tryin to get out

[changemynametosomething]

Hei everyone. 

Its been a while since ive been here, but ive read a lot of posts these last weeks cause of a major "ocd comeback". 

i mangaged to get pretty free from all ocd compulsions last year, but sadly, as you know, it can come back as soon as you start doing compulsions again, wich i did.

i also went trough some ROUGH **** this summer, wich lead to what its called unreal-feeling directly transaleted from norvegian, (dont know what its called in english).

i went trough some anxiety wich was really really hard, wich caused this to happen. i know that this feeling is not something to worry about, but the first time i felt it, it was really scary. when i realized what caused it, and that its notting dangerous, i cope better with it. i still get it from time to time, ive had it today, but i just shrug it off like its nothing important.

anyways, it was not why i startet writing this, what i wanted to say is that im trying to get out of this comeback about compulsions, wich has been a nightmare the last months. its gonna be tough, but ive already startet, ive been doing almost no cumpolsions the last two days, and it feels amazing. and also really bad, off course. 

also wanted to say thank you to all you people on this forum, you give good advices, and thank you for being here. i have no one to talk to if im in a "sudden panic" or sudden "ocd state of mind", but this forum is always here.

guess this is all there is to say, have a good day everyone.

[changemynametosomething]

Its been going well since i wrote. I know its been only one day, but for me thats a long time, and i actually went trough this day with only doing like two compulsions. Im proud.

Right now my anxiety is of the roof, its absolutly going crazy. Had a positive thought about life, and since my life has been terrible these last months, its pretty abvious that when i first have a positive thought, and actually felt happy- right after that thought something else came along, i had a really horrific thought, not related to that, but one of my usuall ocd thoughts. I SO want to do compulsions right now, its ridicilous.

I need some pep talk, or i need to write it down. This doesent help my anxiety, so its not reasuranse. I just feel that all those positive things are being taken away from me if i dont do this ONE compolsion. 

I also know- if i get trough this- without doing compulsions-

my ocd will no longer hurt me. i will be one LARGE step to being free. omg. somebody pray for me. and im not even religious.

 

[changemynametosomething]

One more thing:

you people- manly talking about those who suffered before- know much about ocd and how to tackle it. i also know my part, but there is one thing im not ready for- or i dont know how to tackle.

i have no ocd about germs or being dirty-exept for when im going over to my boyfriends house. its about his couch. im afraid of ruin it, or get something on it, like sweat, pee, dirt from my ears (i have dirty ears no matter how much i clean them).

i have this feeling of peeing myself every time im on my way over there, and feel the urge to put paper in my underwear or something- to make sure its not going trough my pants.

ive checked once- and i know its not pee, its just a feeling, so i know how to deal with that particular thing, but what about my ears? you know- my headphones ARE dirty if i dont clean them, and i have this fear that if i dont clean them before going over, it will be all over the couch.

so- to my point: when im ready- how should i best overcome this? what should be the best way towards this particular theme? actually put my dirty headphones on the couch? or should i wash them every single time i go over there since i actually KNOW (i can see that they are dirty) that they are dirty?

im asking cause i cant seem to figure it out, and as you know, when you are trying to get free from ocd- doubt is NOT your friend.

thank you in forhand for those who replies.

Edited November 14, 2016 by ocdishell

[PolarBear]

Don't do anything. Sit on the couch. Lay on the couch. Roll around on the couch. Face the fear and you'll be better off. Watch out for ruminating. You don't want to sit there thinking about possibly getting something on his couch. If you do, you do. Oh well. 

Edited November 14, 2016 by PolarBear

[changemynametosomething]

thank you for replying.

i kind of knew that already, but guess you reminded me. also- about those ****** headphones, would a normal person wash them before, if they clearly SAW the dirt? i think- my first step could be not wash them, but put them in my jacket as long as im there- i would then feel i have it on my hands, maybe thats challenging enough at the beginning? im not even using them when im there, so that would be a normal thing anyways.

or- just start with all the other things- i already feel dirty enough without the headphones. sorry-thinking out loud now. one step at the time.

Edited November 14, 2016 by ocdishell

[PolarBear]

Yup. Start with lesser exposures amd then move on up to tougher ones.

[changemynametosomething]

?

[changemynametosomething]

im doing a lot better. 

ive done a lot of compulsions today, and also yesterday, but ive still mangaged to stop somewhere even dough it feels wrong. i feel like doing compulsions right now, but i know it wont help.

when it comes to these thoughts about being clean, ive also made some huge steps forward.

i just moved in this apartment, and a few weeks ago i discovered someone left a towel in top of the clothe-thing (sorry, forget english words sometimes?). i only have one towel, and sometimes its dirty, and i have thought many times that i just want to take that towel, you know, its so much more comforteble with a towel than a t-shirt. but it seems dirty, i felt i couldent use it. but erlier today, even dough my boyfriend is coming over later, and i didnt know if i was going to take another shower before that, i just thought "**** it", and used it anyways. it felt so amazing.

he is coming over later, and i desided to let things be as they are, maybe i wash the toalet really quiq, but thats it. 

today has absolutly been a hard day, specially the first two hours, i had some thoughts that really freaked my out, and still do, but im coping.

also had this "unreal" feeling a lot of the day, especially when being out in crowded places, i just space out and get it, but as i said before, im not as scared of it anymore, even dough when it happened today it wasent pleseant, to say atleast.

anyways, im coping, not more, not less.

 

Edited November 19, 2016 by ocdishell

[changemynametosomething]

thank you:)

not going to make this like a novel thing where i write everything, but since im really struggling, its good for me to have a place to share stuff. im not dying to get feedbacks and support, but offcourse its well appriciated.

ok, ive made som huge steps forward, i find myself sitting with the most awefull thoughts and not doing compulsions, wich is, well, the way to go. still have a lot to fix off course.

i am lost these days. have been for a long time. and when i say lost, i mean lost. like in: i dont remember who i am, have i used to do things, how i used to be, what i liked. my survive mechanisms. i lost a part of me this summer, and i am scared.

thats just the truth. i am scared. 

but it will be ok.

and now i am terrified cause i wrote this, and my ocd wants me to delete it before i post, but 

WhOp there it goes.