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cursedforever

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  1. well last year I gone to dark web. that is all I remember clearly. other then that I have memories of me searching for "jailbait" on search engine that wont' filter the results. I don't even know if this memory is true. I also have memories of me masturbating to something that I think came as a result. again , I am not sure. But from what I have heard from a lot of people online, it is impossible to find child porn in the search results just like that so it is impossible that what I could have masturbated might be child porn. well I am addicted to porn, and I even masturbated to some weird porn like animal for no reason. Also when I was like 14 or 15, I would search porn in which women look younger than age( all legal) just because they look younger than their age. also , sometimes, like 2 or 3 times, I searched for teen porn last year(again everything legal), just because they looked like my age. I never fantasized children sexually, and all my fantasies only included adults or people my own age. i am suffering form this , and I have posted a similar post here on reddit. I received a message from an guy, with a link telling me that " she is 13 year old, check if you are attracted to her" the link itself looked suspicious, I clicked, it was a video of a 13 year old naked. I freaked out , got a panic attack. I tried to check if I am attracted one or two times, but due to my anxiety that time, I deleted my whole reddit account. I am now worried that I checked one or two times because I am attracted to the that. it gives me intense panic attack so much that it gives me intense head ache. next incident is recent. I was not able to live with this uncertainity. a person said to me that it is not easy to find child porn on dark web, so I thought I should check it, so I gone to duckduckgo in tor browser and came to know no stuffs like that was exist. I suddenly remember another search engine, and I clicked the first link in which the first image itself was messed up . It was which I hope is a pic of a dwarf women. I suddenly closed that website. and haven't sleeped since I cannot stop asking these questions inside my head. I am keep on asking will you masturbate to child porn if you got a chance to? are you sexually attracted to a child I cannot stop ruminating and I feel like I would be better if I jumped out of a building honestly I never even thought about a child in sexual way. not even once. but now whenever I see a tv show, and I see a girl, i need to check if I am attracted to that girl, then I will go to google to find out that girl's age. if I felt that I guessed the age of that girl wrong, I would feel terrible I am already suffering from some sexual things when I was a kid, like when I was 12-14. I was not the the average younger teen you are seeing now. I lacked any sex education , and was homeschooled, had no friends, had no access to any kind of technology whatsoever. now i am just worried. there was a porn video on a famous tube site which is 100% legal. in that video there was a comment about pedophile, that is when I came across the term and searched for it on google and started obsess if I am one. I saw a post somewhere telling me that pedophiles can't differentiate between adults and kids, and I tried to see if I could feel the same way and I felt like I did and caused intense anxiety. when ever now I see a teenage girl, I am asking myself if I am attracted to them, and my brain is telling me things like you always are, and also you can't see them as kids. this freaks me out I was considering castration before, but now I feel like just killing myself is the only way out of this ****. This is not a post of me asking for sympathy, rather I just thought I should vent this all out.
  2. well I will share the incident that concerns me I am dealing with pocd (atlleast I hope). well last year, I went into dark web one night. honestly that is all I remember. I have multiple memories of that same incident. one of that memory is that I might have masturbated to jailbait stuffs.. I am freaking out. I seriously don't know, but now I feel like I am someone who always wanted to see child porn and will masturbate again if I got another chance to. I am crushing my skull to figure out if I will ever do that, and I don't know if I did it. I was struggling to find this incident, and posted a similar post here on reddit. a person sent me an link telling me that this is a 13 year old and asked me to see if I am attracted. the link looked suspicious, anyway I clicked it, and it was a naked video of a girl. I freaked out, tried to see I am really attracted, then I got a panic attack , then later that day I deleted my whole reddit account. now I am worried that I liked actually and I have faked my panic attack. I don't know when was the last time I slept tbh. this feels like living hell. Why am I feeling like I would masturbate to it if I got a chance to? I am having a ton of false memories and don't know how to deal with them. someone please help me.` because of this, I started to rarely use my computer, I am worried I would go into one with curiosity, and i am even getting images of me doing that in the future. am I a pedophile? someone please help me. well the thing is that , I don't even know if this happened or not. but I can't stop obsessing. I am pretty sure I cannot able to remember anything. also, I can't even trust my current memory. well I don't know anything. but I can't stop obsessing. my brain is bringing some random memories like you slept there that night so you might have done it even if I actually went to dark web, and searched for cp, it seems that those shits are not easy to find and government has blocked most of them. but I still can't stop obsessing./ I honestly don't know what to do. all my fantasies included adult women, not even once I ever thought someone just even two years old to be sexually attractive, or fantasized them someone please help me.
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