ocdsufferer85

Thank you for your kind words it made me feel like I could cry! I don't mean in a bad way!

I am realising my whole ocd problem, the main part is my response to attacks. If I get intrusive thoughts and think i have responded to them wrong I start to blame myself and believe they are my fault. So many times I get thoughts and dismiss them but then sometimes I start to engage with them and then I start to question if they were started by me, or like my recent one, that I've got angry and said the wrong thing or that I agree when I do not. It's always so much worse when I'm stressed, this one occasion it caught me when upset and frustrated with my situation in life, my bad luck constantly, i started thinking why I'd be questioning god "why me" and i agreed to that, felt awful and panicked, and then somehow it advanced further to making me think i also agreed to a previous thought before it, that i "agree with my ocd thoughts" I have this huge new fear that im answering wrong to it, and that ive made a mistake and ive got angry and snapped. It's agonising because none of this is what I want or believe but when i feel upset it makes me feel like it's even more real and I've been a bad person and done my greatest fear. I have to replay it to make sure I didn't put it there etc. It all happens without warning leaving me questioning exactly what happened. This morning I wake up, a horrible intrusion pops through my mind, I then have the thought of agreeing with it pop in and before I could stop it I felt like I went hmm. But I do not agree! Please please help me out I am losing all will to be here and it's so sad I want my life but not like this.

Ocd is telling me I have said that I agree to all it's awful intrusions, even though I don't, my fear is that when I was frustrated in a split second I snapped or something, because I remember agreeing to something else but it's saying I included the ocd too. I know it sounds madness. Today it's caught me when half asleep throwing more vile thoughts in and I had a split second thought of imagining agreeing and I accidentally did the sound and I'm just sick to death of it. It's totally the opposite of what I think. But somehow it always finds a way to make me think I've done the worst thing ever. The main worry right now is that I was frustrated with my life, I got an intrusive thought, it wound me up more, I got further thoughts I THINK about how I would be mad at life and question "why me" to god, and then it's said I've also agreed to the first thought. "You agree with ocd now" I have felt so fed up that I am unsure what's happened and I'm scared to death that I said something or gestured something in anger which would add up to me agreeing with that statement, it's all a muddle and I've just lost my hope

Today I woke up with the worst intrusive thought and was half asleep and was getting the image of going hmm I think like I agreed and I then did the action automatically then panicked because I don't agree atall this is getting insane

I know how you feel I have been away and burst into tears at the hotel everything feels tainted with guilt and shame over my false memory real event it's weighed me down the entire time and made me feel as though I can't do anything and don't deserve it. I am looking normal from the outside but inside i feel harrowing torment

How can I live with this

I am really struggling it's just not giving me any peace atall I'm getting so poorly, everything feels wrong, I am constantly anxious and panicking or I feel an empty shell like I'm just existing, getting through the days. Everything is tainted by guilt and shame. I want to know what exactly happened in my recent "ocd attack" or "episode" but although it was probably so minor and irrelevant the longer it's gone on the more fear and doubts I have. I am desperately afraid that I have under a moment of stress not feeling myself said that I "agree" with my awful intrusive thoughts, I know i DONT but the fear is that thought about my bad luck and agreed with ocd in a moment of madness. Ocd could have fabricated this part of the memory but I can't disprove it anymore. I can't settle until i know but I can't wind back time I feel trapped. I am afraid that I have snapped and agreed or something, or gestured that I agree at least. I know I don't but I'm worried that in a split second response to my thoughts I thought of my bad luck and agreed with ocd. Even though I think I was "agreeing" to some other thought I'm afraid I included the ocd thought, and it's been that long I don't even remember what my thoughts were it's just all distorted and a mess. Bottom line is - I fear I've said I agree to it in a moment of upset even though I don't, and can't make any sense of it atall. The reason I'm so afraid is I am scared I've upset god and I'm a bad person and I am doomed and lost. I don't mean any of this, I was stressed upset and frustrated. I keep posting over and over and I know this! I really do! But I am tormented.

Thank you, everyone. All I want to do is accept that if we think things in anger it doesn't mean anything.Its human and it's ok. It doesn't mean I'm bad or actually change as a person. If it doesn't mean anything then I don't need to work it out. I can leave this alone and be ok. I just want my bed and to feel safe right now I'm tormented and my mum is so sad for me.

Hi I'm really really struggling and this was the thing I wanted to look at again. I am being tormented not knowing what thought is real and what even happened All I know is I agreed to something and ocd is telling me and told me at the time that I agreed with its lies. I am afraid that in a moment of anger and upset whilst feeling emotional as you said, that somehow I've in some way made out that I agreed with it, due to my constant bad luck. But I don't. I don't agree. I am exhausted and can't make it make sense my memory is totally off and has been from the start of it I think because nothing makes any sense to me! I just have this horrible fear that I've thought about my situation in a few seconds, got wound up and just said I agree but I don't

the problem is I could be confessing to snapping in anger, but it's probably not even true, it's just incase as the memory is so cloudy and ocd has taken over I am sad in tears every day

@Garfield hi thanks for replying it's all taking a toll on my body again, having just recovered from extreme physical stress and hyperstimulation I can feel parts of this creeping back it's really exhausting my body. I can't even replay what "happened" because my mind can no longer see what is actually a memory or not, and I can't even see how I even linked the two things together to have the worry in the first place. I am exhausted by it all, have CBT tomorrow hopefully can come away with a better view of things. It's a hard journey isn't it, one minute you're away on holiday trying to enjoy life the next ocd has got you in a corner and left you feeling undeserving of life, within seconds? It's not right is it? Life shouldn't be this difficult so something isn't right, something isn't logical. I actually do feel better reading what you said even though it's only a small sentence or two, for you to say I'm not making excuses and it does happen, it means alot thank you x

So if ocd and stress causes us to think and react differently then whatever happened isn't the true me, as I'm so so deeply anxious guilty and upset at the thought of it. So if something happened it wasn't meant, and if nothing happened it also is just the illness. I am afraid to move on as I feel I'm missing something or guilty of something. If I responded wrongly to a thought that came into my head does this make me bad or is it just proof I don't mean it by how upset I am? Does it prove it wasn't my usual way of thinking due to the stress? Or am I making excuses? I just don't know how to move on from something I possibly thought wrong, I am used to intrusions coming in and saying no to them, but to think I may have slipped up and got frustrated and said I agree when I don't seems the total end of my world and really really bad. Even though I know it's nothing I'd ever mean any of it, the thought of slipping up or acting out or thinking or responding wrong makes me sick to my stomach. Im afraid if I say I agree in a snap of anger that I am as bad as someone who actually agrees.

How come the title changed?

Nothing distracts me from this worry though sadly, nothing seems more important than one's salvation.