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olb

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Everything posted by olb

  1. Following on from the last questions, I have made contact with some BACP and some BABCP therapists. I’ve had one appointment with a BABCP cbt therapist over zoom and have an second next week. I also made an appt with a counsellor in person. In the meantime I’ve had replies from some more enquiries and a couple say they have experience with mental contamination, where as the first ones hadn’t come across it before. Im not sure now whether to stop with the first one as they said initially they hadn’t had this sort of contamination issue before, although they were still willing to help. Should I change to a therapist that definitely has experience of mental contamination? I don’t really want to speak to more than one of each type. I feel the face to face counsellor could be useful as I have other issues and like the idea of meeting in person. I am still slightly worried the cbt is quite a regimented approach and maybe I have more emotional issues. Like not having processed the trauma the car experience created. I honestly don’t know but I am feeling a constant anxiety which is worse in the morning and my attention keeps focusing on my foot still as this made contact with a contaminated object. any advice welcome, I think I’m going to not bother with talking therapies just because it could take so long and I can get private appts straight away. For too long I’ve worried about money and now I’m willing to pay to try and feel better.
  2. Ok thanks some if the BACP ones do mention CBT on their profiles. Not sure if I should start again with the BABCP search?
  3. Snowbear To be honest they all come across nice and willing to help, just a couple of questions. Would you say in person is better, one lady said face to face is better due to body language but another said telephone is fine. I guess a private bacp approved therapist is just as qualified/the same as those who work in the nhs? Finally is it ok to have a couple of sessions with 2/3 different therapists to get a feel for it and what they can offer, obviously got to consider the cost but they could have different approaches?
  4. Thanks snowbear do you think private is the way to go this time? I’ve spoken to a couple of babp counsellors who are very pleasant and think they can help but obviously can’t promise anything or give a timeframe. some say phone is fine for therapy and others prefer face to face or video link.also prices vary a lot. I feel like it will help to speak to someone due to keeping this to myself. I have a small hope one of them may help me change my ways of seeing things. I guess it can’t hurt to try, money is the least of my worries right now.
  5. Why does it worry you - It’s a personal choice
  6. Snowbear, thanks again. I have a question related to seeking treatment. I don’t fancy going through the talking therapy process again as it takes time and I’m sure they are overrun at this time. Could I look for a psychotherapist myself as I am able to pay, and is the BACP the place to search for accredited member? I know people on here have said it’s just ocd and nothing else and I have to just change my interpretations, but I feel like I’m against a brick wall. I honestly wonder if something like EMDR may help as this fear and anxiety feels like it’s blocked/buried deep and I can’t release it. many thanks
  7. It’s so hard to change rules you’ve made and lived by for many years, even if they are irrational. The rule I made was simple, anything known to have been in the hated car must be avoided. My mind also expanded the rule to avoid anything that could have been in any other car of the same manufacturer. Hence as I mentioned I tried to avoid second hand items. Although I didn’t apply this to things like cash. Maybe because it’s something everyone handles. So after I felt I’d not been true to myself for staying with that car so long, and was angry at myself, the least I could do was follow those rules as some kind of redemption. Its totally in the mind because if you put two identical items in front of me, I wouldn’t know which of any had been inside one of those cars. It’s like an extra layer of thinking which normal people don’t do. But once you are doing this threat monitoring it’s almost impossible to stop, you are constantly aware of your surroundings and keeping an eye out for threats. I wish I had a simple fear of say spiders. At least it is something many people have and there is a way out. It’s easy to argue that spiders are prt of nature and I would know it’s something I need to learn not to fear. with this self created individual problem it is so difficult to reverse it, as on one hand you can say it’s just a car, but the other hand it was quite an unusual car which not many people would have driven. So it feels like I was put in a position where I can’t say ‘well at least it wasn’t just me there were loads of people who drove one’. I disliked it so much that I think there must be something wrong with any person who chooses to drive one of these cars. Why would you choose one of those? Why would someone design such monstrosity? So to wrap up I’m still in doubt over things, uncertain if I will feel better again. I wish it was as simple as ‘ other people will make contact with this floor and not have a thought about it’ so why can’t I? Well it’s because I have this extra layer of thought telling me this floor has been inside the car so is a threat and must be avoided.
  8. Thanks all of you. I guess nothing I do can change the past. Maybe I have linked avoidance of floor etc to denying the past. I know it’s a long time ago so I should move on. I think when I touched the floor in June has proved i wasn’t ready for it. I haven’t managed to justify it to myself. I am still feeling down about it, like 95% of the day. The other 5% I have some relief if I think from a different perspective and say to myself my foot is clean. I think it’s a thought that will fade eventually. Or maybe just the feeling attached to it will fade. Like the thoughts of the car from years ago are still there but it doesn’t bother me as the feelings are numb. I think if I am to touch the floor again I need to be sure I can handle the overwhelming anxiety and thoughts which I know will be thoughts of dread. Like I’m intentionally coming into contact with the car again. I don’t know whether to tell anyone as it sounds so stupid. I should have probably continued with the therapist a couple of years ago I just got scared as they suggested exposure before anything else. I really wanted the therapist to help me re frame the thought processes and then lead to being able to expose myself after that. do you think because I keep this to myself other than this forum that it makes it harder to deal with? I don’t think parents would be too understanding they’d probably think I’m being pathetic and worry that I’ve gone mad.
  9. Thanks for your continued support snowbear. Another low morning, waking up in the parents house, feeling restless. I’m up and ready for work now. Work feels meaningless but the alternative of staying at home isn’t any better. Because I’m living at home I also feel trapped in a routine here. Only place I feel relaxed is my sisters/nephews house. The ‘deal’ I made feels extremely powerful. It was probably just a futile attempt to move on and pretend I’m actively doing something to avoid the past. It’s like a denial of the car by avoiding anything that was in it. What does it mean that something was in that car? What about all the computers and things I delivered to people when I was driving that car? It feels like I’ve failed by stepping on the floor. Despite keeping up with the rules for 16 years or so. Shows how fragile a life I was living, and I think the threat monitoring hasn’t helped in other areas of life. So I just don’t know how to move on. Before stepping on the floor I felt like there was a future I was going to move out I was feeling ok and had some energy and motivation. Now I feel low and have constant anxiety and sinking feelings, which makes it harder to do anything. Do I carry on avoiding the floor and hope my mind stops torturing me over it. Hoping that I can view my foot as clean again after time has passed? I don’t know if I moved out and got away from the floor would I feel better. As it wouldn’t be so close. Or do I purposely go in the room and contaminate myself and risk a total meltdown? I feel like I couldn’t handle it, I’d just want to die.
  10. I forgot to add, I wonder if I need to distract myself more. I’ve struggled to concentrate lately , haven’t read a book for ages or learned anything new. Is distraction a good way to stop going over things? Also, I just want to feel hope again, that I have a future and will feel good again. I don’t want the past to keep dragging me down and making me feel I have no hope.
  11. Great post snowbear, I am sure you’re right I just have to apply it, which is still proving difficult. I’ve contemplated a few times walking on the floor when alone in the house before work but haven’t done it. I wonder if I should walk on it on purpose, or only if I actually need to go in that room. It’s an old flooring and I sometimes wonder why my dad hasn’t replaced it yet. The room is my old small bedroom which is now the office where my dad has his computer. Im also getting the thoughts that I shouldn’t even be in this house anymore and if I had moved out I wouldn’t have to face this. But then I would still visit and potentially have to go in the room for some reason. I mean what if I was visiting and was asked to look at something on the computer? At least I’d be in socks or shoes though. There we go the ocd talking again! While I was driving today an identical car just a different colour pulled out in front of me. My thoughts were as usual: what an ugly car, why would anyone choose this car, it’s horrible, awful etc. So i know there is no way I can learn to not dislike the car. I can’t understand how such a car came to exist. However I don’t have strong feelings when I see one of these cars, I actually feel nothing anymore. I am trying to tell myself I can hate the car but that doesn’t mean it can contaminate other objects. This is why i have managed to move on as the thoughts /memories I can deal with, it’s only the contamination causing me issues. I know for a fact the flooring was once in the car and that’s a fact. When I get ready and go out I want to feel clean, the floor doesn’t feel clean. When I finally got rid of the car the ‘deal’ I made with myself was that I must get rid of anything linked to the car. To be true to myself., I had to start afresh, I couldn’t move forward with anything potentially contaminated. For example I’ve avoided buying anything used or from charity shops as there is a chance they could have been inside a similar car. Anyway snowbear you are amazing for keeping in touch and understanding. I will try to act on what you suggest, although it does feel like life or death when I contemplate anymore exposure to the floor or the chairs. I’ll keep trying to take in your suggestions.
  12. Hi, My other long post describes the main ocd related problem I’ve had. I thought I’d write to add some other ocd like things I’ve experienced in the past. First one I remember is as a kid worrying myself to tears especially when I was in bed at night, worrying that one day my mum will die. Next one I remember was repeatedly re formatting my computer and installing my favourite game and trying to play it, but every time it didn’t feel right so I had to start again. Another was ordering a wardrobe and knocking the corner of the door by mistake so it will slightly damaged. Instead of just leaving it be, I made a scratch on it and reported it and had a replacement sent. Lastly there are several words I dislike and try to avoid saying. I could write them out but I don’t especially want to.
  13. I’m just not there snowbear , I am telling myself it’s clean because I’ve showered many times now after touching the floor. If I stepped on the floor again I’d have to do it all again. I haven’t got a clear path in my head to be confident of the exposure. All I get are mental blocks, I think of the floor, I think of it being transported in the car and being contaminated and nothing being able to reverse that. It’s like a feeling of being cut off / disconnected. Like I’m the only one to have this specific negative experience. I can’t find anyone else to relate to with a similar experience. Makes me feel isolated. The only reasoning that cuts through all my thoughts is that nobody else has any problem with the floor, so if I could think the same as them ( or not think) then it wouldn’t be an issue. But I know the floor has was in the car at some point so how do I ignore that.
  14. How do I deal with waking up everyday with a feeling of anxiety of contamination which is now focused on my foot? Before when it was just the floor it wasn’t as close to home, when my body felt clean, now it’s inescapable. Don’t think I can deal with this every day it’s like a broken record, thought process that goes round but doesn’t end. As much as I tell myself my foot is actually clean , these thoughts / doubts keep coming back. It’s hard work I just can’t stand this anymore.
  15. Thank you snowbear, so it’s like it would be overwhelming to think of my whole body being contaminated so my mind created an alternative it could control. It put the contamination onto inanimate objects which had been in the car instead. So it’s in a way my ego wanting control, however it can keep it. if I went to a doctor and said my foot was contaminated they would probably tell me to stop being silly and say it’s physically fine. That’s the problem with this mental contamination. The mind doesn’t want to let it go?!
  16. I just received an email for a running event only a 10 k which used to be an easy distance for me and I would some times just enter an event and drive myself there if no one else wanted to go. Immediately I got the thought about my foot and how I touched the floor. It’s been slightly better during the day but I still can’t imagine doing a run as I used to. I know there is no resolution to the contamination, it’s basically the more I think of it the longer it lasts and worries me. I think once enough time passes the mind let’s things go into the background where they don’t bother you so much. Im not sure if it’s just the foot thing or because I have other priorities on my mind to sort out first. I wish I’d never stepped on the floor because then at least I’d know what the main issue was, whether it’s being 40 and not moved out yet or if it’s the foot thing. When I think back to how I was in the car all that time ago I did think why do I not feel contaminated all over? I guess it’s either because the body is a living thing and every cell renews itself often, I’ve read every cell is replaced after 7 years. Or it’s just time heals and the thoughts disappear. I know it must sound crazy to all of you how my mind works. The only way I can describe the anxiety I feel when I am reminded of the car by seeing one or coming near something contaminated is like a computer program which is using 99% of the cpu and making the device hot and close to exploding. I wish I could click on the program and abort it. I wish I could delete the thoughts of contamination or override them with new ones when dealing with the floor or chairs but it feels too hard. As I said before I want to live/survive and I know I have to take action with regards to my living situation or I’ll regret it. I know it would be a nightmare to be living here aged 41 I’d never live it down. I feel being 40 is a big thing for me. I liked being in my 30s it didn’t feel too old, I was still looking forward. Now I feel like I’m middle aged and a big part of life is behind me.
  17. I’m sorry I’m advance for posting this but I have to get it out. I feel like bursting into tears, I actually want to, but when I try I can only cry a little but then need to yawn and it stops. Not sure it actually helps. I feel like a total failure, I feel I’ve let my parents down especially my mum. I still think back to once we were in the loft and I was maybe only 10 or so and there was a memory of my grandad and she got emotional and we both cried. I don’t feel I can confide anymore though as I’m supposed to be a grown adult. I was annoyed once at her when I told her I liked the job but not the car and I was told to stop being silly, I wish I was just being silly, but I really did hate the car. All I wanted at the time was someone on my side , to say it would be ok to leave the job, not the end of the world. That I could find another one. My life has been reduced to living in a bedroom at my parents and going to a mundane job. The job is the only thing that gives me a structure though. But working Saturdays for years has messed with my life as I only get Sunday off. Now Sunday has been reduced to driving to town on my own walking in town looking around the bookshop and magazines in WH Smith then sitting down for a coffee alone and walking back to the car. I can’t even concentrate on a book at the moment I used to read books thoroughly if a bit slowly. I just constantly feel on edge and that I can’t focus on anything for long. only in the evenings can I relax to an extent as i know the days over. life at 40 just seems pointless to me, maybe if I had a partner and child i might have a different outlook. Or a job that had some meaning/interest in. This is the lowest I’ve been and it’s lasting longer, I’m hoping at the low point things can only go up, but I’m struggling to see any hope. Back in my 20s despite what happened I don’t think I was this low, I was angry and managed to direct it to new things , I was reading a lot and started running and doing events. now I feel like very little interests me , and the anger I used to feel at what happened has turned to sadness and despair. I feel sad about life, how time passes in the blink of an eye. One minute you feel you have plenty of time and future ahead then the next it feels it’s too late and the best years are gone. It doesn’t help with the constant fear in the media about covid and restrictions on our lives. also all the new ways of doing things doesn’t interest me, I was brought up before technology went too far. I used a phone for calls and text and a pc at home when the internet started and we had dial up. Back then there was no smartphones and you had to go to a shop to buy something. Which was often Saturdays (which I work every week now). I still have a small hope that I can move onto my own place , get a computer set up and do a course in something like coding. And maybe start cooking a little more than just throwing things in the oven. And a garden would be nice to sit out in and relax. I think a part of me is afraid of being alone but I know I cannot go on any longer living here. I’m the oldest of my sister and also two cousins and they’ve all moved out and got partners/kids. I just hope it’s not too late for me to change, I want this weight to be lifted!!!
  18. Thanks snowbear. I know I have to just try and move on with life and hope my mind sorts itself out. A big fear is contaminating clothing, I want to feel clean, I don’t want my clothes becoming contaminated from the floor or chairs. It’s horrible having the fear of something becoming contaminated when you cant see it. Thanks for keeping in touch.
  19. A few other thoughts which my mind keeps coming up with are: - the original situation which caused the distress was painful enough and took a long time to recover from mentally, but having physical objects in the present compounds it and my mind says why would I risk any contact when it brings the distress back? - my mind also says that it was a car I had for 2 1/2 years, if it’s just a car like the one before and one after, like in a timeline , then how come it created contamination when the other cars didn’t. The other cars were neutral, as such. - also why did I decide that humans that were In the car could be cleaned, but inanimate objects were permanently imbued? - why does the contamination fade on other people ( eg my parents walking on the floor then walking to other rooms and putting on their shoes and going to other houses). I can draw the line at the contamination going into another house, it’s like overload for my mind to keep track of so I let it go. - as above but with my foot, despite taking a shower right after stepping on the floor and then months of daily shower and occasional bath I still feel the thought of contamination. I lose track of other people but not myself.
  20. I think I am afraid of the future that’s definitely a factor. I have never had any plan in my head of where I would be beyond 40. I’ve kind of accepted Im not going to meet someone and have a family. Hopefully being an uncle is a good alternative. I kind of promised myself I’d not be living with parents at this age but I’ve failed at that. No financial reason, covid was a reason I couldn’t sell my flat but I could always have rented. So I need to try and find the energy to find a property and move out. Feels harder now though than a year or two ago. Also I’m not content in my job , although I am aware I need the job in order to move out whether it’s to rent or for a mortgage. So I’ll keep the job until I am in my own place and look to improve that later. The thing with the foot contamination was I didn’t deliberately do it, I was called into the room and at the time hadn’t got dressed. I could have quickly gone and put some socks on (which I would have discarded after) and I wouldn’t have made direct contact, and wouldn’t have created the additional problem for the last few months. Also regarding the exposure , it’s because I’m living here that I’m more likely to come in contact with the floor. If I had moved out a year ago it wouldn’t have happened. And definitely not barefoot. Its still bothering me but maybe slightly less as I’m telling myself my foot must physically be clean so it’s just the automatic thoughts I’m having saying otherwise. I am walking and driving at work so constantly using my foot and trying to feel normal about it. Because nobody else has thoughts attached to the floor , they can walk on it, and there’s no problem. Because i attached the thought that the floor had been in packs in the car when brought from the diy shop I therefore put the contaminated label on the floor. because I decided to discard many items I previously owned (which had been in the car) I could escape the contaminated feeling but I can’t really pull up a flooring or id look mad? Like I can’t tell my aunt to throw out the folding chairs or I’d look mad. it’s amazing how these little things can amount to life or death, somehow I’ve programmed myself to feel happy/extremely sad based on this contamination. the thoughts are like torture because they make me feel dread/doom but there is no way to resolve them. Why is my mind doing this? it’s been 5 months since my foot touched the floor and I’m just hoping that soon the thought of that will fade , as I know time can heal and eventually the thought doesn’t bother you. I’m also aware I have to keep trying to make progress as by not doing things I should be im paying too much attention to the thoughts telling me not to. I think when you look back years ago you remember things that you did but you forget the day to day feelings you had. so if I don’t keep try to make progress I’ll look back and think I failed again and wonder why, which right now is understandable due to how I feel. But I hopefully won’t remember the feelings I’ve been feeling and it will be more important that I took action and made progress.
  21. Thanks all. I just feel like my heads going to explode. To others I am quiet, thoughtful, calm but inside I’m not. My life at the moment is nothing but work (deliver parcels), come home, cup of tea, then eat and tv with parents. Only day off is Sunday so I’m doing a couple loads of washing and may go out later and get a coffee on my own ( friend not answering). Or I’ll just stay in, but I know going out at least once a day helps. As I mentioned before i have a flat which I’d rented out and only evicted the tenant in July due to covid. First buyer wasted my time but I’ve accepted another offer and hopefully it’s gone by Xmas. That’s been a big thing going on for years. a friend also owes me a stupid amount of money. I need to somehow regain some hope and confidence so I can move out even if it’s renting for a while. I’ve been in this house too long, it was only meant to be temporary. I said to my dad once I don’t want to end up like my next door neighbour who’s at home in his 40s and look what’s happened. there is zero financial reason for me to be living here, I kind of wish my parents weren’t so accommodating. I just hope this can be turned around. I want to try learning something new like computer programming/coding but there’s no way I can do it in my current situation/routine. Not enough time or peace and quiet and also no computer setup. I’ve ended up just using a phone for everything ?. I get what you said about the accidental exposure , but it was a kind of failed exposure as I had to shower straight after and I’ve felt bad ever since. I find it really hard /impossible to distinguish between thoughts and physical things. I understand I can ignore thoughts and let them go but when I’m faced with a physical object and the flight response It’s overpowering. maybe I am afraid of the future. In terms of people dying and contact with other contaminated items. How can I undo something I’ve done for years ( tracing contamination). I was close to moving forward a few months back , but the foot thing has set me back I don’t know how long for. do you think my Amygdala is the problem? As I can’t seem to apply and reason or logic to it. On one hand I know I am the awareness and should be bigger than the thoughts that enter my head, but on the other hand I feel like a fraud, that it took years to regain some hope after the original incident and that I’ve just thrown fuel on the fire by stepping on the floor. Can’t believe I did that barefoot. I got anxious enough when anyone else was in that room then I stepped in there myself. I just feel so messed up, I’m just surviving, my sleep isn’t affected. Neither is eating. But my mind can’t see much of a future.
  22. Thanks snowbear so kind of you to help , I’ll try and take in what you said and see if I can apply it. I feel like I’m in a crisis and have been for several months. My mind is going over things, all sorts of things from the past , maybe I’ve just hit a wall at 40 and need to change to move forward. Don’t think it helped I reopened the wound of the contamination which had been laying dormant but never fully going away. I realise now running was my one escape , a way to calm the mind and do something for myself . I have been thinking of when I used to get up early on a Sunday and drive to an event or maybe even stay somewhere Saturday night before. at the moment I dont think I can do this. I’ll report back again
  23. I agree with snowbear, back when my problems developed I was young and didn’t want to appear weak in any way so from then on I’ve got to great lengths to hide the problems from friends and family. Honestly I don’t think this has helped me.
  24. I just don’t know where to start caramoole ? That’s why I try to understand how the problem started to find a way to reverse it. If I can’t understand it I can’t see how I can resolve it? What approach should I take? I’m sorry for keeping the post going
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