StrugglingAgain

@roxyman, I am so sorry this is happening to you as well. Take your time with the anti-depressants, they will work as you know they have before. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s currently day 4 of my upped dosage and I don’t feel as bad as I have done when starting a new dose. But still feel really tired and anxious. I keep worrying that this won’t end but I have to keep reminding myself that this will pass!

@Phili, so sorry to hear you going through it. I completely get what you are saying and am currently going through a very bad spell. But I have to say - comfort is not what gets you through - comfort / reassurance actually just exacerbates it. We have to find a way to accept it as hard as that may seem. The only thing I think that works for me is time and medication but everyone is different. just know you are not alone - some of us long for ‘just depression’ as it seems like that can be more easily managed. But nothing lasts forever! Stay strong

Just wanted to give everyone an update as am so thankful for the engagement from you all. I have upped my medication and thankfully with little side effects so far - usually I really struggle when I go onto them at the start. I know it will take a little time to kick in properly but sometimes hard to remember that. My days are playing out basically the same - I panic about having to turn myself in and go to jail one day and what that would do to the family. Then I get out of that and think a little about hell (although that is subsiding a bit). Then I feel extremely anxious about the thought of getting through this only to return to this again at some point. Then I get anxious about this not shifting. Then back to jail. Then I reach a point by the evening where I realise this is all the OCD and can relax and feel a bit more like myself. Sleep, repeat. Cannot wait for this to end!

That is amazing - thank you for sharing that! I hope you never have to return to this post!

Thanks everyone - wish I had you all in my head rather than my own voice @bluegas, I completely get what you are saying about CBT. I feel the same but am so happy to know it has helped others. @snowbear, thank you for your encouragement. The session effectively involves you thinking about what is bothering you and really getting into that feeling. The therapist will then rapidly - very rapidly - get you to freeze that image and make you think of a preferred response and a future memory. They do this over and over and it may sound strange but you can feel your brain reacting to it. It definitely reduced my anxiety on a particular thought but still too early to say after one session. They claim for OCD you need a level 2 therapist and it can take longer - some claim that one or two sessions help with simple phobias. OCD could obviously take longer. If it works, I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. NHS has done a study on it with really positive results. But CBT remains the recommended treatment for OCD. I will keep everyone posted.

Firstly, @carolinevtn and @JackieAM, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. It really is so frustrating that we have to go through this. I have to keep reminding myself that it is the OCD and nothing else but sometimes you lose faith in that. Keep strong! @snowbear- thank you for your reply. I completely understand where you are coming from - my issue is I have done CBT so many times before and I find myself back in this situation. BWRT is not CBT and is a very different approach to this. I am not claiming it is successful as clearly it hasn't worked for me yet (although only after one session). I just wanted to give it a go as the research that I did were really compelling. My first session was this week and it was really interesting - think of hypnosis without having to get in a hypnotic state. It 'works' on the premise that our neurones have created unhelpful links in establishing a thought with an anxiety - the therapy aims to change that pathway so that you don't even get to that point of anxiety leading to a confession. After my session, I felt exhausted but it felt positive. It will take more than one session but I am willing to give it a go. If that doesn't work then at least my increased medication will provide some relief, and I will definitely go back to CBT. Just to say I am not for one minute saying that CBT does not work nor would I ever discourage anyone from using it. Just from my experience, it has not given me the lasting effect I am needing. Nevertheless, I appreciate any reply to this post so genuinely thank you!

Thank you bluegas, it’s just nice to hear it from others. We will all get there one day!

Thank you so much Anthony, I love the idea of a stop sign so will definitely try it.

I completely understand. I too am riddled with the same thing - primarily because of masturbation. I have gotten over it in the past but am currently really struggling. You are not alone! sorry I can’t give you a fix but just know that at least one other person knows how you feel.

Hi All, I have never posted to one of these forums but not sure what I am hoping to get out of this but I just feel that I have to send something to people who can understand / offer some advice. Or hopefully it may even help someone! Sorry but here comes quite a long life story! I was diagnosed with OCD in 2012 when I was completely ridden with fear that something would happen to my girlfriend (now wife). It destroyed me and we ended up pulling out of buying a house at the time. I didn't know what to make of it but the feelings started to disappear and I undertook my first round of CBT (although it was months after the episode). Then in 2015, I was completely knocked in a bad way. I was on holiday with my wife and I started thinking about going to this strip club on my stag do and how I was not proud of my behaviour that night. It caused me to have this huge confession to my wife (a symptom I now know is a big part of my OCD - the need to confess) - she was clearly upset by the whole thing but being the incredible person she is, she forgave me. The episode evolved rapidly and I have found that as soon as I confess one thing, more and more things start appearing until you stop yourself. I didn't know this at the time and it was causing me to confess absolutely everything - even if I had a thought about a particular feature of hers that I did not think looked great at that time. It really destroyed her and I was devastated that I could have done that to the person I love the most. We had a small child at the time and I couldn't even bring myself to look after him. This was the first time I went on Citalopram (20mg per day). After about 2 - 3 weeks and making sure that I got back into work, I started to feel much better and could start moving forward. Again I completed my CBT and after a while came off the Citalopram feeling much better. Then came 2018. My anxiety had been building for some time as I became convinced that I had early on-set dementia. Another episode, I had this very vivid dream where my best friend told me that I had done wrong to this girl we knew when I was about 21 (10 years earlier). This completely set me off and I started worrying about all the things I had done wrong sexually. These are things I am not proud of at all but some people would just ignore as part of growing up. There were 3 incidents where I felt that I had been a bit of a d*ck to a girl and 1 in particular that really bothers me. When I was 21, I was in Manchester and I was taking a lot of recreational drugs. I ended up getting with this American girl we knew, and when we went back to a friend's house after the club, we went upstairs. I blocked the door with a dresser as there was no lock on the door and we started 'moving forward.' As we did, she said to me that she was not sure that we should do it and maybe we should wait until next time when we weren't so messed up. At the time, I thought this was a genuine question and just said - no, it will be fine. We carried on and were shortly interrupted by a friend. I was embarrassed so never addressed it with her. She even came to see me at university a month later but we barely spoke. About a month after that, she sent me this long message basically saying - how could you do that, I told you in several ways that I did not want to have sex, I did not want it to just be about sex as I really liked you and now I feel used and disgusting. At the time, I thought this was a massive overreaction and was very insensitive to her feelings. I replied with quite a matter of fact - stop worrying about it, it happened and it's fine. There is a reason I have gone into so much detail here. It was at this time, that another memory came into mind that really bothered me. I was a teenager with really low self-esteem due to my weight. Girls were never that into me and while all my friends were getting girlfriends, I was just the fat, funny, nice one. This led me to masturbate quite a lot and because I had this thought that porn was wrong, I used to masturbate over people I knew. This could range from friends to teachers, and very regrettably family members. The latter is a particularly difficult one. I came to think that the only way I could get through this was to confess to my Mum about what I had done. Luckily my wife calmed me down. Back on the citalopram and CBT. After a couple of weeks, I started to feel myself again. Again I came off the citalopram and then Christmas 2020 hit. I started back on the citalopram again as I was having quite distressing thoughts that I might be a paedophile (I can assure you that is not the case), and then I got COVID. This hit me like a freight train. I was an absolute wreck for about 2 - 3 weeks. I couldn't do a thing and was having the same concerns as last time - in particular the masturbation. This convinced me I was going to hell and I became consumed with fear. My wife, as always, was supportive and despite having COVID - she managed everything from the kids to the house to her husband. She really is incredible. I made the decision to stay on citalopram now as I undertook a more robust form of CBT and for longer. My thought process was if I stay on the citalopram then I won't have another setback because I really could not handle another one. And now to the current day! It has happened again. I can't believe it, I am so distraught. I stayed on the citalopram and it has hit me again. This has been the worst one - it has been 5 weeks of despair now. I am consumed with the same worries as before and the thought of going to hell overrides it all. I tried up CBT again but stopped it as I have had enough of that not working. This week I started BWRT (brain working recursive therapy) - there is definitely something there and after one session, I do feel different but unfortunately not cured. I will stick with it as the research is so compelling. I have been avoiding upping my dose of citalopram to 30mg per day as recommended by the doctors as I just felt that this was not the long-term solution and I wanted to beat this in other ways. But sure enough, I have now decided to up my dosage from tonight as I need this to pass. I am constantly consumed with fears of needing to confess about masturbating, turning myself into police for potential rape and worries of going to hell. I have always tried to be a good person and treat others well but this is getting too much. I just can't keep going in these 2 to 3 year cycles of breakdowns. I need help because everything I have tried until now is just not working for me - and I just have to hope and pray that I do not go to hell one day! Sorry I know that was a lot but when you start you just can't stop!