ocdsufferer85

Today I woke up with the worst intrusive thought and was half asleep and was getting the image of going hmm I think like I agreed and I then did the action automatically then panicked because I don't agree atall this is getting insane

I know how you feel I have been away and burst into tears at the hotel everything feels tainted with guilt and shame over my false memory real event it's weighed me down the entire time and made me feel as though I can't do anything and don't deserve it. I am looking normal from the outside but inside i feel harrowing torment

How can I live with this

I am really struggling it's just not giving me any peace atall I'm getting so poorly, everything feels wrong, I am constantly anxious and panicking or I feel an empty shell like I'm just existing, getting through the days. Everything is tainted by guilt and shame. I want to know what exactly happened in my recent "ocd attack" or "episode" but although it was probably so minor and irrelevant the longer it's gone on the more fear and doubts I have. I am desperately afraid that I have under a moment of stress not feeling myself said that I "agree" with my awful intrusive thoughts, I know i DONT but the fear is that thought about my bad luck and agreed with ocd in a moment of madness. Ocd could have fabricated this part of the memory but I can't disprove it anymore. I can't settle until i know but I can't wind back time I feel trapped. I am afraid that I have snapped and agreed or something, or gestured that I agree at least. I know I don't but I'm worried that in a split second response to my thoughts I thought of my bad luck and agreed with ocd. Even though I think I was "agreeing" to some other thought I'm afraid I included the ocd thought, and it's been that long I don't even remember what my thoughts were it's just all distorted and a mess. Bottom line is - I fear I've said I agree to it in a moment of upset even though I don't, and can't make any sense of it atall. The reason I'm so afraid is I am scared I've upset god and I'm a bad person and I am doomed and lost. I don't mean any of this, I was stressed upset and frustrated. I keep posting over and over and I know this! I really do! But I am tormented.

Thank you, everyone. All I want to do is accept that if we think things in anger it doesn't mean anything.Its human and it's ok. It doesn't mean I'm bad or actually change as a person. If it doesn't mean anything then I don't need to work it out. I can leave this alone and be ok. I just want my bed and to feel safe right now I'm tormented and my mum is so sad for me.

Hi I'm really really struggling and this was the thing I wanted to look at again. I am being tormented not knowing what thought is real and what even happened All I know is I agreed to something and ocd is telling me and told me at the time that I agreed with its lies. I am afraid that in a moment of anger and upset whilst feeling emotional as you said, that somehow I've in some way made out that I agreed with it, due to my constant bad luck. But I don't. I don't agree. I am exhausted and can't make it make sense my memory is totally off and has been from the start of it I think because nothing makes any sense to me! I just have this horrible fear that I've thought about my situation in a few seconds, got wound up and just said I agree but I don't

the problem is I could be confessing to snapping in anger, but it's probably not even true, it's just incase as the memory is so cloudy and ocd has taken over I am sad in tears every day

@Garfield hi thanks for replying it's all taking a toll on my body again, having just recovered from extreme physical stress and hyperstimulation I can feel parts of this creeping back it's really exhausting my body. I can't even replay what "happened" because my mind can no longer see what is actually a memory or not, and I can't even see how I even linked the two things together to have the worry in the first place. I am exhausted by it all, have CBT tomorrow hopefully can come away with a better view of things. It's a hard journey isn't it, one minute you're away on holiday trying to enjoy life the next ocd has got you in a corner and left you feeling undeserving of life, within seconds? It's not right is it? Life shouldn't be this difficult so something isn't right, something isn't logical. I actually do feel better reading what you said even though it's only a small sentence or two, for you to say I'm not making excuses and it does happen, it means alot thank you x

So if ocd and stress causes us to think and react differently then whatever happened isn't the true me, as I'm so so deeply anxious guilty and upset at the thought of it. So if something happened it wasn't meant, and if nothing happened it also is just the illness. I am afraid to move on as I feel I'm missing something or guilty of something. If I responded wrongly to a thought that came into my head does this make me bad or is it just proof I don't mean it by how upset I am? Does it prove it wasn't my usual way of thinking due to the stress? Or am I making excuses? I just don't know how to move on from something I possibly thought wrong, I am used to intrusions coming in and saying no to them, but to think I may have slipped up and got frustrated and said I agree when I don't seems the total end of my world and really really bad. Even though I know it's nothing I'd ever mean any of it, the thought of slipping up or acting out or thinking or responding wrong makes me sick to my stomach. Im afraid if I say I agree in a snap of anger that I am as bad as someone who actually agrees.

How come the title changed?

Nothing distracts me from this worry though sadly, nothing seems more important than one's salvation.

Trying x

Hi as many of you know I'm at my lowest sadly, does t take much for this illness to swoop in and just ruin life within literally seconds. I just want to know this, forget the subject, I am not typing out my rumination anymore as it just changes and I am exhausted with it, it won't help. When we are stressed/emotional etc we can snap and say things to people we don't mean, that's being human, I get it. I just wanted to ask does this apply to our thinking too? My recent "episode" involved me being stressed/emotional and upset, I say frustrated because I wasn't blazing with anger, but I was wound up due to my circumstances and nothing more. Can we when stressed and suffer with intrusive thoughts around our OCD themes, can we snap and think things we don't mean too? The current episode has got me in knots not knowing exactly what I "agreed" to in a moment of weakness and stress Of course ocd is saying it's the worst thing and my biggest fear, I have no clue on the reality of the event anymore as it's so distorted even if I knew the real events which I feel I do remember parts, ocd says you're making that up, you're wrong THIS is what happened etc etc so I cannot win with this rumination I want to accept that it's a normal human response to snap or think things or respond in ways we wouldn't normally do when stressed? I am terrified (even knowing full well I don't mean it) that I've agreed to an intrusive LIE in a state of upset, because of being at the end of my rope. I KNOW I don't mean it, and didn't INTEND on any of it, but I blame myself if I responded wrongly. Has anyone ever felt this way and just felt they gave in to ocd? So I know that even if the worst happened it's still ok to move on and it doesn't mean I'm a bad evil person? Please help me I am so unwell it's awful but of course as I type this the voice says "it's your fault you're in this position"

Yes seconds after an event I doubted it and the longer it's gone on the less clear it is and I'm in a mess

Sounds exactly like my life right now it's rubbish isn't it? I had an intrusive thought when frustrated, followed by another, and I agreed to something but I fear I agreed to something I really don't mean and the guilt and shame is eating me up. I can't remember the memory fully. I can't make sense of it. I responded to it and regret it but was under immense stress and fear I made a mistake. Now I could have just been responding to something else but I can't think clearly. I have two versions of events and no longer know which is real. This is so difficult and draining :(:( so sorry you are suffering too I understand it completely xxx

Hi sorry this is just another post because I want to know if anyone has false memory ocd on here and what their experience is. Ive never had it so badly that I don't even know what memory is real and what happened in such a brief moment of time It's like I can see how fast it "happened" and it's frustrating because the moment these attacks happen you know within seconds your mind makes everything a doubt and as the minutes go on it gets worse then the days and weeks and months and suddenly you have no clue what is real! Then suddenly I remember it different and I think this may be the real memory, but how do I know?! I no longer understand what happened if anything and I don't know how to move on if I can't even remember what happened. My mind is a knot, and I cannot remember why I panicked at the time, was ocd confusing me and making me panic over nothing OR did something wrong happen?! Im just so confused and my story of what this event was has changed and makes no sense yet the guilt is still there incase I did something really wrong. I remember agreeing to something but I'm not exactly sure what! I'm upset because my intrusive thoughts are completely against my values and I'm afraid I agreed to them in anger (so I didn't really agree but I'm afraid I snapped in a moment) however it could be something different that I agreed to. If you say you agree to an ocd thought (a thought against your values) but you're frustrated and upset and stressed and don't mean it is this ok? Or am I a really bad person now? Did I fail?

Thank you. I just am so confused I don't know why life has to be this difficult

I have two versions of events in my head now One was an intrusive thought followed by another thought that was about when people are mad at god and question him when they have a bad time or something goes wrong, which is a human thing we do and I don't like it but I can see it's a human response therefore if that's the real memory then I can see it doesn't make sense to think it's anything to do with my first intrusive thought but it seems at the time I seemed to say and post on here that I had a thought about agreeing with ocd and imagining agreeing? This makes no sense to me! I wouldn't agree?! I have no clue what I have "agreed" to because I have no clue what happened anymore my mind is exhausted. OCD WINS

I don't know what's happening anymore what's real what's a lie

But I no longer know what's a real memory or why I was as even linking it to the first thought i was frustrated , I had an intrusive thought, it wound me up further because ocd likes to add to your stress when you're already feeling rubbish, then that caused another thought (this is what I'm not sure is real now) then I panicked, and then somehow I'm worried that whatever I "agreed" to whilst upset is somehow the first thought but it's the exact opposite of what I think. So I'm confused

Hi I'm just puzzled as to why I thought I'd agreed with my ocd thought, when I had a different thought right after it, no idea how ocd has mixed the two. My mind is mush.

I just can't stop crying and feeling this is the end

Snapping is part of ocd?

Hi just here again stuck as usual I have this "real event" but I haven't a clue what parts are even real anymore, it started being worded one way, then another and now it's switched back and I can't work out the real memory properly it's such a blur as it was a while ago and so quickly over in reality Does this happen? Can it swap and change? I remember an intrusive thought, leading to more thoughts but I'm unclear exactly what those next thoughts were, and im petrified that I "agreed" to a bad thought whilst stressed and upset Now I KNOW I don't agree with it, but I'm worried that in that moment, if I've thought/gestured that I agree in a moment of frustration and upset that it's as bad as really agreeing. I know it makes no sense yet the guilt I feel is eating me alive. I can't stop waking up with my body internally shaking and I'm just full of anxiety and panic about this unresolved worry. I am afraid I've snapped at god and agreed to something I fear the most in a moment of heightened emotion and sadness etc I just feel like I gave up the fight and let ocd win. I feel so defeated and so guilty and ashamed. I feel guilt because of my reaction to an unwanted thought-I feel to blame for my response. I feel I should always cancel out ocd and always say no. I feel so so so bad that I engaged with the thought somehow and I no longer know what I "agreed" to. I know it sounds mad to anyone else but I'm so sad and in knots about it all. I have a massive phobia about a certain sin in the bible, and have feared I would commit it for years since discovering it, because it's the last thing I'd want so ocd has clutched onto this to make me live in fear and it's chosen to attack me when I was at my lowest point and convince me that I've acted on my fear and that I'm done for now. That I am evil and that I'm alone and lost. I don't want any of this in my head, it's the opposite of me, however I'm afraid I've lost control, snapped and just given in and now my life is over.