Myownworstenemy

Thank you. At my worst before his death I was checking to see if I'd put deodorant on etc. Then checking again, it was only ever silly stuff like this. Also if I'd put conditioner in my hair, so I'd do it again but then freak as to why I couldn't remember. So I wasn't sure if that was just health anxiety or actually ocd. I think it falls into ocd as in the checking is done to try and bring down the anxiety. I would often seek reassurance from others if they'd switched a light on or off etc. If they would say no I'd freak out as I couldn't ever remember doing it. lots of people tell me we all do stuff like this, often on autopilot so we don't realise, however, due to me now paying everything lots of attention, I'm more aware of the mistakes I'm making.

So I keep worrying I have something wrong with my memory. This has been going on about 1.5 years. It started off over something silly like buying duplicate items whilst shopping and not realising until I got home. I became fixated on it. Then I couldn't remember blowing candles out, turning the heating on or off and making or drinking cups of tea. Etc. The list goes on. it seemed that the more fixated I become, the more mistakes I made. I went to the drs they took bloods, which came back normal and then put me on the waiting list for therapy. My husband ended his life in-between all this, so my memory issues took a backseat to grief. its 7 months on from losing my husband. I've recently been diagnosed with OCD but I do have anxiety also. Just lately I can feel myself becoming fixated on my memory again. I went to my mums and she had this weird Russian, war poster, I'd never seen it before in my life. The packaging it was in had my name and address on. I literally had never seen this item before. My mum isn't sure why it's at her house but claims it must be mine due to my name being on it. She said it's been there years in the spare bedroom. Rationally I think it might have been my box but my mum had just put this item in it, my husband when he was alive might have taken it there, as a mistake etc etc. It just freaks me out when stuff doesn't have an explanation. My mum is 82 so her memory isn't great. I've also lost a tool bag recently. I'm sure I put it in the shed but it's nowhere to be found. I keep thinking " say I've done something with it and forgotten?" It's causing great anxiety as I keep thinking I could have a weird young onset dementia. I'm only 38 but still.

Thanks. He did initially say that he didn't think I'd be able to just stop compulsions because of how long I've had OCD with no treatment. I was just disappointed as I'd had such a good week I really felt like I was making progress. I was also worried it would undo the work I'd done. Hopefully I can note where I've gone wrong so in the future I'll be better prepared.

I've only been having therapy for about 5 weeks or so. Yesterday my therapist said he was really pleased with my progress. Basically I started obsessing that I may have been spiked recently on a night out due to being triggered by someone suggesting that I may have. I did my evidence for and against, talked it all through with my therapist and he said excellent. He was so impressed. Today a old topic came up, because I wasn't overly anxious about it, it didn't feel like I was doing a compulsion. I googled other people on Reddit who have done similar stuff, I guess to get reassurance it wasn't that bad, or I'm not alone. I realise now I've failed. What happens now? Do I take it as a minor set back? Try harder to not allow it to happen again? It did provide temporary reassurance. So I'm just waiting now for it to come back. Before I googled I did try to apply to the evidence before and against for this topic but it didn't really help.

Thank you. This has helped so much.

Can OCD actually cause the wrong feelings though? To make you question yourself. I know they can with groinal responses.

I think what you've just said is what my therapist was saying the other day. He said it's how I'm adding meaning to events that's the problem. Even if I did get a wrong feeling to an event, if I ignored it, rather than labelled it as something being wrong with me and paid it no attention, it would just go. I think these past events have now made me check my emotions to accidents etc. like with my daughter. Straight away as soon as she trapped her fingers, my head was checking incase I'm acting accordingly. Or then wondering why I didn't get the empathy. I just hate it all so much. he has told me to really get to know my ocd though, so maybe if I note it I won't be as alarmed if stuff happens in future.

My therapist told me the other day that everyone is different. Exposure doesn't work for everyone. I managed to get rid of the anxiety but it turned into guilt. I was then trying to get rid of that feeling by confessing. I asked hypothetically when should someone confess? He said to examine my reasons to confess. If I'm doing it to get rid of any kind of feeling don't do it. If it's a moral thing that you think the other person should know then yes. All of mine if I was truthful was to make myself feel better. I also didn't think not confessing was working. He said "how did I know?" I explained that the guilt and shame was still there, he told me that I'm not measuring levels as to the extent of my feelings. So they may have come down, but I'm just viewing them all as still there. this week he has me keeping a mood diary as to if I'm stronger than my ocd v if it's stronger than me. He said I'll begin to see how it changes. Like when you said you managed to go to work etc. He said that's good, you are winning even if you don't feel like it.

Thanks both. I think I've started checking my emotions. so when accidents happen etc. Instead of it being a automatic response, I think I'm checking to see how i feel, which has interrupted the normal emotion (if that makes sense?) that's what it feels like anyway. years ago I had false feelings, if I heard bad news like war etc on tv, I'd get like a warm excited feeling. Then my brain would go, "why did you get a excited feeling? You must be evil" etc. my therapist said OCD can cause false feelings. He asked me how I usually feel about war etc and I said bad, or I'd usually cry. To test myself back then I'd look at photos of children who were dying on Instagram to check how I felt, but I didn't get an excited feeling, nor did I feel sad. I actually felt nothing. Not sure if it's because I was testing myself. This made me feel awful for ages.

@Lewis96 mine is very similar. It's the hypothetical of what if this hadn't happened and it went further or I did more. What if I removed clothes but can't remember. Mine is childhood too. My therapist told me the other day kids put willies in hoovers and in American pie, he tried to have sex with the apple pie: kids are weird. This made me feel a bit better but I must have taken it as reassurance as it was short lived. When I got to the gym my head started saying "you've down played it to the therapist, that's why he wasn't alarmed" you're sick etc etc. All bad thoughts. telling yourself you are sick, weird etc I don't find has helped me, it just makes me feel more depressed. My therapist said somethings work well for others but not for some. I've tried recognising it's the ocd I'm fighting against and not what I did. It's my reaction to it that's the problem, not the act. My therapist said some people do worse stuff but don't feel bad or if they do it's short lived. We are actually more normal, kind etc than most as we worry excessively about being odd/ bad. also don't know if it's right but I've started to say "but it didn't happen and go further, thank god" as a child I may have thought it was funny or wanted to etc. But as a fully grown adult I know it's not what i believe is ok. That means we've grown.

@Charley thanks I'll have to try this. What about if it's stuff you could have done but due to circumstances didnt. Like I worry I could have hurt someone in the past etc, if certain things didn't happen to prevent it. Does this make sense? Is this still hypothetical?

I've been doing better lately, trying to not engage with compulsions etc. My therapist said I'm making improvements but told me to really get to know my ocd. today my 4 year old trapped her fingers in the door, instead of feeling empathy etc, my first reaction was to question whether I felt empathy or I'm not sure if it was an intrusive thought but it was "why aren't you feeling normal mum empathy" basically I reacted not automatically to it but checking my emotions to how I responded. part of me thinks it's another way now ocd is trying to come in. I worry a lot whether I'm a good person by past actions I may have said or done. So now I'm confused by it all. I love my daughter to bits. I don't know if it's because I applied meaning to it straight away, as to why I wasn't overly upset by her doing it. If that makes sense? It's very confusing. Either this is ocd again or I have something else seriously wrong with me.

Ahh ok this makes sense. Well my therapist told me he had no faith in me going cold turkey cutting my compulsions to zero due to the amount of time I've had OCD, it started off well but I found myself googling at one point but it wasn't done in desperation, I was just curious then I couldn't get off. So it's sneaky like that. plus apparently rumination is a compulsion and I can't seem to stop that as I always thought it was just thoughts. I'm trying to allow them just to be in the background.

That's what I've done, although I have on occasion tried to rationalise my thoughts. Then stopped myself doing it as soon as I realised and told myself something awful just to rebalance it!

I imagined that after the anxiety reduced the obsession would go away, that's not what I've experienced. Plus it leaves me feeling depressed as you're basically going with the fact you're thoughts could be true. However, if you're saying this is normal and in time it will improve the situation, I'll keep at it. I think we'd all like a quick fix wouldn't we?