lucy :)

i agree with what you're all saying, if i could push a button and get rid of it right now, i wouldn't hesitate a second. But sadly, that's not going to happen. So i'm trying to see the positives - saying that there are very few. I'm really not doing a very good job at explaining this am i? Oh well. i was VERY tired when i wrote that post last night, my brain was probably not functioning properly (is it ever?). Without ocd though, i wouldn't have met all you wonderful people on here. And i wouldn't have taken part in various charity events to raise money for ocduk, whihc were all amazing experiences especially when i'm raising money for something that really helps everyone here. So maybe that's one positive thing, for me. xxxx

I don't really know how to go about this, without sounding really weird. But on some level, i feel like i was meant to have ocd. I have this image that if i didn't have ocd a huge chunk of my body would be missing. It's like the saying goes 'can't live with it, can't live without it'. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely hate the thing, and i resent myself in a way for having it. But in some ways i'm thankful for it. Well i told my friends in secondary school for the first time, it really showed me who my real friends were, and those who supported me then are still very close to me now I've had ocd for such a long time, probably most my life in one way or another, that i can't imagine me without it. I'd be a completely different person, but i don't think i'd like the person i would be. (I hope i'm making sense, by the way.) I think i was meant to have it, to fill a hole in myself, because without it i'd feel like only part of a person. I hate the silly rituals and horrible intrusive thoughts and mental images, but in a way it keeps me sane! I'm a more thoughtful person, and more conscientious and it helps me with me work making sure i've got in all the relevant details in essays etc and rigorous checking. So, in a way, i'm kind of thankful. It's a part of who i am, and it helps me to define who my real friends are and who really care. And it makes me appreciate the finer things that other people take for granted. And it makes you appreciate the good days even more I'm probably talking complete rubbish, does anyone else think remotely along the same lines as me? xxxx

today's been a really really tough day. i've been upset and crying on and off all day because my day hadn't gone exactly how i planned. I got so angry and frustrated, hitting my laptop etc, i had to squeeze my hands up really tight to stop myself doing anything crazy. I had terrifying thoughts, and it was because i was scared of myself it's a terrible feeling anyway, this is the slightly better bit - usually when i get like this and i talk to my boyfriend i end up getting really annoyed with him even though he's done nothing wrong, and we'll end up having a massive argument for hours and i'll cry and hate myself for it. But this time, i just told him that i couldn't talk t him because i knew exactly what would happen, so i hung up the phone to him. I did get a bit more upset and scared and i felt completely out of control. But instead of hitting things, i got on my bed, got my two favourite cuddly toys (yeah i know, i'm 18...) and my old pillow and squeezed them really really tight until the feeling passed i must admit during this time i was completely distraught, but it was so much better than taking it out on James. So i felt a small achievement. xxx

Sorry for the 'triple-posting', but i need to update this. Now I'm doing the half marathon too, which is going to be a challenge, but i'm willing to do it for such a worthy cause i'm going to need all the support i can get, i've never ran anywhere near half a marathon before! Please donate? xxxx

Is there any way i can move this to the 'fundraising' bit of the forum? I think it'd fit better in there, but if it's not possible that's okay xxx

I remember someone once (might have been stephen fry actually! i have a terrible memory) said that moods are like the weather. Some days it'll be glorious sunshine, and sometimes it'll be a torrential downpour. But you've just got to put your umbrella up and hope that another sunny day will come soon it's the same with ocd, some days are easier than others, and some days you just want it all to disappear. But, unlike the weather, we have some control over ocd. You've just got to keep powering through. Whatever kind of (mental) weather it is, just keep going, and keep telling yourself that a) it's only in your head, and ultimately you're the one in control of your thoughts and b) a sunny day will be along soon i hope you feel better soon xxxx

Thanks a lot for your help i'll try to not structure my days so much Maybe i didn't explain myself quite right though, i don't have a routine during the day, i've passed that stage now (thankfully!), it's just little things. Say, if someone says something that i think isn't 'right' or someone does something that usually i'd laugh and joke about, sometimes i just can't, and i get really angry and snappy in a split second it comes from nowhere sometimes, i can't even feel the anxiety building. Some days i can tell when it's going to happen though :/ I keep worrying i've got some sort of split personality disorder or something! :| It's really difficult to explain but thank you for taking the time to help me xxxx

any help, any one please? xxxx

HELLO! As some of you remember, last November I did a charity 'Jailbreak' with durham uni, and raised almost £200 for OCD-UK. Well, in a few months my boyfriend is running the Redcar Half Marathon, and he decided he wanted to raise money for OCD-UK too (i basically melted when he told me this, he's so wonderful). Anyway, i'd really really appreciate it if you could follow this link http://www.justgiving.com/james-fitzhenry and donate, even just a few pounds will be WONDERFUL It's a great way to give something back to this amazing charity which has helped us all so much, and to keep the charity going for future generations of sufferers and those affected by OCD So, essentially you're giving money to help yourself man, i'm persuasive ¬¬ Anyway, any donations will be kindly recieved and greatly appreciated, if you think about it, the money's going into helping everyone here anyway Right, that's my bit done, your turn! Lots of love and wishes as usual, Lucy xxx

Hello, I posted on here a while ago when I was really quite ill with ocd, and those of you who were around the forums then or read the threads might remember that my problem was mainly with compulsions. I'm slowly managing to get over that, with the help of my amazingly supportive boyfriend, but it stops and starts. Sometimes i'll make great progress, and the next day it'll just take over me again Anyway, recently i've been experiencing a new problem. It's very scary and unsettling, and it's mainly just in my head. Here it is: I usually plan out my days or at least have an idea of how i want my day to go. And usually if it doesn't go like that i get a bit frustrated. But recently i've been getting very very angry if one little thing doesn't go to plan. It makes me feel like a child spitting it's dummy out when it doesn't get it's own way. I get so angry and i can feel it building inside of me, i literally feel like if i don't do something i'll burst. I've never been a violent person (besides doing karate ) but over the past few weeks when i get feelings like this, i scream and shout and hit things and punch walls or throw things. I once even hit my boyfriend :'( it was horrible and i feel like i can't do anything about it. It's terrifying, i'm terrified of myself or what i might do to myself or others I live in fear of it happening again. Some days i can feel it building inside of me, if a chain of a few things go wrong. Other days it'll be one thing going wrong and i'll flip from perfectly happy to horribly angry. And other days, i'll get angry with myself for being upset about it, and it'll make me even more upset. I really need help any help will be greatly appreciated It's putting strain on my relationship, as moods like this tend to come on more when my boyfriend comes visit me (we're both at separate unis at the minute), and i don't want to think it's because of him. I think it's because i want everything to be perfect when he's here. Oh somebody, just please tell me somebody else has felt the same? Do i need anger management? Thank you so much xxxxx

I've just sat and read this whole thread, and i cried. I really pray for you (and i am the least religious person you will find) to get better, both physically and psychologically. I remember when i was like you are know, mentally crippled by my rituals, completely exhausted from lack of sleep and stress and anxiety. And one new year, I decided my new years resolution was simply to 'not have ocd', and it worked kind of. I just did everyday ignoring every spike or compulsive thought i got and told myself i had to keep my new years resolution. I know it's not really relevant to this, but i really hope that some day you'll find a way of helping yourself get over ocd too, and you'll come out the other side so much happier and less stressed. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best of luck, Lucy xxxxx

I'm willing to do any volunteer work you need i'd love to give something back. I'm in the durham/teesside area. xxx

And thank you everybody for being so supportive and for donating xxx

Yeah of course you can Sorry if this reply is a bit late. There are plenty of photos on my facebook that i've been tagged in, but i'm not sure how to get them on here :s if you have facebook then you could add me as a friend and see them that way. That's a brilliant idea of course you can, that'd be really good I kind of summarised the journey on the justgiving page, so if you wanted more details i can write more, if you like xxxx

Ashley, i was wondering if there's any way in which you can make this thread more seen so more people know about it? Is there any way of doing that? Thanks Lucy xxx

Thanks for your support it's no problem, i understand there's plenty of people raising money in various different ways xxx

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it! If I get enough sponsors or interest i might increase my target I see no reason not to! I feel priviledged that you decided to sponsor me out of all the fundraisers you have, it's brilliant! I just wanted to give a little back for all the help youve given me over the years Thanks again xxx

I'm soon going to be participating in a 'jailbreak', where essentially i have no money and have to get as far away as possible from durham prison in 36 hours. People have managed to get to china before! I'm not quite so ambitious though. Anyway, the charity i choose to raise money for is this one I don't know about you, but these forums have helped me so much in the past few years. I doubt i'd be as happy as i am now without it. If you feel the same, then give something back go to www.justgiving.com/lucysjailbreak and give as little or as much as you want to. I'm not asking for bucket loads, just a few pounds to support the wonderful charity that supports us so well The site is completely safe and so is your money, so there's no stress there. Long story short, give something back and help me reach my target of £100. I would really appreciate it, please don't disregard this as unimportant. Thank you, and lots of love as usual, Lucy xx

I thought the same when i watched it. But let's be honest, thinking of the doctor would make you happier whether he comes out with inspirational quotes or not

I don't get my obsessions in my dreams, but i do have very vivid dreams. When i had nightmares they're terrible, because they'll so real and vivid and chilling, and they'll haunt me for days. Or sometimes, i'll just have really perculiar dreams that just make no sense at all. Also, when i get ill with a cold or something, my dreams are usually more like hallucinations, when i'm only half asleep. And i'll feel/see/hear things that aren't actually there at all. Do you think this is to do with the imbalance of chemicals in my head which OCD brings, or just unrelated? xxxx

I loved it the other week when Emma stood up to Will and shouted "YOU'RE A SLUT!" at him several times in the staffroom. It was one of those 'go girlfriend' moments. I swear i will NEVER use that term again. Apologies. xxxx

John Mayer - Say such a perfect song. oh, and i saw him live last night i reccommend him to anyone and everyone xxxxx

My thought are with you and your family. I hope that you overcome your ocd, i know how dificult it can be to get out of a rut like this. Just think, your mum wouldn't like to see you in this way, so you need to be strong we're all here for you. This has scared me though :/ my mum is suffering with a connective tissue disorder. Which is like arthritis, and means her own immune system is attacked her muscles/tissues/organs. She's going to undergo treatment soon to suppress her immune system and hopefully relieve the pain. I don't want her to die xxxx

I do yeah. I do karate twice a week and my diet's pretty healthy as it is. I don't know what to do. I feel so uppy downy all the time. Xxx

Over the past year basically I've been so much better with my OCD. I live a virtually normal life. Well, up until a month or two ago. I keep getting really stressed over nothing, i'll go from completely happy to hating myself and everyone else in the flick of a switch. If one things goes wrong or not how i planned it, i'll get really annoyed and upset. And it makes it worse I don't know why it's happening. I feel like i'm slipping again. But it doesn't feel like it did before, when i would do silly compulsions. I don't know if it's just immense stress of exams, or ocd. I feel constantly tighly-strung, like i can't relax. It's affecting me and my boyfriend too :/ he understands my problems, but whenever i get upset like i am now, he'll act like i'm upset with him and he won't talk to me. Which is the last thing i want when i feel like that :| I've tried to talk to him about it and all he says is "it's difficult, trying to cheer someone up who's acting miserable." or something of that nature. Please help me :'( De-stressing techniques? Thank you xxxxxx