well last year I gone to dark web. that is all I remember clearly. other then that I have memories of me searching for "jailbait" on search engine that wont' filter the results. I don't even know if this memory is true. I also have memories of me masturbating to something that I think came as a result. again , I am not sure.
But from what I have heard from a lot of people online, it is impossible to find child porn in the search results just like that so it is impossible that what I could have masturbated might be child porn.
well I am addicted to porn, and I even masturbated to some weird porn like animal for no reason.
Also when I was like 14 or 15, I would search porn in which women look younger than age( all legal) just because they look younger than their age.
also , sometimes, like 2 or 3 times, I searched for teen porn last year(again everything legal), just because they looked like my age.
I never fantasized children sexually, and all my fantasies only included adults or people my own age.
i am suffering form this , and I have posted a similar post here on reddit. I received a message from an guy, with a link telling me that " she is 13 year old, check if you are attracted to her" the link itself looked suspicious, I clicked, it was a video of a 13 year old naked. I freaked out , got a panic attack.
I tried to check if I am attracted one or two times, but due to my anxiety that time, I deleted my whole reddit account.
I am now worried that I checked one or two times because I am attracted to the that. it gives me intense panic attack so much that it gives me intense head ache.
next incident is recent. I was not able to live with this uncertainity. a person said to me that it is not easy to find child porn on dark web, so I thought I should check it, so I gone to duckduckgo in tor browser and came to know no stuffs like that was exist. I suddenly remember another search engine, and I clicked the first link in which the first image itself was messed up . It was which I hope is a pic of a dwarf women. I suddenly closed that website. and haven't sleeped since
I cannot stop asking these questions inside my head. I am keep on asking
will you masturbate to child porn if you got a chance to?
are you sexually attracted to a child
I cannot stop ruminating and I feel like I would be better if I jumped out of a building
honestly I never even thought about a child in sexual way. not even once. but now whenever I see a tv show, and I see a girl, i need to check if I am attracted to that girl, then I will go to google to find out that girl's age. if I felt that I guessed the age of that girl wrong, I would feel terrible
I am already suffering from some sexual things when I was a kid, like when I was 12-14. I was not the the average younger teen you are seeing now. I lacked any sex education , and was homeschooled, had no friends, had no access to any kind of technology whatsoever.
now i am just worried. there was a porn video on a famous tube site which is 100% legal. in that video there was a comment about pedophile, that is when I came across the term and searched for it on google and started obsess if I am one.
I saw a post somewhere telling me that pedophiles can't differentiate between adults and kids, and I tried to see if I could feel the same way and I felt like I did and caused intense anxiety.
when ever now I see a teenage girl, I am asking myself if I am attracted to them, and my brain is telling me things like you always are, and also you can't see them as kids. this freaks me out
I was considering castration before, but now I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this ****.
This is not a post of me asking for sympathy, rather I just thought I should vent this all out.