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GreenyGreen23

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  1. Hey, I know you wrote this post a few days ago now but I just wanted to say I totally get the feeling of “what if I harm” someone at work. Mine isn’t thoughts of strangling etc, but accidental like slipping on wet floor caused by me etc. When I was really poorly it was so bad my mum actually rang work once for me to check I had put our crafting scissors away. Of course I had. But OCD exaggerated the situation so so much. I was so afraid. It might help maybe, but I find if I’m hungry/dehydrated/tired that’s when thoughts are really bad and I’m the most confused. Try and track how you are with sleep, also keep sweets or dried fruit etc on your desk as sugar might help in those situations? I hope you’ve had a better week this week. I didn’t want to read and scroll on as I can really relate to how you feel! Take it easy just remember also people with OCD are often really caring, decent people. You don’t want to harm anyone which is why the thoughts really upset you, so you are a pretty damn good person. Be proud of getting up each day and dealing with this, because it’s bloody hard. Remember, you are awesome! And keep going
  2. Be kind to yourself @Cat21 just to say I often have sore hands and I would worry about similar things. Did you manage to go to the class? If we can, we really must face the fear and do it anyway. My therapist said that OCD is like a school bully, if we ignore the bully they will get bored and go away. If we react to the bully they will keep bullying us for that attention. We have to try and not be bullied. We are all kind people here who care, so we deserve to be happy.
  3. I think a lot of it can be luck of the draw and if you can connect well with your therapist. My first round of CBT failed because of a few reasons but I just didn’t connect with who I had, she was lovely but it just didn’t work. whereas now two years later my second therapist is completely different and I am doing much better. Although I’m just getting on to my contamination ERP so we’ll see?! 😫 but I connect with this therapist, so it works and I feel positive. Fingers crossed?! Just to say I have feelings of disgust on a day to day basis so you are not alone and it’s good we have this forum to talk to one another. Self help books might be an option to think about to, and finding a good gp, my gp is a diamond I don’t know where I would be without her. Take care
  4. Thanks for your reply 🙂 I do need to just switch off mentally and like you said I just have to go for it, I know there is no other way. Life is so hectic sometimes it’s just finding the time to break the cycles too that I’m in. How are you getting on are you going through ERP yourself at the moment?
  5. So I’ve had great success with the lower end of my hierarchy, I no longer check plugs or taps like I would before leaving the house. However, now we are onto higher ish levels of my hierarchy including all things contamination and harming others accidentally etc. I can’t even put pen to paper here, let alone imagine starting to expose myself and purposely do stuff. It just seems, impossible. I just can’t imagine doing it, at all. I am determined I want to be well. This is no way to be living. But, I dunno.. I just can’t imagine it. I want to be strong, so we’ll see?!? Anyone else feel this way? Thanks for reading
  6. @L.M. I’m just back from a run and really unsettled. I tried to hydrate and eat fairly soon after, but I’m still really feeling it. I think I’m tired. The high & focus I used to get from running really is the opposite 😫 but I don’t want to give up running! Also having a lot of “just right” thoughts, repeating simple tasks over and over. I’ve the doctor tomorrow and it’ll soon be 1st June when CBT starts properly now. I’m so pleased to read the CBT has given you that freedom! I don’t want to live like this anymore…
  7. Thanks @L.M. yes I need to get that book out again, it’s written in a way that isn’t complicated. I’ve just been pretty low, and by the time everything OCD is done the day is pretty much over. I’m so sick of the amount of washing clothes there is! I don’t actually know what’s normal? I wash everything straight away after each wear or sometimes I change mid way through a day for whatever OCD reason I have at the time
  8. Hey @L.M. my sessions start properly on the 1st June, my therapist is on holiday (I wish I was on holiday sometimes lol) Today I cleaned the side board for dishes I think 5/6 times, you’re right it feels worse the more attempts you try, eventually I just felt really down so stopped it anyway then just settled myself by asking for reassurance, which I got, I no it’s wrong to do that but sometimes there just is no other option when you feel this rubbish! I’ve worked a full week this week, so I can tell I’m tired. I also have been a bit stupid in running while having blood tests this week. Sometimes I just feel so low though, I think, I just don’t care anymore, so I do daft stuff anyway, like have that Starbucks coffee even though I know it won’t do me any favours. I think I need to rethink my medication? because reading this back it’s all sounding very negative… I’m very teary in my eyes most days,but suppress it. Very hormonal though… did I say doctor has referred me to a gynaecologist which is really good (hopefully) My hands get so much sanitiser on, it’s awful and that makes me feel so down to! I need to stop buying bottles of it, do my own ERP. I really think I should do this next week at work
  9. I try and say sometimes “you only have one shot at this” but that doesn’t work and I still go on, and on… and on. I sometimes get so angry and that actually stops it. If I didn’t have a sink, I couldn’t wash you’re very right there. Which is why I plan and be out of the house as much as possible, and why I knew I had to get to back to work asap. But I know that’s avoiding so I shouldn’t do that too much, I need to do the ERP. @L.M. it’s so good that you’ve had lots of little successes and you feel less anxious. I’ve started ripping sellotape, toilet roll, just general things, but re doing it, until it “feels right” feels absolutely crazy, it’s new and never had it before. Have you had anything similar? Even putting sanitiser on, and it “doesn’t feel right” literally a second and I’ll redo it. Nightmare. 😫
  10. It’s just finding spare time to reward lol maybe the odd takeaway! I have done the Parkrun this morning and I could tell I was starting to feel a bit bad, but kept my sugar and hydration up and the ocd didn’t flare too bad at all! my therapist sounds nice from our first chat, however ERP does NOT sound nice, I know so much about it anyway, I just don’t know how for some things I’m going to manage?! Some things are HUGE red zones for me. *must power through this!*
  11. I’ve decided no running now on work days. For sure. It was all rushed in my head, always is. Parkrun is perfect, because it’s a Saturday and with family. I might swim for a while. It’s just awful having to say I might be retiring from running for a bit, I really do love it :(( I can still feel the tiredness today though still, and I’ve done a few things I wish I hadn’t today, like wiping taps and wiping random surface areas and I didn’t need to (I don’t think) But I’ve also done positive things, I’m doing an online course and I’m painting still for work, managed to do both today, yesterday I couldn’t. It really does hit you like bam! Doesn’t it?! It’s so nice to share this and have someone understand and know that feeling. Thank you again @L.M. Hope you are getting on well with your recovery
  12. It was really good to read your experience here. Thanks @L.M. Today I went for a run and it was unbelievable about an hour afterwards, so I got back at 10am and by 11am the OCD was really bad, I was confused/afraid and couldn’t understand why I was doing what I was doing. Eventually I managed to stop and I said to myself over and over “it’s ok it’s over now, it’s over now” and then I went upstairs and burst into tears. So crazy and never used to be this way. I even rang the crisis line because I was shaking like a tremor, but the line was busy so I couldn’t speak to anyone eventually I just managed to settle. I’m much better now after my shift at work, but looking back it really did knock me. I think I didn’t take on fluid, I didn’t eat or take on electrolytes etc, and I knew I had work so I was kind of rushing. All in all I was just a bit stupid and should have known better. I’ll know for next time. But it really actually scared me how I felt after my run. I love running, and it used to help me so so much. I had so much planned for today and it was all a write off! I just about made it out the door to work! sorry, that was a ramble! 3 days to go until CBT! I need to forget today and focus on that for sure
  13. With home life sleep gets broken often. Thanks @Handy I know now it’s so important to take care of the brain @L.M. I spoke to my doctor about this, now after running my ocd is in fact worse sometimes not better, it’s so strange! I love running so I’m just hoping with therapy and everything settling down the running will help again like it used to. I've made a diary of my symptoms cycle wise since December, and my doctor is so good she agrees I need help from a gynaecologist, so I’ve been referred to them. It’s awful every month the same,I have thoughts that are really scary. I’m really determined to do this round of CBT 100 percent committed, no matter how hard! I have to do this. Then I hopefully can help others in the future, that’s the goal. I feel so lucky the appointment has come much quicker than I ever thought it would have
  14. Having a bit of a bad day again today, had a poor sleep, so I’m starting to notice patterns when it gets worse and tiredness is one. Do you find that @L.M.? I’ve just had my CBT appointment through though, and it’s a week today!
  15. Yeah it was more last week (time of the month) that the handwashing was really long. Much better this week. I even managed to not wash my hands once today after I’d been outside, I’ve been painting for work today and that took my mind off the anxiety that came. Painting is a great distraction for me, I’ve also signed up for an online course. It does kind of make sense… but I have to be honest maybe not completely (it’s been a long day though!) thanks so much for our reply When I get super stressed too the thought of going the bathroom really gets me because I know I won’t be able to stop.
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