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mattphillips78

Bulletin Board User
  • Posts

    96
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About mattphillips78

  • Birthday 20/01/1978

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Pure OCD - Confessions/Relationship

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Greater London
  • Interests
    Reading, running, history, American Football, Football, walking, music, learning French and the guitar
  1. Hi Everyone, I hope you are all well and beating this horrible condition and defeating it and coping ok despite the craziness going on around us at this time. I have been living with OCD since an early age (I'm now 42). My 10 year old daughter has suffered with anxiety since a very early age and has had one or two sessions with the local CAMHS team and is on the waiting list for a further session. However my blood has run cold in the last week when it became apparent that she is showing signs of the very type of OCD I have suffered with in that she is constantly confessing any small thought, innocent action to us and spends a portion of her free time outside school weeping and getting very upset. She is caught in that vicious circle many of us are familiar with but I don't have a clue how to address it or help her at her age and I want her to always be able to talk to her Mum and Dad when she is feeling distressed or worried. But I also know from my own CBT that it just feeds the cycle. It's such a hard balance and we have gone back to telling her to tell us her worries. Thank you for any help or experience you have with this. We are feeling very helpless as parents and seeing her so upset is hard to take. All the very best, Matthew
  2. Hi Ashley, Thank you so much for your very kind reply and powerful advice - I've felt alone with it and realised that I have to get involved in thee forums again not only for my own advice but to help others too. That's great, I will make a concerted effort to keep distracted and keep busy (I tried that too much as is the way for perfectionists like me and paid for it when could hardly breathe at end of the day, not helped by the anxiety lumped onto my chest on top of my infection and asthma). I've never been a patient person so this feeds into my OCD and when I'm unwill as I am now, that really helps to hear that advice about taking a day at a time. I am always in a rush to get better and end up depressed in mornings when I feel much the same. But I will focus on not testing myself and like the illnesses of my past will just fade and I'll forget about it. I just put too much pressure on myself to be the normal, active me, forget what I cant do and focus on what I can - catastrophising thoughts and rumination that I'll always have to struggle for each breath have been scary but I've made an effort to accept them and not reason with them or debate them. Thanks again Ashley and hope you can have some better nights' sleep soon. Matthew
  3. Hi Everyone and I hope you are all well. Whenever I get unwell (currently have a very sore upper respiratory tract/chest causing me to have bad asthma last 7 days) I get locked into a depressive merry-go round . I will always be unwell .I won't ever be able to breathe properly again .I am going to die and wont see my family and young children again .I can never do the things I enjoy again Rather than just taking my inhalers and treating the symptoms of a very tight chest at points during the day, I cannot take the focus off my breathing. I am blessed with two 9 year old daughters and their smiles, fun and business that goes with us being home does take my attention away, but even then I'm, very coscious of my breathing, worrying about my breathing getting worse later, mentally testing my symptoms that feed into my self prognosis that I wont ever be healthy again. I've been through the same anxiety through 2 week long headache spells, stomach ache periods so it isn't unusual for me. My wife is fantastic and has supported me throughout my OCD treatment over the years and she said 'you know this wont last forever don't you' - intellectually I think I know this but cant feel it. How do I see the bigger picture that all will be ok IN TIME, not to keep testing my current condition each second and to try and not be aware of every breath? I find my asthma with this sore chest worst in the evenings and even when doing OK during the day I start to fear breathing difficulties and feel it worsening, so too does my fear and anxiety. I always feel scared of it in the evenings and over obsess about it. Then the rumination and catastrophic thinking comes in. I am sorry, I know this is a lot but wondered if anyone else has had or have experience of this way of thinking? Strangely enough it isn't triggered by the Covid-19 and I'm not worried about getting it. It seems a trend that puts the brakes on my life every few months and want to be able to see some perspective. Thank you so much and if I can help you in your daily battles, please feel free to ask - i think I've experienced almost all of the OCD types over my life! Keep Smiling! Matthew
  4. Hi Guys! Sorry for the delay, but just want to say a big thank you for your powerful and really helpful words and advice. Luckily I am a member of my relevant trade union and they really do care, even if my employer unrealistically expects of me never to take a day off work with my condition. I'm going to try and help myself and be the provider for my family by sticking it out and getting myself to work no matter how bad I feel - it's going to be horrible sometimes but I need to break this cycle of going off sick every few weeks and then getting stressed about what work will say, whether have a job to go back to etc etc. That bit I can control. But as you know the wall OCD puts up in front of us when we know we need to be somewhere is damn scary and upsetting at times. I've climbed that wall and defeated it before but seem scared to take it on this time. Im going to do it for the sake of my family and give them something back for all the support they give me. Here goes....! Thank you once again to you both Best Wishes, Matt
  5. Hi Everyone, As a fellow OCD sufferer, I just wanted to know what experiences people have with their condition at work and it leading to taking time off. Every few weeks or so I end up taking time off work (usually 1-2 days) due to my condition, and as a result I am well advanced on the company's attendance procedure. My manager refuses to understand my condition and passes it off as a fad, a triviality that perhaps I have the Monday morning blues! I'm in a vicious circle with work - I keep being placed higher on sickness procedure at work, but every few weeks I am struck by overwhelming affects of OCD and don't and can't leave the house, leading me to call in sick. I really want to clean up my sick record, but it feels when it comes to my employer I am in a no win situation with a life long disability such as this. I hope you are all well today and thanks for reading! Matthew
  6. Hi Everyone, I hope you are all having a good day and are feeling good about yourselves and beating this monster. I've been more or less well now for 6 months with my OCD, but this morning my mind cottoned onto the fact that I had been singing a chorus to a song I really like and now I can't take my attention away from it going round and round in my mind - I first had this when I was 16, then my OCD morphed onto breathing, blinking etc etc. I have that same panicky, depressed feeling today that I had back then and have largely not experienced for 6 months. It seems the OCD has latched onto this and I'm scared to be honest, I'm trying to apply the 'let it just be there' approach and to not fight it, but my mind won't let me rest today. It's that horrible deep, depressing feeling in the pit of my stomach feeling because of this I thought I wouldn't get again, but it's back - I really didn't see this coming and this area of my OCD to rear it's ugly head again. I'm scared to death that I won't ever have peace from this song in my head. Has anyone else experienced this - I know everyone at times has a song stuck in their mind, but I know it's the OCD that has latched onto this - what did you find worked best for you to overcome it/redirect your attention away from it. I've tried to keep busy, but I feel mentally that I'm pulling a heavy weight behind me. Thank you again, Best Wishes, Matthew
  7. Hi Everyone, Thank you all so much for your kind advice and articles, you really are special people. I'm going to go back onto a smal dose of Sertreline, although initially I enjoyed feeling like my old self again, I can't handle the searing lows that I get for much of the day (until feeling much better in the evening). I don't think I have the energy to keep building up my defences each day from scratch, so I'm going to ask for reinforcements!! 50mg used to really help me and wished I hadn't agreed to upping them, as the small dose was enough for me. It's just too much to take on to beta this without the help meds give us. Best Wishes, Matthew
  8. Hi Joanne, thank you for your kind advice, I think, as you say, it would be for the best to go back onto meds. I was put on a low dose of sertreline when I was first diagnosed 6 yrs ago and when I thnk back to that time, I was happy and could beat this OCD monster. After that time and during further treatment, m dosage was increased up to 150mg and it just made me really tired and anxious and that's why I decided to come off them. Initially I felt really relaxed and a new person but my OCD has come back in a bad way of late and those initial benefits I am no longer enjoying. Looking back 50mg was perfect for me and as I say I was happy and lived life to the full. It feels a shame to go back on them and being a perfectionist I feel a it of a failure. but my wife said to me that it isn't failure to ask for a little bit of help and I certainly can't go on feeling this low, and this being on a weekend when traditionally my mood is much better. Thanks again, Matt
  9. Hi Everyone, I hope you are all well today. I managed to come off Sertreline about 10 wks ago and felt really ready for it at the time and was really proud of myself for doing it, but the last 3 weeks have been hellish, beginning with the confession ritual cycle and since the OCD had been morphing into other areas including relationship OCD which is what is killing me inside at this moment. It feels as if OCD has come back into my life and I am having a relapse. I've been employing the techniques I've learnt from CBT and using the forum, but for large parts of each day I feel really anxious and depressed. I feel like crying most of the time. I usually wake up very low and it takes me the best part of the day, while doing my anti OCD tasks, to feel well in the evenings, but I am now just so tired and worn out going through this day after day. I know in the long term it will probably get better but I'm not sure how many more days of this I can take. The benefits have been huge since coming off mess and I spent a whole week putting up with the severe withdrawal symptoms when I first came off meds. I feel I need to get back to taking a low dose just to raise my mood levels to help my therapy work again and boost my mood, but I worked so hard to get off them I feel sad to be wanting to go back on them again. I just don't know if I can face feeling so depressed each morning, especially when I am at work and of course on Sundays when I am due back t work tomorrow. It takes so much effort to alleviate my mood and I'm getting very tired. Sorry I know is a long post but has anyone had any experience of this? Thank you for reading and best wishes, Matthew
  10. Hi Leighbee, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I hav had this many times, in fact I felt awful this morning trying to fight with this OCD. I went to bed happy, unfortunately because I confessed, but I was determined to never confess again. I woke up and my mind was raw and went straighten to reviewing every part of my confession and I was screaming at it in my mind and I gt stuck in both the changing room and in the staff room, trying to answer the new questions OCD set me. I felt so ill and deeply depressed. Somehow I got this urge to stand up and say I've had enough and to slam the door shut in the face of OCD too. Just remember the invaluable advice you gave me yesterday, tht shows me you are so much stronger than your condition. Durin these times I feel as if I will never b happier or well again, but having got up and did something with an external focus I slowly got my strength back and after a while I had more clarity and could feel who the real me was. I've tried to go back and answer those doubts since, but I'm going to accept this feeling and focus on he outside world, and I know you can do this too. Getting help makes you a bigger person, I've asked today for booster therapy sessions, it's who we are, we need our minds to be fixed and topped up every now and then because we have a disability, it sn't a backwards step, it's ongoing maintenance. Heck we wrk so hard overcoming this you are due a break. The main thing is your health. Don't panic at his, see it as part of the journey, there will be many more good times than bad. We are all here to help, Good Luck, Matt
  11. Thanks Ashley, that's great, no problem will get this done tonight and get it back to you. Best Wishes, Matt
  12. Hi Ashley, I'd love to run this for OCD UK and to raise some money! I live in London, so easy to get to, have done this run before and it is a lot of fun! If you'll have me of course! Everyone on the forums have been so good to me over the years and helped me no end, and would love to give something back and will be able to raise a good amount,me know some generous people wh always help us out! Just let me know, thanks and best wishes, Matt
  13. Hi Everyone, Thank you again for your kind words, I have accepted now the I did confess, but my mind keeps maki me doubt the content of my confessin about the above and whether I included all the details, such as whether I mentioned the live screen on the side, or the ones behind the main page or the ones that pop up. I know I did but can't be sure. I also said to her that I have looked at these live videos and enjoyed them. She said that it is fine and to her porn is porn and that I am making the distinction and I have not been unfaithful or let her or the children down and that it is my high standards that I have set myself and this let myself down. I also asked her that when seeing a live screen, which had 2 women looking out to viewers, and where Inhad the thought, 'Iwonder if they can see me doing the business'and getting an excited feeling, whether that was normal, and she said yes. But I've also panicked that I didn't mention that I felt excited at this, I'm sure I did include this but mentally reviewing I can't remember it clearly. I know this sounds silly, because my wife said that these live screens are fine, they are just porn and anyway I would have to log in to them , that they can't see me without clicking accept and that they don't have control of my web cam. Should I keep asking myself these questions, I have managed to hold off after a pretty horrific morning of searching my mind. I almost confessed again and I am getting very scared that I am going to be stuck in this confession circle, it seems never ending and although I know to not keep going over it I feel I have left details out and am hiding things from my wife and I feel very dishonest and an awful person. My therapist said to not engage, to hold off and resist confessing, and to engage with my family, engage in activities and external activities and accept the guilt, but I feel when I do that that I am hiding away a secret and that makes me feel awful. It's my daughters birthday party tomorrow and I feel like I am hiding this big secret from my wife and children and I'm not the person they think I am. Thanks again in advance of your help Best Wishes, Matt
  14. Hi Everyone, thank you for your kind advice, it really means a lot. It's good, if that is the right thing to say, that there are other people out there going through the same thing as me, it really does feel sometimes that you are the only one. I have spent too much time away from the forums and will definitely get back into it now as part of my own therapy. If I can help any of you guys anytime please just let me know. Best Wishes, Matt
  15. Hi Leighbee, Wow, reading your post sounded just like the problems I have with my OCD. I managed to successfully stop confessing for a year and a half and having taken my foot off the gas in beating this I have had to confess twice and just can't stop in the last few days. My problem is the same as yours in that I can normalise and ignore thoughts, but when it involves and action and something I have actually done, I find it almost impossible to ignore. But you should definitely continue to refocus away from it onto things that you need to do today, engage in activities that you know will move your mind away from the OCD and keep busy that way your anxiety will fade and you will have a clearer mind and will naturally feel that you have done nothing wrong, but you won't get to that stage unless you hit it head on and live life and get involved in the day, this ignoring it. Hope this helps, I know how you must be feeling right now, because I feel very much the same. Best Wishes and good luck Matthew
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