems to help Its like there is a rational part of my brain but it only works on certain days...

I know. I feel ill. On edge and panicky.

I try it though and always go back to this! Because it's never not bothered me in all this time.

I'm still going over (which I know I shouldn't) why I acted a certain way I don't know why if im afraid of 'speaking' a bad thought aloud, did I find myself mouthing / moving my lips as to see if I could speak under my breath, I don't know why. It's the why, the what isn't as important because I knew at the time and still know now I didn't say what I feared saying (and yes I know you will all say I should be saying it) I'm just concerned with the WHY'S... I've realised this for a while now because what actually happened if anything at this time wasn't anything bad...it's WHY.. Like why....when I have a fear of something like this, why create doubt and why test it, I don't know if I was testing myself, I don't know WHY. What is the reason? As I've said before someone who fears knives sometimes feels tempted to try and pick one up, why, is it to prove they won't do wrong...or is it a moment of being 'bad' I don't know I get so much guilt from not knowing why, of course ocd says the latter option "you were bad, admit it" But all of this makes me feel so guilty for that moment when I felt I lost all focus, and as silly as it sounds...I let the breath out without thinking...which caused the ocd to say NOW YOUVE DONE IT!!!!!! You have no idea what just came out!!! Ha ha ha I win. I am so tired of this big jumble of thoughts and the guilt attached, this picture that's been painted that I don't even know If it's real or not. Fed up!

@PolarBear This makes sense right - You have someone who is a pedophile, they don't care, they want to think the way they do because that's the way they are. Then you have a person who isn't a pedophile, doesn't have ocd, has a weird thought about their kid for a second but doesn't dwell on it. Moves on. Then there's the person with ocd, and their fear happens to be about being a pedophile, gets endless bad thoughts, urges, and feels guilty, has to eventually do exposure and think these things on purpose or do random exposures like not worry about changing nappies, or not being super careful around them, etc. Are the latter two still good people? One with illness one without? Because I always look at the none sufferer and think they wouldn't ever think this stuff, they wouldn't have these urges, they wouldn't test theirself etc, so I automatically put myself in the bad person who doesn't care category.

It's like if I have a fear of being a pedophile...and I finally think No! No ocd I'm not, I won't look at the kids in the playground in a sexual way. No. But then my mind went what if u just did it now, it's so easy to look at them.. And I was like no! But found my eyes looking slightly towards the playground... Then panicking and realising I nearly looked, but phew...I haven't looked. Now let's think of something else....lets look at the trees...wait...I'm not focused did my eyes just catch the playground when I went to look at the trees? Oh no I wasn't focusing. Am I now a pedophile? I had the urge to look, I was so confident, and now I may have made a mistake... Does this make sense?

In those moments I felt like I was facing my fear head on, showing ocd I wasn't gonna hide. This is actually what a therapist would recommend to do! But I have been stuck in the doubting myself phase ever since! It's like part way through I realised but ended up being tricked anyway. I literally thought there's no way you'll fool me now, then I was aware of it all happening and I just thought don't be silly I won't do that. Don't fall for it. But I started to feel anxious and not trust my logical mind anymore, so I then felt myself revert back to safety behaviour (which involved me distracting myself from it) and that's when it won! How can I concentrate AND distract myself at the same time?!

I felt this crippling fear that suddenly I didn't know exactly what just happened... Because I wanted to block the ocd and not watch my every move. Which isn't normal anyway. But still the guilt stays

I haven't said it even, but ocd has made it seem like I tried to and that I was bad all these years because of the feelings in that moment, and it makes me doubt myself so as soon as there was any noise (breath) coming out I suddenly feared I had spoke by accident. I know I can't live this way. Afraid to open my mouth.

I just feel like why would it make me better to say it? If I had pocd and was made to imagine inappropriate images of children I'd be thinking...this is making it worse.. Why do that to feel even worse about yourself? Supposedly the fear fades...but it won't! I'm taking it a step at a time and trying to not respond to thoughts and to create them and not respond. That's my limit.

My biggest fear is not knowing if I acted on my biggest fear! And whats am I worried about? I'm worried that I tested myself and now I'm doubting if I acted on it by mistake, or from testing. I'm worried what testing meant - Testing myself out of bravery (to stand up to ocd rather than run, to prove I wouldn't do it) Testing myself because of an urge (urges feel so real. It seems like because the idea came in "you could do it now" it felt like an urge came to do it, but I didn't WANT to. But did I try and give in?! What is this testing about. My greatest fear is to live in doubt over such a frightening thing to me, and how do I stop blaming myself for now feeling like it has come true! I constantly say "this is the last place I wanted to be" "why didn't I do better" "why am I here?!" "am I a monster?" "is it all my fault and this is my punishment?" I want to start again and be happy. Any advice would be welcomed..I don't mean to be asking for reassurance either I know it doesn't work, I just want to know if anyone can relate

Thank you, it's horrible though this whole thing seems too big to fight

Bad! Haha.

Back at the homework I failed at last time, its hard purposely thinking something you don't wanna think I'm trying to not respond, soon as I don't respond a WORSE thought comes to throw a spanner in the works Trying to not respond though Had a couple successful attempts today Just trying to get my head around it all and believe that in ocd it does take on the form of urges that feel real. I'm always afraid I'm different because my worry is "did I act on my fear?" "was it my fault?" it is a constant circle. Feeling guilty for anything that seemed to be ME, even though I dont have the desire to act out in my heart, my head makes me think I slipped up and gave in. When it says "you could just do it" it feels like a real urge, like I'm watching my moves, but I don't want to do it! Anyway I'm trying again