ocdsufferer85

Thank you for this, most people either ingore my posts or tell me to stop asking the questions. It's helpful to have actual advise. Yes I do have ocd. I think what proves it is my reaction to something that others around me see as totally illogical and it doesn't effect them in the slightest. Obsessing and having these fears and horrible unwanted thoughts and ideas isn't normal. I think it's just so unfair that the illness gets into your brain and muddles up with the real you...and then you doubt who you are, the worst thing about ocd is having this guilt ...but the illness itself causes the guilt...but you're buried in the guilt so deep that it's hard to see it's the illness! An epileptic doesn't feel guilty for having epilepsy, but ocd makes you feel guilty over everything and totally removes itself and tells you it's all YOU. ITS A NIGHTMARE!!! I have had tons and tons of therapy, I've had ocd since a very young age and I've had every kind you can think of... however this one has been the absolute worst and I haven't moved away from it in nearly 10 years... Others come and go but this stays. It's a daily battle and im used to having it now, it's automatic to respond in the ways that I do now..I can't remember a time without this worry anymore. I guess when you're geared up you can plan things out as you say exposure you're focused and do it safely...however with my worry it happened on the spot and I just froze up and approached it with no planning because it was just happening..the thoughts were there, I was calm and relaxed, I felt in that moment quite good because I thought I was in control, I decided to try to prove it and it's used this against me. It's turned the most minute thing into a monster of a worry. It'll have been a minute or two at the time ..but blowing it up and analyzing it for all this time it's become massive and its added all these details that weren't even there at the time! However it's made me believe whatever it says JUST INCASE..or I feel bad if I don't feel guilty for it...just in case that part happened etc. It's become a learned behaviour to ruminate and take the blame for anything it says I have done...when the reality of the tiny event would be the tiniest of things,its added so many things like WHAT IF THIS HAPPENED...WHAT IF YOU DID THIS...etc and my mind has filled in the blanks ... Made lots of false memories within it. Anyway I am trying my best to accept it's ocd and that I am not alone, I read many ppls stories on these forums and they sound very similar to me...which shows that we are all suffering with the same illness. Thank you for reading and replying!

Hi thank you, it's horrible that the only way out of ocd is to face the fear ..because facing the fear makes it all the more real to me, and then I sit and beat myself up and think what a monster I've just been!!!! I didn't plan to do any exposure it just happened in the moment because to me I thought there's no way it'd 'win' this time. However it didn't stop until I spiked up in horror at the thought that id messed up , ever since I've been saying to myself why didn't I walk away from it whilst I felt good. People with ocd run from fears so why did I do that, why did I freeze up, why did I take a risk.. And then it's ended up worse then ever. I like your replies they make alot of sense ,it's just hard to get past this horrid illness I mean the last few days I thought ...I am back to square one, I can't do this anymore, I shouldn't be alive, I shouldn't be here, I am evil. And however mad it seems to anyone else it feels real inside and I feel so drained and ashamed and terrified. When the spiral starts it's hard to see a way forward again, I have been dealing with it much better but I get these dips and visit the forum and then it seems like I've made no progress and I get told off for posting the same stuff. I want to know when or if I'm allowed to be happy again, free from guilt, I feel tainted and that I don't deserve to live or get a big house or do anything nice, I feel like I'm trapped. What can I tell myself ? How can I convince myself I am ill?

I feel with me and this day I ruminate over, well not day, a moment in a day many years ago.. That because for once I didn't jump up and run away from my fears that it's caused my worries to escalate to a massive level. I thought facing it would shut it off once and for all looking at it now, but it CREATED the monster of a worry that I can't shake fully. Every day I worry that I am a bad person, bad because I worry that i did something wrong, I'm worried that because I didnt react in my usual way and I listened to ocds horrible ideas that I somehow became evil in that moment. It's just a moment that I could never have planned and because it was so unplanned and unintended it's so hard when replaying it a billion times to work out what is even real or what the exact reason for it all was. Does this make sense...in a nonsensical way?! I don't want to ruminate about it but it still holds on year after year..if I could just see that it's OCD I could slam the door in its face. It's so awful having this fear that you did wrong, and blaming yourself. If someone said to me now just say the sentence you fear , I wouldnt, or if someone said try to do it, go on... I wouldn't. It's simple. But in that moment amidst all these Intrusive thoughts my reactions are so different when put on the spot. I feel I responded wrong and keep blaming myself. I tried to prove I was winning and wouldn't be fooled and the more I tried the bigger the spike was in the end. Sorry for the waffle. I just want it to end.

I find it so hard when OCD throws back memories of moments that are blown up no doubt but it still feels real And in the moment that I feel my fear took over it felt real, it felt like I was gonna do the thing I fear It tells me I wanted to, or I was bad. It's told me so much that the tiny event that had no intent behind it has spiralled into a massive load of guilt and shame and the lies have made a huge web I can't be the only one who feels like their OCD fear was about to or happened, it keeps going because it keeps blaming me I want to hear peoples stories and how they came to a point or several points where they felt they acted on their fear even though it's not what they want (or it wouldn't be a fear) Fearing you have become your...biggest fear... is the worst part of it

I know I just had to give in this time, and all it does it worsen things! OCD is horrid. Erghhhhh!

Checking can be a compulsion can't it, because I've ended up checking to see if my fear is even possible, having a bad copule days I've given in to checking it..and of course it lead me to believe I messed up and said the thing I fear instead of something similar.. My fear is saying a certain thing under my breath So I was seeing if it was possible to speak whilst exhaling and seeing if I would remember if I'd said something or if it could be done without moving my mouth (insane I know) It's caused me to worry further I was checking for reassurance

Please does anyone understand how i feel? Is it possible to be unsure if you are to blame for letting "bad thoughts in" Sometimes im able to say no thats ocd other times like this one i am worried I've caused it or could have acted differently and prevented it. Its like if I don't immediately say its lies or ocd i feel unsafe and then the other morning i fear that once the trigger came in which was "what if you thought the worst thoughts now..." i felt them come through, but i felt calm. So i think well if im calm does it mean i dont care, and if i felt it coming could i have stopped it ? Please help.

Hi ive had a bit of a dip with ocd the last day or two and need some help, tried to dismiss it like i do more often than not now, im doing alot better I just cant shake this at the moment Yesterday i was waking up and o remember having intrusive thoughts, out of the blue as usual I didn't panic too much because its nothing new to me. But what happened was the thoughts turned to "what if you were to think the worst one now, and let it through" Obviously that then caused my brain to pick out even worse sentences I feel like i kind of froze up or didnt really react quickly enough like i let them in or i could have stopped them When a few happen in a row i start to feel like its me that's creating, welcoming or letting them in. I've been ruminating ever since and it's blurry but I can't shake this guilty feeling In cbt i was told to create the thoughts and repeat them until they worried me less...this didnt reallt work. I just feel terribly evil and guilty. I don't want to be the cause of nasty thoughts towards god. I dont agree with them atall, they are lies and not my personal thoughts or feelings or beliefs. But when i have these delayed responses I feel I did wrong. Ocd convinces me I've done bad and tested it or acted out. Please, can anyone offer any advice or at least tell me im not alone, i wanna move forward and not feel so bad. Thank you

Hi the current pandemic has set my responsibility ocd into over over over drive Constant fear for my parents Obsessing but rightly so over cleanliness Dreading all outside contact to them They are self isolating I am at a loss of how to handle it Anyone got tips? It soon becomes well I touched that then touched that and breathed and sniffed near that and next minute I believe I will cause harm or death to another person Work is extremely limited now as I work with mainly elderly. And the job I went to yesterday lead me to tears and panic and calling them to make sure they sprayed where I may have sniffed or exhaled from the nose. It's hell. I'm having nightmares, I'm sleeping loads, and I don't like going out, because of fear of causing harm to others not me. Please any advice?

What I mean is physical illness is easier to see and accept, mental causes so much doubt

Hey if I could just believe my problem was all ocd then I'd be happy to hear it! The best part of having ocd... If there is a best part... Is being diagnosed so you lessen the guilt on your shoulder

I havent heard of that, tacit? I tried to look it up but was confused haha. Yes it's not a planned exposure Im trying to get my head around it

I feel like I wanted to face and beat the ocd, to show it I was in control, but in doing so it's found ways to make the doubt creep in and question everything. So facing the fear doesn't help, and living in fear of doing something doesn't help. So what do we do? Testing just makes it worse in the end, it's terrible. As I mentioned before, I read of someone facing their fear of knives one day, they picked up the knife to see if they actually would harm themselves or others... Then found themselves lifting the knife closer to themselves, freaked out and put the knife away, then sat in fear ruminating why they moved the knife towards themself, why it happened, what did it mean. So what was initially something to try and end the fear turned into something that reinforced the fear by 10000% That's how I feel. I got some confidence and decided to test myself and then freaked out as soon as the ocd planted doubts and I question my every move and motive in those seconds. I sit here today beating myself up for not running away and avoiding all this, I am angry at myself for being too confident in myself only for it to backfire. How do I now move away from self blame, it's the hardest part.

How do I suddenly stop blaming myself

Disgusting