PolarBear

I know your mind is trlling you that. All sufferers deal with that. I am telling you it is a lie. Yes, your mind can lie to itself.

The right direction is to ignore the thoughts, be kind to yourself, don't dwell on this and work hard to not do compulsions like ruminating.

And yet, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. You are experiencing thoughts that you did something wrong. Just thoughts. That doesn't mean you did something wrong. It's a distinction you need to learn.

Can you see your compulsions in your post above?

No. An obsession is an intrusive thought, image, feeling, urge, impulse or sensation that causes distress. So an obsession can be an intrusive image. Heed Caramoole's warning. You are fixated on this, trying to work it out. That is a compulsion and will only keep you stuck.

It's just OCD. Nothing weird about it. If you want to delve into it, your mind told you to turn the cans a certain way, which is the obsession. Followed by doing it, which is the compulsion. A good test is try not turning the cans around. If your anxiety spikes, it's OCD.

It's avoidance, which is a compulsion. You need to learn to deal with triggers as they happen. (No compulsions, carry on.) Intentionally triggering yourself and practicing not doing compulsions is ERP.

What you do is leave it alone. Stop looking for evidence. Treat it like the nonsense it is.

If your anxiety is high all the time, you may want to consider meds, either starting them or increasing your existing dose.

Boy, I'd like to have a chat with that mental health team. Twits.

Cora, as has been explained to you before, you need to stop trying to figure this stuff out and trying to understand. It's a compulsion and is only keeping you stuck. I know you want to understand but what is it you want to understand? Deep down you want to know if you are bad, if what you are thinking and doing makes you a bad person. And that is your core obsession. You need to leave it alone. Completely alone. No trying to work it out. No trying to understand. Just leave it alone. And no buts.

The problem is not the thought. It's that you took it seriously and gave it energy by doing compulsions. You say the thought is coming stronger. And probably more frequently. You likely wrongly interpret that to mean there must be truth to the thought. Nope. The reason the thought is coming stronger and more frequently is because you tske it seriously and do compulsions. It's that simple.

Stop trying to remember. What you are doing is a mental compulsion. You work very hard to find an answer but it doesn't work. You just go round and round in your head. The truth is, you will NEVER find an answer by doing compulsions.

So what are you doing to change the way you think about the contamination thoughts and your behavior when the thoughts strike?

There is nothing real about OCD obsessions. None of them. Did something leak from the van? Maybe. But that's not the issue. It's how your mind blows this insignificant thing into a huge, life altering issue. THAT'S PROBABLY BATTERY ACID AND IT'S GOING TO GET ALL OVER YOU AND YOUR SHOES AND YOU'LL GET IT EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE CONTAMINATED THIS IS THE WORST THING POSSIBLE!! That's what OCD sounds like. And it's not true. It's not a three alarm fire. It's insignificant. There are drips and puddles from vehicles everywhere. We all walk through them, around them, give them no thought and carry on. OCD is lying to you. It always lies. Every time. It won't stop lying until you stop taking it seriously.

Snowbear is spot on. You say you MUST know that you didn't do something wrong. I guarantee you that you will not find the answer by doing compulsions. I've been here about 7 years. Not once, not ever, has a sufferer come here and told us they finally did enough compulsions to find the answer they've been seeking. Peace will only come when you stop searching.

Absolutely not. You either have OCD or not. Educating yourself about OCD cannot make you have the disorder.

Undoubtedly, yes.

You trying to understand it is yet another compulsion. You need to see that. When we say we want you to leave the thoughts alone, we mean completely alone. Don't ruminate on ANY aspect of the thoughts. And no, you don't have to understand. You just have to do.

Meanwhile, you have been spending your days wracking your brain, trying to figure out if the thoughts are true. Listen. Not one sufferer has ever found the answer they seek through ruminating. Doesn't matter how much effort you put into it. Ruminating won't work. You'll just go round and round in your head for weeks, months or years. Trust me, we have sufferers on the forum who have been fixated on such thoughts for 10 years. Other than endlessly ruminating, the only other option is to let the thoughts go. Leave them alone. Stop seeking an answer you can't have. Refuse to get into mind debates over this.

You're not alone. There's a whole lot of sufferers out there, many think like you. ERP can be a bear to deal with if that's all you are doing recovery wise. CBT really has three elements. There is cognitive work, where you learn to think differently about the thoughts. There is identifying and slowing down/stopping your compulsions. And then there is ERP.

Just something for OCD to latch onto. Leave it alone.

Are you sitting there going over it in your head, trying to figure out if the thoughts are true, trying to work it out? Sufferers who sit with the anxiety often just sit there, doing nothing else but ruminating. You must do something else. Leave the thought alone and put your focusnon something else.

I'm not being mean, btw. I just want you to look at your behavior in a new light. Step back and ask, is this working for me?