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  1. Thanks caramool, I can understand from my other worries about past fantasies that this would seem the same but I don't be leave this was a fantasy, it's as if because I was merry on alcohol the ocd decided to bombard me with images and bad intent thoughts, I don't think I entertained them, in fact I remember finding it strange but because I was drunk I wasn't as bothered until the next day, I hope it wasn't a fantasy as i have been close to my sister all my life, we are both in our 40s and that would be disgusting and totally unnatural, starting to get really screwed up by this, want to confess to partner but I have about intrusive incest thoughts before and she wasn't that bothered, don't know how to handle this, maby I need to accept I am just a creep and that's how it is
  2. I know I shouldn't drink but on weekends I have a few, I'm really getting concerned with recurring thoughts about my sister when I do I get thoughts that I will get in her bed tonight and images of sexual acts, the problem is because I'm drunk they don't seem to bother me, it's almost as if I'm OK, even enjoying them, we are both in our 40s and this has been happening more and only srarted in the last 2 years. I know I have posted posts about this theme before but the perceived drunk enjoyment of them is very hard to take, almost like I want something to happen, then in the morning I feel disgust that I let the thoughts be there Does this still sound like ocd or a growing perversion. I hope this doesn't disgust, just feel very alone and down atm
  3. I have been in therapy and honestly thought I was getting so much better then boom One thing has triggered incest theme badly,convinced again that I've pursued my sister when drunk,or had bad intenent, it's consuming me
  4. Questioning wether you enjoyed it keeps putting logs on the fire of ocd. Needing to know that for certain puts another log on ocd. Engaging with anything to do with the **** keeps putting logs on. The saddest thing about this horrible illness is that none of the rubbish in our heads matter one bit to anyone but us, friends see it as just thoughts, physiatrists know it. I'm having a relapse this week after feeling great, because I thought I enjoyed a sexual thought about my sister, same as you just different theme,and you and I both know by asking for reassurance and certainty by posting on this forum will never ever help and is the wrong way to use this forum because it keeps us stuck in the loop, we need to be strong, listen to the advice on this forum, resisist compulsions then step away from the forum and try hard bit by bit to use the tools we are told. Sorry your in a bad place mate, you can pull through this
  5. Thank you Roy, I have real trouble saying it's not me it's the ocd as some of my themes are real events but then again maby that doesn't matter, I want to take that leap of faith but I don't know how
  6. Has anyone managed this. The brain is constantly picking up failings, perceived failings and throwing them in a full blown attack, I try to accept things as they are, I try to focus on the now, the feel of my feet as I walk, the breeze on my hands, my breath in and out, the pretty flower,but there is always this dark shadow just there making me uncomfortable, I try just to look at it and let it come and go but it changes shape and theme and it's so hard to just let It be when it causes so much fear, I constantly feel vile, revolting, perverted from past thoughts and fantasies from many years ago, I've managed to curb confession and reassurance seeking through Google an friend's, I don't know if I will ever feel peace within as my brain has so many years scanning for the failings from my life and chewing on them, sorry for the waffle.
  7. Thanks gbd, I don't know why I sometimes get so wreck less, it's really bothering me, I also wonder if something did happen but I don't remember, it's crazy as when I'm getting on top of things I do something and wreck it all, I can only try to let it be
  8. I mixed my drinks and all day drank 2 days ago, I woke up with my partner understandable furious as Ieft her at home and went to the pub, I don't remember anything Except there was a barmaid who said she was going for a fag, I sat next to her, she went back in to work and I don't know if I tried to follow her on the other side of the bar. I went into the pub the next day and everyone said I was fine, no trouble. I am consumed with guilt, not that I cheated but maby wanted to, its awful, my own fault I know, no excuses, should I tell my partner I may have had intent to cheat, I feel like I did, its terrible, I've let my partner and kids down, I can't be leave I drank like that and I won't again but feeling I was pursuing something is killing me, it's the only things I remember about the whole night.
  9. Hi o85, I also repeat and search on this forum, just desperate to have that 1 awnser, just that one key that can unlock this anxiety, unfortunately that's not how it works and beyond the confusions in our mind we know that. we want an awnser but it's futile as it won't stop any anxiety it just finds another angle to cause us pain, hope you have an OK day x
  10. Exactly, confession never works because ocd will always pick something harder and harder to confess, I spent 4 years locked in my room in my twenty for pretty much the same as you, regret over a fantasy in my teen years,I am only now at 40 getting the therapy I need, please don't waste 20 years on this, accept that sometimes we need help with ocd, speak to your gp and try to get the ball rolling for cbt
  11. How do I delete this post please,it's my therapist I should be working with as I've already discussed it with her this is just reassurance
  12. I've been drinking more than I should lately,I know I shouldn't but it's a viscous cycle of drinking to give my brain a break and then suffering more the next day,I'm worried it's becoming a problem again. My therapist seems good and understanding but it's brought back some horrible thoughts and fantasies I had over 20 years ago that it took me along time put behind me,I was on drugs from age 11 and my brain went to some dark places,don't know why this would re surface, hungover and very panaky
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