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About sunflowersea

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  • Type of OCD
    Moral/scrupulous, contamination

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    United Kingdom

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  1. Hi there, I’ve got myself into a bit of a state and am on the verge of a panic attack right now. I was just wondering if anyone was awake to provide some comforting words. It sounds ridiculous but I dyed my hair properly for the first time and although I like it, it’s so scary and different and has really set my OCD off tonight. I think it’s because it’s out of the ordinary, been looking in the mirror and getting a shock. And my moral theme has latched on saying I’m an awful person because I’ve ruined my lovely hair and going to have to cut it all off and why ruin your hair your parents gave you. It truly sounds so stupid in my rational brain but OCD completely disregards all logic. Like I could easily dye it back to my natural colour but my head is like but it’ll never be the SAME and what you had when you were a child (a big obsession of mine is wishing back to early childhood because it was before OCD began to rule my life). And everything seems more scary at night. I think this is just the cherry on top and my head is blaming this for me being upset but everything is just a lot at the moment. I’ve put on my childhood audiobook to try and give some comfort but I just feel so sad and anxious. After suffering with OCD for most of my life, and it still being so debilitating in my twenties is just so exhausting. I found myself reassurance seeking before bed saying to my mum, ‘everything is going to be okay, isn’t it’ because I just feel the opposite of that right now. Bedtimes have become much more difficult and I’m so anxious especially at night. I hate OCD 😢
  2. Real event/false memory OCD is a theme that is very common in OCD sufferers. OCD thrives on the lack of certainty, and trying to remember anything from your childhood, which naturally fades from one’s mind over time is near impossible. So you can never be certain, which is OCD’s favourite thing. Intrusive thoughts are normal, everyone has them - they are just part of the brains chemistry. It’s our reaction to those thoughts that makes OCD sufferers so anxious and attaching meaning to the thoughts that triggers the anxiety response, leading to needing to carry out compulsions. I used to struggle a lot with this, and would constantly ruminate and seek reassurance like ‘did this happen’ etc. But that never helped it just continued to fuel the ocd cycle fire. Accepting you can never have certainty is key, and also that childhood experiences are just that, childhood. I know it’s super hard and anxiety inducing but knowing that this is your OCD, and not you, helped me alot. I hope you’re doing okay, from a fellow OCD sufferer, you’re not alone
  3. Thank you @determination987this was very insightful. I think I’m so scared of being away from my Mum who is my rock and my biggest support with my OCD. Then on top of that many contamination exposures, I’m already panicking about it. I wish I could put it out of my head for the time being but it’s like the classic example of ‘don’t think of a pink elephant’ and then that’s all you can think of. I wish I didn’t feel so incredibly anxious about this because it’s meant to be something positive, that people without OCD (obviously) would enjoy. And if I don’t do it I will be letting others down 🥲
  4. So, a few months ago I was doing well with exposures and making progress contamination-wise. I arranged a huge exposure, which is coming up soon. However, in between arranging this exposure and now, I had a huge setback from an enormous trigger, am nowhere near where I was when I arranged this exposure that is coming up, and am now absolutely terrified. And I can’t cancel this exposure due to many other reasons. I am so scared. Any advice would be greatly appreciated…
  5. @auroramaple I’m in the exact same situation as you! I listened to a really helpful podcast on this subject by The OCD Stories - was quite insightful. Obviously it is not a replacement for speaking to your GP, or therapy! Just worth a listen - https://open.spotify.com/episode/3FhtqZyRCWXJzS5ziZrBpz?si=HcprMnwCTBibtBO6m1NKGA
  6. Hi. Am currently in a spiral of panicking. The postman came and I answered the door. He had to scan the package 3 times because it wouldn’t register on his machine. So I had to stand there with it in my hand whilst he tried scanning etc. The door was open and I stood on the other side of the open door. Obviously he was outside I was inside. But he seemed out of breath, maybe he was in a rush. So now I’m panicking thinking he had covid and now he’s just given it to me because in the rush of going to answer the door I forgot to put a mask on. Im really really scared now what if I’ve got covid now?! I can’t go through the contamination fears with all of this again. It was bad enough when two people in my house had it. I’m really scared and can’t stop panicking it’s so awful. I just wish I could turn off my head and my body the panic is so scary 😰😭 I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack 💔😓
  7. Hi all. I’m in a real panic right now. Due to an external issue there is no water at our house. No taps, flushing toilets etc. This is a HUGE trigger for me as I can’t wash my hands, go to the toilet when I need to (IBS). I’m quite literally panicking panicking panicking panicking. We have quite a few large bottles of water and have already finished one from one hand wash (contamination ocd hand washing). Not being able to go to the toilet (IBS). Hugely anxiety provoking, also due to contamination ocd and it then causing a sore tummy and having emetephobia. I don’t know what to do 😭😭😭
  8. @Bismah OCD-UK Volunteer@NR12thank you for your kind replies. It’s been super tough, especially as it’s triggered a relapse with my contamination OCD. I have posted another topic about my current feelings 🙂
  9. Hello all. I have had OCD for my whole life, and I have suffered badly with contamination OCD for about 4 years. Other themes were way more prevalent up until the pandemic where it became one of my ‘top 3’ if you will. I’ve had an amazing therapist who not only diagnosed me with OCD but gave me incredible ERP & CBT. My therapy came to an end last year, and I truly am so much better for it especially with my moral/scrupulous OCD. This year I had been making such huge steps with my contamination theme, such as only wearing a medical mask rather than ffp2, got a Dominos pizza takeaway and McDonald’s for the first time in YEARS, didn’t wear a mask whilst at a friends house etc. Unfortunately, due to a huge trigger occurring where Covid was in my household (not me or my mum (who is my biggest support)) I am highly in the grips of my obsessions and compulsions regarding my contamination theme and fears. It took me years for my hands to get back to ‘normal’ after extreme washing and in result dermatitis. They are now really bad again, I find I don’t feel safe to do stuff like brush my teeth unless I wash them with a mixture of soap and antibac/viral surface spray. I am scared to do anything without a mask, even walking outside. I am constantly cleaning all of my possessions like my glasses, book and phone. Constantly washing. Am scared to see friends, go shopping, be in public in general. I really benefited so much from my most recent therapy, and I don’t want to go through the process of getting on waiting lists, having to find another therapist who actually knows and understands OCD (before my most recent therapist, NONE of them had been great). It’s such a huge effort to even get a phone call with the GP. But I am also back in the grips of this and struggling a lot. Exposures are not worth the risk of potential contamination. It’s just tough. I don’t know, just wondering if anyone’s experienced/experiencing the same and how I can potentially hope to get out of the grips of this current dip in recovery. I am currently feeling anxious as I needed ibuprofen from the shop, and as I went to buy them the cashier said have you got ID, which I didn’t, as I have bought it multiple times without ID. For reference although I am young I am well over 18 and look it too. She made me take my mask off to look at my face, which in turn is making me panic I have now exposed myself to ‘covid spores’ in the air. I can’t stop thinking about it. And then she proceeded to let me buy it anyway. Very strange situation - I understand if buying alcohol, of course, but I had ibuprofen which I have bought countless times without this happening to me. It‘s not helped the situation at all 😢 Advice & help needed x
  10. I’m having an anxious time today - there has been covid in the house (not me or my Mum). It’s over now, so it’s the big ‘clean up’ weekend. Like I have had to come and sit outside whilst my dear Mum is cleaning because all of their stuff is coming through in bin bags albeit straight into the washing machine swiftly but I’m back in ‘everything is dangerous from potential covid spores’. It’s been wayyy over the contagious & isolation period so I know that’s okay but there is little information on how long the virus stays on fabrics. Also my ocd contamination wise has massively regressed since this all happened so even after everything is done I just know I’m going to not be ok and really in the grips of compulsions - still wearing a mask in the house, washing hands after touching anything, cleaning bathroom before I shower etc. it’s just so horrendous. Like I know if I touch anything even in my own bedroom I’m gonna be triggered. I need to wash & clean everything in my room so that I feel able to go and sleep back in there and then I know I’ll need a shower tonight to clean all the ‘germs’ off me but I just feel so overwhelmed 😫 And this has not made me any less scared about Covid. It’s made me wayyyy more scared. I’m living in my nightmare and don’t know how to cope.
  11. @Summer9173 Thanks so much for your kind words and advice ☺️ I have ‘break free from ocd’ so might try and delve into that this weekend!
  12. Thanks so much @howard what you said was definitely really helpful. I have taken charge and already put the first step in place. Am feeling a lot better already ☺️
  13. Thank you @northpaul , I really do appreciate your response 🧡 Does anyone have any advice for this in particular? Something needs to change/give as it’s really exacerbating my OCD and are some of the things I actually CAN control whereas external situations I cannot. Like I’m at breaking point.
  14. Hi guys - long time forum user here but first proper post for me. Just wanted some help and advice as I’m just having the WORST time. I had made so much progress with my OCD and have been triggered by something hugely which is a long lasting (but temporary) situation that is also impossible to get out of due to living circumstances. I’m completely safe I know, but due to my contamination ocd I feel SO unsafe like I’m living my nightmare and can’t wake up. I have a huge support in one person and support from a friend and OCDUK but also am doing so much reassurance seeking at the moment I don’t want to be too much of a burden. I hate my job, my grandparents are unwell and live so far away, and am just in general absolutely hating every second of existence. I feel like I’m on the verge of a huge mental breakdown and it’s scaring me. I need help, feel like I’m suffocating and trapped and can’t breathe 😭
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