Anthony

Some of the thoughts revolve around POCD and I just can't bring myself to think about them intentionally. Sometimes I wonder if I do think of them on purpose as a way of testing my reaction to them, though. But to sit here and consciously think of them intentionally is not something I can do, especially some of the horrific images that intrusively pop into my mind sometimes.

Yes, the worst part is associating my phone number with these thoughts, which I no makes no sense. But I keep thinking to myself "anytime I have to think of my phone number, write it down, give it to someone, etc, I am going to think of this particular disturbing thought" and that changing my number will make that go away. When I know that relief will only be temporary until it happens again and again. You're right that it's tedious, and it's annoying for others and not only me. It's embarrassing to have to keep telling people I have a new phone number.

I can relate to the compulsive confessing. When I had a breakdown in 2017, which led me to being hospitalized, I was on a confessing "rampage" and also confessed my worst thoughts to my parents. I look back now and am horrified and embarrassed at the things I told them. Something one of the doctors in the hospital told me while I was there, that stuck with me was "confessing is not going to absolve you". And it's true. Whatever I did was done and whatever thoughts I was having would not magically disappear or become undone simply because I was confessing. And all confessing was doing was leading to MORE confessing. I know it's so hard, but until you resist it, it will only get worse. Another thing I was told by this same doctor in the hospital was that I was too ill for CBT at the time, so he told me to just imagine a big red stop sign anytime I had one of my thoughts. Maybe you could envision this same stop sign when you feel yourself compelled to confess something.

Ideally, my goal would be both. My obsessions revolve around Harm OCD and POCD. I guess my fear is that if I think of these things for too long, I will eventually "snap" and act on them, even though I've suffered from this since I was 13-14 (I'm now 32) and never have nor do I want to. Sometimes my OCD will tell me "yes, you want to act on them" even though I know the real me doesn't want to and the thoughts torment me. I changed my number for a somewhat-legitimate reason and then again when I stopped talking to a friend of mine, which was probably unnecessary. I then changed it again because someone I was talking to an app was weirding me out. I could have just blocked these people but my thinking was that I had to change my number. Then as I kept doing it, I felt like the number "felt wrong" or was "contaminated" because it had likely been used by someone before, so I ended up researching ways to try and get a "fresh/new/clean" number. Eventually, one day I was updating my number in the system at work and I had a bad thought at the same time, so I thought that my number was "linked" to this thought and the thought wouldn't go away until I changed my number again. Normally, this obsession would go away within a few days or a week at most, but it lingered for months. I eventually caved in and changed it again a little over a week ago as mentioned in my original post. Now, yesterday my brother repeated my number to me and as he did I tried to block out any bad thoughts and ended up having one in return. Now I'm thinking I need to change it again, but I know this will continue until I put my foot down for good. I was doing pretty good up until last night when my brother mentioned my phone number and then the cycle of thoughts was triggered again.

This is going to sound crazy...My OCD has been so bad the last few months, that my compulsion is to change my phone number to make the thoughts go away. I can't change my number every day, so I will go a few months in between and then give in and change it again. I just changed it a little over a week and now my OCD is kicking in high gear I have suffered from this compulsion over a decade ago and now it's been back for the last year and a half. This is ridiculous and people think I'm insane and/or a drug dealer for changing my number so often. I had to come clean to a few people who I otherwise wouldn't have told, about my OCD due to this issue. It is also annoying to have to go into all of my accounts (for my bills, apps, etc) and update my contact # each time I give into this compulsion. I've been using an analogy the last week from a Ted Talk I watched about OCD called "Starving The Monster" and have been telling myself that each time I give in, I am feeding the monster and it's growing stronger, as mentioned in the Ted Talk. I feel like that analogy isn't working today and could really use some support. I'm even considering disconnecting my phone and just having people contact me via social media messaging and email rather than call/text until I get this compulsion under control and have a phone number like a normal person. Or even going back to the hospital (was hospitalized in 2017 for a month) until there is some relief.