Hey there
I recently realised I had OCD after finally confronting one of my worst intrusive thoughts. Basically for years, since I was like 19, I had intrusive thoughts about HIV. I would pick apart my memory, somehow convincing myself I'd done stuff I know I hadn't done, I'd read article upon article trying to reassure myself but it never worked. This came and went a few times a year for 8 years until, a year intro therapy when my therapist mentioned that I'd gone through the same cycle about HIV three times since I've been talking to her, I actually did a test, it came out negative, I mentioned it to some people in this mental health Whatsapp group I'm a part of, one of them said it sounded like OCD so my therapist gave me a mental health assessment and it came up pretty bang in the middle of an OCD diagnosis. I'm now waiting (for what seems like forever) to get CBT with the NHS.
Anyway, I felt like things were going okay for a while, like I still get the thoughts and I still do weird stuff like check that I have my keys loads of times even if I have them in my hand when I leave and I have weird urges to throw myself off buildings and all that shabbang, but I felt like knowing what it is and being on the road to get help was helping. But now I'm basically just so anxious and depressed. I'm spending a lot of time in bed wrapped in my duvet watching Netflix (at least it's new shows and not re-watching the same shows like I used to) and crying. I've been on a break with my partner for a few months as we live in different cities and he didn't feel comfortable with us seeing each other during Covid, and now he wants to 'have a talk' with me and I know he wants to break up. And even though I haven't seen him for months, even though realistically my life wouldn't change that much right now, i just can't have that conversation. It makes me freeze up, it makes me feel like I'm going to faint. I just feel like I've failed, like I should've been better, like I can still do better, like I have to do the right thing to get it back to how it was because it was so good. I'm very bad at ending relationships, I've dragged things on for years because i couldn't let go, partly because I /know/ inside that if I do I'll never meet anyone else, that I'll be alone forever, that I'll never even like anyone else and I'll just drift around never moving on, but also because I feel like I need to fix it, that it's up to me to change their mind, that I can make everything good.
And I know that's really messed up and it's not fair on the other person and if someone wants to end it they have every right to and that I owe them that conversation and I owe them to be able to listen and be normal about it, but I just feel like right now I'm going to crumble and start like, begging them not to leave me or whatever, or I'll just completely freeze and end the call or.. I just can't imagine living through it. And I don't know if this is OCD or anxiety or me just being a complete weirdo but I just don't think I have the tools to deal with change the way other people do and so I don't know how to cope. I've been talking to my therapist and to other people but I guess because my reaction is so extreme compared to what is actually happening - because I do know I'm acting crazy - it doesn't help and I'm just seeking reassurance, just like I am now, even though it still isn't going to hit that right key and make things better in my brain. Basically I just want some advice on how to handle stuff like this like a normal human being and how to cope.
Sorry for the long message, I know I sound mad.
