Bmat94

Sorry my phone had a moment and it posted the thread before I'd finished haha! I was saying that the company seems amazing and the people are all absolutely lovely! I knew I was going into this job during a pretty heavy battle with my OCD (which has been going on for several months now), and whilst it has been kept at bay due to all the information I've had to absorb, I feel like the intrusive thoughts are starting to creep in and take a little bit more of a hold on me again. One of my biggest intrusions is sending horrible, offensive or just disgusting emails/messages etc. to other people; with a new office job, there is plenty around me to trigger these intrusive thoughts! And it makes emails/messages in my personal life harder too. I know I've been over this before in terms of dealing with it and accepting the thoughts, but it's just so hard to disconnect from the content of the thoughts because it's just so awful and causes me such distress. I don't want to leave this job because of my OCD (I have left jobs in the past because it's been too much to manage), I want to stay strong and persevere with it. I'm just finding it really hard right now to keep on top of the real stresses of the new job and then trying to manage the OCD as well

Hey everyone, I hope you're all doing well! I'm just having a bit of a wobble currently, and feeling like I need to just vent a little bit.. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and I have loved it so far - the coma

Hey @L.M. Thanks so much for this! Yes absolutely, I can identify when the anxiety is there and bubbling away, and then when it starts to decrease. It's a bit of a yo-yo during the compulsion and also later on when the doubts come back, it'll rise a bit, then lower, then rise a bit more, and then settle down again. Yes, this is exactly the angle I prefer also. I definitely understand the idea of minimising the value of the intrusions by saying there won't really be any catastrophic consequences, but because I struggle with a variety of intrusions under the "Harm OCD" umbrella, it just doesn't seem realistic to overcome the anxiety by thinking that way. I couldn't possibly have an intrusion about hurting someone/self-sabotaging and then say to myself that it's all ok. I think my best approach to this particular sub-type of OCD is to reduce compulsions, sit with the fear in triggering situations and then afterwards to minimise the importance of perceived disasters that acting on the thoughts could cause. I mean, it makes zero sense to think about the catastrophy if I haven't even gotten past the doubt phase! Because ultimately, the conversation I always seem to have with OCD is: "Did I, would I, could I, what if...?" Lately, I have been trying to work harder on my relationship with acceptance. This might not be a particularly healthy method of coping long-term (or maybe it will be a useful tool?), but when I start to ask those usual questions above, I interrupt that dialogue by saying to myself "I tell you what, just accept that if you've done something then the consequences will be what they will be, and you can deal with it then. Otherwise, stop worrying about something that you simply can't change now" etc. To be honest, that usually helps loads to reduce anxiety, but maybe it's something that could become another compulsion if I'm not careful? Look at that... More doubt! Lol!

Thank you very much @snowbear for these words. What you've said does make sense. Am I right in saying this is the cognitive part of CBT that I'm struggling with still then? For an exposure like that to be successful it's about sitting with the thought, not building its importance all whilst being in that triggering moment? And then afterwards about recognising that the thought is completely unimportant and doesn't require attention because in the grand scheme of things it isn't? What you say here is just so incredibly hard to accept, because the themes of my intrusions are so awful and unsettling. I'm just not sure how I could minimise the value of the thoughts because of how awful they are. You name the intrusive thought under the "Harm OCD" umbrella, I've probably had it - I just don't know how I can change the value I place on thoughts such as these, as I know the consequences would in fact be horrible. In terms of the exposure itself though, was allowing myself to think the thought in the triggering moment and sitting with that anxiety the correct way of doing the exposure? It's just the value I place on the thoughts that's still a problem? I'm still a bit stuck, sorry to be a pain!

Hi all, I hope you're doing okay! I've been doing so much better over the last few days because I've been cutting the compulsions way down, but I just wanted to know if I was doing the right thing when I was experiencing intrusive thoughts yesterday. Long story short, I was experiencing an intrusive thought around sending an awful/disgusting email to someone (technology has been a huge trigger for my intrusive thoughts for a long time now), and because I have been finding exposure and reducing my compulsions very useful against OCD, I decided I would use this moment to lean into the intrusive thought in an attempt to sit with the anxiety despite how awful the thought was. I made a point of allowing myself to think the thought whilst resisting the urge to perform any compulsions, mental or otherwise (e.g. analysing the phone screen, asking myself if I knew where the email app is, asking myself if I'd physically seen the email app open recently, distracting myself by looking at other things etc). I literally used the moment to just observe the phone being near me and to sit with the intrusive thought going around in my head. Now, I find myself experiencing all the catastrophic thinking and ruminating over the situation, absolutely terrified that I've sent an email. I'm thinking I can just check the sent folder, but then I'm questioning whether I may have deleted it from the sent folder and deleted it from the trash so I'd never be able to know for certain. It's all the usual OCD nonsense that is currently spinning around. I understand that I am now performing compulsions by ruminating and creating doubt when I should be letting it go, but I can't help but wonder if by allowing myself to think the thought and expose myself, I didn't do it correctly somehow. I'm wondering that by making myself think the thought it was actually me deliberately placing the thought into my awareness instead of it being an intrusion, and for that reason I may well have acted on the disgusting intrusive thought and sent an email. I know it's all silly and irrational, but I'm moreso questioning the effectiveness of my exposures. To add to the doubt, I was also feeling quite frustrated with my partner at the time and we were both quite tense, so I'm worrying that my negative mood managed to cloud my awareness and cause me to subconsciously act on my awful thought. I truly hate OCD with every fibre of my being, and I'm just trying really hard now to feel stronger again! Any insight would be hugely appreciated Many thanks!

Hey all, I know what I've done to make my intrusive thoughts feel so real and scary today, but I think I'll just feel better having a moan and getting it off my chest! I gave into countless compulsions today; I checked, I ruminated, I went and checked again, I created so much doubt and anxiety by checking and ruminating even more. Today has just been one big compulsive nightmare. I tell myself, "it's so obvious why thoughts become stuck like this when you do compulsions or you try to fight them; you're constantly validating them!". So why do I keep doing it? In these moments I truly believe I have hurt someone, and I feel compelled to go and make sure I haven't. I mean, I just feel so stupid all the time creating stories in my own mind that are complete and utter fiction! What's worse is that when I get into these compulsive states, I start getting a headache and become dizzy, my concentration is severely impaired and it impacts my ability to carry out incredibly basic tasks throughout the day. I just needed to vent, thanks so much for reading. Maybe at some point soon I will be able to take my OCD's power away!

Hey all, I know what I've done to make my intrusive thoughts feel so real and scary today, but I think I'll just feel better having a moan and getting it off my chest! I gave into countless compulsions today; I checked, I ruminated, I went and checked again, I created so much doubt and anxiety by checking and ruminating even more. Today has just been one big compulsive nightmare. I tell myself, "it's so obvious why thoughts become stuck like this when you do compulsions or you try to fight them; you're constantly validating them!". So why do I keep doing it? In these moments I truly believe I have hurt someone, and I feel compelled to go and make sure I haven't. I mean, I just feel so stupid all the time creating stories in my own mind that are complete and utter fiction! What's worse is that when I get into these compulsive states, I start getting a headache and become dizzy, my concentration is severely impaired and it impacts my ability to carry out incredibly basic tasks throughout the day. I just needed to vent, thanks so much for reading. Maybe at some point soon I will be able to take my OCD's power away!

Hey @Jan111 I'm doing better today thank you! Yesterday I run away from the triggering situations and also looked back to check I hadn't hurt anyone, and by doing that I fell further into my anxiety. When I think about triggering situations like yesterday I feel heightened anxiety and feel like I need to resolve my doubts somehow by messaging people to make sure they're responding and everything is alright, or if I'm in an extreme spiral with OCD I might convince myself to go back to where I was to be absolutely sure no one was hurt. It's just so hard sometimes to work through it and let go of the ruminating!

Hi all, I'm sorry to vent on here but I just wanted to post as my OCD is just getting really on top of me again! I had a major spike back in September last year, went to the doctor for some help and since then I've gone onto Citalopram and I've been undergoing private counselling as well. I feel like I just can't get away from my OCD this time, it's just so distressing and frustrating! I've been doing my very best to dismiss intrusive thoughts and stop compulsions, but after so many months now and with no let up from the OCD I'm just feeling a bit deflated. My intrusive thoughts centre around anything harm, and when i feel like I'm leaving a trail of destruction behind me it's just so hard to continue with my day as normal. Tonight I had another intrusive thought, and I proceeded to try to run away from the situation (avoidance), and then look back to check I hadn't hurt anyone which added more fear. I told myself not to use avoidance, not to look back and check, but I did. And onto the vicious cycle I jumped!! I know to stop compulsions, particularly ruminating and checking, I know to expose myself to triggering situations, but it feels like OCD is winning this fight at the moment. I'm overwhelmed Thanks so much for reading! B

That's very helpful @Saffron37 thank you! I understand everything you've said there yes and I think you're right! Rumination is a big problem for me and is usually the thing that keeps the thoughts alive, no matter how few physical compulsions I do to feel easier. I will definitely look to get some proper CBT to change my behaviours around the intrusive thoughts - something has to give.. I get so fed up and move into deep spirals of depression until I can find some sort of strength to work my way out of them! Thank you so much for your references to these books as well! I will try and use these and other workbooks to help me while I wait for therapy.

Hi @snowbear, I've been reading this thread and I've found what you've said above here an indication as to why I think I'm still struggling. I'm going off piste here from the thread so I apologise, but since I had a major flare up with my OCD two months ago I have finally started exposing myself to triggering situations and not doing any compulsions despite the overwhelming anxiety. My issue is that I will have the thought, realise I am not to do any compulsions and get on with my day - afterwards, I still feel incredibly anxious like I need to go fix it and it will play on my mind from that point. It feels like I'll have the thought, it'll terrify me and I'll go into that "dizzy, glazed, zoned out" mode (it's the only way I can describe it - maybe it's the sensations from fight or flight where it can feel like an urge) and I will resist doing any compulsions. However it will then leave me in this mind game of "did I do something whilst I felt zoned out, how would I know? I really need to sort this to feel better". But because no compulsions were done I'm left panicking that something will now happen! When I read what I've said here it of course looks quintessentially OCD, but what you said here: "They can then do the cognitive part of CBT (which works) instead of endless ERP without understanding what they need to achieve and why they can't make thoughts stop troubling them permanently". What you've said here is my problem, right? I haven't had CBT so I don't know what that cognitive part is. I am doing endless exposures and stopping compulsions but the thoughts are still coming in force. What is that cognitive element? I'm having to wait 4 months before I can actually see a CBT therapist so I'm ideally needing to learn about this cognitive part myself in the mean time I think, otherwise my ERP and compulsion-stopping efforts won't really mean much will they? Many thanks for your time!

Hey all, So I've been trying my best to stop doing any compulsions and for the most part it has made me feel a bit better. I've been exposing myself to triggering situations as often as possible as well. A theme that has always stayed with me and scared me is when I am driving. I used to have all sorts of intrusive thoughts when I was driving. And once again today I have gotten myself so worked up whilst driving home, that I turned around twice to make sure I hadn't hurt anyone - I made the drive 30 mins longer than it needed to be. As soon as I hop in the car and start driving, I will have moments where I think I didnt check around me properly, or that someone was crossing the road and I didnt see them, so it will completely panic me, and I will then check to make sure there are other cars behind me, because if they're not then of course my OCD tells me they've had to stop because I've hit someone. I will then panic that because I've looked in the rear view mirror I havent been focussing on the road in front of me, so I will then panic that I've hit someone else. I literally cant even look at my drivers information system or the screen because if I've looked away from the road for a split second, I have risked hitting someone without knowing. But because I have to look at my speed often I just get into spirals all the time. I will continuously ruminate over having hurt someone every single mile I drive and I just get home feeling like a complete wreck. I know I was stupid to turn around and check as that also made me think I'd hit someone whilst turning around and added an extra 30 minutes to my drive. I know all of it is compulsions; checking, ruminating - but I just cant cope feeling unsure of whether I hit someone on the road! I feel soooooo stuck at the moment. Thank you for listening to me rant!

Thank you so much @MJzaf! I have a phone call with the Dr tomorrow morning which should hopefully give me a plan of action from this point. Whether I have to wait for the IAPT services in order to get any CBT I dont know, but to have someone listening tomorrow should really help! I had a full day of work today, and it has been absolutely relentless with the intrusive thoughts, but I did not do any compulsions whilst at work and just got on with it. I feel so much calmer now already with my day at work so I'm happy about that. Long way to go still, I gave in to compulsions whilst driving tonight (going back and checking, looking that I was below the speed limits constantly, round and round for about 25 mins... exhausting!), and the standard nasty thoughts are here with me at home this evening, but I am doing my best to accept the thoughts and put them in the spam folder. Really is incredible how OCD can see the slightest weakness brought on by increased stress and it's already there waiting for you! That's what makes me so afraid of it - it will always be there waiting to pounce.

Thank you so much, I will do just that. Got a couple of a good self help books which I will read through again!

I have been able to do it so successfully for the last couple years, just discarding it as an intrusive thought caused by OCD. But somehow it's all completely overwhelming me this time. I've had different thoughts crop up over the last couple years and I've dealt with each one as they've occurred, but because I had a bad week last week and my stress levels spiked, it's like all the thoughts I've ever had are coming at me all at once, which is why I think it's overwhelmed me like this. I am waiting to see a therapist for CBT, hopefully that can help. Thanks so much for your help and advice!