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Tezzy

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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    Liverpool

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  1. Hi all. So I've been doing something I think might be OCD driven. I keep a journal and lately I've been writing in it several times a day, filling between 10 and 30 pages. Many time when I have a thought I write it down in my journal, and end up with pages and pages of random thoughts written out. It feels like I'm hoarding all my thoughts and can't let them go, otherwise I'll feel like I've lost them forever. When I was studying at uni and had to vacate my dorm room, I wrote down a list of every single thing that was in the room, and it took me so long I stayed up till the next morning and almost missed my bus home. Everytime I go somewhere I try to buy a momento so I won't forget going there. I have thousands of books which I can't throw away after reading as I'm scared I'll forget reading them. I also write every thought I have in the margins and they're full of scribble. I even deleted something I was going to add to this post and got anxious like it was lost or I was being dishonest. Can anyone relate to this? I also have ADHD, dyslexia and bipolar 2, so treating my OCD hasn't been easy. I have complex trauma and maybe PTSD. Best
  2. If it helps I get thoughts of touching people and get it can be upsetting. The scary one is the intrusive thought of touching a child inappropriately, which as you can imagine makes me feel awful. I do ritualised to negate the thought, but I'm also trying to let them pass. So you're not alone and it helps to remember you it's OCD. Also, I found it helps totryntonthink what would be the worst thing that would happen. My therapist said it'd probably just be the person you touched thinks you're a bit odd, and if they're upset you can always apologise and explain you have OCD, and most likely they'll understand. Try to take the sting out of it by letting it play out in your mind and letting it tire itself out rather than seeking a solution. I hope you can work through this and feel better soon x
  3. Hi everyone my name is Tezzy, I’m 37, and I’ve been struggling with OCD for pretty much my entire life. Things are quite complicated as I also have bipolar disorder, which means a compulsion can be fuelled by a manic episode, making it even more distressing (does anyone else have ODC/bipolar?). Since I was a teenager My OCD has mainly manifested as a fear of being a peadophile (POCD) and there’s times when my life has been a living hell. POCD is so awful, a crazy paradox, where you have absolutely no desire or attraction towards children but fear you secretly do. So many things lead me to check if I’m feeling attraction, leading to a groinal response, which feeds the OCD. You feel totally isolated, who can you talk? Most people just think OCD is a hand washing thing so how would they react if you them about your fears, would they just think you’re secretly a peadophile? Having bipolar has made it so much worse, like throwing fuel on the fire, the calmness you need to overcome a trigger just isn’t there. I sometimes feel like I have the Stasi in my head, monitoring my thoughts for any infractions. There are days I feel so dirty, my head full of unwanted thoughts, and I’d give anything to feel clean. there have been a few moments of hope. I went to an OCD support group, it was full of wonderful people, one who even had POCD, which made me feel less alone (unfortunately it was too far away for me to attend regularly). I’m trying to learn more about my OCD, my triggers, coming up with strategies, I’m also going to go back into therapy soon. I’m really glad this forum exists and if anyone has any experiences or advice I’d love to hear it thanks for reading x
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