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Iolana

OCD-UK Member
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About Iolana

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  1. Thank you for you reply. I'm trying hard to focus on things I love like reading and art and craft but like you said when you're scared/anxious you're concentration goes out the window. Some how I'm trying to take it a day at a time and sometimes just and hour at a time.
  2. I'm glad you're doing a bit better and I hope it keeps going in this direction for you. Before this tickly cough/throat thing I had a tension headache for 3 and half weeks, so I spent all my energy worrying it was something serious, as soon as that went I had one whole day feeling pain free then that night my throat felt tickly and I felt the urge to cough. Day four and I've got this stupid tickle in the back of my throat, not sore, not itchy just there and now I'm counting every time I cough. I am checking seeking reassurance a lot; I even found a few articles that explained what continuous coughing meant but there so many contradicting symptoms it's scary to keep track off and what to believe. I'm scared of feeling responsible for everything and anything....I just wish I could sleep all day and every day (especially since I don't need to cough when I sleep). I'm down and fed up because of the sick feeling (worry) in my stomach and I'm tired of being scared....
  3. Polarbear I know you're right, deep down, I know just wish I could let go of this feeling of being responsible for everything and anything. It gets tiring. Thanks for the reply.
  4. Hey folks, I've always had health anxiety, so any little ache and pain is something serious, off I go to my family to seek reassurance...feel better, repeat wash... With this damn Covid-19, I've been through so many symptoms because I'm not scared to get ill per say but I'm scared to get other people ill. I've had a tickly throat the past three days, feels the urge to cough, so I cough once, but it doesn't help but because I'm so scared to cough I can hold it in for hours. I'm sleeping through the night perfectly fine and when I wake up I'm fine for an hour so....parents and brother keep telling me it's not classed as a continuous cough but I keep looking up definitions to what continuous means. Here's the thing, I'm checking for reassurance all over the internet and family but I'm also worried I'm ignoring what could be a real symptom and I'm burying my head in the sand, trying to convince my self it's just my anxiety creating issues. I personally wont be leaving the house any way (I've only gone out 3 times since lock-down ) but my mum and dad don't believe I'm ill (they think it's hay fever) so will still be shopping. So, I'm feeling guilty for not taking it serious enough, feeling guilty my family don't think I'm ill, feeling guilty and worried hundreds of people will get ill and it's all my fault for pretending I'm actually fine. I've discussed it with my family over and over again and we all agree to self isolate for those 2-3 weeks but here I am with a small tickly cough and I'm not putting my foot down, I'm a grown woman I should be enforcing the lock-down. I feel like a mass murderer..... I know I'm responsible for my actions but how do I take on other peoples actions? Why do I feel I have to be responsible for everything they do? I'm so tired of all this, every day for weeks I've been worried and scared, I'm just really fed up. I want it over, I say I can't take it any more and then another day..... I'm so sorry this isn't even prob about OCD, I'm just weepy and down and want to stop being so scared and anxious. I'm sorry
  5. Just wanted to thank you Tricia. I spoke to the lovely peeps involved with the itv documentary because I really wanted them to get across how painful and tormenting ocd can be. Even though I'm in a good place with coping with my ocd, I didn't feel confident getting involved with the documentary... I'm just not as brave as you! So thank you so much for taking that step in not only sharing your experiences with other people with ocd but also with people lacking in the knowledge of how horrifying this illness is. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with some people's negative comments, please, please ignore them. You're helping so many people with your bravery. Lots of hugs and best wishes Ally xxxxxxx
  6. I'm sorry today was tough for you. I can only talk from experience but my parents were desperate to know what was wrong with me and were relieved when I finally admitted my troubles, so that they could get me better. You made a big step to go to the doctors, you're still working, it really shows you've got some strength to push through all of this but you need some support to figure out how to cope with these distressing thoughts. Talking to your mum is a good step to take, I know it's terrifying believe me I do and I wish I could say the words for you but it has to come from you. I hope things get better for you soon ellen, say strong. Mandy xxx
  7. You didn't fail, believe me you didn't. It's hard to get those words out, finally tell someone out loud what's happening but you can do it, you're doing it right now. You're mum obviously knows you're distressed about something but can't help you until you talk to her. It's terrifying I know but you don't have to go into great detail at first, this step is to let your family know you need some help and support. If you're finding it difficult to talk to your mum maybe you could sit down with her and show her you post on this forum? I went through this situation ten years ago (i'm thirty and feel so old) but I didn't know I had ocd back then, just thought I was a horrible/crazy person to be having these nasty thoughts about hurting people but I manged to tell my mum one day after uni and the world got a little bit brighter. Please don't suffer in silence any longer, you don't deserve to. Mandy lots more hugs xxxx
  8. Hi ellenz, I'm so sorry you're going through this but incredibly impressed that you managed to post tonight. It takes real courage to reach out and tell someone but you took that first step so be proud. I know you couldn't talk to your doctor about your worries but you actually went to the doctors which really shows you've got some real strength to get the help you deserve and need. Maybe you could take another brave step and talk to your mum. I know it's hard and scary, I kept my fears secret for a whole year worried what my parents would think but in the end it was the right thing to do, so that I could get the help that I needed. It's painful right now, you're literally in the eye of the storm but there are people out there waiting and wanting to help you. So please don't keep all of this bottled up, talk to your mum, go back to your doctor. If I could wave a magic wand and wish this all away for you, believe me I would but this is something you're going to have to fight and to do that you need to seek out that help. Don't suffer in silence any longer you truly don't deserve to. Take Care of yourself. Sending u lots of hugs. Mandy xxx
  9. Thank you Sarah for the reply. Hopefully this experience does make me stronger! Take care, Mandy
  10. Just thought I'd tell you brave ocd souls about the past week. I have Pure O, been battling for ten years (my story was in the last ocd mag). One of the things that I've feared (other then intrusive thoughts about hurting kids) is writing or saying nasty horrible things to people, especially famous people. At one point in my life, I couldn't use the internet without someone sitting next to me, then I couldn't go on the computer without a piece of paper covering the keyboard (so that I couldn't type horrible things), I also use to write down what sites and what I was doing every half a minute on pieces of paper, it was so tiring... Any way I'm better with the internet fears (I'm on the net on my own, typing this right now!), so I did something I couldn't imagine doing all those years a go. I have a real soft spot for the lovely singer/actor/writer called Chris Colfer of Glee fame, yes I'm thirty but I'm a bit of fan girl. Recently a book made by fans was created to to be given to him in celebration of his own book being published. So without worry (well I worried a bit) I sent off a letter/email telling him a bit about my ocd and depression and how much his singing and humour cheers me up. Once I checked it a couple of times and once I hit send the only worry I had was that it wouldn't get printed, mostly I was kind of silly -fan- girling- like- excited that I could have one little connection to someone I admire (if that makes sense). Three weeks later I found out my letter had been printed...one hour later I was sobbing my heart out and self harming. Yes an edit mistake by someone or some computer hitch was made, not a spelling mistake which would have just looked messy, or a missing word which would have looked confusing, no, one missing letter changed the whole meaning of the sentence. Instead of critising my laughter the sentence came out calling Chris's laughter "embarrissingly loud". Which makes it worst is that he was bullied badly for his high pitched voice growing up, even now... so the edit mistake made me feel like I'd hurt him terribly. I cried, I scratched my arm, I went hysterical. I was angry that something (what I thought would be a small achievement) turned into something messy and horrible. I'm here in the UK, he's in America some where, I had a fleeting thought of jumping on a plane to find him, to explain that it was just a mistake, that it wasn't my words, that I was terribly upset and sorry...but even in the bad state I was in I knew that was a ridiculous thought. I wrote to the person who put the fan book together to explain (never received a reply) managed some how to join livejournal and join a fan community people who have met chris, and interrupted a post to explain my freak out and fears. I received some lovely replies telling me not to worry that it was just a mistake and not even mine! Their kindess and understanding was wonderful, and yes I was seeking out reassurance but I can't go to the source, never will be able to, so I needed to reach out to the fans who would also be reading the fan book. It's been a week, I still feel horrible but I'm still here and this is why...even in my sobbing state I have to be honest though, in the back of my head I was laughing hysterically. Only a person with an ocd fear of sending nasty emails or posting horrible things to famous people would end up having their first letter badly edited to make a compliment look like a slight insult! I'm not saying I'm cured of this fear, that I'm not worried, what I will say is that I can look upon it as a little lesson. I tried so hard to get my letter right/perfect/not insulting in any way because OCD wants me to have control of every little thing, it want's me to be perfect, to do things perfectly so that nothing bad can happen. I've tried so hard to keep to that rule forgetting something more important; no matter how strong OCD is we can not control people around us from making mistakes. As one Chris Colfer fan reminded me "No one is perfect and it is our imperfections that make us the individuals that we are." Take care all of you, keep on fighting. Lots of Luv Mandy xxx
  11. Thanks for replying. When I finished the CBT in 2010 they signed me off their services because I was okay, I am going to see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm not sure what else to do.
  12. I feel terrible coming back here especially as I haven't been on here for years, like I'm wasting all of your time, so I'm sorry. I've managed so well having finished my therapy just under two years ago and I thought I'd never hit a bad patch again but I have and I'm really scared. I've use to fear about images of nasty sick things popping into my head, about hurting kids killing people but I'm able to cope with them because I can tell myself they're just make believe, just thoughts. It's what I call real things or solid things I can't cope with. My therapist told me that I can't question the past because you can never find answers, be certain about what's the truth or not but I keep questioning over and over again. I read fan fiction about tv shows, when I was early twenties, eight years a go I use to read fiction from the net about famous actors musicians or footballers. I only read a few but I liked to read about my favorite people in relationships with their team mates or band members. I only read about my favorite characters from tv shows now a days and over the years I've read thousands and thousands but I question if that football story was about the footballer being a little kid with an older footballer. I question if the police will find that I read that story and arrest me, I question why I would read such a story when I know over the years I just want to read about my favorite characters/ people not some sick young kiddie story. I know the musician story had the character being in a relationship with another band mate and having being abused as a kid but it had a story line. I never talked to my last therapist about real people fiction or the worry over how young the people in the story was because I've always questioned it but then able to reassure myself with, it was just a story just words and I love complex/sexy romantic/ stories not just some sort of peado nasty piece of writing. But what if I did read something evil, what does that mean about me? Every time I try to remember the story I feel sick in my stomach and it just reinforces that I'm a sick evil being. I did talk to my first therapist about the fiction and he told me it's just words, they're not real but I just can't stop feeling sick/guilty/worried. I don't want to be a pedophile, I don't want to be arrested, even though I want to confess to some police. I've confessed to my parents over and over again and they say it's just words nothing bad's going to happen but I feel sick, I can't eat and my body hurts. I can't stop feeling guilty/sick/worried. I can't do anything, I can't end it because I'm petrified of dying but I hate this living. How can I live with real things from the past it's not the same as real things that have happened? I was signed off from the therapist two years ago and my action plan that we wrote up isn't working. I'm so so sorry for coming here and wasting your time I'm just so low and tired and I hate myself so much.
  13. First off I want to apologise for posting again, more, I hate bothering all of you so much. My last post was about fearing I was responsible because I heard from my mum who heard about someone from a friend who’d been abused as a child. I panicked thinking I was now responsible for this abuser (even though he’s dead and it happened forty odd years a go). I then searched on this forum before my last post to see if anybody else had had the same experiences, only to enter a trigger mine field of my own making. Even though I’ve been on this sight for many years (I use to post on another ocd charity forum) I’d never come across people’s personal stories at what might have triggered their ocd, traumatic events such as child abuse for example. I now feel like I’m stuck in a dark deep hole, like I’m responsible for all the nasty child molesters out there, as though I’m privy to some secret information and must single handily go out and fight the world…some how round up all these paedophiles and get them arrested. It's just I don't know how to do that... I fell badly into the dark hole at the weekend and because this isn’t an image in my head i.e. thinking I’ve killed my family or questioning have I abused a child (which is my biggest fear) I can’t uses those examples in all my ocd books because they’re about thoughts and made up images in my head, what I’ve read has happened…it’s real events. For seven years now I’ve battled the fear that I am I child molester or I will become one. I’ve had two batches of CBT but this main issues ( I’ve had many other ones, like unable to leave the house or even in a room with a phone) has never really been tackled. I finished CBT last year and my psychologist left my file open for a year so that I could phone or contact him, that year was up this March so I can’t contact him. I have a wonderful family to talk to but this fear of responsibility, guilt, (which is making it hard to eat, really hard) stomach churning sickness won’t go away. I know if I watched a chat show or read a newspaper article about the horrible pasts people have had I wouldn’t feel like I needed to go and physically do something but reading the posts from the forum feels so different. For years I’ve fought the fear I will become my worst nightmare or am, I’ve never dealt with fearing I’m as bad a child molester because of doing nothing… I’m really sorry if I’ve upset anyone writing this or I shouldn’t have posted, please don’t get angry with me or maybe one of the moderators could delete this… the last time I felt so low was back in uni when I had my break down and was then diagnosed with ocd. I know I shouldn’t be bothering you again, I know I shouldn’t be posting this but I just don’t know what to do. I want to stop feeling so sick, so responsible, so guilty. :helpsmilie: Also sorry If I didn't title this properly, I'm really messing everything up right now.
  14. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or I’m wasting your time… For seven years I’ve had OCD mostly pure O, fears of killing people, setting fires, poisoning, everything and anything but the main one has always been the fear that I have abused kids or that I might. I’ve had two bouts of CBT and they dealt with many problems, including making it possible for me to leave the house on my own and even stay in certain rooms in my home on my own but the main one has never been tackled and now I wish it had. I’ve just had the biggest trigger that I’ve ever experienced and I haven’t felt this physically and mentally bad since I had my breakdown. Two days ago I got upset about something and sought out reassurance from my mum (I’m 26 still at home) in the conversation she tried to convince me that I’m not a child abuser because she knew the characteristics. That night it hit me what she said and my head went to the darkest of places. Next morning I broke down petrified (still am) she tried to explain to me, that she’d heard about someone from a friend who’d been sexually abused as a child in the 60’s/70’s and it was in the past and the abuser was dead… but I don’t believe it’s in the past. All I can think about right now is that there’s an abuser out there right now hurting kids and I’m not doing nothing to put a stop to it. This is finally the proof that I’m a bad, evil sick person worst then a paedophile because I’m not taking action. I’ve never had such solid proof before and I’m in such a scary dark place. Forget what I’ve been told, all I can think is that how do I really know he’s dead (so much uncertainty), I don’t know any details, what if the man isn’t dead? What if it gets back about me doing nothing, allowing all these kids to be hurt? (I tried searching for older posts on this forum, to find reassurance but all I found was more true stories about people who’d been abused. I now feel responsible for their heartaches and pasts now). My big brother, my mum they’ve tried to convince me, reassure me that I’m not bad that I need to let this go and file it away, that I’m not responsible but this is massive and I’m scared. How can I go about my life doing fun things when I need to be punished? I deserve to feel bad for knowing. I’m scared, sick to my stomach and I don’t know how to live/cope with this in my head and body. I’m so, so sorry for bothering all of you. I’m so petrified. Please help me out, please reply I feel so a lone, so bad. I’m fed up being this person, I hate myself so much.
  15. I hope someone out there could guide me in the right direction. I’m twenty-five and suffer from intrusive nasty thoughts about harming kids, animals etc, also writing nasty things to people as well as a number of other things. I was diagnosed in the my last year of Uni and have been through two bouts of CBT since then. I finished my last batch last year. I am a whole lot better then I use to be even though a lot of thing still bother me. Still, I have to find a job. I’ve only tried working once since I was diagnosed, I only lasted a week…terrible. I then went back for treatment. I have to work though but I’m petrified… I hardly have any experience in work places so my CV looks abysmal even though I’m twenty five which make me feel horrible. When I was getting treatment my psychologist phoned up a charity/support group who helped people get back into work, guiding them in the right path; they said I wasn’t a serious enough case for their help. I don’t know who to turn to. I know if I grab any job I’m going to let them down like last time. I scared I’m going to work myself up into a state again. I’m not even sure what job to look for, how to look for it… I really don't want to fail again. Does anyone know what I could? Does any one have any suggestions? I’d be ever so grateful if you do. My family have supported me through everything but they’ve never pressured me into working, not once. I need to start working or I never will, fear and a lack of confidence is really holding me back. Any way thanks for your time. Hope this wasn’t rubbish. Take care Lots of Love Ally
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