ocdsufferer85

I remember one my birthday one year the same stuff reared it's head..because I didn't wanna spoil my birthday. And within me arriving to the city where I was celebrating..the walk from the car to the place I was going ocd had created this horrible doubt over slight mouth movements and breath in the car on the way in.

I have realised today and on other occasions... I can be in a confident normal state of mind and then ocd will rush in and twist it and I cannot work out what is the exact reason behind my every movement... I can be challenged by a thought, react in a more normal way, then ocd takes thay and adds doubt and then I no longer know what the exact motives were. That's what that day was like. I was getting these thoughts, saying to them no. Not letting them really effect me, then eventually...they did. Because ocd was almost sat hiding ready to jump out and make me trip. It created something from the most minor thing right infront of me. Its like I knew even then it was surely illogical...yet it grabbed hold of me in a way that made me eventually spike up. And then lead me to blame myself.

Thank you, yes there is the term couch potato here in the UK haha!! That's me watching Netflix in the evenings! Thank you yeah I will keep it in mind. Polar I know. I hate that an illness can make me feel this bad about myself. I don't believe there's much worse than feeling guilty and not being able to see its not your fault. That is the hardest part. The guilt. It's so real to me. It's like a big knot inside my brain and it won't unravel. The knot has got bigger and bigger and more tangled over the years. Until it's reached a stage where I have to believe and be guilty for everything just incase its a real memory, when even at the time...the very next day or so I had to piece some kind of story together to explain it to the pyscologist because it was based on such a vague moment. I felt I had to tell him the worst scenario JUST INCASE it was true. It didn't make sense. It was so half in the moment and not really present, it was such a mix of thoughts and doubts and it went from me being relaxed and somehow trying to prove to the voice in my head that I wouldn't lose control...that it became something that the voice could then say...but wait....are you sure you just did that right? Did you just mess up? It was like a slight thing that's grown over the years.

I appreciate your reply, it's just hard to put it into practice every day. I will try and try and try. I am not ignoring your answers. I just feel as though I need to clarify things (another ocd problem) I want to be able to tell you that I felt this frozen almost slow motion awareness of what was happening...but it seems whatever I did I'd end up feeling awful, unless I held my mouth shut or taped it closed which isn't normal.

Thank you for the response and the tiger explanation is so good! My problem is holding on to guilt over not walking away from the fear. It's not that I wanted to speak, it was that I momentarily felt in charge of things instead of being tormented by ocd and instead of walking away with that sense of relief I decided to show ocd I was the boss In a moment of confidence I decided no I'm not gonna run or be tricked, the thoughts are there but no, I won't listen. But the more thoughts that came the more responses followed. I felt like I could prove I was in control which I now hate myself for, why test if it's possible...why take that risk, because all its done is make me feel 10000% worse and that I tried to act on this unwanted urge. I basically can't stand the fact that I faced it, because it caused doubt and in the end I feel wreckless evil and a failure. Any ruminations paint me as a bad person who must have 'snapped' or wanted to 'take a risk' and I don't understand. I didn't want to speak this thought and still dont. I just feel that being more relaxed and in a stronger state of mind... All its done is add fuel to ocds fire..."what kind of person would do that" "you are evil"

See I have never been able to see that this part is ocd. It's so awful it's so confusing that you believe anything it says! Slight bit of peace and I have new doubts...it always says it's my fault and I am guilty. I thought I could always beat it somehow and then that day I felt like my world crumbled and I haven't been able to press play on life since. A few moments of being fooled by the illness turned into 8 years + It's changed SO much too. To a very detailed account...of a few minutes of my life. I honestly didn't set out to be bad, or to fail. It just took me down as soon as it had the chance. Thanks for the info. How do I ignore it on the bad days?

But it was because I knew I wouldn't say it...I didn't want to. Still I tested myself to see if I could and don't know why. For that I only feel guilt. I feel like I acted on my urge and I am a bad person. I didn't say it or plan to, but the fact I felt like I could or that I tested myself makes me sick. And then eventually when I wasn't testing myself ocd tricked me into saying you just breathed out...it must have come out

Testing is a compulsion, but how? I feel like I faced it. I didn't flight....I chose to fight. For literally a moment or two. It all comes down to me feeling like this - My worst fear is not knowing if I spoke this sentence under my breath. Here's how I felt - Relaxed and confident that I wouldn't speak that line outloud because I had the control I was seeing IF it's even POSSIBLE to speak whilst breathing... so I 'tested' it without thinking I dismissed it as silly I had thoughts saying "you could let it out" "imagine If you spoke now" and it felt like a slight unwanted urge...not an urge to do it but this feeling like something was pushing me to mess up...I felt on edge like I was waiting for things to go wrong like they always do. But this was very brief and I dismissed it and remained strong. I didn't run. I said nah. Ocd you won't fool me. Then I found myself a second time or whatever mouthing or moving my mouth...once I realised it made a slight noise I snapped out of it in panic And now I feel like I acted on an urge...I got too confident that I wouldn't ever speak or not know if I spoke...and I ended up feeling like I'd got close, I almost messed up. I don't know what I was trying to prove. Then it tricked me in the end when I tried to walk away

But to say ocd isn't in play would make it worse

I don't want to be posting a huge rumination again as I have already done it 1000000s of times. I just can't logic out why with an ocd you test yourself. The urges are there, I know they are false because why would you suddenly want to do something you really can't bare thinking about But I feel it's either fight or flight Stick around and fight it don't hide or just run away and avoid it. Therapists etc say fighting it is the only way...but because I fought it and faced it..all I can see and since that moment all I can feel is guilt. That I was acting on an urge, or I decided to snap and be unsafe, take a risk etc. So it's done me no good atall. And this moment happened so long ago that it's blown up to a point where I don't know what is real. The thing that sticks and doesn't let me go is the thought of me just acting out or being so close and for once not being careful around my fear.

Hi just thinking (as usual) If you have a fear of something and happen to have ocd it's going to play on that fear isn't it? I see other people's fears within ocd and they don't bother me and vice versa Its such a horrible thing to be convinced that you have acted or almost acted on your fear, everything is a trigger and it's a constant battle between rational and irrational. I have some better days until suddenly a certain thought or memory can have me sat down posting here on the forum with anxiety rushing through me

That's why people aren't not afraid and tell me it doesn't mean literally speak, it's to do with what they accused him of and they went around spreading lies to work against jesus and killing people who didn't join them etc. But I have this irrational fear that if an intrusive thought is spoken it's as bad.

I am so tired my eyes keep rolling back in my head! I cannot type too much more!

I know. Even in the Bible it says "he said this because they were saying...." And what they were saying and doing was nothing to do with what I fear, they were spreading lies around and allsorts.

So it all goes back to blaming myself... "if you're scared to speak under a breath then why did you test to see if it was possible?" "you took the risk"