Gerard

Thank you so much, Karin. I so appreciate you taking time out of your day to support me. I shall be thinking of you this week. We can do it! God bless you, Gerard

Hello to all my fellow OCD sufferers, I do hope this finds you all coping with this condition as healthfully as possible. It is years since I posted on this forum. You have all helped me enormously in the past but I got to the stage where I felt that my posting was becoming a compulsion, so I stopped. But be in no doubt as to how grateful I am for the support you've all given me in the past. It is beyond evaluation. I'm suffering a great deal at the moment. For the last 16 years my OCD has centred around my marriage, which is the most precious thing in my life. My wife is wonderful – the best thing that’s ever happened to me – and I have super-strict rules about my interactions with women. I get scared that I am attracted to certain women and it sends me into a tailspin of terror. In 2009 I got to the stage where, because of intrusive thoughts about being attracted to a colleague at work, I was spending so much time in a state of total panic that I was suicidal. I almost quit my job. I was confessing my thoughts to my wife which, I now know, was a big mistake. It also became a compulsion. I’ve stopped all that now, thank God. But it was one of the most dreadful episodes of my life. Indescribably horrible. I got CBT which, for me, was hopeless. All that was happening each session was that I was being provoked into terror but being given no tools to deal with it. I was initially on Prozac but for the last 16 years have been on Sertraline. I am wondering whether I might need to change my meds... I decided to confront things head-on. I deliberately placed myself in situations with the woman at work, felt the terror and just tried to carry on as normal. Slowly, and terrifying though it was, that strategy worked and I was eventually able to be around the woman without any fear whatsoever. I began to be able to treat my OCD brain as if it was just a horrific radio station blaring away in the background. Essentially, I pretty much got to the stage where I could say to myself, “It’s just my OCD”. But I dreaded anything even remotely resembling the experience ever happening to me again and, I thank God, it didn’t. Until now. I am a teacher and in the last 2 months I’ve experienced another very severe OCD ambush along similar lines, only this time with a 17 year old student of mine. Now, please (and I am aware that this probably is self-reassurance, but I just have to make it clear to you) understand me: I have even stricter, more stringent rules about how I behave around my students – female and male - than I do with adult women. I would never dream of acting on my thoughts nor do I want to. But, for some reason I got an OCD attack about this girl. It first happened in early April and it scared the living daylights out of me. This particular student group like my lessons (I have been told I am their favourite teacher and even that makes me very uncomfortable), and they all pitched in to buy me a thank you gift. A group of students, one of whom was this girl, presented it to me. That moment terrified me and I couldn't get out of the pace fast enough. I got whooshes of panic sweeping over me and it was horrendous. I was, I thank God, able to remove myself from the situation in which I was seeing this girl and that, alongside a daily meditation practice (only started since this OCD episode began) and Alexander technique sessions helped me enormously. I got occasional spikes but, largely, things improved. However, I was in a situation last week in which I had to see this girl again. I’d been dreading it for weeks and weeks but I got through it. I was expecting a massive onset of intrusive thoughts, images and ideas in the wake of it and that did indeed happen. But my meditation practice really helped me see that these were just meaningless thoughts and I was able to cope. However, last night I was out exercising. I was beset with intrusive thoughts the whole time but was able to let them go. Then another thought occurred to me – I can’t even properly remember what the thought was but it involved close-ups of this girl's face – and WHHHHHHOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHHHH! I was suddenly in an uncontrollable state of panic again and it was awful. It wasn’t a full-on panic attack but it was extremely unpleasant. I know that you all know what I am talking about. Part of the problem is that I will be teaching this girl’s class again on Wednesday and have to attend the school prom on Saturday. I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to go to either of those things but I sort of have to. Also, a part of me thinks that it will be good for me to go from an exposure-therapy-strategy point of view. But I just can’t wait for them to be over. Another thing I find difficult is being around my wife whilst I am going through this. I want to protect her from my OCD and never tell her what I am going through. All I’ll say is a vague, “My OCD’s playing me up today”. She is so supportive. I try to behave normally around her when I have my OCD episodes but, during a time like this when one is just desperate for some peace, it’s hell. Ever since last night I have been struggling and that, of course, makes it worse. My mind is just deluged with images of this girl’s face and the “What of these thoughts are true?” syndrome. I have been unable to break free of it and, though writing this post scares the hell out of me as well, I just had to share with you. I know it's a pointless thing to say but I just want to be left alone to enjoy my marriage in peace. That, really, is all I want. Please help me. Please pass on your wisdom. I need it right now. Many thanks in advance for giving this your attention and love to you all, Gerard

Hello everyone, I hope this finds you at peace. I have been doing well with my OCD but am in the midst of a relapse. It's horrible. No need, I think, to go in to the specific nature of my thoughts. It's the same old stuff and all OCD. I do think this latest episode is to do with the fact that I am now on holiday and have been looking forward to it so much. It's always the way with my OCD: just when I think I can relax and enjoy something I have been really looking forward to it, ambushes me like an anaconda and wraps me in its coils. I know that the harder I struggle the more the anaconda's coils will tighten but sometimes I just can't help it. It's nowhere near as overwhelming as it used to be. I am better these days at just carrying on, letting the thoughts blare away in the background like some horrific radio station. But this particular episode is exhausting me. God, I hate this condition. I know it is pointless saying that but I need to. I hate it so, so much. I just want to be left alone. I would be grateful for any advice, guidance and support. Sending out love to you all, Gx.

Thank you so much, @northpaul. Loe, Gx

Hello everyone, I have to post. I think I am going through my worst OCD episode in a number of years. It really is savage. I have been trying, unsuccessfully, not to engage with the thoughts. I think my spirit is low because of the relentless onslaught and the OCD is feeding off my vulnerability. I have been trying also not to practise my safety behaviours but to no avail. Rumination is my big one. I desperately need help and support. I think its' got to the stage where I definitely need to find professional help (I'm already on meds). Getting CBT does frighten because of the pain I know I'll have to experience in order to get better. I feel terrified to let another human being in to my head But this is just awful. Please could you advise me as to find a really good, reputable, trustworthy CBT person who specialises in then treatment of OCD? Sending you all love and light, Gerard

Taurean, that is just fantastic to hear. Genuinely, I could not be happier for you. Love and light, Gerard

Please, please don’t hurt yourself. You know I have had an exact, exact CARBON COPY of your current OCD episode BUT I GOT THROUGH IT AND FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW ?. Please go to your doctor as a matter of urgency. I know it’s agony but it’s just OCD. They’re just thoughts and images to which you are giving undue credence. Please, dear friend, go to the doctor asap. Love and light, Gerard

I’m here to listen and support. We all are. I know the hell you are going through. You’re not alone. You’ll get through this. Everything will be all right. Love and light, Gerard x.

It’s all OCD. Just chuck it in the bin where it belongs. Love and light, Gx

Hi @Nolightleft, I am sorry you are suffering so dreadfully. But I want you to hear me now and hear me LOUD and CLEAR: The worst OCD attack of my life, one which brought me to suicidal thoughts, was 12 years ago and identical (and I mean IDENTICAL DOWN TO THE VERY LAST DETAIL) to the one you are now experiencing. I have never suffered so appallingly in my whole life. I was confessing to my wife endlessly. I'd get 5 minutes of relief then confess to her again. I didn't realise that THE CONFESSION IS A COMPULSION AND REINFORCES THE WHOLE THING, making it many times worse. But here I am now, having seen the doctor and got help, feeling a million million million times better. All sorts of crazy thoughts about everything continue to come along but, though I still fall down the rabbit hole from time to time, I am now able to carry on with my life with the thoughts (appalling, horrible, terrifying ones just like yours) blah blah blah away in the background just like some awful radio station. And the result is that I go through long periods of feeling absolutely fine and OCD-free ?! You are not a bad person who needs to get good. You are an ill person who needs to get well. Get some CBT, dear man. Until then, I can tell you now that the thoughts will not go away. Just carry on with what you're doing and trust and know that it's just a stupid radio station blaring away in the background. I would urge you to listen to Radio @Caramoole, Radio @MarieJo, Radio @gingerbreadgirl and Radio @Juliex instead of Radio @Nolightleft. Those particular radio stations have helped me beyond measure. Here to support you. Love and light, Gerard

@MarieJo, @Hal & @ocdjonesy, You are all my angels! I've never looked in to reike, Marie Jo, so I shall definitely try that too. Love and light to you all, G

Hi @Hal and hi @ocdjonesy, It's lovely to be in touch again with both of you as well. You are angels and, believe me, I shall be following your advice. Both the Happify app and the Yin Yoga sound fantastic . I do so hope I shall, at some point, be able to support both of you as you have supported me today. Love and light to you both, Gxxxxxxxx

Hi @thistooshallpass1996, Thank you so much for taking time out to support me. It really is so very, very kind of you. Absolutely - I shall follow your advice to the letter. Once again, heartfelt thanks. Love and light, Gerard

Hello all, I hope this finds you well. It's a long time since I have been on the forum. It has helped me so much in the past. I have been trying, and managing, to disregard (or, at least, behave as if I am disregarding) "Radio Gerard's OCD". I'vde been doing one hell of a lot of exercise during the last 2 years which, I know, must have helped. But I am really suffering badly right now with my OCD. I have got lost in the terror, fallen down a rabbit hole and forgotten my coping strategies. The only coping strategy I can hang on to at the moment is NOT FIGHTING THE THOUGHTS. So I am trying to do that. Thing is, that means I'm feeling pretty frightened all of the time because the thoughts just stay there which, as we all know, is deeply unpleasant. Sometimes, as per the "4 Steps" strategy, I am managing to label the intrusive thoughts as a symptom of OCD, just carry on and the thoughts dissolve. But time and time again I get caught up in the terror and it's just awful. I don't think there is any point in specifying the exact nature of the intrusive thoughts. Please don't think I am being difficult or arrogant. It's just that it's OCD whatever the thoughts are, right? I have a question, if you don't mind? I have now started Mindfulness meditation with the Calm app. I need to work at this. There are specific meditations for anxiety and not getting caught up in it, so that's great. But can anyone recommend any other meditations they've found to be particularly effective? Sending love and light to you all, Gerard x.

Don't fight the thoughts "Lost In Thought". They're just thoughts and completely meaningless. If you liked them you wouldn't be here. OCD attacks what we most treasure. It gives us the thoights we most fear to have. I am going to get some more CBT and review my meds. What treatment have you had? Also, I am finding exercise to be excellent. Love, Gx