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Gerard

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Buckinghamshire

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  1. Hello everyone, I hope this finds you at peace. I have been doing well with my OCD but am in the midst of a relapse. It's horrible. No need, I think, to go in to the specific nature of my thoughts. It's the same old stuff and all OCD. I do think this latest episode is to do with the fact that I am now on holiday and have been looking forward to it so much. It's always the way with my OCD: just when I think I can relax and enjoy something I have been really looking forward to it, ambushes me like an anaconda and wraps me in its coils. I know that the harder I struggle the more the anaconda's coils will tighten but sometimes I just can't help it. It's nowhere near as overwhelming as it used to be. I am better these days at just carrying on, letting the thoughts blare away in the background like some horrific radio station. But this particular episode is exhausting me. God, I hate this condition. I know it is pointless saying that but I need to. I hate it so, so much. I just want to be left alone. I would be grateful for any advice, guidance and support. Sending out love to you all, Gx.
  2. Hello everyone, I have to post. I think I am going through my worst OCD episode in a number of years. It really is savage. I have been trying, unsuccessfully, not to engage with the thoughts. I think my spirit is low because of the relentless onslaught and the OCD is feeding off my vulnerability. I have been trying also not to practise my safety behaviours but to no avail. Rumination is my big one. I desperately need help and support. I think its' got to the stage where I definitely need to find professional help (I'm already on meds). Getting CBT does frighten because of the pain I know I'll have to experience in order to get better. I feel terrified to let another human being in to my head But this is just awful. Please could you advise me as to find a really good, reputable, trustworthy CBT person who specialises in then treatment of OCD? Sending you all love and light, Gerard
  3. Taurean, that is just fantastic to hear. Genuinely, I could not be happier for you. Love and light, Gerard
  4. Please, please don’t hurt yourself. You know I have had an exact, exact CARBON COPY of your current OCD episode BUT I GOT THROUGH IT AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW ?. Please go to your doctor as a matter of urgency. I know it’s agony but it’s just OCD. They’re just thoughts and images to which you are giving undue credence. Please, dear friend, go to the doctor asap. Love and light, Gerard
  5. I’m here to listen and support. We all are. I know the hell you are going through. You’re not alone. You’ll get through this. Everything will be all right. Love and light, Gerard x.
  6. It’s all OCD. Just chuck it in the bin where it belongs. Love and light, Gx
  7. Hi @Nolightleft, I am sorry you are suffering so dreadfully. But I want you to hear me now and hear me LOUD and CLEAR: The worst OCD attack of my life, one which brought me to suicidal thoughts, was 12 years ago and identical (and I mean IDENTICAL DOWN TO THE VERY LAST DETAIL) to the one you are now experiencing. I have never suffered so appallingly in my whole life. I was confessing to my wife endlessly. I'd get 5 minutes of relief then confess to her again. I didn't realise that THE CONFESSION IS A COMPULSION AND REINFORCES THE WHOLE THING, making it many times worse. But here I am now, having seen the doctor and got help, feeling a million million million times better. All sorts of crazy thoughts about everything continue to come along but, though I still fall down the rabbit hole from time to time, I am now able to carry on with my life with the thoughts (appalling, horrible, terrifying ones just like yours) blah blah blah away in the background just like some awful radio station. And the result is that I go through long periods of feeling absolutely fine and OCD-free ?! You are not a bad person who needs to get good. You are an ill person who needs to get well. Get some CBT, dear man. Until then, I can tell you now that the thoughts will not go away. Just carry on with what you're doing and trust and know that it's just a stupid radio station blaring away in the background. I would urge you to listen to Radio @Caramoole, Radio @MarieJo, Radio @gingerbreadgirl and Radio @Juliex instead of Radio @Nolightleft. Those particular radio stations have helped me beyond measure. Here to support you. Love and light, Gerard
  8. @MarieJo, @Hal & @ocdjonesy, You are all my angels! I've never looked in to reike, Marie Jo, so I shall definitely try that too. Love and light to you all, G
  9. Hi @Hal and hi @ocdjonesy, It's lovely to be in touch again with both of you as well. You are angels and, believe me, I shall be following your advice. Both the Happify app and the Yin Yoga sound fantastic . I do so hope I shall, at some point, be able to support both of you as you have supported me today. Love and light to you both, Gxxxxxxxx
  10. Hi @thistooshallpass1996, Thank you so much for taking time out to support me. It really is so very, very kind of you. Absolutely - I shall follow your advice to the letter. Once again, heartfelt thanks. Love and light, Gerard
  11. Hello all, I hope this finds you well. It's a long time since I have been on the forum. It has helped me so much in the past. I have been trying, and managing, to disregard (or, at least, behave as if I am disregarding) "Radio Gerard's OCD". I'vde been doing one hell of a lot of exercise during the last 2 years which, I know, must have helped. But I am really suffering badly right now with my OCD. I have got lost in the terror, fallen down a rabbit hole and forgotten my coping strategies. The only coping strategy I can hang on to at the moment is NOT FIGHTING THE THOUGHTS. So I am trying to do that. Thing is, that means I'm feeling pretty frightened all of the time because the thoughts just stay there which, as we all know, is deeply unpleasant. Sometimes, as per the "4 Steps" strategy, I am managing to label the intrusive thoughts as a symptom of OCD, just carry on and the thoughts dissolve. But time and time again I get caught up in the terror and it's just awful. I don't think there is any point in specifying the exact nature of the intrusive thoughts. Please don't think I am being difficult or arrogant. It's just that it's OCD whatever the thoughts are, right? I have a question, if you don't mind? I have now started Mindfulness meditation with the Calm app. I need to work at this. There are specific meditations for anxiety and not getting caught up in it, so that's great. But can anyone recommend any other meditations they've found to be particularly effective? Sending love and light to you all, Gerard x.
  12. Don't fight the thoughts "Lost In Thought". They're just thoughts and completely meaningless. If you liked them you wouldn't be here. OCD attacks what we most treasure. It gives us the thoights we most fear to have. I am going to get some more CBT and review my meds. What treatment have you had? Also, I am finding exercise to be excellent. Love, Gx
  13. GingerBreadGirl I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you for your response. It is wonderful of you to take out time to help me and everything you say hits the nail on the head. Yes, aside from ruminating, I have the "Telling my wife I love her the whole time" compulsion. I have had CBT but I think it's pretty clear that I must pluck up my courage and get some more. I send all the gratitude in the world, GBG, and only hope I can help you one day as you have helped me. Love, Gx
  14. Hello everyone, I hope this finds you all well, happy and staying safe. I really am having the most dreadful time at the moment. I think it's the worst OCD episode I've had in many years. My suspicion is that it's because all of the changes of routine because of lockdown. I get so scared of sharing what it's about in case people, even fellow-sufferers on this site, don't understand. I want to live in the solution not the problem. I try my best but it's like I do well and then the tools go blunt. As ever, it's intrusive thoughts that I'll turn around to my wife (who is my everything) and tell her I don't love her. I have impossible expectations. We have been married twenty years and I know it can't be lovey-dovey all the time. I know that there are times when things are just going to be normal and that's fine. It's like my OCD graph corresponds with my wife's mood. When she's happy, I'm happy and the OCD is at bay. But when I feel she is in a bad space I get intrusive thoughts about our marriage not working and of turning around and telling her that I don't love her anymore. I know it's my OCD. I try not to fight the thoughts, not to ruminate but this attack is really savage. All I want in the whole world is not to obsess and ruminate over these thoughts and I desperately need someone to hold out a hand to me, to give me some sharpened tools. Most of the time I can do it but this episode has been terrible and I am stuck on the hamsters wheel inside my mind, fighting the thoughts and reassuring myself. Like I said, I want to live in the solution. Love and support to you all, Gerard
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