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Iolana

OCD-UK Member
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About Iolana

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    Sufferer

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  1. Just wanted to thank you Tricia. I spoke to the lovely peeps involved with the itv documentary because I really wanted them to get across how painful and tormenting ocd can be. Even though I'm in a good place with coping with my ocd, I didn't feel confident getting involved with the documentary... I'm just not as brave as you! So thank you so much for taking that step in not only sharing your experiences with other people with ocd but also with people lacking in the knowledge of how horrifying this illness is. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with some people's negative comments, please, please ignore them. You're helping so many people with your bravery. Lots of hugs and best wishes Ally xxxxxxx
  2. I'm sorry today was tough for you. I can only talk from experience but my parents were desperate to know what was wrong with me and were relieved when I finally admitted my troubles, so that they could get me better. You made a big step to go to the doctors, you're still working, it really shows you've got some strength to push through all of this but you need some support to figure out how to cope with these distressing thoughts. Talking to your mum is a good step to take, I know it's terrifying believe me I do and I wish I could say the words for you but it has to come from you. I hope things get better for you soon ellen, say strong. Mandy xxx
  3. You didn't fail, believe me you didn't. It's hard to get those words out, finally tell someone out loud what's happening but you can do it, you're doing it right now. You're mum obviously knows you're distressed about something but can't help you until you talk to her. It's terrifying I know but you don't have to go into great detail at first, this step is to let your family know you need some help and support. If you're finding it difficult to talk to your mum maybe you could sit down with her and show her you post on this forum? I went through this situation ten years ago (i'm thirty and feel so old) but I didn't know I had ocd back then, just thought I was a horrible/crazy person to be having these nasty thoughts about hurting people but I manged to tell my mum one day after uni and the world got a little bit brighter. Please don't suffer in silence any longer, you don't deserve to. Mandy lots more hugs xxxx
  4. Hi ellenz, I'm so sorry you're going through this but incredibly impressed that you managed to post tonight. It takes real courage to reach out and tell someone but you took that first step so be proud. I know you couldn't talk to your doctor about your worries but you actually went to the doctors which really shows you've got some real strength to get the help you deserve and need. Maybe you could take another brave step and talk to your mum. I know it's hard and scary, I kept my fears secret for a whole year worried what my parents would think but in the end it was the right thing to do, so that I could get the help that I needed. It's painful right now, you're literally in the eye of the storm but there are people out there waiting and wanting to help you. So please don't keep all of this bottled up, talk to your mum, go back to your doctor. If I could wave a magic wand and wish this all away for you, believe me I would but this is something you're going to have to fight and to do that you need to seek out that help. Don't suffer in silence any longer you truly don't deserve to. Take Care of yourself. Sending u lots of hugs. Mandy xxx
  5. Thank you Sarah for the reply. Hopefully this experience does make me stronger! Take care, Mandy
  6. Just thought I'd tell you brave ocd souls about the past week. I have Pure O, been battling for ten years (my story was in the last ocd mag). One of the things that I've feared (other then intrusive thoughts about hurting kids) is writing or saying nasty horrible things to people, especially famous people. At one point in my life, I couldn't use the internet without someone sitting next to me, then I couldn't go on the computer without a piece of paper covering the keyboard (so that I couldn't type horrible things), I also use to write down what sites and what I was doing every half a minute on pieces of paper, it was so tiring... Any way I'm better with the internet fears (I'm on the net on my own, typing this right now!), so I did something I couldn't imagine doing all those years a go. I have a real soft spot for the lovely singer/actor/writer called Chris Colfer of Glee fame, yes I'm thirty but I'm a bit of fan girl. Recently a book made by fans was created to to be given to him in celebration of his own book being published. So without worry (well I worried a bit) I sent off a letter/email telling him a bit about my ocd and depression and how much his singing and humour cheers me up. Once I checked it a couple of times and once I hit send the only worry I had was that it wouldn't get printed, mostly I was kind of silly -fan- girling- like- excited that I could have one little connection to someone I admire (if that makes sense). Three weeks later I found out my letter had been printed...one hour later I was sobbing my heart out and self harming. Yes an edit mistake by someone or some computer hitch was made, not a spelling mistake which would have just looked messy, or a missing word which would have looked confusing, no, one missing letter changed the whole meaning of the sentence. Instead of critising my laughter the sentence came out calling Chris's laughter "embarrissingly loud". Which makes it worst is that he was bullied badly for his high pitched voice growing up, even now... so the edit mistake made me feel like I'd hurt him terribly. I cried, I scratched my arm, I went hysterical. I was angry that something (what I thought would be a small achievement) turned into something messy and horrible. I'm here in the UK, he's in America some where, I had a fleeting thought of jumping on a plane to find him, to explain that it was just a mistake, that it wasn't my words, that I was terribly upset and sorry...but even in the bad state I was in I knew that was a ridiculous thought. I wrote to the person who put the fan book together to explain (never received a reply) managed some how to join livejournal and join a fan community people who have met chris, and interrupted a post to explain my freak out and fears. I received some lovely replies telling me not to worry that it was just a mistake and not even mine! Their kindess and understanding was wonderful, and yes I was seeking out reassurance but I can't go to the source, never will be able to, so I needed to reach out to the fans who would also be reading the fan book. It's been a week, I still feel horrible but I'm still here and this is why...even in my sobbing state I have to be honest though, in the back of my head I was laughing hysterically. Only a person with an ocd fear of sending nasty emails or posting horrible things to famous people would end up having their first letter badly edited to make a compliment look like a slight insult! I'm not saying I'm cured of this fear, that I'm not worried, what I will say is that I can look upon it as a little lesson. I tried so hard to get my letter right/perfect/not insulting in any way because OCD wants me to have control of every little thing, it want's me to be perfect, to do things perfectly so that nothing bad can happen. I've tried so hard to keep to that rule forgetting something more important; no matter how strong OCD is we can not control people around us from making mistakes. As one Chris Colfer fan reminded me "No one is perfect and it is our imperfections that make us the individuals that we are." Take care all of you, keep on fighting. Lots of Luv Mandy xxx
  7. Thanks for replying. When I finished the CBT in 2010 they signed me off their services because I was okay, I am going to see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm not sure what else to do.
  8. I feel terrible coming back here especially as I haven't been on here for years, like I'm wasting all of your time, so I'm sorry. I've managed so well having finished my therapy just under two years ago and I thought I'd never hit a bad patch again but I have and I'm really scared. I've use to fear about images of nasty sick things popping into my head, about hurting kids killing people but I'm able to cope with them because I can tell myself they're just make believe, just thoughts. It's what I call real things or solid things I can't cope with. My therapist told me that I can't question the past because you can never find answers, be certain about what's the truth or not but I keep questioning over and over again. I read fan fiction about tv shows, when I was early twenties, eight years a go I use to read fiction from the net about famous actors musicians or footballers. I only read a few but I liked to read about my favorite people in relationships with their team mates or band members. I only read about my favorite characters from tv shows now a days and over the years I've read thousands and thousands but I question if that football story was about the footballer being a little kid with an older footballer. I question if the police will find that I read that story and arrest me, I question why I would read such a story when I know over the years I just want to read about my favorite characters/ people not some sick young kiddie story. I know the musician story had the character being in a relationship with another band mate and having being abused as a kid but it had a story line. I never talked to my last therapist about real people fiction or the worry over how young the people in the story was because I've always questioned it but then able to reassure myself with, it was just a story just words and I love complex/sexy romantic/ stories not just some sort of peado nasty piece of writing. But what if I did read something evil, what does that mean about me? Every time I try to remember the story I feel sick in my stomach and it just reinforces that I'm a sick evil being. I did talk to my first therapist about the fiction and he told me it's just words, they're not real but I just can't stop feeling sick/guilty/worried. I don't want to be a pedophile, I don't want to be arrested, even though I want to confess to some police. I've confessed to my parents over and over again and they say it's just words nothing bad's going to happen but I feel sick, I can't eat and my body hurts. I can't stop feeling guilty/sick/worried. I can't do anything, I can't end it because I'm petrified of dying but I hate this living. How can I live with real things from the past it's not the same as real things that have happened? I was signed off from the therapist two years ago and my action plan that we wrote up isn't working. I'm so so sorry for coming here and wasting your time I'm just so low and tired and I hate myself so much.
  9. First off I want to apologise for posting again, more, I hate bothering all of you so much. My last post was about fearing I was responsible because I heard from my mum who heard about someone from a friend who’d been abused as a child. I panicked thinking I was now responsible for this abuser (even though he’s dead and it happened forty odd years a go). I then searched on this forum before my last post to see if anybody else had had the same experiences, only to enter a trigger mine field of my own making. Even though I’ve been on this sight for many years (I use to post on another ocd charity forum) I’d never come across people’s personal stories at what might have triggered their ocd, traumatic events such as child abuse for example. I now feel like I’m stuck in a dark deep hole, like I’m responsible for all the nasty child molesters out there, as though I’m privy to some secret information and must single handily go out and fight the world…some how round up all these paedophiles and get them arrested. It's just I don't know how to do that... I fell badly into the dark hole at the weekend and because this isn’t an image in my head i.e. thinking I’ve killed my family or questioning have I abused a child (which is my biggest fear) I can’t uses those examples in all my ocd books because they’re about thoughts and made up images in my head, what I’ve read has happened…it’s real events. For seven years now I’ve battled the fear that I am I child molester or I will become one. I’ve had two batches of CBT but this main issues ( I’ve had many other ones, like unable to leave the house or even in a room with a phone) has never really been tackled. I finished CBT last year and my psychologist left my file open for a year so that I could phone or contact him, that year was up this March so I can’t contact him. I have a wonderful family to talk to but this fear of responsibility, guilt, (which is making it hard to eat, really hard) stomach churning sickness won’t go away. I know if I watched a chat show or read a newspaper article about the horrible pasts people have had I wouldn’t feel like I needed to go and physically do something but reading the posts from the forum feels so different. For years I’ve fought the fear I will become my worst nightmare or am, I’ve never dealt with fearing I’m as bad a child molester because of doing nothing… I’m really sorry if I’ve upset anyone writing this or I shouldn’t have posted, please don’t get angry with me or maybe one of the moderators could delete this… the last time I felt so low was back in uni when I had my break down and was then diagnosed with ocd. I know I shouldn’t be bothering you again, I know I shouldn’t be posting this but I just don’t know what to do. I want to stop feeling so sick, so responsible, so guilty. :helpsmilie: Also sorry If I didn't title this properly, I'm really messing everything up right now.
  10. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or I’m wasting your time… For seven years I’ve had OCD mostly pure O, fears of killing people, setting fires, poisoning, everything and anything but the main one has always been the fear that I have abused kids or that I might. I’ve had two bouts of CBT and they dealt with many problems, including making it possible for me to leave the house on my own and even stay in certain rooms in my home on my own but the main one has never been tackled and now I wish it had. I’ve just had the biggest trigger that I’ve ever experienced and I haven’t felt this physically and mentally bad since I had my breakdown. Two days ago I got upset about something and sought out reassurance from my mum (I’m 26 still at home) in the conversation she tried to convince me that I’m not a child abuser because she knew the characteristics. That night it hit me what she said and my head went to the darkest of places. Next morning I broke down petrified (still am) she tried to explain to me, that she’d heard about someone from a friend who’d been sexually abused as a child in the 60’s/70’s and it was in the past and the abuser was dead… but I don’t believe it’s in the past. All I can think about right now is that there’s an abuser out there right now hurting kids and I’m not doing nothing to put a stop to it. This is finally the proof that I’m a bad, evil sick person worst then a paedophile because I’m not taking action. I’ve never had such solid proof before and I’m in such a scary dark place. Forget what I’ve been told, all I can think is that how do I really know he’s dead (so much uncertainty), I don’t know any details, what if the man isn’t dead? What if it gets back about me doing nothing, allowing all these kids to be hurt? (I tried searching for older posts on this forum, to find reassurance but all I found was more true stories about people who’d been abused. I now feel responsible for their heartaches and pasts now). My big brother, my mum they’ve tried to convince me, reassure me that I’m not bad that I need to let this go and file it away, that I’m not responsible but this is massive and I’m scared. How can I go about my life doing fun things when I need to be punished? I deserve to feel bad for knowing. I’m scared, sick to my stomach and I don’t know how to live/cope with this in my head and body. I’m so, so sorry for bothering all of you. I’m so petrified. Please help me out, please reply I feel so a lone, so bad. I’m fed up being this person, I hate myself so much.
  11. I hope someone out there could guide me in the right direction. I’m twenty-five and suffer from intrusive nasty thoughts about harming kids, animals etc, also writing nasty things to people as well as a number of other things. I was diagnosed in the my last year of Uni and have been through two bouts of CBT since then. I finished my last batch last year. I am a whole lot better then I use to be even though a lot of thing still bother me. Still, I have to find a job. I’ve only tried working once since I was diagnosed, I only lasted a week…terrible. I then went back for treatment. I have to work though but I’m petrified… I hardly have any experience in work places so my CV looks abysmal even though I’m twenty five which make me feel horrible. When I was getting treatment my psychologist phoned up a charity/support group who helped people get back into work, guiding them in the right path; they said I wasn’t a serious enough case for their help. I don’t know who to turn to. I know if I grab any job I’m going to let them down like last time. I scared I’m going to work myself up into a state again. I’m not even sure what job to look for, how to look for it… I really don't want to fail again. Does anyone know what I could? Does any one have any suggestions? I’d be ever so grateful if you do. My family have supported me through everything but they’ve never pressured me into working, not once. I need to start working or I never will, fear and a lack of confidence is really holding me back. Any way thanks for your time. Hope this wasn’t rubbish. Take care Lots of Love Ally
  12. Hey Mandy, First off I just wanted to say well done. It sounds like you’re having a hard time at the moment but you found the courage and strength to seek out help and support. It’s a hard step, I know I just started to re post myself (I’m petrified of writing nasty things) but you took that step without any ones help, it shows you’ve got a determination inside of you to seek help for this nasty critter that’s OCD. I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience with your last therapist and you don’t have money to pay for a private one but therapy could really help you. Please don’t let the first therapist put you off seeking help. I kind of go with that old tale of, if you know you’ve got a broken arm but the first doctor says you don’t you wouldn’t agree with him you’d head straight to the next or even the next until you receive that cast and support that you need to fix it (sorry silly story). What I’m saying is don’t give up on therapy there’s lots of different methods and lots of different people who are more understanding. I’m sorry I’m not being much help, I use to be good at this posting thing a few years back before the internet started to scare me! I just want you to know although we don’t all have the same OCD problems, we do all have the same feelings. The fear, the worry, the guilt, the sadness and that makes us all understand what you’re currently going through. Without sounding clichéd (is that how you spell it?) you’re not alone. (okay that was clichéd). Take care of your self, stay strong and I know it’s hard but try and have a lovely Christmas and holiday. Lots of Love Ally
  13. Rachie thank you so much, I don’t want to sound really sad but just receiving a reply has put a smile on my face. I’ve been scared to leave posts because of what I might write but I’ve missed being amongst (in a internet cyber space kind of way) you wonderfully kind people. I don’t have any friends and I’m scared of contacting people over the net so I get kind of lonely now and again. I’m not working either, (something which has to change next year (petrified about that one) so without my wonderful family I’d just be stuck in my room. Any way, thanks Rachie. Merry Christmas. Lots of Love Ally.
  14. First off, sorry to bother all of you nice people. I feel bad because I haven’t been on here for a very, very long time. I’ve had OCD for six years now, had a break down and then diagnosed when I was in the middle of university. I’m twenty five now still at home and just finished my second batch of CBT this year. Since I was last on this wonderful forum, I tried working but only lasted a week as I ended up breaking down in tears a very well known chemist. I then started another six months of CBT. My main nasty OCD problem is the thoughts. I have horrible nasty thoughts, those ones about kids and abuse and murder. Even though I’ve been lucky to have two sets of CBT, those fears that I’m an evil nasty person are still with me, maybe not as strong as they use to be but still there. Sorry if this post is all over the place. I’ve actually been scared to post for a while. Only this year I stopped hiding the key board with a piece of paper whenever I was on the net. See I’m also scared of writing nasty horrible sickening stuff to strangers. I have a love of stories most notably fan fiction (stories about tv shows and movies written by fans). Even though I would love to be able to contact other writers or even review their stories I can’t because I’m petrified of writing sick stuff to them and hurting them. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I hate these thoughts. I guess that’s why I’m bugging all of you. See I’m freaking out because I keep thinking I’ve contacted one author and said really nasty stuff and then my head spirals out of control and I keep thinking she’ll die or someone close to her like her kids…and the thoughts are getting worst. I then check to see if I’ve left the messages in the review section, and there isn’t but then when I get off the net I think I’ve left the sick message then. It’s a vicious nasty cycle! I’m actually too scared to go into detail encase telling my worry has made it really happen. Sorry I’m getting upset I don’t know what to write any more… Any way I know why I’m doing this, the nasty thoughts because it’s Christmas. A lovely holiday but a bad time for millions. It’s sad but I still love Christmas, the presents and decorations and food! Even though I’m twenty five! But every birthday and Christmas and my head goes crazy and I start getting panicky and upset and worried. I know I’m trying to stop myself from enjoying stuff from having anything nice but I can’t stop it. I have a wonderful family who support me a lot and I love so very much and they understand what goes through my head, but I still hate all of this. I’m sorry (fourth time lucky) :blushing: again for probably wasting your time. I’m just stuck and very worried. I hope everybody does have a lovely Christmas. Lots of Love Ally. (I hope I didn't mess this post up)
  15. Hello everyone. I hope know one minds me writing all of this. I feel guilty for not being part of the board and writing to others before, so I kind of feel out of place suddenly asking for support... :help: My main fear has been what if I abuse children, or what if I have. I’ve lived with those main ones for around four years now. I was diagnosed with ocd a year and a half ago, and I’ve had my ups and down times, but right now I can’t seem to get a grip on things. Since the beginning of January everyday my head is filled with something that makes me feel scared and worried and full of guilt. I’ve just turned 23 and I don’t have any friends or a job or hobbies, I do love reading though, and spend my time searching the internet for fan fiction stories about my favourite shows. I know it sounds sad, but I love becoming lost in the stories and for a couple of hours I can escape and be normal. Only thing is for the past two months I’ve been scared to approach the internet, at first the thought was what if I write a piece of hate mail about one of the actresses wishing her dead. At first I was able to combat the thought, but lately I’ve been freaking out over thinking that I have written nasty sick emails about famous kids or kids of certain actors and actresses. (I panicked about this today). I’m terrified I’ve emailed these things to the people who run the web pages, or I’ve written to the people who write the stores, and I’ve posted these sick things about abusing kids on their review pages. I hide the keyboard with paper every time (this is the first time I’ve typed anything so I’m freaking out over this too) I’m on the net so that I can’t see any letters, I try blocking out the thoughts by chanting things in my head when they start appearing, I seek reassurance from family members and such, but none of this has helped lately. I’ve turned to my ocd books but I can’t make these fears and thoughts about writing such perverted emails and comments go away. They seem so real,(too real )and very vivid in detail. I’m terrified that people will find out that I’m a sick and perverted thing and it's making me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to feel like this everyday but for months I have, and none of it will go away, I just want it to all go away. Part of me is angry because as I’ve mentioned reading these stories is the only thing that I enjoy, but fearing I’ve written these nasty sick perverted things, on these web pages means I can’t escape into the reading without feeling sick and guilty. I don’t want this to last, I really want it to go away but nothing that I’ve tried has worked. I know posting this is in one way looking for reassurance, which I’ve been told is wrong, but I’m so tired of feeling this pain and I just want one person out there...to I don’t know, I guess I’m just lost right now. I know you have to fight ocd, but all I’m doing right now is wishing some how that it could end and I wouldn’t feel so sick and scared... I'm sorry if I've wasted your time, I probably shouldn't have bothered any of you ...I just feel so trapped and needed some help. Iolana XXX
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