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Scared

Suicidal. Will I be like this forever?

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Yeah, basically my Dr suspects I have OCD. Not yet do I have a full diagnosis, and I am going back again so I may get one soon. Because my Dr suspects OCD though, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I may have.

Basically I have to do things in patterns of 6 in my head. If not, what happens? Well, my thoughts tell me that someone I love will die or that something bad will happen (not going to go into detail as I don't want to think about that one too much). IF I do not act on these thoughts, I get a full blown panic attack.

This is not the only kind of "OCD" I have. It gets worse. Sometimes I have to look up disturbing/scary images (not going into what specifically) to relieve my thoughts of "oh something bad will happen". OF course, because these images happen to be very scary and disturbing to look at, I cannot always act on neutralising the thoughts which is where it's horrible. It's like I feel scared if I do not neutralise it, but I will feel scared neutralising it because of the nature of these images.

Because of all of this, I feel suicidal. Is there any hope?

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Hi I'm sorry to here what you are going through at the moment and I can totally ralate. Some days I believe all is going wronge and I felt like giving up but as I've recently found out with my few improvements OCD doesn't mean it's the end there is a way out and there is hope. At the beginning of my OCD I was suicidal too and also diagnosed with depression I do admit there are days where this feeling is almost as powerful as before but I then think about tomorrow and how tomorrow is a new day and what if that day is the day for improvement. You have to live it to find out . I wish you all the best and I hope you get the help you need. X 

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